I Finished a Meal

I think we’ve turned a corner with the morning sickness. It’s like night and day. I still have a mid-day slump and if I sit or lay around for too long I start to get a headache and feel ill. This one seems to like being on the move. So I’ve been drinking a tiny glass of iced coffee every day around 2:30 for an energy bump and to stave off the headache and once I start cooking dinner at 5ish I feel better again.

And last night I made fajitas and actually got through the entire meal! I usually tap out after a few bites. So I’m happy that things are on the up and up.

I’ve been thinking a lot about… Well everything really. But mostly about how I’m to approach this new journey. I remember when we were deep in the throws of the 2nd round of IVF after the chemical. The situation was so dire. Only 2 sent for testing. My AMH rapidly declining with every failed cycle. I was begging and bargaining with the universe to please let this work. I promise I would honor and treasure this pregnancy. I would scream it from the hills. I would take weekly annoying bump pics with size of the baby in cutesy captions. I would do anything in my power to believe that the baby was real and to not be afraid of stupid jinxes.

And here we are, almost 16 weeks in and I’m petrified all over again. Only yesterday did I manage to take a bump picture. I still feel the bile rise up in my throat after we’ve shared the news with someone new. I managed to put in my maternity leave on Monday and was choking back nervous tears through the entire conversation with the HR director.

I’ve been analyzing Lucky’s birth a lot too and I think a lot of the reason that it affected me the way it did was because we weren’t at all prepared. At all. And the reason we weren’t prepared is because I never believed that it was real. That he was real. I didn’t believe and I was afraid of jinxes. You’ll remember that we never packed a hospital bag. Why would I if this was all just a dream? And what if I did and something happened to him?

We went to the doula birthing classes, I downloaded the meditation app, I bought those affirmation cards. Not once did I meditate and as soon as the cards came I packed them away. I was going through the pregnancy motions but never fully committed to the idea and it kills me when I think about it.

But we’ve been given another chance. We’ve even been given (albeit with some caveats) a chance to try to have the birth we’d hoped for. I owe it to Dandelion. I owe it to Lucky.

I owe it to myself to jump into this feet first with arms wide open and just embrace everything. It’s scary to just think of letting go. But I think I can face things and still be afraid seeing as how bravery isn’t the absence of fear and all.

I think I’ll start with more frequent blog posts and weekly bump pics for myself. I realize that that opens my blog up to possibly losing the few followers I have left or exposing readers still in the wait to triggers. Something I was afraid of with Lucky. I don’t want you to think that I’m not cognisant of all of this. I just know that I don’t remember milestones of my pregnancy with Lucky because I didn’t document anything and that makes me sad too. I just want to be prepared and I don’t want to have any regrets, but please know that I do get it. I always try to be sensitive in my posts. But I feel that it’s probably even more unlikely to be possible seeing as how this is my second pregnancy.

My therapist made me aware that I tend to hold back on saying things for fear of hurting other people but she also said that in doing so I’m robbing them of their growth. She made me think of how it felt to see pregnancy announcement and how I navigated those feelings myself and how those feelings helped me grow. And perhaps if I did a pregnancy announcement it would initially sting for someone but it would also likely help them confront and navigate some difficult feelings themselves? There’s no way to know for sure of course. And of course that could also have just been lip service to get me to stop whining about my good fortune. Either way, it made me feel better for a second.

I think I’ll leave it there for today. It’s almost 5 and I’m still powering through a quick project that I’m trying to wrap my head around. And it’s almost food time!



6 thoughts on “I Finished a Meal

  1. Even when I was in the pits of fertility hell, I always got kind of mad when the bloggers I followed got pregnant and then dropped off the face of the earth. It was like, Come on, I’ve followed you this far. And I don’t get to see the good stuff? Lame!

    Others may be different, but that’s always been my take. There’s a season for everything, and for people who don’t want to follow the happier parts, they can always disengage and go find other blogs.

    I get it, though, how hard it is to believe anything is real and how hard it is to celebrate something that feels so tenuous. The terror of the rug being yanked out from under you yet again. I’ve lost four and birthed 2. I’m glad I went ahead and documented and celebrated the ones that were successful, even when it scared me. Even if it’s been a rough road to get here, we’re just as validly in this phase of life as anyone else.

    I’m so, so happy for you and sending all the good vibes your way. If I got lucky twice, anyone can!

  2. I agree with Pamela. I don’t think you should feel bad for wanting to document milestones. It’s one of the things that infertility steals from us, that ability to enjoy “normal” parts of pregnancy and parenthood. I’m always cognisant that people may be suffering their own battles and I sometimes feel almost apologetic about posting anything kid related… but I also think, I try not to post to people who don’t want to see it (I do check in with childless friends), I often emphasise that it was a struggle to have him. And I do more to protect people than “normal” people do. Don’t let infertility rob you of the joy of your experience of parenthood. Anyone who’s struggling should be happy for those of us who manage to have children, even if it’s hard when it’s not you. I’m always happy for people who’ve struggled even if I have to mute them for a while. (I don’t any more but sometimes did when I was in the trenches.) Hope you feel better soon! 💕💕

  3. Yay! I can’t wait to see how this unfolds for you all! It was fun watching Lucky’s story, but you are right, there’s more that you are not telling and we are all wanting to hear! Looking forward to it!

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