At Least…

One thing infertility has taught me is to be very mindful of what I say to people and to remove some words from my vocabulary.

We see a lot of “What not to say to someone suffering from infertility” articles and I always try to apply that sort of thinking to my everyday interactions with people.

The two words I’m the most conscious of are “At least”. I actively make a point of never starting my response with “Well, at least…” to any news even if it’s just someone feeling fat that day.

I know it’s human nature to want to make someone feel better but when we replace their pain (my boyfriend and I broke up) with another seemingly less painful scenario (well, at least you’re free to do as you please now) doesn’t really make them feel better. I think it makes them push down their current feelings of despair when they’re not ready and that’s never helpful. We have to be allowed to grieve and feel the emotions of whatever we’re going through and the words “at least” do not help with the grieving at all.

I know that I’m preaching to the converted here and we’ve all been give some “At least” lines a few times while navigating  this infertility road, though.

I think, where I am now, I’m good at being more empathetic towards people. I have a pretty good handle on putting myself in other peoples’ shoes. Sometimes to my own detriment but that’s another story. What I’m trying to learn now is to remove the words “At least” from my vocab when talking to or about myself.

I always tend to diminish my own pain and struggle with these two words and I’m trying really hard to change that.

For example, when IVF 4 failed. I’d always say, Well at least this isn’t my 10th failure. I’m still a puppy in the infertility failure world.

While it’s true, it’s really something I shouldn’t have said. Yes, it did help me get up off the ground faster, but it didn’t help me heal properly from the failures.

This “At least” tactic I use on myself I learned from being in an abusive relationship. I actually just realized I almost did it again. I almost wrote “a semi abusive relationship”. I almost wrote it that way because well, at least he never left bruises.

I really have to constantly remind myself that “At least” doesn’t fix the problem. It doesn’t make my situation better. And it is a struggle because if you take away those fix it words you’re forced to face the problem. You’re forced to internalise and feel those stupid painful feelings.

Nobody wants to feel pain, least of all me. But what’s interesting is this. My shitty relationship taught me how to switch off all pain and I’m quite adept at it now and what I find fascinating is that it helped me get up and dust myself of quicker with each failed round of IVF. I would cry for a day but the next day I could act like nothing happened. When you’re in a shitty relationship most of your days are spent acting as if nothing happened just to survive. But the fact that I could push through and not appear broken is a skill I’ve mastered. And as much as I’m loathed to say it, maybe those 2.5yrs with that guy weren’t completely wasted.

My job now, is to unlearn that behaviour. I have to feel all the feelings and stop switching off the pain. Because as much as it is a good survival tool, it’s not a good tool for living.

I definitely still need therapy because I’m still not able to talk about that part of my life without some sort of reaction and I carry a lot of hatred towards that person still. I want to start healing and I want to be more whole.

Anyway, in the absence of therapy, I have my self awareness and my tiny life lessons and my goals for now. And this blog of course.

Sorry, if this turned a little deep and dark but it is Monday after all. Just getting some thoughts out of my head.

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A Balanced Translocation

We’re almost at the half-way mark with this little guy. Last week we had our anatomy scan and he’s doing really well. We have a fetal echo cardiogram scan next month but the doctor said that she doesn’t foresee any problems with that since we saw all 4 of his heart chambers and they looked good.

It was a long appointment but it was really cool to see how they measured everything and we got a few good pics (will try to post them on the new page if I figure out how). He definitely has his dad’s profile IMO. The best part for me was seeing him move and feeling him move at the same time, just confirming what all these flutters really are. He was very active and the tech had her work cut out for her. She had to take a 10min break and made me switch positions and poke my belly to try to get him to turn. When she came back he seemed to be napping so it was smooth sailing after that.

Before we did the anatomy scan they had us meet with their genetic counselor to explain the process and discuss our history. She had the most lovely accent that we could not place. That’s not relevant to the story but it was really lovely.

She asked us why we did IVF and we mentioned the balanced translocation and her eyes seemed to light up. Like we were her first interesting case of the day. She was surprised that it wasn’t in our file so she wasn’t prepared but she gave us all the risk factors and went through our family tree. We’d already done this with our first genetic counselor meeting years ago when we first heard about the BT but it was nice to get a refresher, I guess. She said that the NIPT test we had is so very accurate and she trusts it more than the anatomy scan since that obviously only picks up physical markers.

At the end of it I asked how soon after he’s born can we test to see if he has his father’s BT or not. She said that if we didn’t want to stick him they could draw the blood at birth from the umbilical cord. Then she said “If you feel it necessary to know that information.”

It never once crossed my mind to not know. She said that what if we tell him and he feels he could have gone have done without that information. She said that N is fine so the baby will be fine. I found it strange that she seemed like she was in the out-of-sight-out-of-mind camp and I didn’t really like it.

Why would you not want to know that information? Our plan is to find out as soon as possible and start having age appropriate conversations with him about what it means IF he happens to have the BT.

I’m a silent stalker in a BT support group on FB and this topic came up a few times and almost everyone overwhelmingly agreed that they would want their children to know as soon as possible, mostly because the would have wanted that information up front as well. Some of them even spoke about starting IVF funds for their BT children as an option which I think is great.

This also brought to light a few other thoughts I’ve had about passing a BT on to a child. What if he has a BT and when we explain it to him and what the possible implications are and he ends up hating us for doing this to him?

It’s a possibility. A scary possibility. One that I have to be prepared for. We have some time to discuss this and prepare ourselves and there’s also the chance that he doesn’t have one he could end up hating us for some other reason. Perhaps because we got him circumcised without his permission. Perhaps because he’s mixed race and he struggles to find his place in society. Maybe he’ll hate us for inheriting my big bunny teeth and his dad’s bad eye sight.

There are so many maybe’s here. Too many. I’m sure everyone has this fear to a certain extent. But the truth is, you just never know who your child will be and how they will react to certain situations. You just have to try to do you best with what you have.

I think our best bet here is to remember that he will have a kind heart and a fighter’s spirit that he inherited from us. And he has two parents who love him immeasurably and we will always try to do the right thing by him.

 

My Last Two Week Wait

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who’s responded to my last post and gave their thoughts. You’ve all really made me feel better about how I’m handling being on this side of the fence. I did some thinking and what usually triggers me (even for a few seconds) is bump and ultrasound pics. I think those I’ll add to a separate page if anyone is interested to see (if I take any bump pics). My reasoning is mostly because this wasn’t intended to be a strict infertility blog. It was a “Life in my 30s” blog. Infertility just took over the last few years of it.

But please know that I will always try to be mindful of what I say and which words I choose. I hope that I can stay true to this blog and this part of the journey while still remaining sensitive and respectful. ❤

In this post I want to go into detail, with dates, about my TWW. I’m going to try my best to remember what happened both for myself and anyone who likes to compare symptoms. I also realized that I never posted my beta numbers and I enjoy comparing these to others as well.

Wednesday April 5, 2017: Transfer day.  Spent the day resting on the couch.

1dp5dt: Took this day off work as well and spent the day with my friend B and her son. I don’t remember too many details just that we watched Dave Chapelle on Netflix. No symptoms.

2dp5dt: Back at work. Spent most of the day Googling symptoms. Shocked at how many women have symptoms on day 2. Granted they could be progesterone but still. I had nothing.

3dp5dt: Still no symptoms. We went to our friends’ daughter’s 3rd birthday party and spent the day with them afterwards. It was a great distraction. Plus pizza and cake!

4dp5dt: Woke up in the middle of the night by what felt like a panic attack. I felt a strong wooshing feeling through my body. I could even hear it in my ears it was so weird. Then I got an instant hot flash (flash or flush? anyway) and had to throw the blankets off my and my heart was pounding. It was a little scary but I remember reading about this in one of the forums. Could this be it? The rest of the day I felt unrested and sluggish but no other real symptoms. Obsessively Googling. This was also the day N and I went on that quick hike and I was attacked by that tick.

5dpd5dt: Half way! Feeling normal again. Distraught. Decide to start getting into the Easter spirit with baking and food prep. I remember this being the worst day and being quite weepy.

6dp5dt: Another symptom-less day at work. On the drive home an extremely sharp pain runs across my abdomen and down to my lady bits. It took my breath away and I even had to take my foot off the gas and hunch over. Something clicked right then and I began talking to my child. “Oh my goodness, that’s you isn’t it? You sure took your sweet time but thanks for that, little one”. I’ll never forget this day.

7dp5dt: Tiny little lower abdomen twitches about every 2 hours or so. Absolutely no other symptoms. I rubbed my tummy and talked to my embryo all day. We were in this together.

8dp5dt: I couldn’t tell if this is nausea or if I was making it up it was so mild. But my boobs were starting to ache. Something like just before my period and it was almost period time. I was also having more discharge. Another “almost period time” symptom. I’m feeling despondent.

9dp5dt: Easter Friday. Day off work. N had to work. I had planned to visit B again but she fell ill. I was quite bummed not knowing how to distract myself for the last day. I ended up sitting in the sun and reading and then went to search for a bottle of sparkling sake (saw it on Instagram) in case the cycle failed. My nerves were shot all day and I kept switching between begging and pleading and planning our next… our last cycle. It was not a good day to be alone. I found a giant bottle of sake. It wasn’t sparkling but it would do the trick. Watching TV with N that night, I got up to use the ladies. Brown spotting. It’s a strange place feeling your heart break and trying to be positive at the same time. The day before’s symptoms were increasing including the nausea and an added headache. I didn’t know what to think. I came out and told N about the bleeding. He had a worried look in my eyes and just said “oh no”. I climbed back under the blankets and we held hands and remained quiet the rest of the night.

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Saturday, April 15 – 10dp5dt: Beta day. I’m sad that most of this day, before and after the phone call, was a blur. I don’t remember what we ate for dinner or what the blood draw was like. But I know the appointment was at 7am. I drove up by myself and then N had to do a few work things so I drove around with him in his work van while we waited for the call. We went to a few boat yards and I was talking to my friends back home on Whatsapp all day. Everyone was on tenterhooks.  I remember stopping at Dunkin’ around 1pm and we got some bad food. We then went to his office so he could unload some stuff. I waited in the car for an hour just staring at my phone. I resolved to call them at 2 if I’d heard nothing. The closer we got to 2pm the more I was shaking. I ran to the toilet every few minutes for nervous farts and poops. Finally at 3 minutes past 2pm the call came through. I held my phone in my sweaty shaking hands until it went to voicemail. My eyes had tears in them already and I couldn’t shout to N to come because my voice would have cracked with emotion. He eventually joined me in the car and we took a few moments to collect ourselves. I told him I want to video tape our reactions. He reluctantly agreed. With his phone set on the dashboard he hit record and I hit play.
“Hi xxx, this is xxx from Dr xxx’s office just giving you a call with the results of your blood work today. Um, I am calling with good news. Congratulations, your result today was positive. So, we like to see the minimum level for HCG for this first test at at least 100, yours today was at 341. So a very good place to start. We always do subsequent blood draws to make sure that the level is rising so we do need you to come back in 2 days, that’s Monday morning for your next blood draw. I booked you in for 7:15 at the xxx office. In the meantime just continue your medication and we will see you in the office on Monday morning. If you have any questions we’ll be in the office until 2:30. Okay thanks. Bye bye.”

I didn’t really catch anything after 341 but I’ve listened to this voicemail enough times since. Most of the video is me with my mouth open and N laughing and then I just started crying and he hugged me and we kissed. Then we drove home in complete shock.

I on the drive home I sent the video to my family and my girlfriends back home and to B here and I was just in a daze for the rest of the day.

The day wasn’t perfect but close to it. N’s mom came over, she didn’t know that we had transferred this cycle and she was having a really tough time. One of her dogs, a black lab named Busta, had been really ill all week and he passed the night before our beta. She came over to drop something off but she was in tears telling us the story. It’s really heart wrenching. He was getting old and had hip problems. The vet gave her some medication for it but unfortunately the medication is lethal for some dogs. How this medication isn’t banned is another story. She was really a mess and we weren’t sure if we should give her some good news while she was grieving so badly. In the end N told her. She was over the moon so I’m glad we told her but I wonder if going from that sad to that happy that quickly is good. I don’t know if that makes sense.

12dp5dt: I spent this day with B and her son again. We went to the zoo. I think I was fine this day symptom-wise. My beta jumped up to 873. I was told that my next beta would only be a week later so I spent the rest of the week peeing on my wondfo’s every morning. My symptoms weren’t crazy so I needed other assurance. But so far so good.

19dp5dt: The before the the beta N and I went out for lunch and I had a virgin daiquiri. I’d never ordered one before and I was really excited. I think it was the first time I let my guard down a little bit and it felt good. My final beta before ultrasound was 11626. These betas were really reassuring, of course, but I did have that very scary bleed the next day so my guard was promptly reinstated. I remember the 3 weeks from this beta until the ultrasound being pure torture. I only started feeling real hard symptoms after the ultrasound. But getting this beta was a really good. I celebrated on this day.

And that’s the story of how I managed to allow a bottle of alcohol to go unopened for longer than a day.

It’s also the story of how my 10th embryo, my last embryo, found it’s way into my uterine wall and changed my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday Thoughts

I always felt sad when TTC ladies get their BFP’s and fell off the face of the blogging world. I always said, I would never do that, but I’m finding it difficult to write. My main worry is hurting anyone’s feelings and also gushing too much about this little guy and how great life is now (it’s not 100% great but I’m clinging to the great bits) then having everything taken away.

I was talking to my friend about how I’m not enjoying this to the fullest because with these two thoughts at the front of my mind constantly I have not taken any bump pictures. I have not kept a record of anything. No weekly symptoms. No firsts. Nothing. And don’t even get me started on baby shower anxiety. And the sad part is that I’m forgetting. I didn’t even really keep track of my TWW symptoms and I’ve pretty much forgotten them all and when they started.

I used to love going back to my IVF cycles and re-reading everything that I wrote in painstaking detail. I’m bummed that I’ve been too scared to track this next phase.

And it’s not even about posting here or on Instagram. I have 3 empty journals where I can write some stuff down but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

Anyway, upon reflection and talking to people I feel that fear going away slowly sometimes. I mean, I almost bought a pack ‘n play last week… Almost.

When I think about it, I know that some of you do want updates and those who don’t are probably not even reading this so I’m going to figure out how to post progress updates that don’t send out email notifications and I’ll have a section at the top with all of the updates. I  know it’s possible, if you know how can you let me know, please?

I think that way, I’ll have a record of what’s going on in my body so that I don’t forget while remaining a bit sensitive to anyone who would appreciate it.

 

 

Talking About IVF

Hello! It has been a rough few months at work. I always forget what a nightmare the end of the year always is but it’s all over now. The kids are gone and this week my whole team is on vacation. It actually feels like the whole building is empty, it’s a little scary.

Anyway.

So we’re in the telling people phase of this journey. Not family and friends but other individuals we come across in our daily or not so daily lives. This includes social media.

With regards to the latter, we couldn’t come to an agreement on an announcement so we decided to not announce. I wanted to mention IVF. In fact, I wanted to do the “ultrasound picture and onesie surrounded by needles in the shape of a heart” announcement but N did not want everyone in Facebook land to have that much insight into our lives. I definitely respect that so I’ve let it go.

With regards to the former, I generally tend to blurt out “We did IVF” if the conversation carries on long enough. But I’ve noticed, and I don’t know why I’m surprised, that it makes people uncomfortable and quiet if I mention it and it makes people giddy if I don’t.

The first time was at my dentist cleaning. This was earlier on, maybe around 8 weeks. The hygienist mentioned x-rays and I told her why I couldn’t have one. She then would not shut up about her kids and didn’t really let me get a word in edge wise (I also had a million metal pointy things in my mouth so there was that too). Needless to say, I didn’t get a chance to slip in how we got to where we were. I was a little disappointed but it’s okay.

The second time was strange. This time at my orthodontist with my mouth wide open again. I’d called earlier to let them know that I can’t do x-ray’s so when they nurse and ortho came in it was baby talk all over again. The I find my way in is if they ask if we know what we’re having. She asked if we knew the gender and after I told her I said that we did IVF and genetic testing on the embryo so we knew the gender very early on. Then very coldly, she said “Well, we did IVF too and we still had to wait to find out the gender”.

I didn’t know what to say. The nurse who was in there with us didn’t know what to say. I think it was the way she said it that threw me off. I know she has two kids so if she did do IVF shouldn’t she have been more excited to find an IVF sister? Did my pgd testing go against her beliefs somehow? Was I being too sensitive? I was thinking all of this in the 5 seconds of silence in the room when she finally said “Well, it’s amazing what they can do nowadays anyway.” and that was that.

Yes, I did cry a little in the car. The first time I wanted to share this triumphant story and it wasn’t received how I expected. I was baffled.

My third opportunity was with the HR director. I sent her an email asking a few questions about the school’s leave policy and she set up a meeting for us to discuss. She’s really lovely. The conversation was great, we both had smiles on our faces throughout. Mostly because the school’s parental leave policy is pretty fantastic considering the US’s stance on maternity leave. And once we ironed out all the details the questions started coming. It was time. I started getting nervous and excited, then it happened exactly as scripted in my head.

“Do you know what you’re having?”

“Yes, it’s a boy”

“Oh my goodness, how lovely”

“Thank you! We did IVF so we found out very early on”

*continues to smile, does not break eye contact, keeps nodding slowly searching for words*

“So you had a hard road getting here, huh”

“Yes ma’am, a hard long road but we did it”

“Well, I’m so very happy for you”

Yes!! I did it! This exchange was much better. I was very happy. But it didn’t last long.

I started thinking about those awkward few seconds when people have to think of something to say. Is it fair for me to put them through this? If they don’t answer satisfactorily does that change my perception of them? Why was I doing this? Is it something that people need to know?

For me, personally, I want people to know that not every pregnancy is wham bam, thank you ma’am. I would like for someone who is struggling to know that they’re not alone. I want to break the silence. And mostly importantly, it’s my story and it’s the story of my son and it’s sad and it’s rough but, damn it, it’s mine, it’s awesome and I’m proud of it.

So right now I’m torn. Do I protect people’s fragility and innocence when it comes to reproduction? Do I respect my husband’s want for a little bit of privacy? Or do I break the silence and stay true to myself?

Our House…

… is a very very very old house. 🙂

Let’s start by saying that my husband despises our house with the fire of a thousand suns. I’m not as vitriolic when I think about our house. I’m happy to have a roof and it’s really small so very easy to clean but it’s definitely not ideal.

I think he hates it because it was a house he didn’t really want to begin with. It’s a real fixer-upper that he bought with his girlfriend at the time and they bought in a town that she chose because she wanted to be closer to her family. But then they broke up and he got stuck with this house that he never wanted and I don’t think she even lives in town anymore which is a little funny. Another thing is that the house is said to have been built in the 1800’s so eeeeverything is old and so terribly skew. It’s really fun fixing a house that defies the laws of physics.

Our plan is to overhaul the entire place so that we can sell it and find something with more room. It’s just been so long. We started working on it mmmaaybe 5 years ago and we’ve been in hiatus until now. We’ve done some good work though. I’ll walk you through what we have planned for each room and what’s already been done.

Kitchen: Thankfully the kitchen is done and it is perfect. N re-did it before we met and I absolutely love it! I think it makes living in the house bearable since it’s my favourite room of any house.

Dining Room: We finished this room last year or the year before I think. I remember painting doors outside while worrying about my 2nd embryo that had just been transferred. I think we did a really good job. Here are some before and afters.

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View from the kitchen: Lovely poo green walls (see wood paneling in the tv room. explained below)

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view from tv room into the kitchen: bedroom and bathroom on the right

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Jealous of the random pipes coming out of the wall and the lack of trim on the window?

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These are untouched before pics, just furniture removed. This is how we lived, with no trim.

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Demo. Love that wall paper.

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No curtains yet

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We added a door to the basement (the old door was in the tv room) and made pretty columns

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Yay for trimmed windows! (random pipes still taunting us)

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Can you guess my favourite addition to this room is?

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With furniture

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A final touch I added recently. Excuse the messy table. If you look closely you see our embryos in the frames. 🙂

TV Room:  We’ve put in new windows but we need new walls. We have lovely (*sarcasm) wood paneling on the walls that makes the room look incredibly small. We need to change the ceiling and add better lighting. Currently we have a broken light/fan combo that’s missing a blade because of a rambunctious game a boy and his cat were playing. And then we’ll need to trim it out as well. It doesn’t sound like a big job but we did the same thing in dining room and it took months and it was torturous because N is a perfectionist and I am not.

Bathroom: Oooh girl. This room is a disaster and oh so very tiny. Basically, if you stick your arms out and try to spin around you will touch everything. Yes your knees will knock into the toilet too. We don’t have tiles on the floor we have 80’s vinyl squares and a few of them are loose, so that’s fun. If you sit on the toilet your right side will be lovingly caressed by the shower curtain. This is especially nice when the curtain is wet. The previous owner, in his infinite house designing wisdom, managed to fit the window a quarter of the way into the shower area. Thank goodness for frosted glass. He also used non water resistant screws to screw in the shower wall. It looks great. Then we have a radiator with chipped paint that takes up a huge chunk of the room as well. Gorgeous. We have 5 more chipped paint radiators throughout the house so at least there’s a flow.

Needless to say, if we could bulldoze this room we could. Everything needs to be updated but I’m the most excited about it because the possibilities are endless.

Bedroom: Thankfully this room needs the least work. The windows are new and even though the walls and ceilings are uneven and warped-ish we’re just going to slap on new paint. The current orange walls and green trim that the ex painted it doesn’t match my…. anything really… why orange & green? We need a new light fixture too and it needs to be trimmed as well. This is supposed to be a kid’s room but we’re sleeping in it right now. N’s computer is there too. And it has to be said, we’re sleeping in an adult bunk bed. I’m not even remotely kidding. Most days I can ignore it but I really this is my biggest gripe with the house. I can’t wait to get a real grown up bed. With a headboard even.

Upstairs: Okay, this used to be just a storage and cat play area. It’s a big area that was awkwardly split into two rooms with shoddy carpeting that the cats mauled. We want this to be a master bedroom and we want to add a bathroom. So when we started this reno a few years ago we absolutely gutted it. We got a plumber and he put in the pipes for a shower, toilet and sink. We then started framing the bathroom and closet. And we put in new subfloor. There’s actually a funny story.

N and our friend B were putting in the subfloor one day. I was downstairs roaming about and I  heard a crash and right above my head a leg came crashing through the ceiling!! Then I heard B yell for N and two second later another crash and a second leg breaking through the ceiling! WTH!! N had slipped and fallen through and B went to save him and fell through as well. It was pretty funny. Anyway.

So we put the sub-floor down (worst job ever because skew house) and started on the insulation for the roof when N started having second thoughts. There wasn’t enough room up there for a master and a bathroom. He wanted a dormer put in. So we halted all renovations and put some thought into it. We thought for about 4 or 5 years. Yes, years. But we finally did it. We finally found someone to put in a dormer for us. It cost quite a bit but it will be so worth it. And and! He’s going to redo all the framing and the sub-floor. I’m so excited!!

They started on Tuesday and it’s coming along nicely so far. I’ll post some before and after pics of this when I download them off my phone 🙂

Other: We need new stairs going upstairs. They are awful. We need a new front door and stairs leading up to the house. And we need a complete overhaul of the outside area. A deck or something for curb appeal.

The goal is really to be out of the downstairs bedroom at least (and sleeping in a grown up bed!!). Right now we have no space for a permanent resident. Lordy, when I think about it all it makes me a little queasy but I am very excited to be picking up the reno again. I know I hated it when we were in the thick of it. N and I do not work well together. But when it’s done, it’s awesome.

I’ll be posting progress as we go so I hope you all like home reno blogs lol.

I’m going to do a quick Lucky Bean update below for anyone who is interested. Sorry this post has been a bit long.

 

 

 

 

*Lucky Bean Update*

 

We stopped all meds on the 26th. It was extremely nerve wracking and at that point I was still spotting. Not any noteworthy spotting but still spotting. I had a thought that it was the prenatal. The brand I was using had raspberry leaf in it which was playing on my mind for a while since it’s supposed to tone the uterus and might cause contractions. I became very wary of it and eventually just decided to stop and I grabbed the first prenatal I could find at Walgreens. A yucky gummy which I’m not happy with but whatever. And 2 days after quitting the other prenatal the spotting stopped. I have no idea if it’s related of course but let’s go with “mama knows best” on this one :).

I also bought myself a doppler and we’ve since used it 3 times with success each time. The first time at about 10.5 weeks. I can’t explain the feelings I had when we heard it. I can’t really explain any of my feelings. I think awe would best describe it. I still feel like I’m watching a movie and this isn’t really happening to us.

We had our first prenatal appointment on Friday. I was so nervous I was shaking on the drive there and then my IVF inspiration song came on the radio (Don’t Stop Believing by Journey) and I had a big relieved cry by myself. I think that was Lucky telling me that everything’s gonna be okay. That was a good cry.

The doctor is fantastic. She was extremely sensitive to our struggle and she was also knowledgeable on translocations which was a relief since I had to explain it to her nurse before she came in and didn’t want to do it again (no disrespect to the nurse though). The appointment itself was very quick. Nothing like an IVF clinic. They did a quick doppler check (HR 169), a pap smear, list of tests and a good, funny conversation all within about 20 minutes. N apologized to her for making likely making her work on Christmas. She laughed and said not to worry but we’re sure she’ll be in sunny Mexico that week anyway lol.

I didn’t get an ultrasound but I asked if we could but unfortunately they couldn’t schedule it for that day. We are going back in 2 weeks and we’ll get one then. She did ask if we wanted to come back in 2 or 4 weeks. We opted for 2 weeks but I felt pretty confident after leaving that I think we can stretch to 4 weeks after the next appointment…. I thhhink.

We opted to have the NIPT and another genetic test (results in about 7 days) and I’m starting to get nervous about it. She didn’t think we needed it because of PGD but we went for it anyway. She also tested me for a clotting disease. This was something she was worried about since my mom has DVT and it could be hereditary. I think our clinic tested me for clotting issues but I’m not sure.

She also wants me to do the 1hr glucose test before the next appointment. I felt like this is a bit early but it could be because I’m an oldie. And some ladies on instagram have heard of or had 2 glucose tests.

So all in all I am very happy we went this this doctor and this hospital. Almost everyone I know gave birth at the hospital and their stories were very reassuring. N was born there too. We made the right decision, I’m sure. It is going to take some getting used to the relaxed nature of this part of the journey. I’m used to regimented check ups and long dr’s appointments. The fact that I wasn’t given an exact date and time for the glucose test (and other tests) is strange. Everything is “as long as it’s between x and y weeks you’re good” and I’m used to “be there at 7am sharp or no baby for you”.

Oh and lastly, Dr P called me last week. This was another teary drive for me. He called to check in and to wish us all the best and asked us to please send birth announcement etc etc. I really wanted to email the entire team after our prenatal appointment to say thank you so I’m sad he called first. I don’t want him thinking I’m not grateful. I just wanted to make sure all was well. But it is what it is. I’m sending the email now.

Gosh I just realized how long this update was. This whole post in fact, phew.

Thank you for hanging in this long. This last month at work has been brutal and will continue to be brutal until after school closes on the 26th. So until then, my friends, I am sending you all my love and I’m thinking of all of you where ever you are in your journeys.

Thought’s on Lucky Bean’s Gender

I’m sorry that I seem to just be doing P updates and I sincerely apologize if this bring any of you any pain. I am trying to live in the moment but it’s not been easy as I still feel like I’m in a very terrible TWW so I’m still in turmoil most days.

I even bought a doppler yesterday. It’s supposed to come a few days before our OB appointment, which is a torturous 3 weeks away, June 9th. I went with a new clinic since my regular OB doesn’t do prenatal care :(. The doctor I chose delivered my friend, B’s son and I like the look of her. I hope to not use the doppler, though. I’m just trying to trust the process.

But on to gender news. The nurse from the clinic sent us the gender in a letter on some sticky notes that I’ll have to remember to frame or at least put somewhere safe since the envelope is just on the dining room table waiting for a cat to destroy it.

Now I know we all have gender preferences, even if it’s slight. I know we all, as infertiles, want to be altruistic (not sure if that’s the correct word) and just so grateful for the opportunity but I know, for me personally, I always had a preference for a boy.

For no good reason, mind you. I think mostly because I was a nightmare growing up and I didn’t want my chickens coming home to roost :). Silly right?

So when we found out the embryo transferred is male I was over the moon! So over the moon that I allowed myself to put some baby boy clothes in my H&M shopping cart. We’ll save the actual buy for much later on.

Then over the next couple days all the little girls in my life just became extra cute and funny. Not that they weren’t before, of course, it was just story after story that made me think about not having a girl.

First, we went out to dinner with our friends who have a 3yr old girl who is extremely verbose and hilarious. She’s in the honest phase too which is always funny. Her dad told us that he was walking around the house without a t-shirt on and she looked at him and said “Daddy you have yucky fur”. She also gives him a hard time about wearing shorts around the house because of his hairy legs. She asks him to put pants on.

Then my brother sent us a picture of a sign that my 8 year old niece put on her bedroom door that said “Do NOT come in. I am crying.” because my brother didn’t buy her any sweets when he went shopping. She’s so dramatic, I love her.

The next day on Facebook my bestie posted a picture of her 2yr old daughter watching herself crying in the mirror. I laughed so hard and I’m still chuckling at this. What a character.

And then over the weekend my sister-in-law sent us a picture of my aforementioned niece with a very sad look on her face with her arm fully bandaged and in a makeshift sling made by daddy. They were play wrestling and someone fell on her poor arm… Twice. She was distraught but otherwise not seriously hurt. My poor diva angel.

So all of this made me pretty sad about not having a girl. I love how dramatic they are. My niece, in particular, is so funny with her antics. She’s full of stories.

She’s the only girl cousin. She has a brother and my other brother has a son. And my sister-in-law’s sister has two boys. In fact, in our circle of friends we only have about 4 girls out of about 15 kids. It would have been nice to help even out the playing field.

So while I’m excited and relieved I did experience sadness at not having a little daddy’s girl. I mentioned to N about being a little bummed and all he said was “Hey, you never know, Lucky Bean could be a big diva too.”