Well my quarantine journey has finally come to an end. We’re going to be going back to work in phases. Our team is going in once a week separately. I’m on Monday’s so next week will be day 1. I’m excited and indignant at the same time. I feel like it’s too soon but on the other hand I need to get out of the house. I don’t think I’ll be seeing anyone while at work so that’s okay. There won’t be students or teachers and each admin department is using this staggered phased approach. It sounds like there’ll maybe be 20-50 people in the entire school at the same time. I sit in the basement alone and no one ever comes in there so if I just don’t move for 8hrs I should be okay lol.

And the midwife has given the all clear to go back to work as well. She said based on how isolated I’ll be she doesn’t see a big risk. She mentioned that they’re recommending P women leave work at 37 weeks and 28 weeks if they’re high risk. I know I fall into the geriatric bucket (rolls eyes) but I don’t think I’m that high of a risk. Hopefully, my office will allow me to wfh from 37 weeks until maternity leave starts. But let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.

I’m indignant and sad because I don’t think daycares will be open next week and word on the street is that if I don’t have someone to watch Lucky, I have to use leave days or perhaps unpaid days. Which doesn’t make sense to me because I could just work from home. We have a meeting with HR on Friday to iron out details and rules but it just doesn’t sit right with me. Lucky will be going to his gran. She’s not immuno-compromised as far as we know but she’s in the high risk group, age wise, for sure so I’m worried about me potentially bringing something home to her but hopefully, me not seeing anyone at work will be okay. I just wish that they’d given us the option to come in or continue to work from home. I understand that we have to learn to live with this virus for now but I think I would have felt better about going in perhaps in July. After this past long weekend, especially, since everyone forgot that there was a pandemic going on.

Anyway, let’s see what the meeting on Friday brings. I’ve already resolved to go back but I am salty about it.

So, about parenting during a pandemic… It’s rough! Lucky is 2yrs 5 months now and it’s been challenging being with him 24/7. God, that sounds like the worst possible thing to say on this blog. But it’s true. In the moments that I’m not getting increasingly frustrated with him, I’m feeling guilty that I’m not giving him everything he needs. A few weeks ago he started throwing real life tantrums. I thought he did them before but wow. Wow! We went through a stint of about 2-3 tantrums a day. And he was getting violent as well. I don’t know what changed. The tantrums have tapered off to about 1 a day and he’s hasn’t thrown anything at my face (knock on wood) in a while but he’s still defiant. I think that’s just a 2yr old’s way though. He doesn’t listen to us at all. His answer to everything is a resounding “No”. He’s just so naughty.

I think he just wants more attention though. Because when he does something we’ve told him repeatedly not to, he gets a rise out of us. And I think he just wants us to pay attention to him even if it’s yelling. So I’ve resolved to give myself more breaks during the work day and to stop yelling. It makes my day longer because I have to make up the hours in the evening but it seems to be working. Every hour, I stop working and check in with him and we play a quick game. It broke my heart once because while we were building a lego house he said “Mom, I’m happy”. I’ve also increased hugs and kisses a million fold, rewarding good behaviour and generally spoiling him as often as I can.

Finding that balance is hard. But I decided that work can actually take a back burner here. I may not be teaching him how to read or write and we naively wanted to start potty training but potty training can fuck right off and I’m seeing to it that his well-being needs are being met.

So it’s been really difficult but we’re surviving. I just had to shift my expectations. It’s still difficult. When I tell you I get no breaks from him, I mean it. Not even weekends because N is working on our bathroom. His dad takes over on weekend mornings to give him breakfast and it’s glorious but the only other breaks I get are when I’m cooking and we all know that’s not a break.

My saving grace is that I’m feeling human again. I get dizzy sometimes when I get hungry and I’ve not been eating as much as I should. I tend to vacillate between being starving and having no appetite and I can’t find a good middle ground. With Lucky I only wanted sweet food so I knew what to eat but now nothing seems appetizing. Especially meat. But at least I’m finishing 80% of all my meals. That’s a win.

I’ve also started feeling movement on the outside. I don’t remember it being this soon with Lucky (18 weeks this past Saturday). And one of the main things pushing me to eat is that the food wakes him up and I can feel loads of kicks after eating.

My level 2 ultrasound is on June 8th. I thought I was okay but the closer it gets the more scared I get. We were too late to do a proper NT scan and we only did the NIPT blood test last week so I won’t get results until the level 2 anyway. I know he’s a PGD normal little guy but I’m still scared as hell. What if they mistook his balanced translocation for unbalanced? I’m sure it will be okay, but what if.

Anyway, I think I’ll leave it there for now. We’re right on time for another cuddle session then I have to start cooking and then we get to do it all over again!

If you’re struggling during this time, you’re not alone. Even Jenny Perfect on Facebook who’s doing crafts with her kids and gardening and fixing her house up. She’s fucking struggling too. My guess is she’s so busy because if she sits still for a second, her thoughts will consume her and she won’t get out of bed. You’re doing great. Whatever you’re dong. Even if you are Jenny Perfect and you just came in from gardening, your garden looks amazing and you’re amazing. But if you’re like me and haven’t washed your hair in a long ass time, you’ll get no judgement here. Rock that messy bun girl. You deserve ice cream :). We all deserve ice cream.

Love you guys,
Hang in there.

Random Distraction Post 1

Something terrible happened.

Someone I know has been arrest for sexual assault. Someone who treated me as a patient for some time.

I saw him regularly in 2014 and 2015 and then a sporadically as time continued on. But I had just been back to him 2 weeks ago for something. My friend told me about the news because his name popped up on an FB group with police asking for more victims to come forward. The story also came on the news. He is currently being held without bail until his trial.

I am firmly in the “believe women” camp. As someone who has ample experience with abusive men, I know why women stay quiet and I furiously applaud the strength it takes to come forward.

But this shook me. This man is the complete opposite of what mainstream media will have us believe is a rapist. He’s an old man (a bit younger than my father). A soft spoken, kind man. He’s English isn’t good. He remembers my entire family and asks after them every time I’m there. He’s a good doctor.

Apparently the assault took place at his practice. I thought of the building. His tiny little practice where his mild mannered wife worked the front desk. I thought of how friendly and inviting they were and how safe I always felt.

But I thought of how closed off it is. A basement office with no windows. Only one way to escape. I thought that he may be old but he’s quite tall and steady. While he’s always gentle I’m sure he could overpower me if he wanted to. I was often the only patient there. I never feared for my safety but I wonder if that is naive.

I’m sad that this is happening but if he’s guilty I hope he never sees the light of day.

Now that I have a son, I often wonder what would happen if he was accused and/or arrested for sexual assault. I have a distant friend who’s son is serving a whole lot of time for child pornography. It is clear that she still loves her son as she is fighting to get mandatory minimums reduced for first time offenders but when he was going through his trial she posted a lot about coming to terms with her new reality. It was painful and eye opening to witness.

I don’t doubt my ability to raise a son to not be a rapist. I don’t doubt my ability to raise a boy to not be a misogynist. But what if I do everything right and he still fucks up. What if?

2019 Wrap Up

Well I survived the holidays and I’m relatively back in the swing of things. I had a bout of homesickness and a wave of irritation and I think I’ve reset my body to where it was before we left, where I have that constant feeling that I’ve forgotten something important. Not to worry, it’s a state of being that I’ve come to terms with and one that I keep promising myself, I’ll sort out when the weekend comes.

The trip was magnificent as usual. Having Lucky meet his cousins and uncles and aunts and all his baby friends and my friends was… I don’t think I can articulate that feeling. We had his 2nd birthday party there. Again, I am speechless. I’d say it was like a warm shower/bath after coming in from being out in icy rain. Like everything is right with the world. I had thought that this feeling would make it impossible to leave but Lucky kept us so occupied on the flight that I barely had time to get depressed. The only down side was that Lucky got pneumonia a few days before we left. It was the worst but he was thankfully well enough to fly. He also got another upper respiratory infection while we were there. My nephew and nieces also all had some sort of infection. It was awful. But we all survived.

Let’s see if I can quickly break the holiday down, for posterity :). Feel free to skip over. Important thoughts are at the end.

Saturday 14th: Land in Cape Town at 7am. Try to stay awake and catch up with everyone but fail miserably. Some friends come to visit but mostly just resting and family time.

Sunday 15th: Everyone comes to visit for lunch. My bestie from Switzerland comes over as well and she and I stay up drinking and catching up until 4am.

Monday 16th: My brother, N and I go to a shooting range of N’s Christmas present. I’ll take this opportunity to say that I hate guns. They make me very uncomfortable and hence, I am the best wife there ever was. He shot a few rounds of different killing machines and then the 3 of us each did one round with a 50cal cannon. It was frightening and I’ll happily never do that again. But N was happy and that makes me happy.

Tuesday 17th: Spent the afternoon with my parents at various wine farms and then had a lovely dinner and visit at my friend V’s house. She’s one of my staunchest IVF supporters so I was really excited to have her meet Lucky and her second son was born just before I got pregnant and it was a dream come true to see them fight with each other play together.

Wednesday 18th: Lucky’s 2nd birthday. A much needed rest day. We just did a cake and some lunch at home.

Thursday 19th: Last day in Cape Town. My bestie L and I got matching musical note tattoo’s. Yay! We umm’d and ahh’d about it for a few days because of the price but ended up just peeing into the wind. I’m glad we did. I love her. Big pre-christmas dinner at home with friends. My other bestie flew in from Jo’burg. We stayed up late having drinks. I wish we’d gone out that night but we had to be up at 4am for the road trip. We also did a secret santa swap with a few friends and kids.

Friday 20th: My brother and SIL and niece and nephews and my parents and the three of us drove (7+hrs) to Port Elizabeth (my home town) for the 2nd half of the trip. Arrive safely to my eldest brother’s house and rest.

Saturday 21st: My nephew T’s blessing. All our friends are there. It was lovely seeing everyone. Lots of drinking and catching up. That night we did a ladies night. All of us went to a club for a 90’s party.  The best! I think we got home around 1ish?

Sunday 22nd: Lucky’s birthday party! We had a jumping castle (bouncy house) a little bike track where kids could ride their bikes and a jungle gym. It was outdoors and it was a beautiful, cloudless, breezy day. We had a little dinosaur egg hunt for the kiddos, ate some food, sang happy birthday, fought off ants and caught up with each other. The food was good (ish). Everyone had a blast (I hope). I certainly did. I saw everyone I’d hoped to see. It was just perfect.

Monday 23rd: I took Lucky and N to the beach front so we could walk on the pier and grab some lunch and spend a little bit of time just the 3 of us. I think this was the time when I felt the most in love home and when I realised how difficult it would be to say goodbye this time around.

Tuesday 24th: Christmas Eve. My family (parents, brothers, wives, kids) went to a restaurant for quick lunch. It turned out to be the best bit of family time. We usually all go to midnight mass but I had an interesting discussion with my mother about where she, a ‘staunch’ Christian, stands with the church now. Long story short, I didn’t have to go to midnight mass and she almost opted out too because she was tired lol. We went to our friends’ annual stoep party (stoop party). Met up with some other friends I wouldn’t have otherwise seen. Lucky stayed with my dad. We stayed pretty late, I think we got home around 2am. Another one of the best nights.

Wednesday 25th: Christmas. We had lunch at home. Again, just our family and a little bit of extended family. Guys, I love Christmas. I love it!! I got a picture of Lucky and all his cousins and I almost exploded right then and there. After lunch all the married ones went to visit their in-laws. My cousins came to visit and one brought her fiance who is lovely. Then afterwards we all went to my SIL’s sister’s house to do another secret santa in our friends group and the kids again. And then just hung out for a while. This was the best and worst night because Christmas! but also because it was ending soon.

Thursday 26th: In retaliation for ladies night, the boys did a boys day. Us ladies decided to spend the day at L’s house with the kids to swim and have our tequila prawn day. This is something I started years ago with my friend S. We just bought a bottle of tequila and a kilogram of prawns and ate and got drunk. It evolved into something that I do every time I visit. There’s not much else to it than that, except now with the kids we couldn’t get blackout drunk. And this time instead of shots of tequila we made grown up margaritas that were sipped them responsibly. We ended up leaving around 9pm to fetch the boys.

Friday 27th: Last day :(. 6 of us in the girls group went to get another group tattoo. We all got the Friends logo on our forearms. This is what my friend L wrote about it, in case you’re wondering why we would get a tattoo about a tv show, which I believe is problematic now, depending on how woke you are.


Afterwards, we all went to lunch and then N and I had to rush home so we said a very teary goodbye to everyone at the restaurant. At home my brothers and their families were there to say goodbye as well. I’m getting teary just thinking about it. My parents drove us back to Cape Town and we slept over half way in Mosselbay at my parents’ holiday house. Amidst my sadness I was reveling in getting spend another day or so with just my parents.

Saturday 28th: We made it to Cape Town around lunchtime. Enough time to pack and buy a few more last minute gifts and food items for home. We had lunch with my parents at the airport and at 3pm and said our final goodbyes. It was teary but I think I held it together okay. The flight back home was uneventful and we made it back into our warm house at 5pm on Sunday the 29th.

It was perfect.

I do have one regret though. Just one.

One of my close friends back home is going through some fertility struggles. They’ll be embarking on a second IUI soon. And I deeply regret not engaging with her properly about it. We’ve spoken briefly about it on group chats and I reached out once or twice privately to let her know that I was around if she wanted to talk. But further than that I didn’t know what else to say. How is that possible? And I wish I could say I never had alone time with her but there were opportunities. I could’ve asked how she was holding up and if she wanted to vent. If I’m being honest with myself it’s because it was too hard for me to be face to face with infertility, I think. This is the first person who’s close to me who I know and saw in real life who can relate and I felt extra fragile around her like everything I’d had neatly locked away was coming to the surface. One of the nights she touched my pineapple necklace. As soon as she mentioned it my eyes started prickling with tears and I quickly changed the subject. I changed the subject! This was probably her moment where she wanted to talk and I couldn’t do it. I froze and I choked and I couldn’t be there for her. What. The. Fuck. The truth is every time I saw her I wanted to cry with her and hold her and but I felt like I needed to be strong for her and since I have Lucky, it wasn’t my turn to cry and be sad. It’s my turn to be supportive and strong.

I don’t know. I feel like I owe her an apology. This isn’t about me, it’s about her journey now and I know how isolating it can be and I don’t want that for her. I need to fix it. About the necklace. I had wanted to buy her one and take it with me but I ran out of time and, I think subconsciously I couldn’t do it because I knew I would break down if I gave it to her. On our last day when we were getting our tattoos, while she was getting hers I quickly ran away with another friend to look for a pineapple charm somewhere but couldn’t find one anywhere. I have bought her one now in addition to a few other things in a care package that I’m going to send her with a note (or a letter) with my feelings expressed a little better. Maybe I should just link her to this blog too. I just want her to know that I love her and I get it and I’m here.

Infertility sucks y’all. But you already know that.

I hope you all had a good Christmas and New year. I hope 2020 is going to make all our dreams come true. and I want you all to know that I love you and I get it an I’m here.

I’m too tired to re-read and check this for errors. So good luck reading :).



That was quite a break huh? A gazillion things have happened in my life since I last checked in and promised that I wouldn’t check out.

First and most importantly, I became a US citizen! I really should have blogged about this while it was happening. I actually spend most nights thinking, I should blog about this, about everything.

I put my application in for citizenship mid April and really didn’t expect to go through the process that quickly. My interview was the day after my 37th birthday in August. It wasn’t a requirement but I brought N and Lucky with to the interview for brownie points.

The interviewer was a tiny young lady who was really sweet. The interview itself was an absolute breeze. I answered all of the questions correctly but don’t remember which were asked (I really should have blogged about this). She literally only asked me to confirm what was on my application. I then signed a few things and that was that.

The ceremony was the day that school started. One of the most important days for me at my job so I was happy but stressed that I couldn’t be there. The ceremony invitation clearly stated that I could only bring one guest which was such a bummer because my friends and US family wanted to be there and I wanted them to be there. And it was even more of a bummer when N and I got to the venue and all the other new citizens brought loads of guests and so many babies. I was so sad. Anyway, the ceremony was long. No, the actual ceremony was 15 minutes. Waiting for the judge?… TWO HOURS!!!

They funneled all of us into the huge hall while our guests sat upstairs in the gallery. It took about an hour to get everyone settled in. They kept coming up to make announcements and tell us to chat to each other. I sat next to a Russian (I think) couple who were chatting to themselves and a younger lady who was not at all interested in making friends. So I just sat on my phone and listened to conversations around me. One man from Israel who had been here for years but thought it was time, chatting to his new friend who couldn’t get a word in edgewise. And another lady yelling on the phone to her colleague that she didn’t know they would be taking her green card so she would likely not be able to take that business trip to Australia.

Almost 2 hours later right before the judge came in the couple next to me peaced out. I have no idea why, I assumed to go the bathroom but they never came back. So they didn’t do the pledge and I never saw them again so I don’t know if they got their certificate. I wonder about them sometimes.

After I got the official documents we grabbed lunch at a chinese buffet then rushed home. N had to get back to work and Lucky and I just spent the rest of the day hanging out. Sort of anti-climactic. No fireworks or parades. Just me and my boy watching reality tv. You know, living the American dream.

But truth be told this journey to become a citizen is something else. I’m fortunate, in that I get to retain my SA citizenship which I absolutely did and even then I found it very difficult to surrender that part of my identity. A part of me felt like I was turning my back on my country and with that came a lot of other emotions so I was dragging my feet for a very long time. But with this current administration’s view on immigration, legal and illegal, my parents finally put their foot down and decided to pay for my application and they all but stood over me with their hands of their hips while I filled out the application.

Now that it’s over and done with I am glad that they did. It still feels weird. But good weird. I was very excited to vote this past Tuesday. I loved the process of registering. I loved stressing for weeks that my registration didn’t appear until a few days before voting day. I loved filling out the ballot and feeding it into the machine. I love the old volunteers gushing over Lucky and saying “congratulations, you voted”.

I love that I get to experience these things for the first time. And then this morning I got word that I get to experience something else as a new citizen and I am beside myself. N laughed at me but I can’t wait.

WhatsApp Image 2018-11-09 at 7.59.39 AM_LI


I’m not very religious. We’re going through some stuff now. Jesus and I. I’ll cover that another time but for now just know that that’s where I stand.

I was raised in the church, though. Baptized, confirmed, Sunday school, etc. And my mom is still very much in the church. She’s the only reason I still have my toe in the Christianity pool. But I digress.

Every morning I drive by a Church that has one of those signs outside. Not saying when the next service is. It usually says something inspirational or thoughtful. Sometimes they’re random and I can’t use any of it but sometimes somehow when I’m in the most turmoil I’ll get a sign that speaks to me specifically and really helps me.

During the course of these last 4 cycles (The first cycle I was at my old job on a different route) I’ve actually come to rely on this sign and it feels really good when it has something that I can use to get me through whatever it is I need to get through.

Honestly I can’t remember the ones that stuck out to me over the years but on the day of my beta I drove up to the clinic in a complete daze. Teary eyed and stressed out and I wasn’t even thinking of the sign and when I saw it, it was exactly what I needed to see. Nothing original, just simple and it helped me so much. I felt so much better and calmer after that. It was like it was saying, “Don’t worry fam, I got you”.

I saw it everyday up until last Thursday with our ultrasound. It’s like they changed it right when I didn’t need it anymore. The message that’s on it now doesn’t really pertain to me. I’m going to go ahead and say it’s up there for someone else who might need it.

I’ll leave the message here for anyone who might need it.

Happy Tuesday friends.


Story Time: Worst Date Ever


I don’t know why but I was thinking about this chap the other day and I decided to write about my worst date ever since it’s Friday and we could all do with a little distraction after yesterday’s news. Please know that no one was harmed in this story but we’ll change the names of parties involved to respect their privacy. Please also note that traffic laws in South Africa are very different to here and had this played out in America the story would have ended with a lot more arrests and definite jail time. It would be better if you read this with an open mind.

So I was, for lack of a better description, newly single and ready to mingle when I moved to Cape Town from Johannesburg. Excited to dip my toes in the dating pool. I went with my friends to a club one Saturday night where I met a cute but somewhat dim barman. Joe.

We flirted for most of the night and when it was time to leave we swapped numbers. We subsequently texted back and forth for a few days and eventually decided to go on a date the following Saturday. Nothing serious. Just pizza.

At around 7 on the night in question he picked me up in his red Fiat Uno. He was sweet. He even opened the car door for me.

Conversation at the pizza place was fine. He was very chatty, a little braggy and he knew the servers at the place so he was talking to them mostly and introducing me. He did seem fidgety though but I just chalked it up to first date jitters. I decided to get some tequilas to maybe help us rekindle to easy flirtiness from the previous weekend. Once our inhibitions were a bit lowered I learned that he had a little child and that he and the mother had a terrible break up. I don’t think he was over the break up. He didn’t have much nice to say about her and mentioned that the relationship is strained and that made seeing his child difficult. I sympathized but I checked out. The relationship I had just gotten out of was with a fellow who had a child and I really had no interest in baby daddy drama again. So I figured we’ll just have some fun tonight and keep it moving. In hindsight, I should have just had him take me home at that point.

After we finished the pizza we decided to move to another pub in my hood to be in my comfort zone. On the drive over he casually mentioned that his ex actually worked at the pizza place we just left but she wasn’t working that night. He seemed disappointed. So he took me there for what? To be a pawn in some game? Hmm.

I was a little aggravated and decided to text my friend at the next spot to come save me if need be. I also decided that we should get drunk because fuck it. Please note at this stage we’d only had 2 tequilas each. At the new place I ordered two jager’s and a beer for myself and we talked some more. He was loose jawed at this stage and was more free with information on this previous relationship that I had no interest in hearing about but was ultimately subjected to anyway. I ordered another round of jagers and it was like a light switch. He.was.trashed. After four shots? Really? While heavily slurring he proceeded to tell me that things were bad with his ex because he did something bad. I don’t remember details but there was an altercation with someone (perhaps a new love interest with the ex? I can’t remember) and he ended spending time in jail for assault. Like maximum security prison. Well, that was a first for me. He also told me that now that he’s out he was actively trying to make the right choices. He got a job. He scrounged and hustled to buy the car so that he can see his child more often and be a better father. While he was telling me about his time in jail and his new lease on life I was furiously texting my friend, Lexi, for a bail out. Incidentally, she was just down the road at another pub on a date as well. Thank goodness.

I told him to let’s pack it up and move on. Again, I should have left him there and left but he was quite drunk and it didn’t feel right. Stupidly, I let him drive down the road to where my friend was. Luckily, it was literally one block down but he was in no shape to be driving.

At the next place he had become that annoying drunk. No personal space and just whining and apologizing for being so drunk and trying to dance. Four shots guys. I was incensed. Lexi just laughed. We stayed a while longer and he ended up passing out in a booth. Lexi told me she and her date we going to another bar. I wanted to go with them but Drunky McDrunkerson wasn’t going to make that possible. I had to leave.  I grabbed his keys and managed to get him up and buddy walked him out of the bar and tossed him into the car. Four shots.

I realized that there is no way this guy could get himself home and there was no way I was going to let him stay at my place. I decided I would leave him in the car outside of my house and leave him a message on his phone.

As I was driving mister opens the door and starts violently throwing up out of the car. I quickly pulled over and wondered how this date could possibly get any worse. Ha.

I’ll stop here for a second to give some insight on traffic laws in South Africa. In SA we have a high rate of smash and grabs and carjackings. A smash and grab is when you’re sitting a traffic light and someone smashes your window (driver or passenger side) and steals whatever they can really quickly and runs away. Chances are you’ll be stuck in traffic and can’t really run or drive after a thief. So the rule is 1. That you never leave anything important in sight and you never talk on your phone at red light and 2. At night, if you don’t feel safe at a red traffic light, it’s okay for you run the light, essentially. Obviously you have to make sure it’s clear but you generally wouldn’t get into trouble if you were caught doing this. It’s common practice.

It was around 1 or 2am and Joe had emptied his tummy and was now fully reclined in the passenger seat in snooze town. Off we went. We came to a red light and there was a car behind me. I did the necessary checks to make sure the coast was clear and proceeded to drive through the red light.

Out of nowhere a small white ford pickup truck comes plowing up the hill from the left and slams into the front of the Uno. Hard. It happened in slow motion. The car spun around for what felt like hours. I vividly remember screaming and grabbing Joe’s shirt by the chest and looking over at his peaceful sleeping body. We finally came to a stop in the middle of the intersection. I gathered myself a bit and started panicking. I shook Joe with all my might but he was dead to the world. I was yelling at him to wake up. How is it possible that he slept through that?

There was a knock on my door. It was the driver of the ford. A youngster. He too, was panicky. He asked if I was okay. I was. I asked the same of him and he was too. He opened the door for me but I was still trying to wake this punk up. Eventually, he started stirring and grudgingly open his eyes and sat up.

I was like “Dude, we were in a car accident. Are you okay?”. He started moaning. Not because he was hurt but because his car was trashed. Can you imaging waking up to that out of a drunken stupor? I didn’t have time to feel terrible just yet because I was still a bit confused. I looked over at the ford. It was ruined as well. It came to a standstill at the opposite end of intersection, the front left wheel completely bent. The young chap was on the phone with, I assumed, the authorities.

Joe and I got out of the car and my knee started throbbing. We checked each other out but we were, for all intents and purposes, okay. The lady in the car behind us was in hysterics though. Her husband was on the phone with the police and he had us sit on the curb. She was shouting incoherently about how that guy came out of nowhere but why did I drive through the red light.

I found my phone and called, Lexi. She came right as the cops came. At this point Joe was distraught. I remember him standing over the wreck with his head in his hands then pacing up and down muttering to himself. I started to feel really awful. Poor guy. first his girlfriend breaks up with him, then he goes to jail and when he gets out a strange girl wrecks his car.

2 police officers came. They were mulling over the wreckage and speaking to hysterical wife. For what reason I have no idea. I think she took over the situation. The problem was that she was telling them that I ran a red light. She didn’t mention that I had stopped and looked first or that the other driver thought he was in the Fast and Furious. I had to get up and give my side of the story. Then the strangest thing happened.

I glanced over at the ford where the youngy was on the phone. He wasn’t there. I stood up to see where he had gone and quick as a flash another white car pulled up in front of the ford. I see Youngy run jump into the car and off they go. He just left the scene of an accident. He just did a hit and run. Literally. The cops didn’t see it. I told Lexi and she said to tell the cops. I spoke to the lady cop and said that the driver of the other vehicle just drove off.

She sighed and chuckled and said, “Well that’s good for you then”. I was shocked.

I was giving the rest of my statement when another fancy car pulled up. A very concerned mother and her son walked over. He seemed in his early 20s. A very rich looking mother and son. It turns out the ford belonged to the son and his friend had taken the car for a quick drive. They came to exchange insurance info, I think and maybe squash this whole thing.

I took them over to were Joe was laying on the curb with his arms over his face, smoking a cigarette. He didn’t have insurance. They asked what they can do. He said nothing, the car was junk. And that was that. I think mom and son just wanted to get the hell out of there. They didn’t stick around long.

Eventually, once tow trucks were organized, Lexi said I should call my brother. Ugh, I was so embarrassed. Thankfully my heavily pregnant sister-in-law was awake and the two of them came to pick me and Joe up. I wish the world would have swallowed me up. I’m a little scared of my brother. He’s like my father sometimes. So you can imagine me telling him I’d just been in a car accident with a guy I just met. I still have to ask him what he thought of that night. I know he was concerned but I also imagine he was just shaking his head in disappointment en route to picking his crazy sister up.

AND he had to give Joe a lift home too. A still very drunk, highly depressed Joe.

I wish there was more to the accident story. But honestly, the other driver wasn’t there to give his side of the story and no one was hurt. So once the tow trucks fetched the cars we were all fine to be on our way.

The car ride to Joe’s was awfully quiet. When he got out of the car he turned to me and said he would call me in the morning.

The following day poor Joe had to take a taxi to my place and I drove him to the police station to get a police report. We were both very apologetic. Him for losing the plot and making me drive and me for, you know, ruining his life.

After walking out of the police station I offered to take him home and he said no he’d just take another taxi. He turned away and walked up the street and I watched a broken man walk off into the distance.

We never spoke again after that. I heard through the grapevine a few years on that he was dating someone so I hope that everything turned out okay for him.

As for me, I went on to experience many a terrible date. But none came close to this story.


Have you had any bad dates that you can laugh about now?

My Future

Every year we get invited to a giant clam bake hosted by a friend of ours. My favourite part of the party is getting to see his parents and their friends.

I don’t know how we just clicked with this older couple but it happened and it was grand. They are simply lovely.

N met them first because he was installing the sound system at the friend’s new bar and the parents were in and out of the bar while it was being renovated and they fell in love with him. When we went to the bar’s soft opening N and I sat with the parents and we all fell in love with each other. I think perhaps it’s because they remind me of my parents. They have 3 children (like my parents) who the dote on and speak about often (like my parents).

We became so close and comfortable with them that when they asked us if we had kids we had no trouble telling them about our struggles. It was then that they shared their own struggles to have their 3 miracle children. Mind you, their youngest (our friend) is our age so of course their struggle did not have the science we have now. She had severe endometriosis and they struggled for years but through the science they had at the time and trying the natural way with sheer determination they eventually had their first.

It made sense now why we were so drawn to each other.

At the last get together we met their friend who’s husband was out of the country working. She too was an amazing woman and we were drawn to her as well. She was recently retired and spent her time travelling all over the world with her husband. I loved her easy laugh and how funny she was.

The conversation again turned to us trying to grow a family and I learned that the friend never had children. She had also struggled but eventually chose to be child free. And she was thriving.

When I think about us never having children I always think that I will forever be broken inside. That women who never have children are never whole and I blame society for this. It’s sick and wrong.

Here I was faced with two of my very possible futures. The happy couple with 3 miracles and endless joy. Or the happy couple with no children and endless joy.

I love the very few times we see them. I love their genuine-ness, and their energy and their hugs. And we always seem to see them right after another childess year has gone by and they tend to refresh me and clear my mind of bad thoughts.

There is absolutely  a reason these people came into our lives. I think the reason is that whatever happens, we will have endless joy.

January Favourites

I, too, am posting a few of my favourite things to break the monotony of IVF treatments. I wanted to post this a before February but yeah. So here are a few things I’ve been obsessed with this past month.

1. Face brush thing: My skin has been atrocious since starting IVF meds. It’s been depressing so I bought this thing at Sally’s for $23 along with lots of masks. I’m trying to use it every night. But I love how it makes my skin feel. Well worth the price tag for this cheapskate.


2. Shea Moisture Sensitive Skin Moisturizer: I’m obsessed with Shea Moisture. I’ve been using their hair and skin products for years and I’m in love with it. This moisturizer is no different. I love that they use ingredients you can pronounce. I got this at Target. I’m so happy.


3. Cast Iron Skillet: I’ve always wanted one of these. I got this one for Christmas but only used it this past month and I’m 100% sold. I don’t want to use anything else. I feel like a professional chef hahaha.


4. Vented Blow Drying Brush: You guys! This thing has changed my life. Now that it’s winter I’m dropping the curly look for straightened. I usually blow dry with a boar’s hair round brush and then use my flat iron and my ends were suffering badly. I decided to try this and I haven’t used my flat iron since. I can safely say this is my best purchase of 2016 so far. So happy!


5. Cellphone cover: This is just a silly purchase I made that I love. It’s probably going to break soon and destroy my phone but look how cute! The wine moves! Ack!!

6. Oil Diffuser: Another Christmas present I’ve started using recently. I only have lavender oil so far and I’m doing some research on what’s good for ivf (if you have tips,  please help). But I think it’s pretty awesome so far. Love! Not the best pic.


7. Mead!!: Honey wine! You usually find them at old timey fairs or Medieval Times. I got a groupon for a meadery tour to try this stuff. It wasn’t so much a tour as it was me and N in a room with the guy who makes the mead and he told us how he made it and we got to try and buy some. I’m a big fan now. This brand is very yummy. It tastes a like sherry but better.


8. Long Sleeve Sweater: Nothing special about this but it was cheap and it feels amazing. I want to live in it.


9. Zhu: If you don’t like house music then skip this final one. I stumbled on this album on Friday actually and haven’t stopped listening. Something’s finally bumped Adele off the number one spot for me.

D’s Last Post

I realise my last post was very Debbie Downer (or Betty Bad Luck where I come from). I’m still in the middle of my funk. It’s a combination of PMS, extreme homesickness and the fact that I’m having to work during the xmas break but I think it’s getting better. Chocolate helps. Chocolate always helps!

For my last post of 2015 I want to do a round up of my favourites for the year. I want to do it monthly but we all know my track record with planned posts. Anyway, without further ado… Here are my favourites for 2015. Let’s start with the normal stuff.

This was a tough on and I’ve decided it’s a tie.
Jurassic World – I was worried they’d mess this up but man, what a great movie. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. The fact that xxx spent the entire movie running in heels didn’t phase me. And, of course, let’s please take a moment to appreciate the beauty that is Chris Pratt.

The Martian – I vowed to read this book before going to see the movie but I ended up watching it when I was in the middle of the book and it motivated me to finish because the beginning of the book is slow. So awesome. I think I’ve mentioned in a previous post that I always wanted to work at NASA. After this movie I actually went to the website to see if they had openings haha. It was amazing. The amount of geniuses working there and what they went through to get to try to save him. Amazing. And they didn’t really stray too far from the book in my opinion which is always a big plus. I hope my kid(s) knows I’m going to force them to study something to get them into NASA. What kind of parent would I be if I didn’t force my child(ren) succeed where I had failed? And this brings me to my second favourite.

The Martian – Again, it started off slow but once they switched to Earth it was non-stop action. The technical language was fascinating and I was in awe of how smart these people are. If you’re into space travel, suspense and sarcastic humour, this book is for you.

All things truffle – For some reason everything has truffle oil in it and I, for one, am very happy about this. I go to restaurants and I know if I see truffle fries or truffle mac & cheese, I know it’s going to be a winner. There’s a bar in providence we went to that had truffle tator tots. I died and went to heaven. I’m so glad truffle mac & cheese is a thing. It’s amazing. I read a comment on an article somewhere saying that some (probably most) truffle oils are actually toxic because it’s not flavoured with real truffles and blah blah cancer blah blah blah. It’s delicious.

Moscow Mule 
– One of my dear friends who I met on this journey helped me fall in love with moscow mules. I’m in love with it. In love!


What do you mean by Justin Bieber 
– It brings me no joy to admit this. But I really do turn the volume up when this song comes on the radio. I can’t help it! Don’t look at me! I’m ashamed!!!

This was a tough one because there are so many but
Shameless – My brother and sister-in-law brother us on to this and we blew through 5 seasons within 2 months easily. If you’re not watching this and don’t get offended easily, this is a must see.
Honourable mention: The Affair, Blackish, Flesh & Bone, The Nick, New Girl,  Arrrgh! so much good tv out there lately.

We’re headed out for the night and I’m not ready yet so I have to make this quick and I can’t think of any other categories. Soooo. Another tie.
My eldest brother’s wedding – I was so happy to be home for this. Sad that hubby couldn’t be there but this was a great 3 weeks home. I was popped in as bridesmaid at the last moment and I was sooo happy to be included. I love weddings!!!

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Going to Washington DC with hubby – We didn’t travel together much this year but this was needed and so so awesome. Love my bubbles.

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Anyway, there you have it. What was your favourite for 2015?? I hope you all have a great last night of 2015… Chat next year!



The Play Room

When I was younger, maybe 4th grade, we lived in San Francisco for a year while my father did his Masters. I remember them having a lot of younger couple friends but there was one couple who had the best house in the whole world. You walk into the house and they had a sunken living room that was converted into a play room. It was amazing!

They had legos and books and all the board games you can imagine and every time we came they seemed to have a new one for the three of us to play. The best part was the puzzles and gadgets. It was like a touch-and-learn area in a museum of science.

They had the plasma globe and an another globe that was suspended between two magnets that looked like magic. There was a doohickey the rolled on a track from side to side and never stopped (more magnet wizardry) and I remember a tonne of 3d puzzles. 3d puzzles are the best! Anyway, you get the point. A nerdy child’s dream.

We weren’t over there often but everytime was the best day ever. I loved it so much that I always swore that I would have a playroom exactly like that when I grew up. For my kids and my brothers’ kids and everyone’s kids. I knew I wanted have the house that every child wanted to be at just because being in that house brought me so much joy. And the couple were the best people as well. They really spoiled us everytime we visited.

I never forgot that playroom and I actually started collecting 3d puzzles and gadgets. I had a plasma globe and lava lamp too. I have quite a collection in SA. I’ll have to start again unfortunately because most of the cool electronic stuff won’t work here. Sorry plasma globe.

Recently, this couple popped in my mind for whatever reason one day when I was driving home and it dawned on me that they didn’t have any kids. My parents have since lost contact with them so I don’t know if they ended up having kids or if they’re still childless. I wonder if they’re childless by choice or if their playroom was meant for children they didn’t have at the time. I wonder if seeing us in their playroom made them sad if they couldn’t have kids or if they were just the type of people who loved seeing everyone happy. That’s how I remembered them.

I was very excited about creating my own playroom growing up. I’ve had a million ideas but of course in my current situation I keep wondering if my playroom will be for my kids or for my friends’ kids and my husband’s family’s kids.

Not to be a downer but there’s always the possibility that my playroom won’t have any of my children to play in it and that makes me a little sad, but then I remember how awesome the original playroom was and how much joy it brought me when I was there. And I know that the couple loved having us there since they always had new toys for us when we visited and they played with us sometimes. I can only imagine that seeing joy in any child’s eyes is enough, no matter what your situation is and I’m very excited to be able to bring that kind of joy.

So I’m going to continue my collection and our next house is going to have the most epic playroom. Yes, there will be a giant tropical fish tank. And yes, you’re all invited to bring your kids (even if you don’t have kids… there’ll be a plasma globe. No one can resist a plasma globe).


source: wikipedia