Taking a Moment

Just thinking about my 3 little ones who didn’t pass PGD testing this week. I didn’t get full details but 2 were unbalanced (not sure which chromosomes) and 1 poor little baby was missing chromosome 22 and had and extra chromosome 19.

That’s a total of 7 embryos who likely wouldn’t have made it passed the first trimester had we transferred them without testing. I’m very grateful to have PGD testing to help avoid 7 potential early miscarriages but I am sad for them.

I’m sad but I’m so happy they were there. They each gave us renewed hope every single day they pushed through to make it to blastocysts.

They fought so hard and I’m so proud of them for trying.

It’s not lost on me that they were just balls of cells at that stage but they were ours. They were mine and I loved them.

I love them still.

Great News, Good News, Bad News

Great news: One embryo is normal! One perfect little potential baby. It was such a stressful day. The clinic called me three times today giving me a tiny heart attack each time. They were paper work calls but damn..IT! The last call I asked if I would hear about my kiddos today and she said yes. I told her that I was very nervous and she told me not to be. That really calmed me down. I don’t know whether or not she was privy to any information but the confidence in her voice made me feel calm. On the drive home I got a call from a Rhode Island number. It ended up being the RE so I’m glad I didn’t let it go to voicemail. He gave me the good news and briefly went over the plan for the ERA test which will start with my next period. Then we made with the pleasantries and his last words to me were “Lucky embryo number 12″… So that’s what I will name it… Lucky. It’s going to be a great Christmas!

Good news: We booked tickets to go to South Africa for Christmas! We’re set to leave next Thursday! I can’t wait to see my family and my friends. The best bit is my best friend is going to be there and I’m going to meet her sons for the first time. Her eldest is 3 and the newy is 4months ish. It’s going to be a good Christmas!

Bad news: N dropped a bomb on me that he can’t join me for the trip home. The job he’s doing currently is being delayed and we can’t afford to change his flight details. I am heartbroken. We’ve never spent Christmas apart and I really don’t want to do it. It’s going to be a bad Christmas…

The Purge

A strange thing happened after Thanksgiving. I’m not sure if it’s happened to me before. If it has, I don’t remember or I didn’t blog about it.

We had a good Thanksgiving. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. We do 2 dinners. One with his dad’s side of the family and then another with his mom. I expected his dad’s one to be a little hard since it was the first without his dad but it was good. There were laughs and everyone was in a good mood.

Dinner at his moms was pretty good as well. The food was amazing! I’m 100% not eating healthy right now. Perhaps I’ll start again when we run out of left overs.

We got home at about 9pm and while we were sitting on the couch I realized N had to go to work in morning and I would be alone all day and a huge wave of emotion just crashed into me. I felt lame like the weight of the world just rested its fat ass on my shoulders. My breath was a little ragged and I choked back tears. At first I tried to fight it because I thought I was being silly but then I thought that this had to happen. I felt heavy but also felt like I was at the top of the roller coaster, the scary bit when you’re just about to drop.

So I grabbed my blanket and sunk into the couch and just let it happen. I didn’t cry but I just felt all the emotions. Heavy waves crashing into me. I thought of everything we’ve been through this year and let those emotions come to the surface, hang out a bit and go away.

 

I think I was too emotional to cry. It was a lot to feel all at once and It lasted pretty much the rest of the night. I was just a big ball of catharsis but eventually I was able to drag myself to bed and fall into a very deep sleep.

The next morning I felt a lot lighter and ready to take on the rest of the weekend. When I think about it, I think it was the last of the hormones from the cycle purging from my body. My period was just ending as well and I’m usually weepy at the end of my period but this was way more than just weepy.

I’m glad that’s over and I just wanted to document it. Has anyone experienced this after an IVF cycle? Or am I just an emotional weirdo?

I Can’t Brie-lieve It!

FOUR!!!

Earlier when I heard, it was more like

FOUR…

But the news has sunk in for the most part. I am so relieved that this part is over. Of course I wanted more. We always want more. But 4 is better than we’ve ever done. This is cycle is still the best cycle!

I am so fucking scared of the next part but I am going to try my utmost to relax and forget about it as best as I can. Thanksgiving could not have come at a better time.

So there you have it, my friends. 4 little fighters. 4 potential babies. 4 hopes and dreams.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat and entire wheel of brie.

 

Faith Purchases

Hello!
We’re on day 6 and I am Fuh-reaking out. Silently. On the inside.

I think I didn’t want to write before because I didn’t want to jinx anything but I can’t really concentrate on anything today so I thought I would catch you all up.

So my next call was supposed to be on Saturday (day 3) but Friday around 6pm Dr P called himself to find out how I was recovering and to give me a day 2 update.

We still had 12 on day 2. I was extremely relieved. The doctor didn’t sound excited. He said that they ranged from 2 to 6 cell and they were all B’s and C’s, which is great! I was relieved because I figured if we lose half like we usually do on day 3 then at least we’ll still have more than we’ve ever had on day 3. So Friday was yet another good day.

Both of us had to work on Saturday and I was surprisingly okay. I came to terms with my 6 embryos. I started going over plan B’s and just mentally preparing myself for big drop offs. She called around noon and I had to run out of my dungeon office to where there was cellphone reception.

Twelve little guys were still happily growing!! Wow. Both the nurse and I were absolutely giddy. I asked her for the cell counts and grades but I’d forgotten a pen and paper so I wasn’t even really listening to what she was saying but there were some A’s B’s and C’s thrown in.

The rest of the day was a blur of good news sharing and a little work peppered in. I wanted to go out and celebrate but both of us were so tired from work we just climbed into PJ’s and watched 90 day fiance all night until 1am. So Saturday was certainly a good day.

Sunday was a long day. I had wonderful plans to meal prep but then I realized that it’s a 2.5day week and that would be dumb. I thought I would just makes lunches at least but Saturday night I’d forgotten to take the Cabergoline so I took it in the morning and as soon as I wanted to start cooking I was hit with the motion sickness. We rotted away again in front of the tv for the rest of Sunday.

Yesterday was another long day. A long and terrible day. I know that they said they would call on Tuesday to let us know how many were biopsied and frozen but last time on day 5 at around 9am, Dr G called several times and eventually left the message that no one going through this wants to get. So yesterday I was quite a mess. I don’t want anyone to call but I want to know how our embryos are doing. I am going to say that since I didn’t get a call all day that at least they’re not all gone. I think that’s a safe assumption.

I don’t know why I’m big on jinxes (rolls eyes at self) but it is what it is I guess. So I was thinking this weekend that our PGD lab charges $250 per embryo over 8. We’ve never been there before so I’ve always just budgeted for the minimum. And now in a perfect world we may have 4 embryos I didn’t budget for. I would have to transfer extra money to our IVF account for the PGD lab. I can’t remember if they debit the account as soon as my clinic tells them how many samples they’re getting or or if they debit the account when they have the samples in hand. So yesterday I made a big ‘faith purchase’ and transferred the extra money into the account. And I’m really hoping and praying they use at least some of it. But if they don’t I will spend that money on something to make myself feel better :)… Or save it for the next round of PGD testing. It took a lot for me to do that. My online banking session kept timing out while I went back and forth trying to decide. I made the purchase but I’m still undecided, if that makes sense. But it’s done and it’s not the end of the world.

So here we are. 9 am on day 6. My stomach is in knots. I want them to call already. N keeps saying that he has a good feeling about this. I do sometimes but I’m very scared still. Especially today. I made the mistake yesterday of googling stories about embryo drop off rates after day 3. Huge mistake. But I’ve put a self ban on Google now so that’s good.

Okay, I have to get some work done. My next post will have results.

I hope everyone is having a good week so far!

Cycle Buddy Guilt

This are going extremely well this cycle. A little too well. I’m so excited and, at the same time, I’m wrestling my doubt demons. When you’re up so high the fall is going to suck.

Of the 20, 15 were mature and 12 fertilized… 12! and 15 mature?! How is that possible? I’m over the moon. Another baby step win! I’m really trying to stay present in every moment and enjoy this. I think I’m an emotional eater… No, I definitely am. I was so happy I went to buy all the sugar and carbs I could find. All of them.

One thing I’m not enjoying is feeling guilty about the good results. I almost don’t want to post the results on Instagram. I used to hate having cycle buddies. Actually I still kinda don’t like it. Mostly because I was always the “loser”. Most of the women I cycled with are pregnant now and it hurts. And some of them have children and it’s a constant reminder that my baby could have been that age now.

This time, all my cycle buddies aren’t doing as well and I seem to be doing great (I probably just jinxed myself now but whatever, today is great). Now I feel bad. I don’t want others to hurt while I’m not and I especially don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s hurt.

Of course things could turn around for them they are not out of the game yet and I could still end up “losing” but today some of them are disappointed and I feel quite the opposite.

Has anyone experienced cycle buddy guilt? I’m trying to think of a tactful way to share results on Instagram. I mean I could just deactivate the account and not have to deal with it, right?

Anyway, my next call will be on Saturday. Please keep us in your thoughts. This part is so hard.

Carb City

It was a good day and a good retrieval. I only took today off so I’m just napping and resting and filling up on all the carbs I missed out on these past few weeks.

I’ll write more in the morning but everything went well and the pain is minimal. I’m just battling a violent headache. 

They retrieved 20 eggs!  I’m extremely surprised and elated. I know most of them won’t be mature but that’s a great number. I was worried that with that many eggs I would be in a bunch of pain but I’m really doing well. Right now anyway. 

One day at a time. And today was a win. 

Thank you very much everyone for keeping us in your thoughts. Thank you so very much. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to dive into a grilled cheese sandich… Maybe two.