Ramblings

Well my quarantine journey has finally come to an end. We’re going to be going back to work in phases. Our team is going in once a week separately. I’m on Monday’s so next week will be day 1. I’m excited and indignant at the same time. I feel like it’s too soon but on the other hand I need to get out of the house. I don’t think I’ll be seeing anyone while at work so that’s okay. There won’t be students or teachers and each admin department is using this staggered phased approach. It sounds like there’ll maybe be 20-50 people in the entire school at the same time. I sit in the basement alone and no one ever comes in there so if I just don’t move for 8hrs I should be okay lol.

And the midwife has given the all clear to go back to work as well. She said based on how isolated I’ll be she doesn’t see a big risk. She mentioned that they’re recommending P women leave work at 37 weeks and 28 weeks if they’re high risk. I know I fall into the geriatric bucket (rolls eyes) but I don’t think I’m that high of a risk. Hopefully, my office will allow me to wfh from 37 weeks until maternity leave starts. But let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.

I’m indignant and sad because I don’t think daycares will be open next week and word on the street is that if I don’t have someone to watch Lucky, I have to use leave days or perhaps unpaid days. Which doesn’t make sense to me because I could just work from home. We have a meeting with HR on Friday to iron out details and rules but it just doesn’t sit right with me. Lucky will be going to his gran. She’s not immuno-compromised as far as we know but she’s in the high risk group, age wise, for sure so I’m worried about me potentially bringing something home to her but hopefully, me not seeing anyone at work will be okay. I just wish that they’d given us the option to come in or continue to work from home. I understand that we have to learn to live with this virus for now but I think I would have felt better about going in perhaps in July. After this past long weekend, especially, since everyone forgot that there was a pandemic going on.

Anyway, let’s see what the meeting on Friday brings. I’ve already resolved to go back but I am salty about it.

So, about parenting during a pandemic… It’s rough! Lucky is 2yrs 5 months now and it’s been challenging being with him 24/7. God, that sounds like the worst possible thing to say on this blog. But it’s true. In the moments that I’m not getting increasingly frustrated with him, I’m feeling guilty that I’m not giving him everything he needs. A few weeks ago he started throwing real life tantrums. I thought he did them before but wow. Wow! We went through a stint of about 2-3 tantrums a day. And he was getting violent as well. I don’t know what changed. The tantrums have tapered off to about 1 a day and he’s hasn’t thrown anything at my face (knock on wood) in a while but he’s still defiant. I think that’s just a 2yr old’s way though. He doesn’t listen to us at all. His answer to everything is a resounding “No”. He’s just so naughty.

I think he just wants more attention though. Because when he does something we’ve told him repeatedly not to, he gets a rise out of us. And I think he just wants us to pay attention to him even if it’s yelling. So I’ve resolved to give myself more breaks during the work day and to stop yelling. It makes my day longer because I have to make up the hours in the evening but it seems to be working. Every hour, I stop working and check in with him and we play a quick game. It broke my heart once because while we were building a lego house he said “Mom, I’m happy”. I’ve also increased hugs and kisses a million fold, rewarding good behaviour and generally spoiling him as often as I can.

Finding that balance is hard. But I decided that work can actually take a back burner here. I may not be teaching him how to read or write and we naively wanted to start potty training but potty training can fuck right off and I’m seeing to it that his well-being needs are being met.

So it’s been really difficult but we’re surviving. I just had to shift my expectations. It’s still difficult. When I tell you I get no breaks from him, I mean it. Not even weekends because N is working on our bathroom. His dad takes over on weekend mornings to give him breakfast and it’s glorious but the only other breaks I get are when I’m cooking and we all know that’s not a break.

My saving grace is that I’m feeling human again. I get dizzy sometimes when I get hungry and I’ve not been eating as much as I should. I tend to vacillate between being starving and having no appetite and I can’t find a good middle ground. With Lucky I only wanted sweet food so I knew what to eat but now nothing seems appetizing. Especially meat. But at least I’m finishing 80% of all my meals. That’s a win.

I’ve also started feeling movement on the outside. I don’t remember it being this soon with Lucky (18 weeks this past Saturday). And one of the main things pushing me to eat is that the food wakes him up and I can feel loads of kicks after eating.

My level 2 ultrasound is on June 8th. I thought I was okay but the closer it gets the more scared I get. We were too late to do a proper NT scan and we only did the NIPT blood test last week so I won’t get results until the level 2 anyway. I know he’s a PGD normal little guy but I’m still scared as hell. What if they mistook his balanced translocation for unbalanced? I’m sure it will be okay, but what if.

Anyway, I think I’ll leave it there for now. We’re right on time for another cuddle session then I have to start cooking and then we get to do it all over again!

If you’re struggling during this time, you’re not alone. Even Jenny Perfect on Facebook who’s doing crafts with her kids and gardening and fixing her house up. She’s fucking struggling too. My guess is she’s so busy because if she sits still for a second, her thoughts will consume her and she won’t get out of bed. You’re doing great. Whatever you’re dong. Even if you are Jenny Perfect and you just came in from gardening, your garden looks amazing and you’re amazing. But if you’re like me and haven’t washed your hair in a long ass time, you’ll get no judgement here. Rock that messy bun girl. You deserve ice cream :). We all deserve ice cream.

Love you guys,
Hang in there.

I Finished a Meal

I think we’ve turned a corner with the morning sickness. It’s like night and day. I still have a mid-day slump and if I sit or lay around for too long I start to get a headache and feel ill. This one seems to like being on the move. So I’ve been drinking a tiny glass of iced coffee every day around 2:30 for an energy bump and to stave off the headache and once I start cooking dinner at 5ish I feel better again.

And last night I made fajitas and actually got through the entire meal! I usually tap out after a few bites. So I’m happy that things are on the up and up.

I’ve been thinking a lot about… Well everything really. But mostly about how I’m to approach this new journey. I remember when we were deep in the throws of the 2nd round of IVF after the chemical. The situation was so dire. Only 2 sent for testing. My AMH rapidly declining with every failed cycle. I was begging and bargaining with the universe to please let this work. I promise I would honor and treasure this pregnancy. I would scream it from the hills. I would take weekly annoying bump pics with size of the baby in cutesy captions. I would do anything in my power to believe that the baby was real and to not be afraid of stupid jinxes.

And here we are, almost 16 weeks in and I’m petrified all over again. Only yesterday did I manage to take a bump picture. I still feel the bile rise up in my throat after we’ve shared the news with someone new. I managed to put in my maternity leave on Monday and was choking back nervous tears through the entire conversation with the HR director.

I’ve been analyzing Lucky’s birth a lot too and I think a lot of the reason that it affected me the way it did was because we weren’t at all prepared. At all. And the reason we weren’t prepared is because I never believed that it was real. That he was real. I didn’t believe and I was afraid of jinxes. You’ll remember that we never packed a hospital bag. Why would I if this was all just a dream? And what if I did and something happened to him?

We went to the doula birthing classes, I downloaded the meditation app, I bought those affirmation cards. Not once did I meditate and as soon as the cards came I packed them away. I was going through the pregnancy motions but never fully committed to the idea and it kills me when I think about it.

But we’ve been given another chance. We’ve even been given (albeit with some caveats) a chance to try to have the birth we’d hoped for. I owe it to Dandelion. I owe it to Lucky.

I owe it to myself to jump into this feet first with arms wide open and just embrace everything. It’s scary to just think of letting go. But I think I can face things and still be afraid seeing as how bravery isn’t the absence of fear and all.

I think I’ll start with more frequent blog posts and weekly bump pics for myself. I realize that that opens my blog up to possibly losing the few followers I have left or exposing readers still in the wait to triggers. Something I was afraid of with Lucky. I don’t want you to think that I’m not cognisant of all of this. I just know that I don’t remember milestones of my pregnancy with Lucky because I didn’t document anything and that makes me sad too. I just want to be prepared and I don’t want to have any regrets, but please know that I do get it. I always try to be sensitive in my posts. But I feel that it’s probably even more unlikely to be possible seeing as how this is my second pregnancy.

My therapist made me aware that I tend to hold back on saying things for fear of hurting other people but she also said that in doing so I’m robbing them of their growth. She made me think of how it felt to see pregnancy announcement and how I navigated those feelings myself and how those feelings helped me grow. And perhaps if I did a pregnancy announcement it would initially sting for someone but it would also likely help them confront and navigate some difficult feelings themselves? There’s no way to know for sure of course. And of course that could also have just been lip service to get me to stop whining about my good fortune. Either way, it made me feel better for a second.

I think I’ll leave it there for today. It’s almost 5 and I’m still powering through a quick project that I’m trying to wrap my head around. And it’s almost food time!

 

 

13 ish Weeks

It’s been a truly terrible first trimester this time around. I don’t remember the morning sickness and the exhaustion being this bad with Lucky. It might also be exacerbated by taking care of Lucky by myself all day. I’ve had no energy for anything and the lock down hasn’t been helping either. But I’m starting to feel a bit more like myself and realise that mentally it’s been draining as well. Thankfully, I’ve been able to keep up with my therapy sessions virtually. I’ve still been exercising regularly. I’m doing tap and jazz classes virtually and 2 of my dance friends and I have a personal trainer that we still see virtually twice a week. I’m so glad that I’ve continued the exercising because it helps with the sickness for some reason.

This is just another random update that’s going to be all over the place because I really feel all over the place emotionally and physically.

First, I’ve been agonizing over the birth of this little one. After Lucky was born we both agreed that we would absolutely change hospitals if we were lucky enough to do this again. Changing hospitals would mean finding a new OB practice. Something I’m not too sad about. I like my current OB, Dr L. She is sweet but she doesn’t deliver at the hospital we want to move to so oh well. But I did go see her for our first OB appointment after being released from the clinic because we had Dandelion’s IVF paperwork sent to her. It was good to see her again but again, she blew through the appointment and somewhere in her fast talking she said she’d schedule me for a c-section at 39 weeks. At that point I realized that me wanting a vbac might have to be fought for a little harder than I expected. I didn’t push back or question because I figured I wasn’t going to stay with her anyway so why rock the boat. When I got home I started researching other doctors and midwives who delivered at the hospital we want to switch to. After a few days I settled on an OB who’s practice doesn’t do VBAC’s and a midwife who’s practice does do VBAC’s under certain conditions.

Truth is, I don’t know if I want to do a VBAC. But I would like the option. So I want to talk to the no VBAC OB and see what his thoughts are and how they do planned c-sections. and I want to talk to the midwife to see if I’m even a good candidate for a VBAC. I don’t know what I want yet. All I know is that I’m not afraid of a c-section. I would like to have more information going in. I would like to not have my heart set on anything in case plans change like with Lucky. I don’t want to have my heart set on a VBAC and come 37 weeks and this child is breech as well and my life is turned upside down again. I want to go with the flow.

I have been having sleepless nights about it but I think I’m okay now that I have these appointments set up. I’m meeting the midwife and Thursday and the OB the following Thursday so by next week I should have my life sorted out a bit.

I’m also battling with the usual infertility PTSD. I’ve just written 3 paragraphs about a birth plan but last night when I was laying on my stomach my boobs didn’t hurt so how do I even know that Dandelion is still okay? The constant all day morning sickness was awful but made me feel a bit more secure but now that it’s abating I’m starting to fear the worst. We have a doppler which I’ve used twice successfully but I’m afraid to use it. I’ll try again tonight because I’m feeling too good physically right now.

And lastly… corona. Sigh. I’m so lucky that I can work from home with full pay. But it’s hard. I think it’s been hard because of the all day sickness and watching Lucky by myself because N is still going in to work everyday. I mean I could stay home for the rest of my days as long as I can order take out but emotionally I worry that I’m not doing enough and I miss my friends and family. I’ve fallen into the trap of comparing myself to everyone else. I haven’t had the energy to spring clean my house. I’m too sick and tired to do arts and crafts with Lucky. I have all these projects that I want to do that I’ve just not had the energy for. We planned on potty training Lucky during this time but he’s refusing and I’m tired so fuck it. So I feel like I’ve wasted over a month of “free time”.

My therapy sessions have just been a lot of her reassuring me that I’m doing enough. Lucky is happy (albeit a bit too fond of hitting lately which we’re working on). My family is fed and most importantly, we’re all healthy. I have to remember that I’m still working full time and I don’t actually have loads of free time to catch up on projects and still take care of a toddler and deal with first trimester woes. So in the end I’ve closed the door to the room that needs all the projects done. I put the pile clean laundry that needs folding in that room too. If I don’t see it I don’t feel too guilty. I’ve hidden Lucky’s iPad because that guilt was crushing me. But I got Disney+ and he and I have been watching all the Disney movies in the background while I work and he plays. I’m doing okay. I get waves of guilt and frustration but I’m doing okay.

I think that’s it from me for now. I’ll have more to say once I get through these appointments. I hope everyone is coping well with the situation we find ourselves in. Just remember to take it easy on yourself and you’re definitely doing enough and, yes, the constant dirty dishes fucking suck!!! When will washing dishes end?! So many dishes!!! Fuuuck!

xx

Just A Quick Update

So we’re halfway through the 2nd week of lock down. Next week is our last week. I’m not sure if they’ll extend it.

I’m thankful that I’m spending the majority of the first trimester at home where I can take as many breaks as necessary to lay on the bed and feel sorry for myself. But having Lucky home with me has brought it’s own set of challenges. For one, he doesn’t nap. So from around 2pm he’s pretty much impossible. I’ve taken him on snooze cruises in the car but I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore and he tends to wake up when I take him out of the car anyway. And when he wakes up he’s inconsolable for at least 45 minutes. Naps have been a nightmare in general. Today I’m going to try to just lay with him in a dark room. I don’t know. Part of me just wants to say eff it and let him stay awake. I don’t know.

On the other hand we’ve tried a few new things with him as well. Potty training and sleeping by himself. I’ll give you 2 guesses on which has been a total fail but you’ll only need one. Potty training worked a treat for two days. I was doing the bare butt approach and he was doing really well. But by the time the weekend rolled he just flat out refused and demanded nappies. So we gave in.

Sleeping by himself has been a dream. One night I just put a night light on for him and explained that he should try to go to sleep himself. He said he wasn’t scared and off I went and he was out within minutes. If we lay with him it takes 30 minutes to an hour to get him to fall asleep. It was wearing on us. It’s really been a breeze though. A few hiccups where he cries but it’s just for a little while then he’s out. I love it. I’ll admit that I’m a little sad that I don’t get those nighttime snuggles but this is good. It’s time.

We were talking about how he’s been through a lot this month, though. His schooling has been disrupted so he’s not getting his nap (he naps at school. I don’t know how they do it). He’s being forced to pee by himself and sleep by himself and he has to look at mom’s ugly face all day. Poor guy. So, we’re dropping potty training and just giving lots of extra hugs and not stressing out too much.

I’m also not homeschooling. I don’t know how to home school a two year old anyway. I’m sure there are sensory games we can play and learning things we can do. I was stressing about it last week but I’ve given myself a break. I’m still working full(ish) time and I’ve been terribly ill so I’m just letting him play with his toys and watch cartoons and he has his iPad time. We’re really just surviving here. We’ve gone outside maybe three times but the weather has been trash so that’s not really an option all the time. But all in all, we’re doing okay.

N is home today and right now his sitting on his dad’s lap at the computer play fighting with Cat Boy and Batman. The Secret Life of Pets 2 is on in the background and I’m on the bed with my laptop chomping on Tums and trying to figure out why my damn code isn’t working. I feel like dad is going to tap out soon and hand him over to the iPad. Let’s see how long he lasts.

My first OB appointment is set for next Friday at 10:45. They called to bring it forward from 3pm. I hope the next step isn’t cancellation but I would understand. I have a doppler here so can technically assuage my fears myself so I’m not too too worried. I can’t even be certain that they’ll be doing an ultrasound anyway.

I’m set to end progesterone and estrogen this Friday and I could not be happier. I know it’s going to be bittersweet when we get there but I can’t sit and we can’t find a spot that isn’t bruised so all shots hurts. I’m done for.

The morning sickness is I think the same like with Lucky. All day and not fun. I’ve been trying to not go hungry but I’m struggling to find things to eat. Not much else to say other than I’m trying. It’s hard but I’m trying. Again, I’m glad that I’m home so that I can lay down as often as I need. And I’ll be 11 weeks when (if) we go back to work so hopefully should be coming out of this funk. So I’m just hanging in there for now.

Actually, it’s about snack time now so I’d better wrap this up. I hope everyone is being safe out there. I know people personally who have tested positive and are very sick (not in physical contact with them). This virus is serious. There is no cure. Please stay home if you’re able.

 

Take care of yourselves

xx

 

Dandelion

The 5 seconds between putting the cam in and “There’s the heartbeat, Mom” are by far the longest 5 seconds known to man.

I saw the familiar black circle and an funky animal cracker shaped blob in the top right corner of the circle. My mind went blank and my body went numb. Why wasn’t she saying anything. I turned to look away as she said “There’s the heartbeat, Mom. Congratulations.” I said flatly that I couldn’t see it. She was definitely lying. She moved it around a little more and zoomed in and by golly there it was! A flickering white line. I melted. I literally melted, you guys. Everything unclenched and I felt a lightness I haven’t felt in weeks.

I blew hot air into the mask they made me wear (more on that below) and looked up to the ceiling and thanked whoever is out there looking out for me. I couldn’t believe it. This is really happening.

I had told my boss that I’d need 2hrs for a midday appointment. I feel like 3hrs would have been a safer bet but I hate asking for time off as it is. When N and I got to the clinic there were signs everywhere about COVID-19. The new policy was to ask 3 questions (paraphrased).

  1. Have you traveled anywhere internationally?
  2. Have you come into contact with anyone who has?
  3. Do you have a fever and/or cough

After I paid the copay they asked me the 3 questions and I said Yes to coughing because I’m coming off a bad cold. She didn’t say anything but before they brought us back the ultrasound tech asked again and when I said Yes to the cough her eyes went wide and she said she’d be right back.

She came out a few seconds later and told us that because of their new protocol we would have to leave and wait in the car until a nurse calls and clears us. WTH!!

I was panicking. Would they cancel the appointment? I told N I should have just lied but he said that’s how these things spread, so I guess he had a point. I feared that we’d be stuck out there for ages so I called my boss to say I’d be late. I left a message for him to call back. 5 minutes later the clinic called. Asked the 3 questions again and we were allowed to come back in after a few apologies. They did give me a mask to wear though. The scene when we walked back in was extremely funny.

The couple ahead of us were signing in on the sheet and the wife said “Honey I don’t think you have to use your sleeve to use the pen. Wouldn’t it be easier to just use the pen normally and then sanitize your hand after?” He mumbled “I guess” but I don’t think he was convinced.

There was a lady who looked rather panicky standing around looking nervously for a place to sit. She had blue sterile gloves on. I felt bad that I was out here coughing around these people. When I went to the front desk they handed me a mask to put on and I swear I heard sterile glove lady’s ass cheeks clam shut. We went to sit close to her (not on purpose!!) and she immediately removed herself and went to sit as far away as she could. it was pretty packed in there. I felt bad for her.

Luckily we weren’t in there for too long. I’m sure everyone was relieved to have Coughy McCougherson gone.

Once we got into the room and I was undressing my boss called again and I had to quickly explain that I would be late because I was being quarantined. Big mistake to use those words. He immediately began blustering but the tech had walked in and was beginning so I had to cut him off and I said, it’s no biggie, I’d call him back. I can just imagine his panic. Since we’re at a school we’re having our own COVID-19 issues so I don’t think I helped much.

After the ultrasound was done and I floated back down to earth we had to go back into gen. pop. where there was all new people looking nervously at my masked face. We plopped ourselves as far away from them as possible. Again we weren’t kept too long.

L who released us last time with Lucky was helping us out again. I could have sworn, last time they gave us mountains of paperwork in a giant envelope. Not this time. This time the envelope only contained the ultrasound pictures and the post-it with the sex written on it.

She went over everything from before. Dandelion measuring 8 weeks. I’ll be 8 weeks tomorrow. 16mm long. Good looking yolk sack. Due date 23 October. Heart rate at 181. Then she said they needed to do another blood test to check my blood type. So we followed her out and she asked one of the nurses to do it. Then she looked at both of us, congratulated us again and left. That was it. I did my last ever (hopefully) blood draw at my beloved clinic and then we just left. There really should be more fan fair when one graduates from an ivf clinic.

Anyway, I’ve told my boss and a few colleagues. My excitement and relief are through the effing roof. I had tap after work but still don’t have the balls to tell them yet for some reason. I think it’ll be too much attention. I like telling one person at a time.

I got home at 9:30 and its way past my bedtime so I’ll wrap it up for now. I think I’m going to have the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. Here’s to a very boring next couple of months.

Three Weeks Down

We did it!! Less than 3 hours until I leave for the appointment. I can’t tell in the cramps in my tummy are nerves or poop or baby.

This week was decidedly better. Thank goodness for therapy. I think I just need a good long one hour cry.

I am still petrified but I am at least functioning better and sleeping a little better.

It’ll all be over in a little while. I’ll write again this evening with good or bad news. Thank you for again, as always, for the support and caring words.

Here goes nothing.

xx

 

 

Two Weeks Down

8 more days. Finally into single digits.

I don’t want this to be another “woe is me” post but do rest assured the woe continues to be me.

I guess I am feeling more symptoms one could say. So I’m clinging to that with all my might. The motion sickness is more frequent and water has suddenly started to taste funny. My poor butt is screaming for sweet sweet relief. I’ve done 32 injections now. Whooo! N has hit nerves (I think) twice and that’s a whole new level of pain. But every so often he finds a new sweet spot and I feel like I could go on forever. Those are good days.

Last week someone who transferred around the same time as me had a missed miscarriage. As you can imagine this ruined me completely. I cried at the salon and blamed it on an errant hair that got in my eye. I remember when she got her positive she immediately started doing 4 week and 5 week bump pics holding her belly with signs and everything. I remembered being in awe of her bravery and how I wanted to be brave like that. I couldn’t even change my period tracker to a “P” tracker. So when her bad news came, I was absolutely crushed for her. I can’t imagine opening my heart so widely and then having it ripped out. No thank you.

But there’s no right way to navigate this part of the journey, is there? Bad things happen all the time. And you can’t live your life behind closed doors hoping that if you just sit still you’ll be okay.

I’ve had my heart broken a gazillion times and my motto has always been to “sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching and love like you’ll never be hurt”. All through my “heartbreak” 20’s that was always my goal. Give everything, that way you never doubt that you tried your best.

I feel now that having a boy break your heart doesn’t hurt nearly as much as a failed IVF cycle but that’s because I’m closer to the IVF stuff now. I remember spending an entire day crying in bed over one chap. I thought I would never recover.

And I remember failed IVF cycle #4 and how I thought I would never recover from that.

But now I never even think of that chap. And there’s been so much IVF happiness that the fails are distant memories.

So I’m trying to do a massive shift in my mindset here. Since I can’t seem to cling to hope and positivity for longer than a few minutes (and I really and truly appreciate that all of you are being hopeful and positive for me), I can at least cling to the fact that, in the end, everything will be okay.

As they say… This too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone but it’ll pass.