My Last Birth Story

Well he’s here and he’s perfect :). He was born October 5 on my late grandfather’s birthday. My mom’s dad. A few weeks ago my mother mentioned that she thinks he’ll be born on the 5th. We all laughed but she totally called it. We also ended up naming him what I wanted to name him and I couldn’t be happier. His name is very similar to his brother’s though so we muddle them up sometimes.

He’s already a month old! and I wanted to write his birth story down before I forget all the details. So here we go.

My final ultrasound went as planned. Confirmed that placenta didn’t go anywhere so the doctor said we’ll want to get him out sooner rather than later so we settled on Monday October 5th at 7:30am. I had a few more appointments to take care of first. Consent form signing with the operating surgeon on the Thursday and Pre-op testing and covid testing on Friday. Pre-op testing was just urine and blood and more form signing and they gave me an anti septic body wash for Sunday night and Monday morning. The covid test wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was 5 seconds of awkward pain that made my eyes water. It felt like I snorted water and the burn lasted for about 15minutes but that was all. And I got the negative result later that evening.

Saturday was supposed to be a busy, cleaning the house and making freezer meals kinda day but I couldn’t be bothered with anything except cuddling my little boy all day. The guilt was starting to creep in. He would leave the next evening with his grandmother and I would only see him the following Thursday and his whole world would be upside down. By Sunday I was a weepy mess but I really did have to clean the house so that kept me busy. We took him for a later afternoon walk down to the water and watched him throw rocks in the river for at least an hour. When we got home we spoiled him with some dessert and bags of chips and then Grandma came to get him. He was beside himself. I think he really had the best day. I cried when he left but I had lots to do around the house still so it wasn’t the worst.

Before bed we watched a few episodes of Schitts Creek and tried to soak up our last night as parents of one little boy. It was a quiet night. I woke up at 3 (after a terrible night’s sleep) to get in my last shower and get all the bags ready. N woke up at 4ish. We left the house just before 5 to get a very quiet hospital at 5:30.

The maternity ward was really quiet as well. We learned that we were the first and possibly only c-section that day. We met our first 2 nurses. C would be with us in surgery and the other one was helping. Again we ran through all the millions of questions and then after I suited up, C put in the first IV in my left hand. OUCH. While everyone was hustling and bustling around us and we were chatting we mentioned to the nurses how horrible and traumatic our first c-section was and how scared/nervous we were this time around. They were very kind and answered all our questions and kept assuring us that this time would be better.

We then got to rest and take everything in while waiting for the anesthesiologist and the surgeon to come and talk to us. Eventually the anesthesiologist came in. I’m hitting a blank on his name now which is frustrating because he was the best human being and my hero throughout this whole process. In fact our anesthesiologist with Lucky’s birth was an absolute hero as well. They’re really great. Probably why they get paid the big bucks. Anyway, he was mildly funny at first, cracking cheesy jokes and everything. He told me that he had to put in a second IV. Because of the previa I needed the second one in case I needed blood. The first one really hurt so he mentioned that I could have a lidocaine shot. Nurse C said that she never uses lidocaine and then he said okay we’ll skip it. So I interjected and asked if I get a say because I would very much like to have some lidocaine. They all chuckled and agreed to get me some. I guess the nurses don’t have it on hand so they usually don’t offer it.

So he left to get the good stuff and when he came back his tone had completely changed. He sat on the bed next to me and took my hand and looked me in the eyes and in a low tone said that he’d heard we had a traumatic go around with our son and he was incredibly sorry that that happened to us and he assured me that he personally will take good care of me and will make sure that this birth will be everything I wanted. He said that he will let me know what’s going on every step of the way and if I feel lost at anytime to just let him know.

I felt the tears pricking my eyes and managed to squeak out a tiny thank you before he gave my hand a tiny squeeze and went back to being cheesy, jovial doctor. The lidocaine? Amazing. If you ever need an IV, please ask for lidocaine. It stings going in but it’s just the best. And a good thing I got it too because the first IV spot he tried was a fail. The second was perfect.

We got a few more minutes of rest time before the surgeon came in to say hi and talk about the procedure. We spoke about a gentle c-section before hand and she said that they didn’t have the clear sheet but they would drop the cloth once he was ready to come out so I could see and they would do skin to skin once he was out and all the other fun stuff.

And then at 7:40ish it was time to get the party started. I kissed N and left him behind to put his uniform on and I walked with my two nurses to the OR. That’s when I started to hear my breathing and my heart racing in my ears. I remember asking them to stop because I had another bad cramp. My last cramp. When I walked in, I started freaking out about the spinal but there was a lot going on in the brightly lit room and I started definitely feel dizzy. I was greeted by the anesthesiologist (let’s call him Dr Smiles) and another anesthesiologist who’s first day it was. Two more nurses introduced themselves and one said her name a few times and said that it was okay for me to name the baby after her (I forgot to mention that everyone kept asking us the baby’s name and we had to repeatedly say that he was nameless for now. It’s funny how many people you meet and how many times you have to answer the same questions. Yes we’re nervous… It’s a boy… No, no name yet).

I climbed up onto the OR table. It felt like I was moving in slow motion and everyone else around me was on fast forward. Nurse C stood in front of me and grabbed my arms and started explaining that the spinal was going to happen and he was going to inject me twice. It would feel like a bee sting and then tingling. My breathing started becoming shallow. She was so close to me forcing eye contact. Then she said okay here it comes. It hurt. Not as much as I thought it would but I let out a weird scream and she starting laughing at me. Then I told them that my sister in law said that it’s almost impossible to paralyze a patient from a spinal so that made me feel better. She belly laughed at me again and said I’m so funny while her vice grip on my upper arms got tighter. I don’t know if she was just trying to put me at ease. I hadn’t said anything funny. Is it easy to paralyze a patient? Lordy.

The second bee sting wasn’t as bad but it just lasted long. And then another minute or so while I assume he was doing the actual spinal and then I started feeling pins and needles down my legs. It was strange and not at all fun.

They then laid me down on my back and things started really ramping up. A third anesthesiologist came in (I forgot his name as well). My line of sight was limited and people kept popping their masked faces in front of me to say something then they would disappear. It was really comical. Or it would have been if I wasn’t having such an awful time with the pins and needles. I wanted to get up and walk it off. There was too much going on in the room and too many people talking to me and each other.

Everytime someone did something someone would pop their face in front of me to tell me what was happening and then disappear again. At one point I heard someone say okay we’re sterile then nurse C popped in an said okay they rubbed the sterile solution on my stomach so don’t move. Then I reached over and had to scratch my shoulder then new anesthesiologist popped in and said okay please don’t move you’re sterile.

Then the stars of the show, the 2 surgeons came in Dr C who was my OB and Dr H would I had heard wonderful things about. Both young female surgeons one of whom was a WOC. I loved it. Dr H put some music on and asked me what I would like to listen to. I requested Journey because my friend and I were talking about them the previous week. When Don’t Stop Believing started I felt a teensy bit more relaxed but only a little.

Then the feeling in the room became a bit more clinical and serious and hushed. The surgeons were giving instructions and medical jargon was being thrown around. Dr Smiles popped in and told me that we’re about to begin because they just poked me with a sharp instrument and I didn’t feel anything and the sharp instrument that poked me popped into my line of sight and clicked a few times then both disappeared.

They finally ushered N in and I breathed a sigh of relief. I really felt so much better when he walked in and held my hand because I really was not enjoying being there. It was a lot for my senses and I couldn’t center myself.

Finally they started cutting. It felt like they were cutting just under my boobs which was a really strange sensation. I just tried to focus on the music and tried to get N to talk to me about anything random. The pins and needles in my legs was becoming unbearable. It seemed like they were cutting forever. And then Dr C said “Okay we’re ready. Dad do you have your phone ready?”. She said he should stand up and start recording. So he stood up and started. They didn’t put the curtain down and real talk, I was relieved. I was really over the whole process at this time. I wanted my son out and I wanted to get out of here. I was sick of waiting.

Dr H started pushing on my belly really hard. Dr Smiles said you’ll be feeling a lot of pressure mom. Like no shit dude. Damn. Then there was a big pop and a collective Awww around the room and out he came. N was able to take a picture and then he sat down again. There was maybe 10 seconds and someone brought him over to me for some skin to skin.

Oh my goodness. I remember the heat of his skin on mine. I remember how incredibly soft he felt. He still had a good amount of vernix on him and I remember feeling it while I was rubbing his little calf. It’s an awkward hold. A squishy baby who weighs nothing. I couldn’t get a good hold on him but I just remember that he felt great and he was just beautiful and perfect. I just kept saying hi little guy. hi my little angel. He was perfect.

But then the annoyance crept up again. I wanted to get off this table and take my kid and leave. I asked N or someone to take him. They took him to clean him up a bit more and then she brought him back all swaddled and cute. I held him for a bit longer and tried to enjoy the moment but I couldn’t get a good hold and my legs were irritating me. I know there were pictures of us being taken at some point too. Then I heard a male voice (I think it was Dr Smiles) ask someone for a hemorrhage kit and the nurse quickly came to take the baby and tell me that I was bleeding. I quickly looked over at N and both our eyes widened. But thankfully it didn’t seem like too big of a deal. It was just a tense few seconds.

Eventually N and the baby had to leave and I had to stick around while the sewed me up. This was the worst part. With Lucky this whole thing seemed like it was over quickly. This time it was taking forever and ever and I couldn’t move. Dr Smiles was talking to his colleagues too loudly. Dr H and C were having an equally loud conversation about their kids. The nurses were chatting amongst themselves. I seemed to have disappeared into the distance. I just had Dr Smiles pop his face in and ask how I was doing every few minutes. It felt like an hour I was there before the drape finally came down.

The nurses started cleaning me up and that’s when I started feeling terribly dizzy. Dr Smiles gave me some medicine right before everything ended and I think I had a bad reaction to it. I started feeling really loopy. I remember being moved to the other bed and being wheeled down the hall and wanting to throw up because it was too much.

Back in recovery, I couldn’t really hold the baby. I tried drinking water and throwing up everything.

This part of the birth was a blur because I was so sick. I remember trying skin to skin again and Dandelion actually crawled his way to my nipple and latched but I couldn’t enjoy it because I was so out of it. N held him for most of the day. I was in and out of consciousness all day I don’t remember leaving recovery but I remember being in our room. I tried to stay awake but I just kept throwing up. I was just nervous that Dandelion hadn’t fed and I felt terrible for not trying but eventually a nurse came in and told me to rest and that he didn’t realy need to eat at all the first day. After I heard that I closed my eyes and only woke up around 9pm and started feeling a little more human. I tried some food and a little baby cuddle and then back to sleep.

By breakfast time the following morning I’d started feeling much better. I was in a moderate amount of pain but I stayed up on the pain meds so it was manageable. I just remember wanting all of the tubes out of me. That night the catheter came out and I was able to shuffle around. The following morning the IV port things came out of my hands and I was free! That really was the best feeling.

The rest of the stay was uneventful. Dandy had a tongue-tie which they clipped and he had his circ the morning of the day we left. The nurses and lactation consultants were amazing as always. Breastfeeding was rough. I couldn’t remember anything about it and I feel like I was calling the LC every few hours to help. He was a lazy feeder (still is) and it was just frustrating. But we got it by the time we left, I think.

So all-in-all it was a completely different experience to Lucky’s. I felt way more taken care of but the actual surgery was better last time. Isn’t that interesting? If I were to give anyone advice I wouldn’t recommend either. I feel like I bonded with Dandy quicker this time around but I much prefer not being so compos mentis while someone is cutting you open.

But at the end of the day, here I am. Mom of two. Me. I never in a million years thought it was possible. I never lost hope. Okay, I did a few times, but here I am. And I couldn’t have done it without this blog and without the support of everyone I’ve met on this journey.

I don’t know if this is the end for the blog. It’s an infertility blog and for all intents and purposes, I don’t think we’ll be pursuing anymore treatments. So our IVF journey has for sure come to an end. I’m so thankful that it’s a very happy end. The happiest end.

I’ve made so many friends on this journey so I’ll keep reading blogs and my instagram (@doit4babym) is relatively active and I’m still very much interested in all your lives so I’m not going anywhere. I just won’t be posting as much, if at all.

But oh my gosh, Thank you! Thank you for reading this far, for one. Thank you for being there in the lowest of lows and thank you for crying with us. Thank you for celebrating with us. Thank you for sharing your stories. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for your love.

Thank you!

Maternity Leave

So my placenta didn’t move enough. Apparently it’s still a bit too close to the edge of my cervix and vaginal delivery is not recommended. They did offer me one last hail mary ultrasound on Wednesday to see if it’s moved but the likelihood is that we’ll do a repeat c-section some time next week (37 weeks).

This all happened at my appointment last Thursday. I’d been silently hoping to be booked off work early because the drive in was becoming unbearable as far as back spasms was concerned. I’ve also not been sleeping well. I was wracked with guilt about being in pain and being weak. I don’t understand why working until your due is a thing. I’d planned on taking leave a week before my due date. But I was hoping the doctor would agree to me stopping 2 weeks early. So, I was really happy when she told me we’d likely be having the baby 3 weeks early and she’s more than happy to have me stop work right away to quarantine before the surgery.

The next day (last Friday) I broke the news to my boss and HR and got all my ducks in a row wrt to short term disability paperwork and wrapping up my work. I had so much other cleaning up stuff to do in our system to help make my boss’s job a bit easier but I didn’t have the time and of course I’m feeling guilty about that too but I keep reminding myself that if my water had broken early I wouldn’t have been able to do any of the wrapping up I did. I got to say goodbye to everyone and tie up loose ends. I think by the time I left, I felt okay. But yes, I did check my work email this morning.

So today is my first day of maternity leave. It’s just me and Lucky over here watching cartoons. I’m making lists of things I need to get done and doing some grocery shopping online.

And guess what?!! We still don’t have a name for Dandelion!!! Well, I have a name. It was the name I chose before our transfer but N isn’t really on board and I’d like for him to not hate his child’s name. We’ve decided to wait until we see what he looks like. My brother took 2 weeks to decide on my nephew’s name after he was born. So, while I’m anxious, I’m not too too worried. I mean he’ll have a name eventually.

So how am I feeling about doing another c-section? I think I’m okay. Everyone who I spoke to who had a 2nd c-section says it’s the best thing they ever did. Sure I’m a little bummed about not getting a shot at vaginal birth again but I’m not as distraught as I was last time. I think the idea of no more back pain is just the icing on the cake. And I’m starting to get really excited to meet this little boy who keeps dancing on my ribs.

I don’t remember my pregnancy with Lucky being this hard in the 3rd tri. I’m sure it was. I remember being in pain while driving to work but not my back, more my left side. I remember cramping because of an irritable uterus. I’m having so many cramps with this one too. round ligament pain. stretching pain. braxton hicks. pressure down below. Just a lot of pain all day.

I feel like this week is going to really drag even though we have loads to do still. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that we’ll probably be a family of 4 next week. I’m trying to enjoy to painful kicks and rolls because this is the last time I’ll feel them. I’m really finding myself in a different headspace knowing that this pregnancy is almost over and it won’t happen again so even though I’m in pain I’m reveling in it a bit.

This is so strange. He’ll be here soon.

25 Weeks

It’s dawning on me that this is going to be over soon and I’ve not nearly documented as much as I’d like. I keep trying to draw parallels to this time with Lucky but I don’t remember and I don’t have anything written to go back to. Anyway, it’s my cross to bear. I’ll try to remedy it even though this past week has been a bit rough.

We hit viability on N’s birthday weekend so I took the opportunity to wish N and do an FB announcement. I bought Lucky a t-shirt that had a picture of Biggy on it and underneath it said “Notorious B.I.G. Brother”. As with all announcements, they’re fraught with anxiety but are always well received. So it obviously went off without a hitch and afterwards you wonder what the heck you were so afraid of.

The following week, I had an ultrasound appointment to check Dandelion’s heart and to see if the placenta had moved. It hasn’t but his heart is A-okay. I’ll pause here to ask WHY DON’T DOCTORS READ THE CHART BEFORE THEY WALK INTO THE ROOM??!! This doctor mentioned that Dandelion’s heart looked great and then checked her notes and said that’s he’s in the 99th percentile for size. I nodded but frowned because I’ve never had a 99th percentile measurement. I think she registered my frown and looked at her paper again and said, “Oh, I’m sorry that’s not your baby”. Then why do you have another baby’s notes with you ma’am? Geepers. Anyway, Dandelion is in the 40th percentile, I think. I know this measurement doesn’t really mean anything but this happens all the time. My step father in law was telling us how his oncologists made these mistakes with him as well, which is baffling to me especially when you’re talking about changing dosages on cancer medication. Ugh. But I digress.

So I have to go back to next month for another ultrasound to see if the placenta has moved. It will be a transvaginal ultrasound so that’s going to be fun. In the meantime, I’ll be thinking moving thoughts.

Then last week we were hit with really awful heat all week. I felt fine mostly but on Thursday afternoon as I was leaving work I started feeling braxton hicks. No biggie, I’ll just lie down. My favourite thing to do. Friday I had my day off and had planned on washing my car and doing laundry but the BH was really bad. My belly all along my c-section scar was just tight and painful I could barely stand up straight. I thought maybe some round ligament pain as well. I just drank water and rested. Saturday, same thing. I actually found a bit of strength to sort out Lucky and Dandelion’s clothing. A friend sent over some hand-me-downs and I had to go through them but I became very overwhelmed. Thankfully, my friend B came to help me. She ordered me to sit down and point at things while she folded and sorted. She absolutely saved my life and I love every inch of her.

And Sunday I was drinking so much water and it seemed to subside. I pretty much never left the couch. Yesterday when I woke up things seemed fine but around 9am they were not and I called the OB to see if I should do anything. At first they wanted me to go straight to the hospital but eventually decided I should just go into their office and they would do some tests. They could only fit me in at 2:45 though. No biggie. I just tried not to move. I wasn’t too worried. Dandelion was dancing and kicking like crazy. But while driving there I let my mind wander too much and by the time I got to the OB I was in a bit of a tizzy.

They did a 20 minute non-stress test and found no contractions which was good but all the while my belly kept tightening up. The midwife said it’s probably just a combination of dehydration and the c-section scar stretching and the placenta moving. I felt sheepish for going in and wasting their time but they assured me that I did the right thing and that because of my placenta they want me to call if anything like this happens again especially if I start bleeding. They do not want me to go into labour with the placenta where it is.

And thus ends my first (and hopefully last) teeny tiny little scare. I am doing okay now I guess. Still in a good amount of pain even though I’ve increased my water 3 fold (I’m rushing through this now so that I can go pee again x 100). I’m trying not to exert myself but Lucky is still very clingy and I have to carry and hold him for a good chunk of the day. I’m glad that I’m not contracting though. That shit is stressful!!

Two things are starting to weigh on me now. One is Dandelion’s name. My nephew wasn’t named until a few days after he was born so it’s not tooo much of an issue but we had Lucky’s name before he was even real. It’s my own fault really. I’m insisting on another L name. My middle brother’s kids are all T’s and my eldest brother’s kids are all A’s. My husband’s father and his siblings are all M’s, His brothers on his dad’s side are both J’s and his cousins on dad’s side are M’s as well. Something in the universe is compelling me to continue this tradition and I can’t let it go but we can’t agree on an L name. I have it narrowed down to 2 that I love. One of which I really love because it’s directly related to one of his cousins and it’s also a comic book character like Lucky’s name. The second is a name I found randomly and absolutely fell in love with. But it has no significant meaning to us which is a bummer. I just need N to come to the party. Both names are really out there and uncommon but I love them. N just needs to be convinced. The second names are way more traditional but I love them as well. Both kids will have 3 names total. Lucky is named after our fathers. Dandelion’s second name is N’s brother who passed’s name. His mother was extremely happy we decided to do that and his third name is a family name on my mom’s side. I told her she could choose a third name since all the grandparents have a hand in the names so she chose her father’s name. I know people don’t generally like when kids have a million names but I only have one name and both my brothers have second names so yes, I’m pushing my juvenile issues on to my children. Hopefully, they appreciate the meaning behind it though. Anyway, if you can think of any really strange L names, I’m all ears.

My second more dire concern is that it’s becoming a reality that my parents won’t be here for Dandelion’s birth. And they likely won’t be able to come until who knows when. If at all! That means I’ll pretty much be taking care of these two love bugs on my own after N goes back to work. Sure, his mom will be able to help but I really doubt she will move in with us. Having my parents stay with us when Lucky was born was an absolute godsend. I have no idea how I’m going to do it. I have to start looking into a nanny. I’m also having worrying thoughts about Lucky and daycare. Actually I think this deserves it’s own post. I have to write down and articulate my thoughts. But I think ultimately we’ll be looking into getting a part-time in home nanny to help with Lucky while I’m on maternity leave and then to help with Dandelion when I go back to work. Drama!

Okay, I’ll leave it there for now as I have to pee again and I have to make a dessert because I’m missing some much needed sugar in my diet.


I Finished a Meal

I think we’ve turned a corner with the morning sickness. It’s like night and day. I still have a mid-day slump and if I sit or lay around for too long I start to get a headache and feel ill. This one seems to like being on the move. So I’ve been drinking a tiny glass of iced coffee every day around 2:30 for an energy bump and to stave off the headache and once I start cooking dinner at 5ish I feel better again.

And last night I made fajitas and actually got through the entire meal! I usually tap out after a few bites. So I’m happy that things are on the up and up.

I’ve been thinking a lot about… Well everything really. But mostly about how I’m to approach this new journey. I remember when we were deep in the throws of the 2nd round of IVF after the chemical. The situation was so dire. Only 2 sent for testing. My AMH rapidly declining with every failed cycle. I was begging and bargaining with the universe to please let this work. I promise I would honor and treasure this pregnancy. I would scream it from the hills. I would take weekly annoying bump pics with size of the baby in cutesy captions. I would do anything in my power to believe that the baby was real and to not be afraid of stupid jinxes.

And here we are, almost 16 weeks in and I’m petrified all over again. Only yesterday did I manage to take a bump picture. I still feel the bile rise up in my throat after we’ve shared the news with someone new. I managed to put in my maternity leave on Monday and was choking back nervous tears through the entire conversation with the HR director.

I’ve been analyzing Lucky’s birth a lot too and I think a lot of the reason that it affected me the way it did was because we weren’t at all prepared. At all. And the reason we weren’t prepared is because I never believed that it was real. That he was real. I didn’t believe and I was afraid of jinxes. You’ll remember that we never packed a hospital bag. Why would I if this was all just a dream? And what if I did and something happened to him?

We went to the doula birthing classes, I downloaded the meditation app, I bought those affirmation cards. Not once did I meditate and as soon as the cards came I packed them away. I was going through the pregnancy motions but never fully committed to the idea and it kills me when I think about it.

But we’ve been given another chance. We’ve even been given (albeit with some caveats) a chance to try to have the birth we’d hoped for. I owe it to Dandelion. I owe it to Lucky.

I owe it to myself to jump into this feet first with arms wide open and just embrace everything. It’s scary to just think of letting go. But I think I can face things and still be afraid seeing as how bravery isn’t the absence of fear and all.

I think I’ll start with more frequent blog posts and weekly bump pics for myself. I realize that that opens my blog up to possibly losing the few followers I have left or exposing readers still in the wait to triggers. Something I was afraid of with Lucky. I don’t want you to think that I’m not cognisant of all of this. I just know that I don’t remember milestones of my pregnancy with Lucky because I didn’t document anything and that makes me sad too. I just want to be prepared and I don’t want to have any regrets, but please know that I do get it. I always try to be sensitive in my posts. But I feel that it’s probably even more unlikely to be possible seeing as how this is my second pregnancy.

My therapist made me aware that I tend to hold back on saying things for fear of hurting other people but she also said that in doing so I’m robbing them of their growth. She made me think of how it felt to see pregnancy announcement and how I navigated those feelings myself and how those feelings helped me grow. And perhaps if I did a pregnancy announcement it would initially sting for someone but it would also likely help them confront and navigate some difficult feelings themselves? There’s no way to know for sure of course. And of course that could also have just been lip service to get me to stop whining about my good fortune. Either way, it made me feel better for a second.

I think I’ll leave it there for today. It’s almost 5 and I’m still powering through a quick project that I’m trying to wrap my head around. And it’s almost food time!



Three Weeks Down

We did it!! Less than 3 hours until I leave for the appointment. I can’t tell in the cramps in my tummy are nerves or poop or baby.

This week was decidedly better. Thank goodness for therapy. I think I just need a good long one hour cry.

I am still petrified but I am at least functioning better and sleeping a little better.

It’ll all be over in a little while. I’ll write again this evening with good or bad news. Thank you for again, as always, for the support and caring words.

Here goes nothing.




Two Weeks Down

8 more days. Finally into single digits.

I don’t want this to be another “woe is me” post but do rest assured the woe continues to be me.

I guess I am feeling more symptoms one could say. So I’m clinging to that with all my might. The motion sickness is more frequent and water has suddenly started to taste funny. My poor butt is screaming for sweet sweet relief. I’ve done 32 injections now. Whooo! N has hit nerves (I think) twice and that’s a whole new level of pain. But every so often he finds a new sweet spot and I feel like I could go on forever. Those are good days.

Last week someone who transferred around the same time as me had a missed miscarriage. As you can imagine this ruined me completely. I cried at the salon and blamed it on an errant hair that got in my eye. I remember when she got her positive she immediately started doing 4 week and 5 week bump pics holding her belly with signs and everything. I remembered being in awe of her bravery and how I wanted to be brave like that. I couldn’t even change my period tracker to a “P” tracker. So when her bad news came, I was absolutely crushed for her. I can’t imagine opening my heart so widely and then having it ripped out. No thank you.

But there’s no right way to navigate this part of the journey, is there? Bad things happen all the time. And you can’t live your life behind closed doors hoping that if you just sit still you’ll be okay.

I’ve had my heart broken a gazillion times and my motto has always been to “sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching and love like you’ll never be hurt”. All through my “heartbreak” 20’s that was always my goal. Give everything, that way you never doubt that you tried your best.

I feel now that having a boy break your heart doesn’t hurt nearly as much as a failed IVF cycle but that’s because I’m closer to the IVF stuff now. I remember spending an entire day crying in bed over one chap. I thought I would never recover.

And I remember failed IVF cycle #4 and how I thought I would never recover from that.

But now I never even think of that chap. And there’s been so much IVF happiness that the fails are distant memories.

So I’m trying to do a massive shift in my mindset here. Since I can’t seem to cling to hope and positivity for longer than a few minutes (and I really and truly appreciate that all of you are being hopeful and positive for me), I can at least cling to the fact that, in the end, everything will be okay.

As they say… This too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone but it’ll pass.

One Week Down

The prenatal appointment is set for March 12th. So we have 2 more weeks to go. I forgot how torturous this wait is.

The worst part is actually the progesterone injections. I’m on day 26 of injections and I think I have 15 more to go. Hopefully they’ll let my stop but I think they make you go until 10 weeks. Which will mean another 10 on top of the 15. I don’t know if my maths is correct here but either way it’s a lot. But I’ve done it before and I will do it as long as I need to but boy does it suck. I can barely sit down. I am doing the ice before and heat after but my butt is worn out. I’m think of going into my thigh but I’m a little afraid of that.

The other thing is that I’m not feeling any notable symptoms. My nips tingle for a few minutes when I wake up and throughout the day I have about 5 waves of nausea and One or two tugs in the uterus area. I also feel like I’m bleeding every few minutes uggh. But nothing that can’t be attributed to the medication. My mind is completely fucked.

I am testing everyday like a crazy person and that’s really the only assurance I have and in all honesty, it’s not really that assuring.

I cried in therapy last week. I can’t even say the word that starts with P. Like I have a mental block when it comes to that word. I told my therapist that I had told a friend that I want to enjoy this time as much as possible, almost to the point of being obnoxious because I didn’t have that experience with Lucky, and as soon as I said it I took it back. It wasn’t the time to be excited. It’s too soon.

I cried when I explained that I can’t utter the words and when people asked for more information (due dates and whether I wanted a boy or girl) that my guts go cold and my hands get sweaty.

The day when we found out the second beta, I was at B’s house while we were sitting outside and our sons played in the sand box. After the excitement died down she said I should tell her son. I immediately forgot how to speak English. I blustered and stuttered and eventually spat out that Hey O! Guess what, Lucky might be getting a baby sister or brother. I wanted to throw up. The news wasn’t really received well anyway. Little O wants a sibling too but his mom isn’t about that life right now. I guess I should have reworded it but I was trying not to throw up all over him and deck.

I had also started to write thank you cards to the three nurses at work who administered shots for me. I stood for 30 minutes at Target choosing the right cards and chocolates. I started writing one card and quickly tore it up because I didn’t want to jinx anything. When I told my therapist this I broke down. It’s just a card. Jinxes aren’t real.

I ended up wording the cards very carefully. Using coded language like “so far so good” and “For now, it worked”. All I really wanted was to convey my thanks and it became a whole thing. One of the cards, I wrote and re-wrote and cut up 3 times before settling on something that sounds grateful yet guarded.

This morning one of the nurses came down to my cube and whisper screamed and waved her hands in the air and danced in a circle and hugged me (shhh lady, my boss is literally 5ft away). She asked for the due dates and again my stomach clenched up and I wanted to run away. But after she left I had a massive smile on my face and for a quick second I felt I’d done the right thing. I felt excited and I guess what one would consider normal in these circumstances.

That second has passed now and I’m back to feeling dread and impending doom. It would suck to have to give her bad news after she practically lifted me out of my chair.


I guess all I’m trying to say is that I would like to get off this part of the ride. I’d like to be on the part of the ride where it’s still scary as hell but I have a proof of life and maybe some morning sickness.

15 days to go.




Still Good News

I totally forgot that the 2nd beta is the more stressful one.

After the first beta, I shared the news with everyone, blissfully ignorant. N brought me down to earth real quick with his skepticism. So much so that I barely ate anything all day because I was so stressed out.

Thankfully, the beta more than doubled and I don’t have to go back for another test which is a relief. I have to call them tomorrow  to set up an appointment for an ultrasound.

So it looks like this is really happening again. Wow. N has steadfastly said that he won’t be getting excited until he sees a heartbeat. I think we’re both a little in denial. I had hope, but I certainly didn’t expect it to work this quickly.

I’m relieved but still waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know how it goes.

Infertility will forever be the thief of joy.

IVF Round 7 Results

It worked!!!

It worked it worked it worked!!!

I’m equal parts relieved and stressed out because the Beta is over 100 but significantly lower than with Lucky’s (341). But the nurse was very excited so that’s good then.

Once we’re over the Beta hurdles and have made it though the ultrasound (please let it get there) I’ll probably be confident enough to write the betas and talk about my TWW symptoms. I will say that I was so confident that this would work based on the symptoms but this morning, I swore I was getting my period (it was due yesterday) so I lost all hope.

The drive up to the clinic was terrible. I was near to tears, thinking over and over, I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to do this again. I’m exhausted. Please please please.

I took the same route I take everyday. Pleading and bargaining with the universe. I came to a stop street and I looked left and right and as I moved on my eyes flitted to the second floor of a house on the corner. The window was covered by a black sheet. And written on the sheet in massive white letters, H.O.P.E. It was written backwards obviously for the room’s occupant to take heed. But I feel like the universe had given me a little wink and smile.

Usually they call at 2pm ish but the call came at 11. We had barely just finished breakfast and were settling in for a little cartoon time. I picked up this time and immediately put her on speaker. Her excited “Hi” was all I needed for my butt cheeks to finally unclench for the first time in 10 days.

So here we are. We’ve made it. I won’t count my chickens just yet. I go back on Monday, so that will be the real test but for now, for now I can go out and celebrate with a virgin daiquiri.

Thank you guys so much for all your support this time around. I’m so relieved.

We did it!



Loop De Loop

It is done. Everything went according to plan and I’m comfy on the couch relaxing.

Well everything didn’t go swimmingly but it ended well lol.

We always give ourselves 2hrs to get there. So we left at 6 for my 8am acupuncture appointment. Unfortunately it was raining and everyone got into a car accident so we had to take a million back roads and we pulled into the parking lot at 8am!

I ran in an dived onto the table just as she was about start sticking the needles in (haha). I struggled to relax of course but I kind of think it’s difficult to lay still and relax for 30 minutes if it’s just you and your thoughts and plinky plonky music. Am I wrong?

After acupuncture I went back to the waiting room and started chugging water. At our last transfer they were running late so I wasn’t too worried but after glass of water #2 they came to get us and I wasn’t nearly ready to pee yet. Yikes.

They didn’t even take us to another room first to fill out forms, the took us straight to the transfer room. It was all happening so quickly. By the time I came out with of the bathroom the doctor was already in the room introducing himself. Dr T. What a joy he was. The personification of awesome bedside manner. The sonographer was the same one from our last transfer. She was lovely as well. The room just fell warm and fuzzy and I loved it.

But my bladder wasn’t full at all so it took some doing. She was pushing so so hard on my tummy. That plus the speculum pain. I was holding N’s hand in a death grip. I was watching the screen and usually you can make out the catheter at the very least but I couldn’t even make that out. I was starting to get nervous because they seemed to be struggling to find the catheter in my uterus. The embryologist came in and he put the tube in and they still couldn’t find it on the screen. It was a tense few seconds. Then it appeared. Dr T said “Oh there it is. It seems to have done a loop de loop to get into the uterus”. He’s delightful. Who said loop de loop anymore?

Then we saw the flash of the embryo being popped out.  The embryologist took the tube to see if there was anything it while Dr T took everything out of me and the sonographer wiped my belly. “That was a perfect transfer Dr T!” shouted the embryologist. He stood up and proceeded to applaud. Just delightful.

Afterwards, they gave us the room to do the progesterone shot then I went to do another round of acupuncture. Then N and I went to a nice lunch and then we had dentist appointments and finally made it home to relax clean Lucky’s car seat because he’s sleeping at grandma’s tonight. Car seats are gross.

At the dentist N and I took a bet to see who could get to the car first because we disagreed on which was the quickest route. Once we got out, I took off and ran to the car. I won (of course) but when he got there he asked if I should be running. I completely forgot I had an embryo on board. I totally had an internal panic attack for the drive home but my goal for this cycle was to try to forget. I don’t want to do crazy symptom spotting like last time. I want to try and fill these next ten days with happy distractions. Last time I was too obsessed. So I’m a little relieved that I ran to the car. In that brief moment I was happy. It was a fun day with N all in all. I’m going to try to keep that trend going. With a bit less running maybe :).

It’s going to be a very long week next week. Just work work work bleh. I’m going to see if I can do daily random posts to get my mind off things.

Okay my friends. It’s bed time over here. I’ve been up since 4 and I’m ready to crash. Thank you for being there for me again and again.

❤ ❤ ❤