August Favourites

Before I get into it I have mini update. I finally got through to the infertility urologist and made an appointment for the 26th (4 weeks bleh!) and I also made and appointment for a second opinion. Same clinic, different RE. I’m going to see if I can get another second opinion appointment at another clinic on Tuesday. But we’ll see.

Phew, it’s been a while since I’ve done this. It’s been a while so there are quite a few faves.

Waterpik
I bought this shortly after getting my braces and I absolutely love it!! I’m not going to lie, I hate brushing my teeth. I love having clean teeth and fresh breath but I find brushing my teeth tedious and it usually takes up time I could use for something else. And now with braces I’m forced to brush way more often. I was skeptical about the waterpik because it was just another tool to take up time but I love it. I look forward to the night time brush because of it. The braces have not been easy and I love my teeth feel after waterpik’ing. Definitely a great purhase.
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Instant Pot
I’ve had my eye on this thing for a long time now and N bought it for me for my birthday. Granted, I’ve only used it once but it is fantastic. I made a boneless leg of lamb in under an hour and it was magical. If you love kitchen gadgets then this is a must-have.
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Adidas sneakers
I bought these in New Hampshire. BOGO 50% off. I am so happy to have adidas back in my cupboard again. The blue ones especially, since they go with everything.

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Look at me being fancy with the shoe placement

World Map Art
I found this at Marshalls. I have no eye for decor but I love this. I can’t wait to put it up when we redo the tv room.
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My Nose Ring
Best purchase this year. It’s healing nicely. Doesn’t hurt at all. I’m in love!

Devacurl – SuperCream Coconut Curl Styler
I’ve been using this for a few months and I only realized how much I love it when I tried something else that paled in comparison. It does everything a curly girl could dream of. Defines my curls perfectly. It’s a cream so no scrunching the gel cast off when my hair dries and my curls are super soft. It really is my favourite hair product right now. It’s pricey at $20 but worth it.
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Derma Doctor BB Cream
Another product I’ve been using for a few months that I only realized I love after it ran out. This stuff is fantastic. The sales lady told me that it supposedly changes colour to match your skin tone. I don’t know if that’s true but it works. I don’t like wearing full foundation make up and this does everything I need it to do makeup-wise. It’s $38 at Ulta but lasts over a year which is perfect if you’re someone who doesn’t wear a lot of make up.
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Frozen Sangria
I know summer is over but this drink deserves the best summer drink award. For sure. It’s fruity and boozy and refreshing. Thank you pinterest for keeping me tipsy. Here’s the link for a recipe. http://www.gimmesomeoven.com/frozen-sangria-recipe/

Moscow Mule
Raving about the frozen sangria made me feel guilty for neglecting to mention my other go-to summer drink. Okay now I want a drink.

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This is from when I made a frozen one

Cumberland Farms Honey Flavoured Cheese Curls
I wish I had a pic of these. I can’t find it on Google. Anyway, I’m big on salty-sweet flavours and this is right up my alley. Love love love!! If you have a Cumberland Farms in your area, your should try it.

Lemon Cream Sauce
We eat a lot of fish or seafood here. After all this time I never thought to sauce my fish. And it’s so easy. I do this all the time now. Just butter, garlic, whipping cream, lemon juice and any spice that tickles your fancy.

TV Shows
Shameless: Obsessed with this show. I can’t wait for it to come back next month. Lip is the love of my life.
Ray Donovan: I want to marry Ray
Orphan Black: Just started it. The main actress is phenomenal
The Night Of: The first episode is fantastic and by the end I just hated everyone lol
Chelsea: My girl is back on Netflix. Life makes sense again.

The Internet
Not the actual internet. This is a group I stumbled across on Spotify a while back. They have a jazzy, soulful sound. I can’t get enough. Great relaxing, light summery music. And this one song in particular really helped me after our last failed cycle. It features Yuna who is also worth listening to. Her voice is so soulful. Here’s the song. It’s called Sunset.
My other faves of theirs is Girl, Dontcha, Red Balloon, Go With It and Missing you.

Thanks for reading this long ass post! Happy September!

 

 

IVF Limbo

We’ve had 2 appointments since last I updated. N had one with a urologist last week. I couldn’t make the appointment so I sent him with a long list of questions and information. I had requested my medical records from our clinic but they didn’t come in time so they called me with all of N’s semen analysis results.

And then before he went to the appointment I was stressing about whether this guy would have some promising ideas and then I realized that he’s not a urologist who specializes in the infertility. Should have thought about that before, right? Ugh.

Anyway, despite all that, the appointment went well. He put N on Anastrozole instead of Clomid. He said he’s seen better results with it and it should kick in in a few weeks. He said that TESE wouldn’t yield any good sperm so probably isn’t a good option. He also mentioned that him and his wife went through something similar so that was nice. He stressed the importance of putting your marriage first during all of this. I think it was nice for N to hear from someone who’s been through this.

All in all it was a good appointment. Fast forward to Wednesday’s appointment with our RE.

It was a little tough. He said that they had to use N’s frozen sample and his fresh one and they struggled to find anything worth using so they didn’t even use PICSI. We talked about the urologist appointment and he said that the one we went to probably wasn’t a specialist so he gave us the card of a Dr. O in Boston who’s supposed to be the bees knees of infertility urology and he would be able to give better advice wrt TESE/MESA and Anastrozole etc. We also talked about my egg quality. He again mentioned that my eggs weren’t the best but that he’s seen women get pregnant with similar looking eggs.We reviewed our last dismal cycle and he said that he’s pushed me as far as they want to push my body and he doesn’t want to do anything if the sperm sample isn’t going to be any help. He also said that donor sperm is an option if we don’t want to struggle like this anymore.
And then he gave us 3 choices.
1. Donor sperm
2. Go see an infertility urologist, then come back if he has a plan.
3. Get help from another clinic.

I was doing okay up until the point where he said go to another doctor. I cried silently while I listened to him say that his main goal is to get us pregnant so if that means staying with them or going to someone else then that’s our decision. But he gave us no plan and didn’t really give any hope either.

I don’t know, you guys. I wasn’t happy with this appointment. It feels like he’s given up and that’s not something anyone wants to hear. I was on the fence again about getting a second opinion because I trust him and now this. My main worry was that he would suggest donor sperm or say that he doesn’t know what else to do and he did just that. I feel like he fired us.

N is unphased, however. He is positive about this Dr. O. I think I’ll feel more positive once we lock in an appointment date.

I’m doing okay today though. I was really bummed on Wednesday but I’m okay. I mean, I would have liked a plan and start date. Things are up in the air now. So the uncertainty is testing me but being around N’s positivity is rubbing off on me.

I don’t know he does it but I really appreciate it.

So here we are. A couple with yucky eggs and shitty sperm and as of now, no next steps.

 

 

It’s Still the Best Month

So it’s been a week since everything went to shit. I wrote a post a few days ago recounting the events of the day that I got the phone call and it was utterly depressing. I had to stop half way because it was dinner time and, frankly, it was bumming me out.

The 10th of August was a bad day. A “horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day”. I cried and raged and talked and slept…. And then it was over.

The truth is, I could have crumbled. I could have. I would have if I hadn’t reached out and and if everyone hadn’t rallied around us. But my village (yourselves included) went a long way to lift me up and made it very difficult to break down.

So honestly, by the 11th all was good. And this month has still been fantastic. On Friday we went on a booze cruise in Boston to see the band Bad Fish (who I knew nothing about). The entire night was a comedy of errors and so much fun. We took the T in and realized it was an 18 minute walk to the boat and we had 20 minutes before it left and I was in heels. I ended up taking my shoes off and we made it with minutes to spare. The cruise itself was fun. 3 hours on the water and it was too hot near the band so we all just stayed on top. I don’t even know what the band looked like. The best part was at the end they were playing my favourite song (Don’t stop believing by Journey) and as the guitar riff was going at the end an airplane flew really low and slow over the boat and everyone lost their minds. You couldn’t plan that perfect timing. Going back we had to walk as well and by this time my feet were screaming. Eventually N had to give me his socks and we hopped onto the last train. The drunkest guy in the world was sitting/passed out across from me and another young lady and we both watched in terrified anticipation while he rocked back and forth almost puking all over himself and just spitting everywhere. What a lovely first time on the midnight train it was.

The drive home was supposed to be without incident but as we pulled up to the house there was a sneaky cop behind us. Apparently N’s licence was expired and he had no idea. Luckily he just got a warning.

Finally, we walked in the house at 2am and I had to wash my feet. Being the smart lady I am I filled up the bathroom sink and dunked my foot in it. The sink, however, said “Oh heeell no!” and my foot went right though, dumping water everywhere. What fun we had, unpacking the vanity and wiping up water together at 2:30 in the morning.

We spent the rest of the weekend doing nothing on Saturday to doing everything on Sunday. Deep cleaning the house and replacing the sink.

So the week has been going pretty well too and it got a little better yesterday when I pierced my nose again for the 4th time in my life.

I was a serial piercer and during the course of last year I removed most of my piercings. Two of which were specifically related to TTC. My acupuncturist said that they were messing with my chi. Now, I’ve grown used to not having anymore piercings but I’ve always been sad about the nose ring so it was kismet that N’s cousin’s new boyfriend, who we met on the cruise, did piercings! So yesterday I bit the bullet and I’m so so happy. My  nose was definitely meant to have a ring of some sort in it🙂. And it was kind of like my little “fuck you” to infertility and TTC and claiming back a bit of my life that this journey has invariably taken from me.

So you see, my friends, I have not had time to feel sorry for myself. I will admit, though, that part of me is a little untrusting of how okay I am. Is there a meltdown lurking in the corners? Will N get no help at this urologist appointment tomorrow? Will we get truly bad news at our follow-up appointment next week? Only time will tell.

Until then, I have 3 more days as a 34 year old and I am going to do tear it apart.

Here’s to me! Here’s to my village! Here’s to us!

And here’s a picture of the sink I broke.

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Well That Didn’t Last Long

We’re back where we were 2 cycles ago.

14 eggs were mature (what I expected) and 9 fertilized normally. And then today I got the call that 5 were still growing on day 3.

We’re still not out by any means but I was am crushed.

I hate this. One minuter you’re on cloud 9, the next you’re standing in the greeting card aisle in Walgreens choking back tears wondering if you’ll ever receive one of these baby cards.

There’s, of course, always hope but fuuuuck this suuuucks!!

Next update on Wednesday or Thursday.

IVF Season 4: Finale

I didn’t want to write this until we got the fertilization report. To be honest I actually wanted to disappear until this is all over. It still feels a bit too good to be true.

The day went pretty well. Both of us were in great spirits, even at 5:30am. We got there with time to spare and went through the same spiel and everything was blissfully boring. There was a new doctor doing the retrieval. The Dr L. I’d seen pictures of around the office. I told N that she was Forbes 40 under 40 a few years ago and that she is one of the doctors I was thinking of going to for a second opinion because she takes appointments closer to us. So I was glad to have met her in person and even more glad that she was so warm and friendly when she came to introduce herself to us. We also got a nice surprise visit from our nurse too. I’m so embarrassed, I didn’t recognise her at first. I met her twice since we started this journey and our exchanges have been strictly telephonic since then. But she’s been like my ivf mom and I am beyond grateful that she popped in to say hi and wish us luck.

The retrieval itself was as it always is. Over really quickly. The pain, however, was unbearable when I woke up and I was promptly given some Fentanyl. As I lay with my eyes closed, wincing, I overheard one of the nurses say “It’s probably because they got a lot of eggs” and I smiled to myself.

N came back once the nurses had stopped fussing over me and we shared some nervous glances while we quietly shared a bag of graham crackers and ginger ale.

It wasn’t long when Dr. L came in and told me, with a big smile on her face, that she’d retrieved 21 eggs. I’m tearing up as I’m writing this, still in a little disbelief. I don’t remember what I said to her but it was there were a lot of “OMG’s” and “Wow’s”.

The pain was gone almost instantly after getting the news. The graham crackers tasted sweeter, the ginger ale crisper. For the first time in a long time I felt hope. Sweet, sweet hope.

Back home, N had to go back to work and I spent the rest of the day resting and sharing the good news with friends and family. Unfortunately, as the day has wore on I’ve been battling with the fear of how high I am right now and how far of a fall it will be if bad news comes.

I’m working very hard on not letting the fear creep in. I know how lucky I am to have 21 eggs. I am trying to enjoy it. It’s amazing. My body did something really amazing today. I really need to give myself a break.

Today really was a good day.

IVF Season 4: Episode 12-13

Date: 8.1 – 8.3

Starring: 10 units microdose lupron twice a day, 0.5mg tablet dexamethasone, 200iu Gonal-F twice a day, 5000iu HCG Trigger.

Produced by: 14 follicles (12 on left, 2 on right): Left – 20, 18, 16, 15.5 x2, 15 x5 ,13.5 ,12.5 and a few <11; Right – 14, 13 and a few <11. Estrogen at 3912 on day 13 and 4552 on day 14 (Yikes!).

Directed by: Oh so much nausea and crazy period cramps.

Synopsis: So things have been rough since I last updated. Rough but good, if that’s even possible. It all started when I woke up rudely yesterday morning at 5:45am! I missed my alarm!! My appointment was at 6:30 an hour’s drive away! I was in stupor trying to gather my thoughts and scramble to get dressed and come to terms with being late for everything. I had to lay my head down for a second because I extremely frazzled and just had to wrap my mind around having overslept. I looked at my phone again and blinked a few times and then realized that I was looking at the South African time, 6 hours ahead. The mixture of anger and relief I felt messed me up for the rest of the day. I even gave myself some serious heartburn and couldn’t fall back to sleep for at least an hour. (Side note: This is not the first time that this has happened btw. I should probably change that clock)

Thankfully, I made the appointment with time to spare. I got the funny chatty super quick tech. She went really quickly, as usual, and I couldn’t keep up with her measurements. She lost me at 8 on the left so I really thought that I’d lost follicles so I was pretty down all day. I’m still in shock that she managed to measure those 12 on the left at that lightning speed. She’s the best.

I got the call in the evening that I was to not do any Gonal-F and just the 10units of microdose lupron that night. Then this morning I had to take the 10 units of microdose lupron, 200iu of Gonal-F and 1 Dexamethasone tablet before my blood draw. My estrogen was at 3912 which is the highest it’s ever been. The dizziness and nausea are still ever present and I’ve also been having bad period cramps but according to Instagram it’s all normal.

Aside from being very sick my spirits have been better since my last post. Not even bleeding all over myself after this morning’s blood draw could get me down (I guess she missed the mark with the gauze). That was a lot of blood.

So today I was prescribed another tablet, Cabergoline. This is supposed to help prevent OHSS. I’m supposed to take it tonight at bed time. My estrogen today is at 4552 so I have to take all the necessary precautions. I also bought all the electrolyte drinks and protein bars and shakes.

We did the trigger shot at 7pm and retrieval is set for 8am on Friday. Whenever I’m at the end of a cycle I think that it’s really flown by but I know that just a day or 2 ago I was crying for it to be over.

I’m not going to lie, I’m nervous as hell. I want a good number of eggs but I want to be realistic too. I keep repeating “quality over quantity” to myself just to center myself and be realistic.

It’s been a good cycle, I think, but the best part was having N do the trigger shot and the moment we shared at the end of it. I love him so much. I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else.

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Please don’t fuck me over