Beta 1

8.46

That’s certainly not good. I have to go back on Wednesday. I have to go back on my birthday.

This sucks.

Advertisements

TWW

Well, we made it. It’s 10am and just waiting for the dreaded phone call. Just like last time I’m going to let it go to voicemail so that I can listen to it with N later. I’m going to buy a bottle of gin or something when I leave work. If it’s negative I’ll have something to drink at least. If it’s positive I’ll save it somewhere for the new baby and I to enjoy when they turn 21. I’m still feeling nauseous and my uterus is twingeing like crazy. I really hope that’s a good sign. I really hate progesterone.

Anyway, here is my account of the two week wait. It might not be all to coherent. The tenses are probably all over the place. Sometimes I wrote on the day, sometimes the day after. But you get the jist.

Thanks everyone for following along this, our first and hopefully last sibling cycle.

 

Aug 9th – Transfer Day: Shopping with parents and Lucky at Target and Marshalls after transfer. A few twitches in my abdomen. Dinner at Chinese buffet. Ate like a pig.

1dp7dt: No real symptoms. Bad headache at 11am. I suspect due to 9am progesterone shot. Will continue to track headache times. Nipples tingling when I got out of bed. Spend the day washing the car. Dinner at mom-in-law’s house. Ate like a pig.

2dp7dt: Wake up at 4:30 with heart beating really fast. Almost like a panic attack. Can’t seem to get my heartbeat to slow down. Just feeling weird. Get up to pee, and eat a small piece of a banana. Doze off again at 6. Up at 7. No other symptoms. Spend the day at the zoo and then sat outside watching N wash his car and his cousin and her daughter came over for a quick visit.

3dp7dt: Progesterone shots are now a problem. Welts and bruises on my butt. Feeling very negative and despondent. One or two twitches in the uterus area. Forgot purse at home but found change in car for vending machine snacks. Very grumpy because I drove all the way to fast food place before I realised. I had no money Nipples were tingly this morning. Had a tiny pre-period cramp. These symptoms mean nothing. I’m driving myself nutty. And my butt hurts and I want to go home. Queasy feeling in the evening.

4dp7dt: Symptoms all gone. One or two waves of nausea all day. Even the slight bloat is gone. Feeling very despondent. If there was anything, it’s gone now. Very grumpy all day. This sucks. I was really tired so went to bed quite early.

5dp7dt: No bloat. Nipples kinda tingly, kiiinda. Waves of nausea. Tired. But still nothing else. This still sucks. Still waves of nausea. I’m so grumpy. My butt hurts and I’m butt hurt. hahaha

6dp7dt: I will be very surprised if this works. It’s Thursday today. I’m off tomorrow. Not sure if that’s a blessing or a curse. Thankfully work was busy so no real time to dwell. On the way to tap class I pulled myself out of my rut and blasted loud music and sang out loud and it definitely worked. For 25 minutes I thought about my fighter embryo. It was the lone survivor with terrible odds and it made it anyway! It’s no stranger to beating the odds. There’s no reason to believe it wouldn’t do it now. Come on little Seven! I’m so proud of you already. ❤️

7dp7dt: My mantra today is “my body knows what to do, my body knows what to do”. The analytical part of my mind is going through my Instagram friend list and of the ladies doing FETs for siblings, all of them have been successful on the first try. So I’m just going by the numbers. Nate and I watched Spiderman tonight. I was nauseous all the way through but I’m chalking it up to the movie making me motion sick. Can’t believe my parents have been here for 3 months and we’ve only used their babysitting services twice. For shame.

8dp7dt: Lordy, a pregnancy dream 😔. I was at the clinic waiting for my appointment and the ultrasound tech came out and said no need for an appointment because she’s pregnant. Then she wheeled out the ultrasound machine (yes into a full waiting room) and said “look at these lines. Her heart is double the normal so she’s pregnant”. I was so relieved! And then I woke up. I know where that dream came from. I read an article about a woman who discovered she was pregnant from reading her heart rate on the fitbit. I charged mine last night so that was on my mind all day. Of course as soon as I put my fitbit on I obsessively checked my heart rate all day. I don’t even know what I was looking for lol. I’ve lost my mind, people. Completely. We spent the day at the beach. It was phenomenal. Just what we all needed. Now we’re watching Master Chef and the nausea is back with a little cramping.

9dp7dt: Omg I made it! Well tomorrow is likely going to be a shit show of a day as well but at least I’ll have some respite. This morning I felt a bit of bloat. I actually had bloat most nights but 5, 6 and 7dpt I had zero bloat. We stayed in bed most of the morning. I drove with M to Best Buy in the afternoon and on the way back he hit the brakes really hard to avoid something. I felt that adrenaline rush and after that a very sharp pain in my uterus. Either a good thing or a bad thing. We got home and loaded everyone up and went to get some ice cream. When we got home I was nauseous for the rest of the night but I attributed it to eating way too much ice cream. Went to bed pretty early because I had to be up at 4:30 the next morning to drive to the clinic. I can’t believe we made it through. Thank goodness it’s over.

Half Way

I have a saved post that’ll detail my symptoms like last time. I’ll post it next Monday. Spoiler alert: There’s nothing happening that can’t be attributed to progesterone. I hate you progesterone.

I thought I wouldn’t have time to stress about it but I have certainly made time. Sigh.

Emotionally I’m all over the place. I’m glad that I have Friday off but I can’t seem to think of anything fun to do this weekend. I’m tired and grumpy. So so grumpy. And I’m emotional about silly things. Tonight I’m upset that Lucky doesn’t have a bedtime routine.

I know that’s silly because I just got to a place where I’m just happy that he sleeps through and he’s a happy little boy but tonight I’m feeling failure-ish.

I’m sure tomorrow I’ll have something else to be moody about. I wish I could have a glass of wine.

Okay, sorry this was just a half way check in post. Nothing exciting to report. Still alive. Just barely.

 

 

Egg retrieval #6

Because of the merger, my egg retrieval was at a different facility this morning at 8:30. It wasn’t a terrible experience. Same story. Just new faces to get used to. The walls were also paper thin. I heard all the full pre-op conversations and a phone call with an RE and her patient about how only one of her 5 eggs fertilized and they recommended to do a day 3 transfer and opt to not do pgs testing even though she suffers from RPL.

It was a long 2hr wait for retrieval and I thought about the patient on the other end of that call the whole time. I sent out positive thoughts for her and her embryo. I hope her transfer works.

The operating room was a little different. A lot more strapping down (arm and waist) which was unsettling and the stirrups weren’t attached to the bed like at the OB office they were harnesses on poles. Creepy. The anesthesiologist was a very lovely soft spoken young lady. I really liked her. And she and the nurses made me feel very comfortable. I was fine all the way until I walked into the operating room when I felt tears sting my eyes and my breathing become shallow. Maybe nerves. Maybe memories. But I calmed right down the minute I heard Africa by Toto playing in the background. I wanted to tell everyone I’m south african and this is the whole country’s jaaaam. But I just squeaked out that I liked this song. But everyone was too busy strapping and fussing to get excited with me.

After I read my name and dob back to everyone with clipboards I laid back to enjoy the best part of this damn journey and woke up to one of the worst parts. Anesthesia grog. Was served the usual ginger ale and animal crackers when the surgeon walked in with the pretty nurse who was shadowing her. 5 eggs. Thank goodness the grogginess masked the internal groan. I think the doctor sensed my disappointment because she laid her hand on mine and said lets see how it goes.

And that was that. N came back and seemed a little disappointed at the news too but sucked it up and went to get the car after I got dressed.

We distracted ourselves with talk of Game of thrones and Lunch. He dropped me off at home and went back to work. I had an almost 2hr nap and then waited impatiently for my saint of a nanny to drop of little Lucky. I was drowsy for most of the day but very grateful that he kept my mind off the obsessive fertilization math. It’s only now that I’m writing this that I’ve given it a thought.

And now I’m thinking of the phone call this morning. What if only one fertilizes. What if what if what if.

Here’s hoping I can fall asleep. I’ve been up since 4 so maybe that helps. Just trying to remember that if I have to do this again that it’s not that bad the 6th time around.

Thanks everyone for following along and sending positive thoughts. I will keep you posted. Xxx

Silver Linings

IVF ROUND 6

DAY 8
(Tuesday April 30)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur, 25iu Cetrotide
Notes: estrogen=467.9; LH=4.39; progesterone=n/a; lining=8.8mm; Left Ovary=13.1, 13.6, 9.4; Right Ovary=14.4

I finally did it. After years of umm-ing and ahh-ing, I finally did it. After months of trying to convince my husband and after weeks finding the right time. I did it!

I hired someone to clean our house every other week. And today was her first day!

I could barely contain myself on the drive home and when I walked in it was like a dream come true! All my expectations were far exceeded. Why did I wait so long?

I’m so happy.

All that business about 4 follicles is a distant buzz right now. My house is spotless and I no longer feel anxious and claustrophobic in my own space. Yay!

Okay, that’s all. Monitoring appointment in the early early morning. Fingers crossed for some good news!

Emotional: That clean house feeling but with more energy
Physical: Tired. Headaches not as bad. Also my bloated feeling has gone down. Hmm
Food: Turkey sandwich for lunch. Some sort of beef and rice casserole foe dinner. I need to go grocery shopping.

Snap Crackle Pop

IVF ROUND 6

DAY 4
(Friday April 26)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur

Notes: estrogen=13.30; LH=9.30; progesterone=0.228; lining=3.7mm; antral follicles=16

Phew, finally caught up and writing in real time. This feels better.

I’m starting to feel a little rumblings down there and a little bit of bloat. It seems soon but I’ll take it. I told N it feels like Rice Crispies in my belly.

The tiredness is destroying me though. I’m so useless. Tomorrow is my first monitoring day. Fingers crossed for some good numbers.

Emotional: Normalish

Physical: Dizzy and tired

Food: Mac n cheese for lunch and garlic shrimp for dinner.

My Anxiety and Me: A Winter Milkshake

Hi! Me again. Another attempt at firing up this blog with a new series I hope to continue. My therapy sessions deal with a lot of trying to understand why I am the way I am instead of being resistant to being the way I am because it doesn’t fit into “the norm”. Yesterday I think I took a tiny step in the direction of acceptance. A tiny baby step.

This glimpse into my mind is me being very vulnerable. I’ll ask that you please be kind. Or at least pretend :).

Something that gives me the most anxiety is caring what other people think. Even strangers who I’ll never see again and particularly my neighbours who I don’t know. Most days I feel like they’re peeping out of their windows watching my every move and judging me. I have no evidence of this but I feel their non existent eyes on me whenever I venture outside.

When Lucky was born one of my biggest stressors was what would I do with him when I get home from grocery shopping and Dad isn’t home? Do I leave him in the car while I take everything in? What will the neighbours think? Do I take him in and then get everything? Will they think I’m irresponsible?

If anyone cares, I bring him in first and leave him strapped in the car seat so that he’s not getting into anything while I’m busy. But boy do I run and boy do I carry everything at once!

rmx-when-you-try-to-bring-the-grocery-in-one-go_c_4616659

N is out of town this week and we had a snow storm over the weekend which meant I had to shovel by myself. Queue instant panic about what to do with the kiddo. I would obviously have to take him outside with me. This proved to be nerve wracking at first because the only receptacle I had for him was a plastic laundry basket.

Side note about the laundry basket. I bought it to put him in at the ice castles in NH because I couldn’t find any sleds the day before we were set to leave and I leave everything to the last minute. I didn’t want to carry him all over and I didn’t think a stroller would work. I ended up not using it because I felt silly using a laundry basket when everyone else would surely have legitimate awesome sleds for their kids. I definitely regretted it because even though everyone did have awesome sleds, Lucky is very heavy and it was cold and unpleasant. But I digress.

I should have tested the laundry basket idea out at home first because it was a joy. Lucky loved being pulled around in it. Yes he did almost topple out a few times when I went over a bump but he loved that as well. After about 20 minutes of shoveling I started to feel relaxed and confident and after I was done I dragged him around the (teeny tiny) yard a few times and enjoyed his giggles and his big smile. It was definitely worth it.

So yesterday when I got home I had to park in the street because the beginning of the driveway had massive chunks of ice that were blocking my way. I realized that I couldn’t do my laundry basket trick because there wasn’t snow in the driveway and it would just look silly having him sit in the laundry basket while I shoveled a bit more.

(Please know that I realize that all my anxiety about everything is unfounded and ridiculous. I know that I sound like a crazy person. I’m working on it.)

But I decided that he could stand near me and it was literally 3 big chunks of snow that needed to be moved. So I zipped him up in his snow suit and took him out and made him stand in the driveway and I sang to him while I moved the snow. He ended up sitting down and clapping along.

As I gathered him up to go inside and celebrate another win against the judgey non existent neighbour eyes I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had to move the car back into the driveway. What am I going to do with Lucky?

I couldn’t leave him in the house unattended. I couldn’t strap in the car seat and leave him in the house because he hates getting into the car seat nowadays so it would be cruel to do it for a few minutes then take him out again. I also couldn’t leave him alone and get into the car and drive. They know I’m home alone with him. What would they think?

I could strap him in the car seat and take him with me to back into the driveway. I could do that but they would think I was being silly for taking him out for a 2 minute excursion and again, is it worth the screaming to get into the car seat?

I could wait until he goes to bed at 8 and then move the car and make a public showing of me holding with the monitor so they would know I wasn’t a terrible mother for leaving him unattended. But going out at night in the cold was really something I didn’t want to do.

There was only one solution. We had to go for a drive. At least around the block. If they see us leave for a while they’ll think I’ll have something to do and they’ll go back to their lives until I park the car when I get back.

I let this ruminate for a while. I let the complete absurdity of it all consume me and I allowed myself to be very angry. Why am I like this? How can I stop being like this? And then I remembered what my therapist asked me. What if it’s okay to be like this?

I took a deep breath and said to myself, “It’s okay to take your kid for a drive because you don’t want to deal with this anxious situation that you’ve created in your mind… Doing it this way means less anxiety.”

And with that I popped Lucky into the car seat and off we went. I had no plan or destination but I felt calm and I know after a hard session of therapy, she always tells me to treat myself. So with that, I drove down to our local Sonic and got a small milkshake to celebrate.

We drove home and I reversed into the driveway and no one was the wiser. I lived to face self-made judgement another day!

The moral of the story is that sometimes you have have to face a problem head on and get right to the point. And sometimes it’s okay or take the long way around. Just remember to treat yourself at the end :).

20190219_174856