Quarter’s End

Q

Boy, do I suck at this lol… But I have an excuse! It’s end of quarter at the school which is craaaazy so I’ve been working way to hard to think about blogging or life. But it’s quieted down a bit so expect a few posts a day so I can catch up on this before the end of the week. I apologize for bogging down your emails if you’re subscribed :).

So this past week I missed a deadline. A big deadline. My first big eff up at the new job. I was expecting to be fired but my boss just sat with me and we had a teaching moment discussion. I still felt completely rotten for most of the day but my boss’s demeanor didn’t change with me throughout the day and we had a few laughs after about other stuff.

It got me thinking about how good it feels to finally have a good manager. I was reminded of my last job where I also made one eff up and the meeting I was subjected to felt like a congressional hearing.

I’m not making excuses for myself but at this stage the company was going through a merger and we got new software that everyone was trying to wrap their heads around. It wasn’t a good time since we were still having to process work in the old system while trying to process new jobs in the new system. Things are bound to fall through the cracks. Also while all of this was going on procedures were changing with how projects were run. Procedures that we got little to no training on. Just a quick mention in meetings. One of these procedural changes was just a quick checking of a checkbox that we’ve never previously done. Unfortunately, this checkbox, if it wasn’t checked had knock on effects down the road. Effects that wouldn’t be picked up unless it was looked for specifically but effects that messed up data that was presented to clients. Whoops. Guess who wasn’t checking that checkbox for about 10 projects.

I’ll never forget the day. I only reported to one manager but there are 3 in the office. bare in mind that I was also a manager like the other two, though they were a bit more senior than I was. I was called in and had to sit across from the 3 of them and had to answer questions about this egregious error. I felt like a dumb child being spoken down to. “How could you let this happen?” “Walk me through your thought process, step by step”.

I felt terrible. My punishment was that I was to send and “apology” email to all the customer service guys who worked on the projects and I had to fix the error and resend data reports.

But the more I thought about it the more angry I got and I couldn’t understand why such a big deal was being made about it. Mostly because everyone in customer service seemed unconcerned and thankfully none of the reports had been presented yet so crisis averted right?

I think I know why such a big deal was made. This wasn’t an issue of negligence it was an issue of a broken system and lack of training. Things were changing so rapidly that upper management had no time to set up proper training sessions. I won’t go into details of how things were coming apart at the seams. Things have calmed down now and are a lot smoother, I’m sure, but those few months were awful and a lot of people jumped ship so they had to deal with that as well. Anyway, I think my boss knew that I wasn’t fully to blame and she didn’t want any push back from me so she called in her 2 buddies to back her up in case I fought with her. Luckily for them I’m a pushover and I took all the berating. Also for the rest of the day my boss just seemed moody with me. Ugh that’s a tale for another day though. I should start a whole new blog to tell stories about that old job. You would be amazed and horrified.

Anyway, the point of this story was that having a good manager will make or break you. I’ve had my share of really awful and really great managers and I’m very happy to be going through this stage of my life (read: infertility) with a great one.

Pin Prick

P

I’m sure most of us can say that we’ve always wanted to be mothers. For me this was definitely the case. I don’t remember waking up and thinking I want to be a mom, it was just always a given. I just always remember saying “When I have kids….”

I was just thinking about something from that time that made me chuckle. It was round about the time my mother had her tubes tied. I think I was 8 or 9. I remember going to see her in the hospital and I think that’s when I became curious about having kids and I would ask her all sorts of questions about children and child birth etc.

One thing she said to me was that after she gave birth to all of us while she was in the hospital the nurses would come in everyday and prick her finger to test her blood. I assume it was for blood sugar levels or something, I don’t know. She said that it was the one thing she dreaded every morning. She’d given just given birth but the pin prick was the part she dreaded :).

But the way she described the pin prick to me really frightened me. I’m 35 now and I still remember being frightened. Would I have to endure daily, painful pin pricks while I’m at the hospital?

I remember lying awake and contemplating if having children was worth it. I remember squeezing the tip of my index finger and my thumbnail together really tight to feel what it could possibly feel like. I truly was shaken by the prospect. For a long time I was very sad that this is what I would have to do to have children. I didn’t know if I could do it.

I’d obviously recovered from the shock but recently this memory popped into my head and it made me laugh.

Here I am, hundreds of pin pricks later, all in the pursuit of a child. I wish I could go back to that frightened child and hug her and say “Oh honey, you ain’t seen nothing yet…” Then I’ll laugh maniacally and walk away.

Okay, that probably won’t help but she’ll figure it out, she’s a tough cookie. *wink*

OBGYN

O

 

I’ve had a lot of crappy OB’s. I’m very happy now to have found one who I really like. I know that he doesn’t deliver babies anymore so I don’t know if he’ll fire me or not but for now I’m very happy with him.

I found Dr K through my mom-in-law. He’s at the same OB office as the guy I saw before him. He’s and older gentleman with the funniest grey mustache that’s curled perfectly on the ends, which some people might find creepy but I think makes him seem friendlier somehow. He’s really kind and always shakes my hand with both of his hands when he walks in and he holds my hand in his hands while he asks me about my life and how IVF is going. Again, some people might be awkward with personal contact like that but I thrive on it and I really like that he’s engaged in the conversation. He knows my first RE. They went to university together I think and he always had good things to say about him. And after every visit he always said that he really hopes next time he sees me will be for a pregnancy appointment. And the best part is that his pap smears don’t hurt at all. It might be because he talks to me through the whole thing so I’m distracted by answering questions.

But before him I thought I was doomed to get terrible gynecological help for the rest of my life.

My first gyno was obviously my mom’s gyno. Dr Y. He wasn’t terrible to me personally but I don’t think he was a good doctor overall. I went to him at the tender age of 15. I have a third nipple that started giving me trouble so he put me on the pill. I eventually just stopped taking it because I could never remember to take it. I had to go back to him at around 17 or 18 when I started getting period cramps from hell. Again, I was put on the pill and sent on my way. I never saw him after that but I stayed on the pill until my my mid 20s. See, he wasn’t overly terrible to me but I say he’s not a good doctor because he delivered my cousin’s daughter and didn’t realize that she had a significant tear. She figured it out herself after some painful trips to the bathroom. And with another friend of mine, he set her up for an elective cesarean for her second kid and I guess got his due date wrong and ended up taking him out too soon. Like weeks too soon. He was in the nicu for a stint. Shocking.

The second one was just a ghost. I made one appointment with her and never saw her. The office cancelled the appointment twice because of emergency deliveries and always scheduled the next appointments months later. I just gave up.

Then came Dr M, a recommendation from my sister-in-law. He also wasn’t the worst but I believe he did an unnecessary surgery. At this point I’d been off the pill for about a year and I went to see him for some abdominal pain. Turns out I had 3 cysts. They were about 3cm each so quite big and he did a full laparotomy on me to drain the cysts. I didn’t know any better but every doctor I spoke to after that said they would never have done major surgery like that for 3 cysts. But it is what it is. I am now cyst free and haven’t had a problem since. With cysts anyhow.

Afterwards there was another female, Dr Y. She was awful. I went to her first to get a new pill that wasn’t Yaz. So she put me on something else. I went to her 3 times after that to change pills because I couldn’t find one that agreed with me and every time she tried to put me back on Yaz. Okay, look I understand the doctors see too many patients to remember everyone but would it kill you to check the chart before you walk in? And every time I said I don’t want to be on Yaz she seemed exasperated like I was being difficult. And the last time I went to her, after suggesting Yaz she suggested the first pill she put me on. I was baffled. Was I being difficult or was she not being thorough? Either way, I didn’t stick around to find out.

Then this last doctor, Dr G. Wow. I found him on a google search for the best gyno’s in my area but my goodness. First thing that should have given me a clue is that he was also a doctor at a plastic surgery clinic so I feel like his heart wasn’t in gynecology or something. He never remembered me either, which is fine. By this stage I’d learned to not expect much bedside manner from gynecologists. But when we decided to start infertility testing I was waiting on the table going over in my head what I would say about our situation and he walked in all cheerful and asked “So have you felt the baby kick yet?”. I had the most confused look on my face and he looked at this chart then laughed and walked back out. He came back shortly after and said he walked into the wrong room. I was probably very sensitive at the time but geez louise guy, check the chart! The second thing he did was the way he handled our infertility. I posted about it before but he said that I wasn’t ovulating after taking blood work on the wrong day of my cycle and he suggested an IUI while knowing N’s semen analysis results. I never got a good vibe from him so I’m glad I peaced out.

And I think that was the last of the crappy doctors. Dr K might not be perfect but he’s pretty damned close compared these other guys. I’m so happy that I may have some good news next time I see him.

No Happiness Allowed

N

We’re almost out of the woods and everything is going really well so far. My beta today more than doubled and I don’t have to go back until next Monday for a final beta. I assume them moving it to next week means they’re feeling confident so that makes me feel good and I even dared to change the settings on my period tracker app.

I really wish I was able to enjoy the tww. I understand that no one finds joy in the two week wait but this one was  quite particularly difficult.

From day 4 on I started feeling symptoms that I’d never felt before. Even with the ERA when I was on progesterone and estrogen for 10 days I felt nothing like this.

In my heart of hearts I knew this was different. I just knew this was it but with every wave of nausea, with every cramp that made me double over, I just kept asking myself why? why would this round be any different? Yes we changed protocols but that embryo. It’s the same as the other two that were transferred. Don’t you dare be happy. Don’t you dare.

In fact we did the same protocol as round two and my round two embryo was a better graded embryo than this one. That one was hatching. Why would this embryo take?

Remember all the shit you ate this past month? Remember all the drinking? Remember that bad thought you had about that person? You don’t deserve this. This is not it.

These negative thoughts left me in tears at least once everyday. I was a mess. I don’t remember the other two being this hard.

Even after the beta. We told everyone who knew about the transfer (basically all of my friends and family) and that night we went out for N’s cousin’s bday and he told his brother and cousin. His cousin then told everyone at the party (shocked face). I mean it is what it is. I’m not mad at all but the following morning both us were thinking “What have we done?”.

Again that nagging voice came. Don’t you dare be happy. Don’t you dare! Why would you tell people? Good things don’t happen to you.

Today I spent the day with my friend and waited all day until N got home so that we could listen to the latest beta voicemail. Today was the first time I breathed I think. A tiny little quiet breath.

The voice is still there “Seriously dude, no happiness for you”, but it’s quieter now. I have a feeling it won’t ever go away. I think I’m forever scarred but I can ignore it on good days.

I have to actively ignore it. Everyone has been telling me to live in the moment and that helps. When I’m done with this post I may even download an actual app (recommendations welcome).

You haven’t won yet voice in my head. You’re 0 for 2 so far, so G…T…F…O… please.

Thank you everyone for the kind messages on my last post. I haven’t read everything yet but I will do so right now. And I hope everyone had a good Easter weekend.

Myyyy Goodness

M

Well, it’s good news. I’m still in shock. I might still be in shock for a few more months.

I know it’s only the first beta and I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I understand that this might be hard for someone to read so I want to be sensitive to that and truth be told, I’m very much in disbelief so writing this feels like it will be taken away.

I keep listening to the voicemail to make sure the nurse got the names right.

I also want to say thank you to everyone in this community. Thank you for the prayers and the positive thoughts and the crossed fingers. You are all appreciated so much. I love you all.

I’m trying to live in the moment. That’s the advice everyone is giving me so I’m taking it. I don’t know if my next beta will be good or not. I don’t want to think about it because

Today, it was good news.

If you’re reading this and you feel that pang in your heart. The pang we all know so well. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and I hope that you can find strength to get through this Easter holiday if you find it difficult.

❤ ❤

Last Night

We just the last progesterone shot and I took the last estrogen pills. 

It dawned on me that this could be our last meds for cycle. 

I’ve been up and down all day. I didn’t have work so I spent the day doing my hair and going shopping and wiping tears from my eyes. 

Sometimes excited tears when I imagine good news. Then sad tears when I think about bad news. 

I’ve had some symptoms which I’ll talk about tomorrow. I don’t want to jinx anything but they’re all progesterone symptoms anyway. 

And I’ve just started spotting. My period is due tomorrow so this could well be the end. 

I don’t know. 

But I am so happy to be getting off the crazy train tomorrow. 

Keto

K

So I’m a serial dieter. I’ve tried them all and they all suck. Even this one that I’m going to talk about kinda sucks.

After all my dieting I’ve come to realize that diets only work if you’re nuts and don’t enjoy food. Now I may be nuts but I also love food so I’m bound to fail all the time.

I mean there’s so much good food out there. Why are we denying ourselves? Diets make me so angry… But I digress.

If you don’t know what the ketogenic diet is you can do some reading here. But long story short, it’s just eating extremely high fat foods (avocado, dark meat chicken, cheese) and extremely low carbohydrates and moderate protein.

There are variations where you are just low carb and I think I fall somewhere in between when I’m going full on. I would say I’m about 90% keto at home. Meaning I only cook keto but every now and again I’ll buy some non-keto approved food. Like this week I made hot cross buns. I also don’t eat as much fat as most strict keto-ers and I don’t eat as few carbs as them either.

But truth be told, for me, keto works. When I work it, it works. And I’m not overly miserable. I’ve not lost a ton of weight on keto but I feel really good. When I fail then I feel awful. Carbs give me terrible heartburn and I always feel hungover after a binge. And let’s not get started on my tummy troubles.

I know this lifestyle is best for me and to try and keep myself accountable I’ve start a keto account on instagram for some pics. It really helps a lot. I have to post a meal at least 4-5 times a week to feel accountable.

 

The funny part is that the food pics are such a production. N gets so annoyed because I call him to dinner and then I make him watch as I place everything perfectly and I take a gazillion pics. We’ve eaten more than our fair share of cold meals.

Anyway, again, no real point to this. I just wanted to share some pics from my instagram account. I’ve been getting into it. I’m not professional but I’ve been toying with the idea of taking professional food photography classes. Right now I’m taking pics with my phone and N says I need to work on my backgrounds lol.

But here you go. Some pics from my account.

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Valentines day lobster

 

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Cheese platter with flax crackers and halloumi cheese (my heart)

 

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Keto pizza

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Keto waffles with bacon and homemade breakfast sausage

 

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Boneless leg of lamb yaaaa’ll

 

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low carb zuppa toscana

 

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Standard keto breakfast

 

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Duck breast with cauliflower puree and cheesy broccoli