Our House…

… is a very very very old house. ūüôā

Let’s start by saying that my husband despises our house with the fire of a thousand suns. I’m not as vitriolic when I think about our house. I’m happy to have a roof and it’s really small so very easy to clean but it’s definitely not ideal.

I think he hates it because it was a house he didn’t really want to begin with. It’s a real fixer-upper that he bought with his girlfriend at the time and they bought in a town that she chose because she wanted to be closer to her family. But then they broke up and he got stuck with this house that he never wanted and I don’t think she even lives in town anymore which is a little funny. Another thing is that the house is said to have been built in the 1800’s so eeeeverything is old and so terribly skew. It’s really fun fixing a house that defies the laws of physics.

Our plan is to overhaul the entire place so that we can sell it and find something with more room. It’s just been so long. We started working on it mmmaaybe 5 years ago and we’ve been in hiatus until now. We’ve done some good work though. I’ll walk you through what we have planned for each room and what’s already been done.

Kitchen: Thankfully the kitchen is done and it is perfect. N re-did it before we met and I absolutely love it! I think it makes living in the house bearable since it’s my favourite room of any house.

Dining Room: We finished this room last year or the year before I think. I remember painting doors outside while worrying about my 2nd embryo that had just been transferred. I think we did a really good job. Here are some before and afters.

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View from the kitchen: Lovely poo green walls (see wood paneling in the tv room. explained below)

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view from tv room into the kitchen: bedroom and bathroom on the right

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Jealous of the random pipes coming out of the wall and the lack of trim on the window?

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These are untouched before pics, just furniture removed. This is how we lived, with no trim.

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Demo. Love that wall paper.

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No curtains yet

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We added a door to the basement (the old door was in the tv room) and made pretty columns

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Yay for trimmed windows! (random pipes still taunting us)

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Can you guess my favourite addition to this room is?

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With furniture

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A final touch I added recently. Excuse the messy table. If you look closely you see our embryos in the frames. ūüôā

TV Room: ¬†We’ve put in new windows but we need new walls. We have lovely (*sarcasm) wood paneling on the walls that makes the room look incredibly small. We need to change the ceiling and add better lighting. Currently we have a broken light/fan combo that’s missing a blade because of a rambunctious game a boy¬†and his cat¬†were playing. And then we’ll need to trim it out as well. It doesn’t sound like a big job but we did the same thing in dining room and it took months and it was torturous because N is a perfectionist and I am not.

Bathroom: Oooh girl. This room is a disaster and oh so very tiny. Basically, if you stick your arms out and try to spin around you will touch everything. Yes your knees will knock into the toilet too. We don’t have tiles on the floor we have 80’s vinyl squares and a few of them are loose, so that’s fun. If you sit on the toilet your right side will be lovingly caressed¬†by the shower curtain. This is especially nice when the curtain is wet. The previous owner, in his infinite house designing wisdom, managed to fit the window a quarter of the way into the shower area. Thank goodness for frosted glass. He also used non water resistant screws to screw in the shower wall. It looks great. Then we have a radiator with chipped paint that takes up a huge chunk of the room as well. Gorgeous. We have 5 more chipped paint radiators throughout the house so at least there’s a flow.

Needless to say, if we could bulldoze this room we could. Everything needs to be updated but I’m the most excited about it because the possibilities are endless.

Bedroom: Thankfully this room needs the least work. The windows are new and even though the walls and ceilings are uneven and warped-ish we’re just going to slap on new paint. The current orange walls and green trim that the ex painted it doesn’t match my…. anything really… why orange & green? We need a new light fixture too and it needs to be trimmed as well. This is supposed to be a kid’s room but we’re sleeping in it right now. N’s computer is there too. And it has to be said, we’re sleeping in an adult bunk bed. I’m not even remotely kidding. Most days I can ignore it but I really this is my biggest gripe with the house. I can’t wait to get a real grown up bed. With a headboard even.

Upstairs: Okay, this used to be just a storage¬†and cat play area. It’s a big area that was awkwardly split into two rooms with shoddy carpeting that the cats mauled. We want this to be a master bedroom and we want to add a bathroom. So when we started this reno a few years ago we absolutely gutted it. We got a plumber and he put in the pipes for a shower, toilet and sink. We then started framing the bathroom and closet. And we put in new subfloor. There’s actually a funny story.

N and our friend B were putting in the subfloor one day. I was downstairs roaming about and I  heard a crash and right above my head a leg came crashing through the ceiling!! Then I heard B yell for N and two second later another crash and a second leg breaking through the ceiling! WTH!! N had slipped and fallen through and B went to save him and fell through as well. It was pretty funny. Anyway.

So we put the sub-floor down (worst job ever because skew house) and started on the insulation for the roof when N started having second thoughts. There wasn’t enough room up there for a master and a bathroom. He wanted a dormer put in. So we halted all renovations and put some thought into it. We thought for about 4 or 5 years. Yes, years. But we finally did it. We finally found someone to put in a dormer for us. It cost quite a bit but it will be so worth it. And and! He’s going to redo all the framing and the sub-floor. I’m so excited!!

They started on Tuesday and it’s coming along nicely so far. I’ll post some before and after pics of this when I download them off my phone ūüôā

Other: We need new stairs going upstairs. They are awful. We need a new front door and stairs leading up to the house. And we need a complete overhaul of the outside area. A deck or something for curb appeal.

The goal is really to be out of the downstairs bedroom at least (and sleeping in a grown up bed!!). Right now we have no space for a permanent resident. Lordy, when I think about it all it makes me a little queasy but I am very excited to be picking up the reno again. I know I hated it when we were in the thick of it. N and I do not work well together. But when it’s done, it’s awesome.

I’ll be posting progress as we go so I hope you all like home reno blogs lol.

I’m going to do a quick Lucky Bean update below for anyone who is interested. Sorry this post has been a bit long.

 

 

 

 

*Lucky Bean Update*

 

We stopped all meds on the 26th. It was extremely nerve wracking and at that point I was still spotting. Not any noteworthy spotting but still spotting. I had a thought that it was the prenatal. The brand I was using had raspberry leaf in it which was playing on my mind for a while since it’s supposed to tone the uterus and might cause contractions. I became very wary of it and eventually just decided to stop and I grabbed the first prenatal I could find at Walgreens. A yucky gummy which I’m not happy with but whatever. And 2 days after quitting the other prenatal the spotting stopped. I have no idea if it’s related of course but let’s go with “mama knows best” on this one :).

I also bought myself a doppler and we’ve since used it 3 times with success each time. The first time at about 10.5 weeks. I can’t explain the feelings I had when we heard it. I can’t really explain any of my feelings. I think awe would best describe it. I still feel like I’m watching a movie and this isn’t really happening to us.

We had our first prenatal appointment on Friday. I was so nervous I was shaking on the drive there and then my IVF inspiration song came on the radio (Don’t Stop Believing by Journey) and I had a big relieved cry by myself. I think that was Lucky telling me that everything’s gonna be okay. That was a good cry.

The doctor is fantastic. She was extremely sensitive to our struggle and she was also knowledgeable on translocations which was a relief since I had to explain it to her nurse before she came in and didn’t want to do it again (no disrespect to the nurse though). The appointment itself was very quick. Nothing like an IVF clinic. They did a quick doppler check (HR 169), a pap smear, list of tests and a good, funny conversation all within about 20 minutes. N apologized to her for making likely making her work on Christmas. She laughed and said not to worry but we’re sure she’ll be in sunny Mexico that week anyway lol.

I didn’t get an ultrasound but I asked if we could but unfortunately they couldn’t schedule it for that day. We are going back in 2 weeks and we’ll get one then. She did ask if we wanted to come back in 2 or 4 weeks. We opted for 2 weeks but I felt pretty confident after leaving that I think we can stretch to 4 weeks after the next appointment…. I thhhink.

We opted to have the NIPT and another genetic test (results in about 7 days) and I’m starting to get nervous about it. She didn’t think we needed it because of PGD but we went for it anyway. She also tested me for a clotting disease. This was something she was worried about since my mom has DVT and it could be hereditary. I think our clinic tested me for clotting issues but I’m not sure.

She also wants me to do the 1hr glucose test before the next appointment. I felt like this is a bit early but it could be because I’m an oldie. And some ladies on instagram have heard of or had 2 glucose tests.

So all in all I am very happy we went this this doctor and this hospital. Almost everyone I know gave birth at the hospital and their stories were very reassuring. N was born there too. We made the right decision, I’m sure. It is going to take some getting used to the relaxed nature of this part of the journey. I’m used to regimented check ups and long dr’s appointments. The fact that I wasn’t given an exact date and time for the glucose test (and other tests) is strange. Everything is “as long as it’s between x and y weeks you’re good” and I’m used to “be there at 7am sharp or no baby for you”.

Oh and lastly, Dr P called me last week. This was another teary drive for me. He called to check in and to wish us all the best and asked us to please send birth announcement etc etc. I really wanted to email the entire team after our prenatal appointment to say thank you so I’m sad he called first. I don’t want him thinking I’m not grateful. I just wanted to make sure all was well. But it is what it is. I’m sending the email now.

Gosh I just realized how long this update was. This whole post in fact, phew.

Thank you for hanging in this long. This last month at work has been brutal and will continue to be brutal until after school closes on the 26th. So until then, my friends, I am sending you all my love and I’m thinking of all of you where ever you are in your journeys.

Thought’s on Lucky Bean’s Gender

I’m sorry that I seem to just be doing P updates and I sincerely apologize if this bring any of you any pain. I am trying to live in the moment but it’s not been easy¬†as¬†I still feel like I’m in a very terrible TWW so I’m still in turmoil most days.

I even bought a doppler yesterday. It’s supposed to come a few days before our OB appointment, which is a torturous 3 weeks away, June 9th. I went with a new clinic since my regular OB doesn’t do prenatal care :(. The doctor I chose delivered my friend, B’s son and I like the look of her. I hope to not use the doppler, though. I’m just trying to trust the process.

But on to gender news. The nurse from the clinic sent us the gender in a letter on some sticky notes that I’ll have to remember to frame or at least put somewhere safe since the envelope is just on the dining room table waiting for a cat to destroy it.

Now I know we all have gender preferences, even if it’s slight. I know we all, as infertiles, want to be altruistic (not sure if that’s the correct word) and just so grateful for the opportunity but I know, for me personally, I always had a preference for a boy.

For no good reason, mind you.¬†I think mostly because I was a nightmare growing up and I didn’t want my chickens coming home to roost :). Silly right?

So when we found out the embryo transferred is male I was over the moon! So over the moon that I allowed myself to put some baby boy clothes in my H&M shopping cart. We’ll save the actual buy for much later on.

Then over the next couple days all the little girls in my life just became extra cute and funny. Not that they weren’t before, of course, it was just story after story that made me think about not having a girl.

First, we went out to dinner with our friends who have a 3yr old girl who is extremely verbose and hilarious. She’s in the honest phase too which is always funny. Her dad told us that he was walking around the house without a t-shirt on and she looked at him and said “Daddy you have yucky fur”. She also gives him a hard time about wearing shorts around the house because of his hairy legs. She asks him to put pants on.

Then my brother sent us a picture of a sign that my 8 year old niece put on her bedroom door that said “Do NOT come in. I am crying.” because my brother didn’t buy her any sweets when he went shopping. She’s so dramatic, I love her.

The next day on Facebook my bestie posted a picture of her 2yr old daughter watching herself crying in the mirror. I laughed so hard and I’m still chuckling at this. What a character.

And then over the weekend my sister-in-law sent us a picture of my aforementioned niece with a very sad look on her face with her arm fully bandaged and in a makeshift sling made by daddy. They were play wrestling and someone fell on her poor arm… Twice. She was distraught but otherwise not seriously hurt. My poor diva angel.

So¬†all of this made me pretty sad about not having a girl. I love how dramatic they are. My niece, in particular, is so funny with her antics. She’s full of stories.

She’s the only girl cousin. She has a brother and my other brother has a son. And my sister-in-law’s sister has two boys. In fact, in our circle of friends we only have about 4 girls out of about 15 kids. It would have been nice to help even out the playing field.

So while I’m excited and relieved I did experience sadness at not having a little daddy’s girl. I mentioned to N about being a little bummed and all he said was “Hey, you never know, Lucky Bean could be a big diva too.”

 

Signs

I’m not very religious. We’re going through some stuff¬†now. Jesus and I. I’ll cover that another time but for now just know that that’s where I stand.

I was raised in the church, though. Baptized, confirmed, Sunday school, etc. And my mom is still very much in the church. She’s the only reason I still have my toe in the Christianity pool. But I digress.

Every morning I drive by a Church that has one of those signs outside. Not saying when the next service is. It usually says¬†something inspirational or thoughtful. Sometimes they’re random and I can’t use any of it but sometimes somehow when I’m in the most turmoil I’ll get a sign that speaks to me specifically and really helps me.

During the course of these last 4 cycles (The first cycle I was at my old job on a different route) I’ve actually come to rely on this sign and it feels really good when it has something that I can use to get me through whatever it is I need to get through.

Honestly I can’t remember the ones that stuck out to me over the years but on the day of my beta I drove up to the clinic in a complete daze. Teary eyed and stressed out and I wasn’t even thinking of the sign and when I saw it, it was exactly what I needed to see. Nothing original, just simple and it helped me so much. I felt so much better and calmer after that. It was like it was saying, “Don’t worry fam, I got you”.

I saw it everyday up until last Thursday with our ultrasound. It’s like they changed it right when I didn’t need it anymore. The message that’s on it now doesn’t really pertain to me. I’m going to go ahead and say it’s up there for someone else who might need it.

I’ll leave the message here for anyone who might need it.

Happy Tuesday friends.

BE A WARRIOR, NOT A WORRIER

Update on Lucky Bean

This has been the longest week of my life but I’m glad it’s over. But yesterday was nothing like I imagined it.

On Monday we had an horrendous PIO ordeal. N had to inject me 3 times. The first time he hit a nerve and the second there was blood. The third was fine but resulted in the worst bruise. He pleaded for me to call the nurse to find out if there’s something we could do. I eventually called on Wednesday and she said we would draw blood to check my progesterone and if it’s high enough we can stop. Of course I would do a gazillion more shots if it meant this would end happily but I’m not going to lie, I definitely dread PIO time now. Both of us do.

Wednesday, I must have cried a million times. My symptoms had all but disappeared and I took a pregnancy test and although the test line popped up immediately it was lighter than the control. N only got home after 9 so I was stuck in my head for most of the evening. When he got home I asked him if he wasn’t afraid that there would be nothing there. He simply said No. There was no reason for him to ¬†be afraid. His only fear was that there would be twins lol. I’ve never met anyone going through infertility more opposed to the idea of twins.

Thursday both of us were up ridiculously early. Thankfully my symptoms came back in full force. I felt very calm. We were just sitting around for a while so we just decided to go in early. Good thing we did because traffic was atrocious and we got there with minutes to spare.

The ultrasound tech A came running out at 10 and said she has been waiting all morning for this. As we walked in with her she said she was so excited to see my name on the OB ultrasound list :). I love that they get so involved. As I was getting ready N was talking to her about recording the scan for family and she said sure but to let her first see what’s going on, just in case. She told me that she would be able to see right away so she wouldn’t leave me in suspense.

As soon as she put the probe in we saw the black circle. She said Awww loook. But I just saw the circle. She said N could go ahead and record and when she adjusted everything came into view perfectly.

I thought I would cry instantly (I’m welling up a bit now) but I think I was in disbelief. Lucky bean wasn’t moving or wiggling and I couldn’t see a heartbeat so I wasn’t breathing. Was A lying to us about everything being perfect?

She said that I was 7 weeks 5 days but this baby wants to be 8 weeks. She said it was the best looking baby she’d seen that day. I’m sure she says that to everyone but it made my day. The more she gushed the more relaxed I felt. She took loads of pics. Showed us the yolk sac which looked like a balloon that our little Pennywise was holding.

Then she showed us the heartbeat. So tiny. So perfect. We couldn’t hear it but there it was. I couldn’t stop smiling.

Everything else was good. No swollen ovaries. No SCH. Just the luckiest bean there ever has been.

Afterwards we met with L. One of our team nurses. I recognized the voice and she said we spoke on the phone before. She just went over all the pictures and answered our few questions. I’m an idiot. I forgot to write down all the questions I had and I just remembered another one. I’m going to have to call again. Anyway, after a longish discussion we were pretty much sent on our way with our pics and a handshake.

No chorus line. No fireworks. But it felt good. Certainly bittersweet like people describe but I think I kept my relationship with everyone very professional so even though I’d been there for almost 2 years I didn’t form any unbreakable bonds with anyone. I was sad that I didn’t see my RE or L my main nurse. I’m going to pop her an email later. She’s been with me since day one. We’ve only seen each other face to face twice but I’d really like to express my eternal gratitude even though she wasn’t my nurse with this successful round.

We also told pretty much everyone. Still missing N’s grandad, his brother on his mom’s side and he’s step dad and his aunts and uncles. But pretty much everyone on my side knows. And I told my boss this morning. He was very happy an excited. I still couldn’t say the words, I just said that our last round of IVF worked. We talked for a bit about symptoms etc etc and he just kept saying “That’s awesome… that’s awesome”.

So that’s where we are now. Oh after work yesterday I called my beloved OB to make and appointment and just as I suspected he doesn’t do prenatal care. They told me I could meet with anyone else at the office (Dr G and two midwives). You’ll remember Dr G from my awful OB post. I made an appointment with one of the midwives but they said that I would meet with all of them eventually because anyone could be there when I give birth… Uh, no thank you.

I have 2 other options for OB offices. One, my friend B recommended had midwives but I don’t like the OB’s. Dr Y was one of them, also from my awful OB post and I don’t want to be stuck with her at go time. My last option seems to be where I’m going to go but they don’t have midwives. I don’t know. I’m going to see what N thinks.

I still can’t believe I’m having this problem, though. Struggling to choose¬†prenatal care… Me… Shitty egg girl.

It’s difficult to describe my feelings now. I feel like there are too many to process all at once. Thankfully I have years of infertility training to help.

Just one day at a time.

No Happiness Allowed

N

We’re almost out of the woods and everything is going really well so far. My beta today more than doubled and I don’t have to go back until next Monday for a final beta. I assume them moving it to next week means they’re feeling confident so that makes me feel good and I even dared to change the settings on my period tracker app.

I really wish I was able to enjoy the tww. I understand that no one finds joy in the two week wait but this one was  quite particularly difficult.

From day 4 on I started feeling symptoms that I’d never felt before. Even with the ERA when I was on progesterone and estrogen for 10 days I felt nothing like this.

In my heart of hearts I knew this was different. I just knew this was it but with every wave of nausea, with every cramp that made me double over, I just kept asking¬†myself why? why would this round be any different? Yes we changed protocols but that embryo. It’s the same as the other two that were transferred. Don’t you dare be happy. Don’t you dare.

In fact we did the same protocol as round two and my round two embryo was a better graded embryo than this one. That one was hatching. Why would this embryo take?

Remember all the shit you ate this past month? Remember all the drinking? Remember that bad thought you had about that person? You don’t deserve this. This is not it.

These negative thoughts left me in tears at least once everyday.¬†I was a mess. I don’t remember the other two being this hard.

Even after the beta. We told everyone who knew about the transfer (basically all of my friends and family) and that night we went out for N’s cousin’s bday and he told his brother and cousin. His cousin then told everyone at the party (shocked face). I mean it is what it is. I’m not mad at all but the following morning both us were thinking “What have we done?”.

Again that nagging voice came. Don’t you dare be happy. Don’t you dare! Why would you tell people? Good things don’t happen to you.

Today I spent the day with my friend and waited all day until N got home so that we could listen to the latest beta voicemail. Today was the first time I breathed I think. A tiny little quiet breath.

The voice is still there “Seriously dude, no happiness for you”, but it’s quieter now. I have a feeling it won’t ever go away. I think I’m forever scarred but I can ignore it on good days.

I have to actively ignore it. Everyone has been telling me to live in the moment and that helps. When I’m done with this post I may even download an actual app (recommendations welcome).

You haven’t won yet voice in my head. You’re 0 for 2 so far, so G…T…F…O… please.

Thank you everyone for the kind messages on my last post. I haven’t read everything yet but I will do so right now. And I hope everyone had a good Easter weekend.

Myyyy Goodness

M

Well, it’s good news. I’m still in shock. I might still be in shock for a few more months.

I know it’s only the first beta and I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I understand that this might be hard for someone to read so I want to be sensitive to that¬†and truth be told, I’m very much in disbelief so writing this feels like it will be taken away.

I keep listening to the voicemail to make sure the nurse got the names right.

I also want to say thank you to everyone in this community. Thank you for the prayers and the positive thoughts and the crossed fingers. You are all appreciated so much. I love you all.

I’m trying to live in the moment. That’s the advice everyone is giving me so I’m taking it. I don’t know if my next beta will be good or not. I don’t want to think about it because

Today, it was good news.

If you’re reading this and you feel that pang in your heart. The pang we all know so well. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and I hope that you can find strength to get through this Easter holiday if you find it difficult.

‚̧ ‚̧

Phase III

Just a quick update We’re in the last leg now, my friends. 4¬†more sleeps!

I started progesterone yesterday morning. I had hoped that I would be required to start anytime in the morning. That way N could do it before I head to work. But alas, I had to start around 9am. That meant I had to ask the school nurses (thank goodness for that option) and allow 2 more people into this infertility circle.

I usually do my butt shots while standing. I don’t know why, I just felt better that way. But this morning she made me lie down and it was actually not bad. I think we’ll do them this way going forward.

So she did ask me if I was trying to get pregnant and I just said yes. I’ll give you two guesses on what she said about her fertility but I’m sure you’ll only need one :). If you guessed that her husband just looks at her and she’s pregnant, you would be correct. This one didn’t bug me, I was just super grateful that she did the shot for me.

N did the shot this morning while I was lying down. It wasn’t quite as quick and easy as the nurse’s. Some of the progesterone leaked out. Has anyone had this happen? N was very freaked out about it. I did a google search and it seems okay but I think we’ll go back to me standing shots. He seemed really shaken.

Nothing else to report on the FET front. I was supposed to post this yesterday but life got in the way which I’ll explain in my first April blog challenge post in a little bit.

4 more sleeps dudes… 4 more sleeps!