Ladybug Sighting

IVF ROUND 7

DAY 5 – Monitoring Day
(Friday Oct 25)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur
Notes: estrogen=64.44; LH=6.12; progesterone=0.387; lining=5.4mm; Left Ovary=11.8mm; Right Ovary=12mm

I had a rough-ish day emotionally. I ate crap and work was taxing. There are only 2 lonely follicles right now. They seem pretty big for this early but my estrogen seems lowish for this early. But the nurse was happy with progress. I’m just falling into comparison land again and I hate it. Someone needs to take my phone away and delete and bock me from my instagram and blog. But the damage is done.

I did make it to training after skipping all exercise days this week. So that felt good. While we were chatting in between sets his wife (my tap instructor) came down to say hi and she pointed to the ceiling to two ladybugs who were touching butts. They’d been there all week doing who knows what :). That made me smile and I took it as a good sign for the day. Two ladybugs. Two follicles. Two drops of hope.

Onwards and upwards. Next appointment on Sunday.

Emotional: Rollercoaster!!!
Physical: Feeling good after a training session.
Food: Leftover Chinese food.

Ho Hum

IVF ROUND 7

DAY 2-4
(Tuesday Oct 22 – Thursday Oct 24)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur

Days 2 and 3 were anti climactic as usual. I haven’t done shots yet today but I believe I’m feeling some bloat sitting here with my legs curled under me. Either it’s IVF bloat or it’s the giant mountain of Chinese food I just ate.

Little Lucky is staying over at his grandma’s tonight because he goes with me to school and I don’t want to have to wake him up at the ass crack of dawn to go with me for the 2hr journey and I also am not too keen on bringing a child with me to my IVF clinic. I’m extremely grateful that I have someone to watch him during this time. I know not everyone is this lucky. I wonder now about all those women who I side-eyed at the clinic who brought their kids to appointments. I’m sure most of them felt tortured about being “that person”. I wonder if most of them simply had no choice. I’m just grateful that I have a choice with this.

It’s shots and bed time soon. Can’t believe tomorrow will pretty much be half way.

Emotional: Just taking it one day at a time
Physical: Haven’t been to training all week and skipped dance today. So, bleh-ish
Food: Mountain of Chinese food.

Surprise IVF

IVF ROUND 7

DAY 1
(Monday October 21st)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur
Notes: estrogen=133.9; LH=4.41; progesterone=0.486; Antral follicles=10

I did not expect to be starting this soon. I was expecting my period this Friday but it came on Sunday. Not hugely early, but early enough for me to panic a little bit.

I started the estrogen priming with Estrace on the 14th and I guess it can make your period start sooner. But anywhere here we are.

Everything went smoothly injection-wise. No complaints. The estrace was making me feel really awful so I’m happy that it’s over but I felt a good amount of nausea about an hour are shots. But I slept really well. I also had my flu shot yesterday so I think my body was just tapped out with all the stuff in it.

Random story: I do the personal training about 2 towns over. It’s usually a 25min drive with about a 5 minute stretch of highway between my exit and the trainer’s. Last night as I got onto the highway the traffic was at a dead stop because of an accident. The gps had me getting there in an hour. I had to text everyone to cancel but I couldn’t get off the highway until the exit which was an hour away! So I basically sat in traffic just to take the exit and drive my ass right back home! A complete waste of almost 2 hours! Hopefully no one was hurt though, because there was a massive crane pulling a car out of the woods when I drove by.

Anyway, I hope by my next monitoring appointment I’ll be a bit more excited and not so shaken up. I think I’m afraid of getting a low amount of eggs again.

Emotional: A little like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me. Ask me tomorrow.
Physical: Feeling pretty good.
Food: Roasted chicken and salad

To Freeze or Not to Freeze

Well, here we go again…

I’m sorry for not responding to all of the caring messages from my last post. For some reason that failure hit a lot harder than I had expected it to. That mixed with it being my birthday and my parents leaving and work becoming extremely busy was just a lot. It just wasn’t a fun month.

But I eventually dusted myself off in time for our follow up appointment. The fact that we have such an awesome RE helped me get even more excited. He always seems to read my mind. This time I wanted to ask him about HGH and he brought it up all on his own.

I heard about human growth hormone on Instagram and on some forums. Dr P mentioned that studies show that it does show some good results on increasing egg quality. Unfortunately, it’s no longer FDA approved so doctors aren’t prescribing it as much anymore. He explained that it costs around $1000 for a vial and I would need 4 vials. So scratch that idea. Then he said that he’s been telling his patients to use Serovital. It’s a supplement that increases your natural HGH and it’s about $200 for a 3 months supply. So we opted for that.

We’re also going to stick with the same protocol. I asked if this was a good idea and whether we shouldn’t go balls to the walls and double the dosage (not in those words of course) but he said that we’re already at a very high dose (300iu gonal f and 150iu of menopur). He wants to stick to this and either go a little up or down depending on how I respond.

We also discussed N doing another frozen sample. We went through the pro’s and con’s and in a rare display of humour our RE said “To freeze or not to freeze. That is the question”. Okay, yes, it was a lame joke. But we all had a good laugh. I guess you had to be there.

We are doing one change though. We’re going to try estrogen priming. I think that’s what it’s called. I’m to go in on day 21 of this current cycle to test my progesterone and then I’ll start estrogen pills twice a day until sometime after I start the stimulating meds. Correct me if I’m wrong but the extra estrogen is supposed to help my follicles respond to the stimulating medication better. So here’s hoping.

I’m excited to get back in the saddle. I forgot about this never ending up and down roller coaster ride. A few weeks ago, I was near to giving up all together and now I’m ready to go again. Is this the definition of madness?

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Anyway, in other news. I’ve hired a personal trainer!! I’m on week 3 I think. My tap instructor’s husband is a personal trainer and he offered to take me and two of my friends on so that we could split the cost because, let’s face it, I’m not that much of a baller. It’s been really hard but really fun. I’m glad we took the plunge. The sucky bit is that it’s twice a week (for now) so I’m away from my family Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights (Thursdays are dance night). But I have to keep my eye on the prize. It’s not forever and I want to feel better about my body.

I also started sober October on Tuesday. I’m all in now but this weekend will be the real test. I usually start my drinking on Fridays and we have a birthday party this weekend and apple picking on Sunday which I could easily turn into some brunch time day drinking after. But I will be strong!!!

Next, I have to clean up my eating. More on this later.

Oh and lastly, I’m slowly making moves to apply for a Masters program. Slowly. I applied to take the GRE test. It’s in November and I haven’t started studying. If anyone has taken the GRE, please give me some advice. I keep thinking it’ll be easy but I could be fooling myself. Let’s see how it goes.

And that’s it for me. Posting will likely ramp up again in the coming weeks. I truly appreciate each and every one of you who are still following this blog that’s almost nearly dead. I have been thinking of starting another blog too. Not a mommy blog. A blog to parse out my past trauma and dealing with residual anxiety etc. My therapist suggested it. It will be raw. I’m just trying to think of a name for it.

Okay, I hope all of you are still rocking and rolling.

Lots of love!! xxx

Why is Hope?

A beta of 8.46 is not a good beta. Every time someone posted a low beta like this I always read the fingers-crossed’s and the you’re-still-not-out’s with a bit of annoyance. Like why are we giving this poor woman any hope? Let’s be realistic. 8.46 is not good.

And yet, I hoped.

I scoured for success story after success story. I replayed the voicemail and even the nurse sounded hopeful. “You never know”, she said. But I’m sure she knew.

And still, I hoped.

On Tuesday, I was barely keeping it together. Just fragile and constantly on the verge of tears.

But still, so hopeful.

On Wednesday morning I turned 38. I somehow managed to keep this at the forefront of my thoughts and for the most part it worked. It was a genuinely happy day. The phone call came at 2 and even when I learned that the beta dropped to 1.5 I pushed that sadness all the way down and rejoiced that I didn’t have to do any more damned progesterone shots. It’s okay. We’ll get it next time.

I was hopeful.

Thursday, I was still okay. I thought I was okay. I went through the entire day okay. Even when I walked into therapy I avoided talking about it and ranted about work instead. The last 15 minutes my body gave up the fight and completely fell apart. It felt good to get it out. I was trying to be strong for Lucky and my parents and my husband and myself and my body was not having it. But it felt good to get it all out. I’m mad that I got my hopes for fucking 8.46. I’m scared that our RE will not know what to do next because we only got 5 eggs last time. I’m sad that I had to experience my first chemical pregnancy on my birthday.

Why did I hope?

I think I’m okay now, though. I think. Our wtf and next steps appointment is September 20th so I guess…

There is still hope.

TWW

Well, we made it. It’s 10am and just waiting for the dreaded phone call. Just like last time I’m going to let it go to voicemail so that I can listen to it with N later. I’m going to buy a bottle of gin or something when I leave work. If it’s negative I’ll have something to drink at least. If it’s positive I’ll save it somewhere for the new baby and I to enjoy when they turn 21. I’m still feeling nauseous and my uterus is twingeing like crazy. I really hope that’s a good sign. I really hate progesterone.

Anyway, here is my account of the two week wait. It might not be all to coherent. The tenses are probably all over the place. Sometimes I wrote on the day, sometimes the day after. But you get the jist.

Thanks everyone for following along this, our first and hopefully last sibling cycle.

 

Aug 9th – Transfer Day: Shopping with parents and Lucky at Target and Marshalls after transfer. A few twitches in my abdomen. Dinner at Chinese buffet. Ate like a pig.

1dp7dt: No real symptoms. Bad headache at 11am. I suspect due to 9am progesterone shot. Will continue to track headache times. Nipples tingling when I got out of bed. Spend the day washing the car. Dinner at mom-in-law’s house. Ate like a pig.

2dp7dt: Wake up at 4:30 with heart beating really fast. Almost like a panic attack. Can’t seem to get my heartbeat to slow down. Just feeling weird. Get up to pee, and eat a small piece of a banana. Doze off again at 6. Up at 7. No other symptoms. Spend the day at the zoo and then sat outside watching N wash his car and his cousin and her daughter came over for a quick visit.

3dp7dt: Progesterone shots are now a problem. Welts and bruises on my butt. Feeling very negative and despondent. One or two twitches in the uterus area. Forgot purse at home but found change in car for vending machine snacks. Very grumpy because I drove all the way to fast food place before I realised. I had no money Nipples were tingly this morning. Had a tiny pre-period cramp. These symptoms mean nothing. I’m driving myself nutty. And my butt hurts and I want to go home. Queasy feeling in the evening.

4dp7dt: Symptoms all gone. One or two waves of nausea all day. Even the slight bloat is gone. Feeling very despondent. If there was anything, it’s gone now. Very grumpy all day. This sucks. I was really tired so went to bed quite early.

5dp7dt: No bloat. Nipples kinda tingly, kiiinda. Waves of nausea. Tired. But still nothing else. This still sucks. Still waves of nausea. I’m so grumpy. My butt hurts and I’m butt hurt. hahaha

6dp7dt: I will be very surprised if this works. It’s Thursday today. I’m off tomorrow. Not sure if that’s a blessing or a curse. Thankfully work was busy so no real time to dwell. On the way to tap class I pulled myself out of my rut and blasted loud music and sang out loud and it definitely worked. For 25 minutes I thought about my fighter embryo. It was the lone survivor with terrible odds and it made it anyway! It’s no stranger to beating the odds. There’s no reason to believe it wouldn’t do it now. Come on little Seven! I’m so proud of you already. ❤️

7dp7dt: My mantra today is “my body knows what to do, my body knows what to do”. The analytical part of my mind is going through my Instagram friend list and of the ladies doing FETs for siblings, all of them have been successful on the first try. So I’m just going by the numbers. Nate and I watched Spiderman tonight. I was nauseous all the way through but I’m chalking it up to the movie making me motion sick. Can’t believe my parents have been here for 3 months and we’ve only used their babysitting services twice. For shame.

8dp7dt: Lordy, a pregnancy dream 😔. I was at the clinic waiting for my appointment and the ultrasound tech came out and said no need for an appointment because she’s pregnant. Then she wheeled out the ultrasound machine (yes into a full waiting room) and said “look at these lines. Her heart is double the normal so she’s pregnant”. I was so relieved! And then I woke up. I know where that dream came from. I read an article about a woman who discovered she was pregnant from reading her heart rate on the fitbit. I charged mine last night so that was on my mind all day. Of course as soon as I put my fitbit on I obsessively checked my heart rate all day. I don’t even know what I was looking for lol. I’ve lost my mind, people. Completely. We spent the day at the beach. It was phenomenal. Just what we all needed. Now we’re watching Master Chef and the nausea is back with a little cramping.

9dp7dt: Omg I made it! Well tomorrow is likely going to be a shit show of a day as well but at least I’ll have some respite. This morning I felt a bit of bloat. I actually had bloat most nights but 5, 6 and 7dpt I had zero bloat. We stayed in bed most of the morning. I drove with M to Best Buy in the afternoon and on the way back he hit the brakes really hard to avoid something. I felt that adrenaline rush and after that a very sharp pain in my uterus. Either a good thing or a bad thing. We got home and loaded everyone up and went to get some ice cream. When we got home I was nauseous for the rest of the night but I attributed it to eating way too much ice cream. Went to bed pretty early because I had to be up at 4:30 the next morning to drive to the clinic. I can’t believe we made it through. Thank goodness it’s over.