Yes, I know it’s Tuesday. Bear with me… So I’m sitting at my desk at work. I find it’s the only place I can write because when I get home the last thing I want to see is a computer.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. Today I want to share with you a very discouraging discovery I made recently. At the end of this you’ll either roll your eyes at my neurosis or go check it out on yourself and take the necessary preventative measures.

So I know with age (older 32 if you take care of yourself) things tend to not look like they did when you were 20 and I’ve been pretty good at rolling with the punches, so to speak, with every new issue. Yes, my metabolism isn’t up to scratch. I’m okay with that (somewhat). I understand that my bladder has almost reached it’s sell by date and who knows, maybe one day I’ll stop hiding my premi greys. But this, folks, is unacceptable to me. This is one storm I will not weather until I absolutely have to. I am willing to spend good money on keeping this at bay. I speak, of course… about cleavage wrinkles.

Okay mine don’t look this bad yet but I see this in my very near future if I don’t take immediate action! I’m telling you guys, this was a worse discovery than when I started noticing subtle laugh lines around my eyes. Okay, fine, there may be a chance I didn’t listen to my mother about wearing sun screen all the live long day, but we can’t cry over spilled milk. What do I do now? How can I slow the progression of these unsightly crevasses inching their way up from my bosom?! It can’t end like this, it simply cannot.

Thankfully, as always, Google has some useful tips. There are contraptions you can buy to keep your twins separated while you sleep on your side but I can neither sleep on my side nor wear anything like this to bed.

That’s no way to live…

Luckily, Dr Oz says that retinol cream at night and sun screen during the day should slow the appearance of these little friends from old lady hell.

I apologise for my outburst but I quite like my boobies and I have no time… no time! for them to be taken from me so soon. I don’t even have a child to blame yet, let me enjoy them before that happens, please!

Aaaand scene…