Let’s See

Last night I started BCP’s for this FET cycle. I’m a little shocked that it’s already go time. Granted this is going to be a very long cycle it feels like it’s happening quickly again.

My feelings are the same. Waxing and waning. Excited and Ugh what’s the point. Today I woke up with a beautiful sore throat that has me in quite a mood. The one year I get the flu shot I get sick twice. I know the flu shot only attempts to prevent the flu but I’m just annoyed that I was proactive in my not wanting to get sick this year and now look at me.

So today is an Ugh day. Truthfully I’m still skeptical. I was talking to my friend about it and even with my RE giving us all these good odds I still find myself self saying let’s see doc. Let’s just see.

This post doesn’t really have a point. Just wanted to mark the beginning of my 3rd transfer cycle.

Third transfer of yet another PGD tested normal embryo.

Different doctor.

Different protocol.

Same scenario.

Let’s see.

The End of an E.R.A.

Been dying to use that blog title for the longest time 🙂

And thus ends my ERA cycle. I am battered and bruised and so happy that it’s over. 7 weeks total. Here’s the breakdown if you’re interested.

December 25th: Period Starts. Pregnancy test negative duh.

December 27th: Start birth control pills for 3 weeks.

January 4th: Follow-up appointment with RE.

January 10th: Start daily Lupron sub-Q injections.

January 16th: Stop birth control. This is the longest month in human history.

January 19th: Baseline appointment. All systems go!

January 21st: First day of my period. 100 more days of January left.

January 23rd: Start daily 1mg estrogen pills and 1mg aspirin. Increase to 2mg estrogen at some point, then 4, then 6.

February 3rd: Stop Lupron injections.

February 5th: Start nightly Progesterone in Oil intra-muscular injections 1cc.

February 10th: Cycle ends with Endometrial Biopsy. Stop daily estrogen and aspirin.

February 14th: Stop Progesterone injections. Joy!

The biopsy was a nightmare as always and to make matters worse the nurse practitioner said that she had to do 2 biopsies. That was news to me and I actually cried when she left the room for a few seconds. One biopsy was for the ERA lab and the other was to test if my lining had any infections. Same as the first biopsy I had done. They have me scheduled for another HSG in March and I’m going to make them give me harder drugs. My friend B has so kindly offered to take me to the appointment so I hope they can do it on a day that fits her schedule. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to go through that much pain. I’m a woos and I’m proud!

And now we just wait for a period and we can start prepping to bring little Lucky home! I believe it’s suggested that you do another ERA if the result doesn’t come back as receptive but my RE doesn’t seem to think it’s necessary but gave me the choice. I am really averse to doing another one but let’s see if my RE changes his mind depending on what the results are.

So for now we are awaiting our next FET cycle. Big yay!! My app says 5 days til my period starts. Come on body, let’s get this party started!

BTW my ass hurts so much from the PIO shots. I can’t imagine doing them for 12 weeks or more. Besides ice and massaging do you guys have any tips on PIO shots? And itchy!! the injection sites are itchy as hell. I don’t think I’m allergic to the oil though. No serious skin reaction. Just itchy. Fun times.

 

 

 

 

You’re Next

As with everything “ranty”, I’ve gone back and forth about blogging about this since my intent is not to offend anyone but just to speak my truth.

While contemplating this post I’ve also had time to think about my feelings and in doing so find myself not really bothered by it anymore. Not sure if that’s because I’m sailing to the top of the infertility wave where everything is sunny and Beyonce having twins is only a tiny little punch to the gut. Either way, it’s not an issue now and I’m glad I’ve had a chance to process it.

Two of my IVF besties have been abundantly blessed recently. One just gave birth and one just found out the sex of her little one. Both of these things happened within days of one another and they both said the exact same thing to me that, at the time, annoyed me extremely.

“Don’t give up! You’re next!”

It annoyed me for a few reasons:

  1. This fantastic news is about you. It has nothing to do with me. I was more than happy being happy for you. In that moment I’d completely forgotten about me because I was lost in my friend’s joy but you brought that to a screeching halt when you reminded me that I’m still struggling. I didn’t want want to remember it at the moment. It was a “you” moment. There’s plenty of time after our conversation for me to have a breakdown but not during. And I understand that IVF moms feel survivor’s guilt and it’s inherent to want to reach out and save someone else from being hurt but it’s okay to be happy for yourself for a moment. Please enjoy it. I’ll be okay.
  2. “You’re next” is a lie. An infuriating one at that. Just based on the fact that, since writing these words, 10 children have already been born. And even if you mean that I’m next out of the 2 of us, you can’t possibly know that to be true. I just feel like “you’re next” is such a lazy thing to say to someone going through this. That’s the only way I can describe it. You couldn’t think of anything supportive to say, so you just blurted out something a fertile person would say? Just stop. The most used one liners tend to be the ones that sting the most and this one stung.
  3. “Don’t give up”… Where do I begin? Firstly, I understand. I understand holding your miracle in your arms and thinking that you’re only in this position because you fought hard and you never gave up. It’s perfectly sound advice. I get it and when I think about it, I can’t really be mad about this advice because it makes sense. You won’t get what you want if you give up. But it bothers me. It bothers me because I think this is our last year of trying. It bothers me that I will feel like a failure for giving up when in actual fact giving up is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s one of the hardest, bravest decisions one can make but it comes with a stigma. Only losers give up. Only losers quit. There’s nothing wrong with quitting, my friends. Sometimes quitting is empowering and necessary. So in the immortal words of someone on the internet, “Do you, booboo”.

And that is the end of my Thursday rant. Like I said, I’ve since gotten over my irritation. For now, I’m not giving up and who knows, I might just be next *rolls eyes*. But I’ve also decided to skip the last paragraph of every birth story and pregnancy announcement moving forward…

200

Oh, hello!

I’ve been following and commenting on everyone’s blogs and just last night realized that I haven’t updated my own blog despite wanting to be a more avid blogger this year. Oh well.

We’re very much back in the swing of things over here. I just finished 3 weeks of birth control pills and I’ve added in Lupron already. I think I’m on day 7 now. My first baseline is tomorrow and then we’ll see when to start estrogen.

If you’re wondering what the hell is going on, we’re doing the mock ERA test cycle right now. So no transfer anytime soon but we will be doing the painful biopsy around the second week of February… if January ever ends. What the hell with this month? Amiright?

I also had a follow-up appointment with my new RE on the 4th. We just went over this next cycle and my transfer cycle. If everything runs smoothly (pfft) we should transfer little Lucky early to mid April. It seems like a million years away but probably because January is being an asshole and just hanging around like an unwanted ex.

I will say that my RE seems very optimistic. He gave us 70-80% chance of success based on the fact that we’re switching to injectable progesterone instead of vaginal suppositories and the fact that we’re doing this ERA test. I don’t know how to take this optimism. Do I take it and run or do I squint my eyes untrustingly and say hmmm?

On good days I’m already planning maternity leave. On bad days … well, we all know how those days go.

So in IVF land we are simply chugging along. It will begin to get more exciting in the coming weeks.

My holiday back home was fantastic. Almost perfect. Almost because N couldn’t join me. He was working on a boat (Incidentally, the same boat he was working on in SA when we met) and a few days before we were due to leave the client needed N to stay and do more and more work. I don’t want to go over it again bringing those feelings back to the surface. But it sucked and we tried everything to get him there but in the end we weren’t able to. And I just want to say that N has to go to St. John next week to work on this damned boat again and it’s our anniversary next week. Isn’t it funny that the boat that brought us together is trying to pull us apart? I have to laugh because if I don’t… well.

But being with my family and friends was just what I needed. I realized how much I love being around children I love. And there were so many kids. I did a tally and we’re talking easily 20+ kids. So I was surrounded by children all.the.time. It was glorious. I love these kids. I love everything about them. The things they say, the way they laugh. I love how extremely loud they are. I love when my nephews come sit on my lap for no reason. I love when my niece lets me brush her hair. I love watching them fight with each other and seeing them share. I love watching them dance and swim. I love holding and dancing with the little ones and high-fiving the older ones. I love listening to their parents talk about them. I love hearing them shout “Mommy!” and “Daddy!”. I love watching my friends interact with their children. I just love them all to bits. It breaks my heart to be so far away from everyone and not see them grow up. Yes, when I was alone with my own thoughts I struggled a bit and Christmas was particularly difficult. I stayed in bed as long as I could and I missed most of the children opening presents because I missed my husband and hearing the laughter was cutting into my aching heart but other than that, being around the kids seemed to make everything okay.

Okay, to sign off for now (because I’ve just awoken the homesick monster), I want to leave you with a video and a song. The song is Sunshine by Tom Misch. He’s my new obsession. I tweeted at him recently and he liked my tweet and I completely fangirled for a few days lol. This song is one of his more upbeat IVF fitting ones. Hope you enjoy.

The video is my favourite from the holiday. Going home this time the plan was to surprise my eldest brother for his 40th. They did a roast for him so N and I sent in a video to wish him a happy birthday since we “weren’t going to be there”. The video is of me surprising him. Just ignore the inside jokes in the video.

Happy new year everyone! We’ll be just fine.

Out of Office

I’m currently on hour 3 of a 9 hour layover on my way to South Africa. 

Just wanted to wish everyone a super fantastic Christmas and if I don’t post when I get back then have a happy new year. 

It’s been a pretty shitty year for me. The shittiest in a long while and I am so glad to be seeing the back of it soon. But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy for all of you who have seen your wildest dreams come true this year. 

Despite it being a terrible year, as I’m sitting here now, I don’t feel bitter or angry. I’m excited for 2017, come what may. I know that im the past the odd years have been the shitty years but that theory has beem turned on its head lol. Anything is possible! Let’s get it on. I have cool new resolutions that won’t last until February but it’s something to look forward to. 

Next year will mark 4 years of ttc and 3 years of ivf. And it will also likely be our last year of trying. So high hopes going in already. 

Sorry if this is a rambling post. I haven’t slept well and trying to stay awake to get onto this time zone. 

This will probably be my last post for 2016 so please, everyone, take care of yourselves. Wherever you are in your journey, take care of yourself. 

I love each and every one of you. Thank you for entertaining my antics these past few blogging years. Thank you for rooting for us, praying for us, crying and laughing with us. Here’s to all of us this journey. 

Here’s to 2017 being THE year. 

Taking a Moment

Just thinking about my 3 little ones who didn’t pass PGD testing this week. I didn’t get full details but 2 were unbalanced (not sure which chromosomes) and 1 poor little baby was missing chromosome 22 and had and extra chromosome 19.

That’s a total of 7 embryos who likely wouldn’t have made it passed the first trimester had we transferred them without testing. I’m very grateful to have PGD testing to help avoid 7 potential early miscarriages but I am sad for them.

I’m sad but I’m so happy they were there. They each gave us renewed hope every single day they pushed through to make it to blastocysts.

They fought so hard and I’m so proud of them for trying.

It’s not lost on me that they were just balls of cells at that stage but they were ours. They were mine and I loved them.

I love them still.

Great News, Good News, Bad News

Great news: One embryo is normal! One perfect little potential baby. It was such a stressful day. The clinic called me three times today giving me a tiny heart attack each time. They were paper work calls but damn..IT! The last call I asked if I would hear about my kiddos today and she said yes. I told her that I was very nervous and she told me not to be. That really calmed me down. I don’t know whether or not she was privy to any information but the confidence in her voice made me feel calm. On the drive home I got a call from a Rhode Island number. It ended up being the RE so I’m glad I didn’t let it go to voicemail. He gave me the good news and briefly went over the plan for the ERA test which will start with my next period. Then we made with the pleasantries and his last words to me were “Lucky embryo number 12″… So that’s what I will name it… Lucky. It’s going to be a great Christmas!

Good news: We booked tickets to go to South Africa for Christmas! We’re set to leave next Thursday! I can’t wait to see my family and my friends. The best bit is my best friend is going to be there and I’m going to meet her sons for the first time. Her eldest is 3 and the newy is 4months ish. It’s going to be a good Christmas!

Bad news: N dropped a bomb on me that he can’t join me for the trip home. The job he’s doing currently is being delayed and we can’t afford to change his flight details. I am heartbroken. We’ve never spent Christmas apart and I really don’t want to do it. It’s going to be a bad Christmas…