October Favourites

October is done already??? I woke up to this message in my friends Whatsapp group the other day and had a mini panic attack.

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But I have a feeling this month will drag. Let’s see.

Anyway, on to this month’s favourites!

 

I only have one that has been sticking in my mind all month. We really haven’t been out at all and I haven’t had a chance to try anything new.

So… we’re a “meals in front of the tv” kind of family. Always have been. Even growing up, we only sat at the table as a family for Sunday lunch.

And it’s not without trying. We’ve tried meals at the table but it always falls by the way-side and we end up in front of the tv again. Whatever, maybe when little one starts solids we’ll move our way to the table again.

With the renovation, we have been working extremely hard on the weekends because N gets home too late during the week and I have no energy when I get home. And it’s just the 2 of us. Up at the ass crack of dawn until 5ish. It’s awful. But. I am loving it.

Every morning we lay in bed for a bit and complain a bit about how much this sucks. Then N gets up and gets dressed and feeds the cats. I lay for a bit longer but eventually I get up and make breakfast.

During breakfast we’ll chat about what needs to get done and we’ll talk and joke about little Lucky and generally just catch up. Then N ties my shoelaces for me ❤ and off we go. We pick a Spotify playlist (right now we’re on 90’s RnB) and while working we joke around about the music and other random stuff. It’s not all sunshine and roses though, the work part. My husband is a perfectionist and I am the opposite. He gets grumpy with me when I make mistakes on the dry wall cuts and stuff like that but I think for the most part we make a good team. If it wasn’t for his drill sargenty ways we wouldn’t get any of this done. And if it wasn’t for me being relatively calm and blasé about some things then we wouldn’t be married anymore :).

At lunch time we order take out because there’s no way I’m cooking during the weekends now. And I love me some take out!! We usually check our phones or Skype with my parents or just catch up and chat before that final push of the day.

By the end of the day we have just enough energy to take a shower and plop our asses on the couch for some binge tv series watching while N catches up on work. My poor guy has been working terribly hard. I’m so proud of him.

I was sending pictures of our progress to a friend and complaining about how rough it’s been but I also said that I’m loving our time together.

My favourite time and my definite October favourite is breakfast and lunch breaks when we’re just chatting. We’re a techy phone family so it’s nice to take a break and talk to each other. I feel like this reno has brought us closer together. You know how misery loves company ;). I’m finding out new things about him and vice versa. When there’s a song that triggers a memory then we’ll share stories about our past. Sometimes N will open up about things he hasn’t before. We have more inside jokes now. And I’m loving watching him say and do things with Lucky in mind. I know that he really wants everything done before he gets here but he also wants things done perfectly which is lovely to see. These lunch time catch ups are really my favourite part of this reno. We’re making great memories.

It’s been really really difficult job, but it’s coming along nicely. We have lights up (which I did myself, if anyone asks lol) and we’re almost done with the walls. After that it’s just mudding the dry wall and then floors and making the lights switches and outlets look pretty. We’re definitely NOT going to have the bathroom done. We don’t even know what we want it to look like yet. But it’s not a big deal. I think for this being a 2.5 man job we’re doing really well and I’m proud of us.

And as much as I hate the actual physical work, I love getting spend time with my husband just us two and I’m soaking it up because it’ll only be just us two for 4 more weekends (my parents land Dec 10th).

It’s not your ideal babymoon but when it’s all done it’s going to look great and it will have been a true labour of love and I’m really loving it.

Happy November everyone! I know the holidays are coming up and it’s a difficult time for most of us. I’ve always loved this time of year but it’s not been without it’s difficulties, of course. But I hope we’re all able to find at least one favourite thing for this upcoming month.

Thinking of all of you and sending all my love to whomever needs it.

xx

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When You Strike a Woman, You Strike a Rock

Seeing a baby bump when you have a child seems to stir up all kinds of feelings in mothers it seems. It’s lovely to see their faces light up as I wait for the excited hand clapping and barrage of questions and words of wisdom.

I read a lot forums of pregnant women complaining about the words of wisdom. “Just wait. You don’t know tired yet”… “Just get the epidural”… etc. I don’t mind it so much. Having gone through infertility I’ve learned to shrug off advice and comments that bug me. That and the fact that I’m actually in this new world is awesome. Yes please, tell me again how tired I am going to be and how painful birth is. The fact that you’re even talking to me about this stuff is awesome to me. Yes please.

The only comment that really gives me pause and makes me a little sad has been told to me by 3 older women with older children and grandchildren. And it’s a variation of this.

Oh, you’re having a boy! Boys are the best. I have both and my boys are my angels. My daughter is good too when she doesn’t have an attitude but oh *clutches chest and closes eyes* my boys. You’re so so lucky.

That’s a little offensive no? I mean, I’m a daughter, the woman speaking to me is a daughter. What did this daughter do to you?

I’ve spoken before about being excited and a little relieved to have a boy but also that I was sad about not having a girl because all the little girls in my life are such fire crackers and I just love all of them.

None of my friends/family who have little girls has ever said this to me. Little girls are magical and feisty and so so funny. Is it because they haven’t reached puberty yet?

I know for myself, my mom and I went through a very rough patch when I was between 16 and uhhh 25 (lol). I made life very difficult for her. Incidentally my eldest brother and her went through a rough patch, as well, that lasted a few years and I remember her and my middle brother having a few very serious arguments. I don’t think having a difficult teenager is based on gender.

I wonder why anyone would say that about their child to a stranger? Maybe they were having a bad day and their teenage daughter had just given them crap that morning? I wonder if my mother had ever said anything like that about me. I was really terrible though, so I guess maybe on day 3 of me not talking to her for whatever silly reason I’d made up that month she’d bumped into someone pregnant with a boy and felt relief for them in that moment. I guess that would make sense.

But I’m sure these women cherish their daughters, when push comes to shove. I’m sure they were just making small talk. Because lets be real – Girls are awesome, amirite?!

Especially with everything going on in the world right now wrt women’s rights and the various social media campaigns. I am in awe of what we’ve had to overcome as women and what we’re still having to overcome even in 2017!

I understand that teenage girls can sometimes not be easy and raising a strong willed girl can tire you out but that, to me, just says that she will be a strong woman and the reason you’re butting heads is because you’re strong willed as well. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned.

Anyway, just wanted to share that little story. I am over the moon to be bringing a boy into this world but I know that I have a duty to make sure that he is respectful to women, no matter who they are. He has to understand that women aren’t lesser. He should open doors and be a gentleman but also realise that women aren’t fragile creatures that need protection. And he will absolutely learn to keeps his hands to himself.

Phew, I can go on an on about this stuff but I’ll leave it at that.

Girls are awesome, that is all.

Happy Wednesday.

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Riding the Wave

Things have been… different since hitting the third trimester. It’s physically a bit more difficult but nothing I can’t handle and emotionally it’s been a bit taxing as well.

I always said that I would never complain if I was ever so lucky to be in this position and for the most part I think I’ve been okay. There have been days when I’ve been in tears wondering if I actually did deserve this miracle. I know most women would kill to be in my shoes and here I am crying silently on the toilet on day who-knows of violent constipation and painful gas.

I was in a bit of a state when I first noticed the hemorrhoids too. I thought I was doing so well but I guess I just drew the short straw on that one. And then a few days later I failed the 1 hour glucose test. That was a really low point for me. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.

I was given this incredible gift and I was ruining it. Am I not supposed to be glowing with pride every single day? The picture of joy?

I know I’m only human and I should really give myself some grace. I’ve had to dig deep these past few days. Thankfully this past weekend was a good weekend and I had to remind myself of the mantras. Just ride the wave. Cling to the good moments with all my might and give myself some grace on the bad days.

On Saturday I did the 3hr glucose test and in the 3hrs I was there I re-read blog posts and found birth stories and tried to remind myself that I wouldn’t change any of this for world. Not the constant night peeing. Not the fact that I can’t take a full breath anymore or that bending over is more effort than it’s worth.

Afterwards we had our baby shower (thrown by my amazing friend B and my mom in law – They are fantastic) and it was everything I needed. Seeing most of our family and friends in one room again was really re-energizing and wonderful. Everyone seemed to have a good time and I laughed… I really laughed a lot and it felt so good.

I listened to mom’s tell no sugar-coated birth stories and mom stories. I got advice on hemorrhoids and gestational diabetes. I got sympathetic nods and compliments on my small bump. I was told not to get up to say goodbye when guests left. I did but it was nice to be fawned over.

The food was good, the dessert was better (3 words, creme brulee cheesecake). The games were fun.

When we got home and snuggled under a blanket, too tired to make it through a late night movie, I breathed slowly through one of the painful cramps that started a couple of weeks ago and I smiled… and then I got up to pee… again.

I wonder if that’s why they throw baby showers. To remind women who are having a less than easy 3rd trimester that it’s all going to be awesome in the end.

 

Go With Your Gut

So I’ve decided on a hospital, finally. We’re going to stay with the current hospital and my current OB.

I consulted absolutely everyone and got really good feedback and ultimately I just had to go with my gut. Thanks everyone here who weighed in as well. It was really helpful.

I met with the midwife at the new hospital 2 weeks ago.  She was fantastic. Answered all of my questions satisfactorily. She did say that the 2 hospitals are under the same umbrella so policies will likely be the same. The c-section rate at my current hospital is higher though, 30% vs 20% at the new hospital.

As far as everything else is concerned, labouring and pushing in any position, using non-chemical induction methods before pitocin, etc. both providers were fine with. So it was really just up to who I felt most comfortable with and that was a no-brainer.

Granted, I’d only just met the midwife and she was really awesome, I just feel like I’m in really good hands with my OB. I felt that way from the minute we met.

Last night, at our doula meeting a couple and their chubby 5month old came to tell their birth story (my favourite part of the meetings). It started off how most of the doula assisted birth stories started. Soft lighting, affirmations everywhere, calm music, no pain meds. Up until 5cm where she stayed for several hours and no amount of re-positioning was working. Eventually they did an emergency c-section because her little one was stuck in her pelvis. I really enjoyed that story. Both parents seemed so content with how everything went even if it wasn’t to plan and she kept saying over and over for everyone to have a plan but keep an open mind because you can’t plan a birth. And yes yes everyone has been saying this but this birth story sounded similar to what I have in my head and ended with one of my fears but here they were, a healthy and very happy family. It was just what I needed to hear.

So I’m feeling good about this choice and I’m glad it’s not keeping me up at night anymore. I feel a bit more relaxed about how this is going to go.

I only have one more big fear which I’ll talk about once I can put my thoughts together.

 

 

September Favourites

Gonna try to revive these monthly posts!  I don’t have too many this month I think. Let’s dive right in. I’m also adding a non-favourites category because it’s necessary lol. Actually let me start with the unfavourite because these posts always put me in a good mood and I don’t want to ruin it at the end.

Unfavourite:
Cell phone wallet cover combo thing
Just one this month but it’s a daily annoyance. I love how these look. My friend has one and it looks nice and easy to use and she like it but it’s really just annoying to me. Mostly because I like to keep my phone out and near me but I don’t want to have my purse near me as well. So I thought this would be good because the phone cover part detaches but it’s just an ugly useless cover then. My screen isn’t protected (It’s already shattered a bit but that’s a different story) and when I take the two apart the purse/wallet just looks ugly. I keep them apart mostly and i’m not a fan of that set up but keeping them together annoys me as well because then I have to again, take my purse out to send a text. I don’t know. I just was expecting too much I think. And I have a lot of cards. A lot and not all of them fit in this damn wallet so I have to put them separately in my handbag and that’s just not on. Okay that’s enough bitching and moaning. I’m in the market for a new wallet now and a new phone cover. Ugh.
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Okay, on to the good stuff.

FAVOURITES!!

Wet Brush
You know I love my hair stuff. This is a brush my sister-in-law introduced me too. I didn’t expect much, goodness me, what a find. I took this picture late last night and didn’t feel like cleaning the brush so excuse the hair. Anyway, it’s a detangling brush so I’ve used it in the shower to distribute conditioner and I’ve used it out of the shower to help style. The bristles are so soft yet effective. It’s just a beautiful tool. I would say great for straight and curly hair. I paid $8 for it at Target. Love it!
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Cremo Shave Cream
Stumbled on this one in Walmart in March sometime. They didn’t have what I was looking for so I thought I’d try something new. The lady behind me in the queue saw it in my basket and would not shut up about how awesome it is. She was right. You don’t need a lot and it creates a slippery lather. I suffer from chronic ingrown hairs on my legs (FML) and I believe this is what has made a big difference. My legs are way less ingrowny now which is awesome. And remember I said I bought it back in March. The tube is probably only half way now. I think I paid $6 for it.20171001_171729

Dominos App
I had to hide this app on my phone because it is dangerous. I love it because it takes care of my two favourite things. Food and not having to interact with strangers. N and I do pizza at least once a month, I would say, and I love that it has our orders saved so I can just open the app and click maybe 5 times and food magically appears at my front door. Why isn’t everyone doing this? More apps like this please, universe. Thank you!
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Dunkin Donuts Hot Apple Cider

I’m sure there are better hot apple ciders out there. If you know of one please tell me but this is my benchmark for now. I like the cinnamon-y smell. Yummy.
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TV Shows
90 Day Fiance – I’m so ashamed to say I love this show. It is absolutely terrible but we are hooked. It follows couples using the the K-1 visa (fiance visa) to be together in the US. It’s completely sensational but it really keeps us entertained. Maybe because we’re also in green card marriage. There are a few series running at the same time so there is a lot of crazy. Ugh, don’t watch it. Stick to the bachelor or something.

Movies
IT – Movies have been pretty lately IMO. But I really enjoyed IT. It wasn’t terribly scary but it was a good monster movie. Two thumbs up for me.

Music
Daniel Caesar – My little cousin introduced me to him. He’s a Canadian singer who just came out with a new album (Freudian) that I’m obsessed with. It’s R&B mostly and his voice is like velvet and I just love him. Here are my 2 favourites from the album although it’s hard to choose

Calvin Harris – Feels
My friend reminded me about this one today. It will put you in a good mood. It’s great. Great for driving home from work on a Friday.

 

 

HAPPY OCTOBER FOLKS!

 

 

 

Double Digits

**Trigger Warning ** This is just a quick boring update on Lucky and the renovation but please take care if you feel like  this isn’t something you’d like to hear about. ❤

We’re currently 92 days from our due date. I was going to post this on 99 days but… life. I saw on a December babies forum someone was 100 days so I did a quick calculation and realized we were on 100 as well and had a tiny little panic attack because we are nowhere near done with our reno and time is clearly running out.

We’ve been lackadaisical the past few weeks because the deadline seemed far off but now we’re realising that time may not be on our side so when we were just working on weekends we’re going to have to pull some weekday shifts as well. In theory we don’t have much to do so we’ve made a schedule, here’s hoping we can stick to it.

Our house is teeny tiny and old, as I’ve mentioned, and our reno consists of us creating a master bedroom and ensuite bathroom out of a shell of an attic. We installed a dormer up there to increase space but right now the entire room is gutted except for the walls for the bathroom and mini built in closet.

We’ve started the wiring but we need to finish it and have the inspector come check it out. After that it’ll be putting in insulation. Then we have to do the walls and ceiling then fully finish the wiring with the outlets and lights etc. At some point the inspector has to come check again. After that we’ll mud and paint the walls and ceiling and see about trim. Maybe we won’t need it. Then lastly we’ll install the wood floors. While this is happening the plumber has to come and fix a few pipes. Once he’s done we’ll move into the bathroom. I’m not too worried about this since we have a working one downstairs but it would pretty awesome to get it done before my parents come.

When you write it down it seem quick quick but let’s see how it goes. If we can get done by November life will be good. I hope to be of some use during that time.

 

Scroll a bit for baby news if you’re interested.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everything that’s been going on is completely different to what I expected. I’ve been extremely lucky to have a very smooth 2nd trimester. Yes there’s heartburn and yes I’m struggling to sleep some nights but the heartburn is something I’ve struggled with all my life it seems and the sleeping is not that bad yet. I find I’ll a bad night every second night and the good nights I’m so exhausted I fall right asleep as my head hits the pillow and that amounts to feeling well rested the next day. I’m told it does get worse though so I’m not resting on my laurels.

I have officially stopped wearing underwire bras. I don’t know why I was suffering for so long. I should have stopped ages ago. My pants still fit but I have a feeling that won’t be for much longer based on my struggle this morning in the bathroom.

I will say that things are getting a bit uncomfortable and I find that I can’t sit in one position for very long. This is making the commute home a little challenging. Right now my car seat is positioned completely straight up but it’s still not the best. I tend to move it back and forth a few times while driving. That coupled with leaning to my left then right every 15 minutes is just how I live now. If anyone has tips on what’s a comfortable position to drive in, please help. Should I be getting an exercise ball for work do you think? My job is quite sedentary so I have to remind myself to go for a walk at least twice a day or it just starts to ache all over and it feels like I’ve been doing crazy ab workouts all day.

As for little Lucky. He seems to be pretty happy in there. I did start to feel what I believe are hiccups and it absolutely is my favourite right now. I can see the kicks from the outside but N has yet to see it. He’s felt a few kicks but Lucky gets shy when you put your hand where he’s kicking. I can’t wait to tell which body part is doing the kicking. Sometimes I do worry if he’s kicking for fun or because he wants me to move because he’s uncomfortable. I think that’s part of why I keep changing positions too. It’s probably silly but I worry if I’m squishing him of it there’s an arm or a leg trapped somewhere.

We haven’t had many appointments with our OB. Going to see her again early October, after which we’ll move to bi-weekly appointments. I’m not sure if there’ll be anymore scans though.

But we’ve seen our doula quite a bit. She teaches a gentle birth class which uses hypnobirthing techniques. We finished that course last week and it was pretty cool. They also have a mobile app with mindfulness, affirmation and hypnosis tracks that we have to listen to. We have to save our favourite ones to use during labour. We’re slowly working our way through the list. Slowly. We listen to the hypnosis at night and I listen to the others during the day when I can. The hypnosis isn’t that easy to get into. I’m too in my head I think. That, and the lady has an Irish accent and she says the word “calm” strangely and it sends N and I into a fit of giggles every time. But we’ll keep trying.

The doula also has bi-weekly prenatal group classes with all of her and her team’s clients. It’s nice to get to interact with other couples and talk about some fears. It’s been going well. I’m glad we chose her.

I am having a bit of trouble. I feel like I know which way I’m going to go but maybe you could weigh and let me know what you think. After talking to the doula a few times, she stated that she didn’t have a good experience at our hospital the one birth she had there. She operates in Rhode Island so doesn’t come to Mass often but when she does she goes to another hospital which she is in love with. We decided to check the other hospital out just because it couldn’t hurt. It was absolutely beautiful! Brand new and the rooms were huuuge. And another bonus was that they had a tub. Something my current hospital doesn’t have but something that I would really love to have access to.

So now I’m torn between the two because they both have pros and cons. Here’s the list of pros and cons.

Hospital 1 (our current hospital):
Pro’s
15 minute drive from home
We love our OB but she only delivers here. But we may not get her anyway because they rotate.
Pretty much everyone we know gave birth at this hospital and have only good things to say about it.
Con’s
One of the OB’s who I complained about in a previous post is in this rotation and I would hate for her to deliver my child. I don’t want her near me.
No tub
The postpartum room is oh so tiny. I know it’s not a big deal but it’s really really small. Barely enough room for partners to sleep in.

Hospital 2:
Pro’s
It’s so big and pretty and new
They have a tub (Big selling point for me)
Doula recommended
The same nurse took us on a tour at both hospitals and she recommended hospital 2. She works at both.
Con’s
We would need to find a new OB who’s in rotation at this hospital (really don’t want to do this)
It’s a 45 minute drive from home (boo)

Now this is only round 1 of the pros and cons list. The biggest deciding factor would be whether or not the hospital/doctor’s policies are in line with how we want the birth to go. I plan to find out from my current OB at our next appointment. And I’ve just made an appointment with a midwife at hospital 2 for next Thursday to see how she will do things.

I just need to know where they stand on inducing and episiotomies and things of that sort. My next update will be on their responses and I’ll have to decide what are deal breakers.

Right now I’m leaning towards staying with my OB and current hospital because it’s so close to home and I love my OB but that being said I really don’t know how she approaches each birth and she may not have the same thoughts as we do.

Part of me is frustrated that I’ve put myself in this situation.  I was content not being presented with choice. It never occurred to me to be open to different hospitals etc. I would be happy if someone told me what to do. I even asked N to choose and he flat out refused. He’s afraid he’ll choose one that we end up hating and that he’ll be blamed. But he’s insistent that we do our due diligence and he’s going along to the appointments to ask questions. So he’s involved but he’s reluctant to make a choice for me which is enough for me right now.

So that’s where we’re at right now. I can’t believe this is going by so quickly. I am still in awe of everything. Not everyday is easy but, as they say, everyday is so worth it.

 

 

Am I Okay Now?

This is the post where, if you’re fortunate enough to be carrying a child after infertility, you reflect on whether or not pregnancy announcements or pregnant bellies still send you into a downward spiral of despair. Everyone’s experience is different but I think the short answer to “Are you okay now?” is “kind of”. Yes it can be a lot easier to bounce back but it’s still a painful reminder of what you’re not able to do spontaneously.

For me, in particular, all the announcements I’ve experienced since my own are for second babies and the reminder that a second baby for us being highly unlikely is something I’m not ready to think about yet and seeing second or third pregnancy announcements forces my head into that space for a short while.

The one thing I’m especially not proud of is in my infertility group on FB. The one I spoke about where the ladies weren’t vibing for a while. I’d mentioned that everyone in that group had a baby already while I was still waiting and I’d started to feel out of touch with them. We’re a year or so on and they’re all either pregnant with number 2, trying for baby number 2 or have had baby number 2 and are trying for number 3. I should be ecstatic for them. But most times when I see their positive tests it just makes me feel how I felt when I was seeing their first positive tests and I had nothing.

The good thing about all this is that the bounce back is incredibly quick. I remember feeling despair for at least a full day but lately it’s just a quick pang. Maybe 20 minutes of me feeling very sorry for myself and then it’s over and I can move on. Lucky Bean is very active lately and when I’m down he’s very good at giving me quick taps to remind me that everything is okay and I love him for it.

I don’t know if this makes me sound ungrateful. This is obviously not the case. I don’t know how to rationalize these feelings. I think it’s just that when I’ve lived my entire life planning a big family. Then getting older and just wanting 3 or 4 kids. Then eventually finding myself struggling to have a child and just hoping for the opportunity to maybe have 2 to eventually having that dream half way realised. I now find myself in transition again to being content with just one child. Each time you have to mourn the loss of those dreams and it just takes a while to get to a place where you’re okay with it.

I know the future isn’t set in stone. I might still get that opportunity. I’m just sharing where I’m at today in this journey to motherhood.

All that being said, there have been 5 pregnancy announcements (3 within the same month) that would have knocked me off my feet and destroyed me if they’d happened a few months ago. But thanks to my awesome doctor and nurses I’m able to smile and feel real joy in the wake of pregnancy news and that feeling is something I am absolutely grateful for.

So while I’m not 100% okay now, perhaps when I have him in my arms I will be even more okay. Or if the universe is really kind I could be 100% okay.