Update on Lucky Bean

This has been the longest week of my life but I’m glad it’s over. But yesterday was nothing like I imagined it.

On Monday we had an horrendous PIO ordeal. N had to inject me 3 times. The first time he hit a nerve and the second there was blood. The third was fine but resulted in the worst bruise. He pleaded for me to call the nurse to find out if there’s something we could do. I eventually called on Wednesday and she said we would draw blood to check my progesterone and if it’s high enough we can stop. Of course I would do a gazillion more shots if it meant this would end happily but I’m not going to lie, I definitely dread PIO time now. Both of us do.

Wednesday, I must have cried a million times. My symptoms had all but disappeared and I took a pregnancy test and although the test line popped up immediately it was lighter than the control. N only got home after 9 so I was stuck in my head for most of the evening. When he got home I asked him if he wasn’t afraid that there would be nothing there. He simply said No. There was no reason for him to  be afraid. His only fear was that there would be twins lol. I’ve never met anyone going through infertility more opposed to the idea of twins.

Thursday both of us were up ridiculously early. Thankfully my symptoms came back in full force. I felt very calm. We were just sitting around for a while so we just decided to go in early. Good thing we did because traffic was atrocious and we got there with minutes to spare.

The ultrasound tech A came running out at 10 and said she has been waiting all morning for this. As we walked in with her she said she was so excited to see my name on the OB ultrasound list :). I love that they get so involved. As I was getting ready N was talking to her about recording the scan for family and she said sure but to let her first see what’s going on, just in case. She told me that she would be able to see right away so she wouldn’t leave me in suspense.

As soon as she put the probe in we saw the black circle. She said Awww loook. But I just saw the circle. She said N could go ahead and record and when she adjusted everything came into view perfectly.

I thought I would cry instantly (I’m welling up a bit now) but I think I was in disbelief. Lucky bean wasn’t moving or wiggling and I couldn’t see a heartbeat so I wasn’t breathing. Was A lying to us about everything being perfect?

She said that I was 7 weeks 5 days but this baby wants to be 8 weeks. She said it was the best looking baby she’d seen that day. I’m sure she says that to everyone but it made my day. The more she gushed the more relaxed I felt. She took loads of pics. Showed us the yolk sac which looked like a balloon that our little Pennywise was holding.

Then she showed us the heartbeat. So tiny. So perfect. We couldn’t hear it but there it was. I couldn’t stop smiling.

Everything else was good. No swollen ovaries. No SCH. Just the luckiest bean there ever has been.

Afterwards we met with L. One of our team nurses. I recognized the voice and she said we spoke on the phone before. She just went over all the pictures and answered our few questions. I’m an idiot. I forgot to write down all the questions I had and I just remembered another one. I’m going to have to call again. Anyway, after a longish discussion we were pretty much sent on our way with our pics and a handshake.

No chorus line. No fireworks. But it felt good. Certainly bittersweet like people describe but I think I kept my relationship with everyone very professional so even though I’d been there for almost 2 years I didn’t form any unbreakable bonds with anyone. I was sad that I didn’t see my RE or L my main nurse. I’m going to pop her an email later. She’s been with me since day one. We’ve only seen each other face to face twice but I’d really like to express my eternal gratitude even though she wasn’t my nurse with this successful round.

We also told pretty much everyone. Still missing N’s grandad, his brother on his mom’s side and he’s step dad and his aunts and uncles. But pretty much everyone on my side knows. And I told my boss this morning. He was very happy an excited. I still couldn’t say the words, I just said that our last round of IVF worked. We talked for a bit about symptoms etc etc and he just kept saying “That’s awesome… that’s awesome”.

So that’s where we are now. Oh after work yesterday I called my beloved OB to make and appointment and just as I suspected he doesn’t do prenatal care. They told me I could meet with anyone else at the office (Dr G and two midwives). You’ll remember Dr G from my awful OB post. I made an appointment with one of the midwives but they said that I would meet with all of them eventually because anyone could be there when I give birth… Uh, no thank you.

I have 2 other options for OB offices. One, my friend B recommended had midwives but I don’t like the OB’s. Dr Y was one of them, also from my awful OB post and I don’t want to be stuck with her at go time. My last option seems to be where I’m going to go but they don’t have midwives. I don’t know. I’m going to see what N thinks.

I still can’t believe I’m having this problem, though. Struggling to choose prenatal care… Me… Shitty egg girl.

It’s difficult to describe my feelings now. I feel like there are too many to process all at once. Thankfully I have years of infertility training to help.

Just one day at a time.

No Happiness Allowed

N

We’re almost out of the woods and everything is going really well so far. My beta today more than doubled and I don’t have to go back until next Monday for a final beta. I assume them moving it to next week means they’re feeling confident so that makes me feel good and I even dared to change the settings on my period tracker app.

I really wish I was able to enjoy the tww. I understand that no one finds joy in the two week wait but this one was  quite particularly difficult.

From day 4 on I started feeling symptoms that I’d never felt before. Even with the ERA when I was on progesterone and estrogen for 10 days I felt nothing like this.

In my heart of hearts I knew this was different. I just knew this was it but with every wave of nausea, with every cramp that made me double over, I just kept asking myself why? why would this round be any different? Yes we changed protocols but that embryo. It’s the same as the other two that were transferred. Don’t you dare be happy. Don’t you dare.

In fact we did the same protocol as round two and my round two embryo was a better graded embryo than this one. That one was hatching. Why would this embryo take?

Remember all the shit you ate this past month? Remember all the drinking? Remember that bad thought you had about that person? You don’t deserve this. This is not it.

These negative thoughts left me in tears at least once everyday. I was a mess. I don’t remember the other two being this hard.

Even after the beta. We told everyone who knew about the transfer (basically all of my friends and family) and that night we went out for N’s cousin’s bday and he told his brother and cousin. His cousin then told everyone at the party (shocked face). I mean it is what it is. I’m not mad at all but the following morning both us were thinking “What have we done?”.

Again that nagging voice came. Don’t you dare be happy. Don’t you dare! Why would you tell people? Good things don’t happen to you.

Today I spent the day with my friend and waited all day until N got home so that we could listen to the latest beta voicemail. Today was the first time I breathed I think. A tiny little quiet breath.

The voice is still there “Seriously dude, no happiness for you”, but it’s quieter now. I have a feeling it won’t ever go away. I think I’m forever scarred but I can ignore it on good days.

I have to actively ignore it. Everyone has been telling me to live in the moment and that helps. When I’m done with this post I may even download an actual app (recommendations welcome).

You haven’t won yet voice in my head. You’re 0 for 2 so far, so G…T…F…O… please.

Thank you everyone for the kind messages on my last post. I haven’t read everything yet but I will do so right now. And I hope everyone had a good Easter weekend.

Myyyy Goodness

M

Well, it’s good news. I’m still in shock. I might still be in shock for a few more months.

I know it’s only the first beta and I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I understand that this might be hard for someone to read so I want to be sensitive to that and truth be told, I’m very much in disbelief so writing this feels like it will be taken away.

I keep listening to the voicemail to make sure the nurse got the names right.

I also want to say thank you to everyone in this community. Thank you for the prayers and the positive thoughts and the crossed fingers. You are all appreciated so much. I love you all.

I’m trying to live in the moment. That’s the advice everyone is giving me so I’m taking it. I don’t know if my next beta will be good or not. I don’t want to think about it because

Today, it was good news.

If you’re reading this and you feel that pang in your heart. The pang we all know so well. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and I hope that you can find strength to get through this Easter holiday if you find it difficult.

❤ ❤

The End of an E.R.A.

Been dying to use that blog title for the longest time 🙂

And thus ends my ERA cycle. I am battered and bruised and so happy that it’s over. 7 weeks total. Here’s the breakdown if you’re interested.

December 25th: Period Starts. Pregnancy test negative duh.

December 27th: Start birth control pills for 3 weeks.

January 4th: Follow-up appointment with RE.

January 10th: Start daily Lupron sub-Q injections.

January 16th: Stop birth control. This is the longest month in human history.

January 19th: Baseline appointment. All systems go!

January 21st: First day of my period. 100 more days of January left.

January 23rd: Start daily 1mg estrogen pills and 1mg aspirin. Increase to 2mg estrogen at some point, then 4, then 6.

February 3rd: Stop Lupron injections.

February 5th: Start nightly Progesterone in Oil intra-muscular injections 1cc.

February 10th: Cycle ends with Endometrial Biopsy. Stop daily estrogen and aspirin.

February 14th: Stop Progesterone injections. Joy!

The biopsy was a nightmare as always and to make matters worse the nurse practitioner said that she had to do 2 biopsies. That was news to me and I actually cried when she left the room for a few seconds. One biopsy was for the ERA lab and the other was to test if my lining had any infections. Same as the first biopsy I had done. They have me scheduled for another HSG in March and I’m going to make them give me harder drugs. My friend B has so kindly offered to take me to the appointment so I hope they can do it on a day that fits her schedule. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to go through that much pain. I’m a woos and I’m proud!

And now we just wait for a period and we can start prepping to bring little Lucky home! I believe it’s suggested that you do another ERA if the result doesn’t come back as receptive but my RE doesn’t seem to think it’s necessary but gave me the choice. I am really averse to doing another one but let’s see if my RE changes his mind depending on what the results are.

So for now we are awaiting our next FET cycle. Big yay!! My app says 5 days til my period starts. Come on body, let’s get this party started!

BTW my ass hurts so much from the PIO shots. I can’t imagine doing them for 12 weeks or more. Besides ice and massaging do you guys have any tips on PIO shots? And itchy!! the injection sites are itchy as hell. I don’t think I’m allergic to the oil though. No serious skin reaction. Just itchy. Fun times.

 

 

 

 

Taking a Moment

Just thinking about my 3 little ones who didn’t pass PGD testing this week. I didn’t get full details but 2 were unbalanced (not sure which chromosomes) and 1 poor little baby was missing chromosome 22 and had and extra chromosome 19.

That’s a total of 7 embryos who likely wouldn’t have made it passed the first trimester had we transferred them without testing. I’m very grateful to have PGD testing to help avoid 7 potential early miscarriages but I am sad for them.

I’m sad but I’m so happy they were there. They each gave us renewed hope every single day they pushed through to make it to blastocysts.

They fought so hard and I’m so proud of them for trying.

It’s not lost on me that they were just balls of cells at that stage but they were ours. They were mine and I loved them.

I love them still.

I Can’t Brie-lieve It!

FOUR!!!

Earlier when I heard, it was more like

FOUR…

But the news has sunk in for the most part. I am so relieved that this part is over. Of course I wanted more. We always want more. But 4 is better than we’ve ever done. This is cycle is still the best cycle!

I am so fucking scared of the next part but I am going to try my utmost to relax and forget about it as best as I can. Thanksgiving could not have come at a better time.

So there you have it, my friends. 4 little fighters. 4 potential babies. 4 hopes and dreams.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat and entire wheel of brie.

 

Faith Purchases

Hello!
We’re on day 6 and I am Fuh-reaking out. Silently. On the inside.

I think I didn’t want to write before because I didn’t want to jinx anything but I can’t really concentrate on anything today so I thought I would catch you all up.

So my next call was supposed to be on Saturday (day 3) but Friday around 6pm Dr P called himself to find out how I was recovering and to give me a day 2 update.

We still had 12 on day 2. I was extremely relieved. The doctor didn’t sound excited. He said that they ranged from 2 to 6 cell and they were all B’s and C’s, which is great! I was relieved because I figured if we lose half like we usually do on day 3 then at least we’ll still have more than we’ve ever had on day 3. So Friday was yet another good day.

Both of us had to work on Saturday and I was surprisingly okay. I came to terms with my 6 embryos. I started going over plan B’s and just mentally preparing myself for big drop offs. She called around noon and I had to run out of my dungeon office to where there was cellphone reception.

Twelve little guys were still happily growing!! Wow. Both the nurse and I were absolutely giddy. I asked her for the cell counts and grades but I’d forgotten a pen and paper so I wasn’t even really listening to what she was saying but there were some A’s B’s and C’s thrown in.

The rest of the day was a blur of good news sharing and a little work peppered in. I wanted to go out and celebrate but both of us were so tired from work we just climbed into PJ’s and watched 90 day fiance all night until 1am. So Saturday was certainly a good day.

Sunday was a long day. I had wonderful plans to meal prep but then I realized that it’s a 2.5day week and that would be dumb. I thought I would just makes lunches at least but Saturday night I’d forgotten to take the Cabergoline so I took it in the morning and as soon as I wanted to start cooking I was hit with the motion sickness. We rotted away again in front of the tv for the rest of Sunday.

Yesterday was another long day. A long and terrible day. I know that they said they would call on Tuesday to let us know how many were biopsied and frozen but last time on day 5 at around 9am, Dr G called several times and eventually left the message that no one going through this wants to get. So yesterday I was quite a mess. I don’t want anyone to call but I want to know how our embryos are doing. I am going to say that since I didn’t get a call all day that at least they’re not all gone. I think that’s a safe assumption.

I don’t know why I’m big on jinxes (rolls eyes at self) but it is what it is I guess. So I was thinking this weekend that our PGD lab charges $250 per embryo over 8. We’ve never been there before so I’ve always just budgeted for the minimum. And now in a perfect world we may have 4 embryos I didn’t budget for. I would have to transfer extra money to our IVF account for the PGD lab. I can’t remember if they debit the account as soon as my clinic tells them how many samples they’re getting or or if they debit the account when they have the samples in hand. So yesterday I made a big ‘faith purchase’ and transferred the extra money into the account. And I’m really hoping and praying they use at least some of it. But if they don’t I will spend that money on something to make myself feel better :)… Or save it for the next round of PGD testing. It took a lot for me to do that. My online banking session kept timing out while I went back and forth trying to decide. I made the purchase but I’m still undecided, if that makes sense. But it’s done and it’s not the end of the world.

So here we are. 9 am on day 6. My stomach is in knots. I want them to call already. N keeps saying that he has a good feeling about this. I do sometimes but I’m very scared still. Especially today. I made the mistake yesterday of googling stories about embryo drop off rates after day 3. Huge mistake. But I’ve put a self ban on Google now so that’s good.

Okay, I have to get some work done. My next post will have results.

I hope everyone is having a good week so far!