My Last Two Week Wait

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who’s responded to my last post and gave their thoughts. You’ve all really made me feel better about how I’m handling being on this side of the fence. I did some thinking and what usually triggers me (even for a few seconds) is bump and ultrasound pics. I think those I’ll add to a separate page if anyone is interested to see (if I take any bump pics). My reasoning is mostly because this wasn’t intended to be a strict infertility blog. It was a “Life in my 30s” blog. Infertility just took over the last few years of it.

But please know that I will always try to be mindful of what I say and which words I choose. I hope that I can stay true to this blog and this part of the journey while still remaining sensitive and respectful. ❤

In this post I want to go into detail, with dates, about my TWW. I’m going to try my best to remember what happened both for myself and anyone who likes to compare symptoms. I also realized that I never posted my beta numbers and I enjoy comparing these to others as well.

Wednesday April 5, 2017: Transfer day.  Spent the day resting on the couch.

1dp5dt: Took this day off work as well and spent the day with my friend B and her son. I don’t remember too many details just that we watched Dave Chapelle on Netflix. No symptoms.

2dp5dt: Back at work. Spent most of the day Googling symptoms. Shocked at how many women have symptoms on day 2. Granted they could be progesterone but still. I had nothing.

3dp5dt: Still no symptoms. We went to our friends’ daughter’s 3rd birthday party and spent the day with them afterwards. It was a great distraction. Plus pizza and cake!

4dp5dt: Woke up in the middle of the night by what felt like a panic attack. I felt a strong wooshing feeling through my body. I could even hear it in my ears it was so weird. Then I got an instant hot flash (flash or flush? anyway) and had to throw the blankets off my and my heart was pounding. It was a little scary but I remember reading about this in one of the forums. Could this be it? The rest of the day I felt unrested and sluggish but no other real symptoms. Obsessively Googling. This was also the day N and I went on that quick hike and I was attacked by that tick.

5dpd5dt: Half way! Feeling normal again. Distraught. Decide to start getting into the Easter spirit with baking and food prep. I remember this being the worst day and being quite weepy.

6dp5dt: Another symptom-less day at work. On the drive home an extremely sharp pain runs across my abdomen and down to my lady bits. It took my breath away and I even had to take my foot off the gas and hunch over. Something clicked right then and I began talking to my child. “Oh my goodness, that’s you isn’t it? You sure took your sweet time but thanks for that, little one”. I’ll never forget this day.

7dp5dt: Tiny little lower abdomen twitches about every 2 hours or so. Absolutely no other symptoms. I rubbed my tummy and talked to my embryo all day. We were in this together.

8dp5dt: I couldn’t tell if this is nausea or if I was making it up it was so mild. But my boobs were starting to ache. Something like just before my period and it was almost period time. I was also having more discharge. Another “almost period time” symptom. I’m feeling despondent.

9dp5dt: Easter Friday. Day off work. N had to work. I had planned to visit B again but she fell ill. I was quite bummed not knowing how to distract myself for the last day. I ended up sitting in the sun and reading and then went to search for a bottle of sparkling sake (saw it on Instagram) in case the cycle failed. My nerves were shot all day and I kept switching between begging and pleading and planning our next… our last cycle. It was not a good day to be alone. I found a giant bottle of sake. It wasn’t sparkling but it would do the trick. Watching TV with N that night, I got up to use the ladies. Brown spotting. It’s a strange place feeling your heart break and trying to be positive at the same time. The day before’s symptoms were increasing including the nausea and an added headache. I didn’t know what to think. I came out and told N about the bleeding. He had a worried look in my eyes and just said “oh no”. I climbed back under the blankets and we held hands and remained quiet the rest of the night.

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Saturday, April 15 – 10dp5dt: Beta day. I’m sad that most of this day, before and after the phone call, was a blur. I don’t remember what we ate for dinner or what the blood draw was like. But I know the appointment was at 7am. I drove up by myself and then N had to do a few work things so I drove around with him in his work van while we waited for the call. We went to a few boat yards and I was talking to my friends back home on Whatsapp all day. Everyone was on tenterhooks.  I remember stopping at Dunkin’ around 1pm and we got some bad food. We then went to his office so he could unload some stuff. I waited in the car for an hour just staring at my phone. I resolved to call them at 2 if I’d heard nothing. The closer we got to 2pm the more I was shaking. I ran to the toilet every few minutes for nervous farts and poops. Finally at 3 minutes past 2pm the call came through. I held my phone in my sweaty shaking hands until it went to voicemail. My eyes had tears in them already and I couldn’t shout to N to come because my voice would have cracked with emotion. He eventually joined me in the car and we took a few moments to collect ourselves. I told him I want to video tape our reactions. He reluctantly agreed. With his phone set on the dashboard he hit record and I hit play.
“Hi xxx, this is xxx from Dr xxx’s office just giving you a call with the results of your blood work today. Um, I am calling with good news. Congratulations, your result today was positive. So, we like to see the minimum level for HCG for this first test at at least 100, yours today was at 341. So a very good place to start. We always do subsequent blood draws to make sure that the level is rising so we do need you to come back in 2 days, that’s Monday morning for your next blood draw. I booked you in for 7:15 at the xxx office. In the meantime just continue your medication and we will see you in the office on Monday morning. If you have any questions we’ll be in the office until 2:30. Okay thanks. Bye bye.”

I didn’t really catch anything after 341 but I’ve listened to this voicemail enough times since. Most of the video is me with my mouth open and N laughing and then I just started crying and he hugged me and we kissed. Then we drove home in complete shock.

I on the drive home I sent the video to my family and my girlfriends back home and to B here and I was just in a daze for the rest of the day.

The day wasn’t perfect but close to it. N’s mom came over, she didn’t know that we had transferred this cycle and she was having a really tough time. One of her dogs, a black lab named Busta, had been really ill all week and he passed the night before our beta. She came over to drop something off but she was in tears telling us the story. It’s really heart wrenching. He was getting old and had hip problems. The vet gave her some medication for it but unfortunately the medication is lethal for some dogs. How this medication isn’t banned is another story. She was really a mess and we weren’t sure if we should give her some good news while she was grieving so badly. In the end N told her. She was over the moon so I’m glad we told her but I wonder if going from that sad to that happy that quickly is good. I don’t know if that makes sense.

12dp5dt: I spent this day with B and her son again. We went to the zoo. I think I was fine this day symptom-wise. My beta jumped up to 873. I was told that my next beta would only be a week later so I spent the rest of the week peeing on my wondfo’s every morning. My symptoms weren’t crazy so I needed other assurance. But so far so good.

19dp5dt: The before the the beta N and I went out for lunch and I had a virgin daiquiri. I’d never ordered one before and I was really excited. I think it was the first time I let my guard down a little bit and it felt good. My final beta before ultrasound was 11626. These betas were really reassuring, of course, but I did have that very scary bleed the next day so my guard was promptly reinstated. I remember the 3 weeks from this beta until the ultrasound being pure torture. I only started feeling real hard symptoms after the ultrasound. But getting this beta was a really good. I celebrated on this day.

And that’s the story of how I managed to allow a bottle of alcohol to go unopened for longer than a day.

It’s also the story of how my 10th embryo, my last embryo, found it’s way into my uterine wall and changed my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Long Overdue Update

HI!

It’s been a minute. My absence was purely due to either being insanely busy at work again or spending all my free time on the couch and I don’t think a running commentary of either was blog worthy.

But finally, movement on our side again which is great. IVF really is like sitting in traffic. You’re either completely at a standstill or you’re speeding through a cycle. There’s no happy medium. But I digress.

We had two appointments these past two weeks. One with the third urologist. Touted the best urologist this is side of the Miss’ipi (always wanted to use that line, not sure if I’m using it correctly). And the second with a new reproductive endocrinologist to get a second opinion.

When last I left off, I said that our previous RE had pretty much run out of ideas and was unwilling, at that stage, to move forward with another cycle until we got more answers and a possible second opinion. Our last cycle was a horrendous failure so we all agreed this was for the best.

Urologist:

This day was a mess. For some reason everyone in Boston was on the road and no one could get anywhere. N left the house at 5am to be at their clinic to do an SA at 7 and he was about 15 minutes late due to traffic. Our follow up would be 10:30 to discuss results. Thankfully, after the SA the nurse told him a lot of people hadn’t shown up and they’ll push our appointment to 9. So I rushed out of work at 8 (a mere 30min drive to Boston from my office) and only got to the clinic around 10!! And the doctor STILL only saw us at 10:30. geez!

Anyway, he seemed nice enough but I can’t say that I liked him very much. I won’t deny that he knows his shit though. I went into appointment with high hopes. I spoke to someone a few days prior whose husband had azoospermia and they did a TESE and got 6 vials! I was excited. I thought we’d won the world cup. Of course this wasn’t the case. The doctor was long winded in his explanations and he lost me a few times so some of this information might not be 100% accurate but this is what I got from that appointment.

  1. All the vitamins and supplements we’re taking aren’t doing anything, we’re wasting our time
  2. The Anastrozole N is taking for his count isn’t going to work. It affects a hormone that won’t increase count if that hormone is at the level it’s supposed to be (if that makes sense).
  3. TESE is not a viable option for us because there is sperm in the ejaculate. TESE is reserved for men with azoospermia or a blockage, so no sperm in the ejaculate.
  4. The sperm you have to work with is what it is. Good luck. Try a donor maybe because I see here your eggs are crap too.
  5. GTFO with your shitty sperm and eggs.

Okay so he wasn’t that harsh but it was hard to hear all my hopes get shot down one by one in an hour long conversation. The good news is that at our last retrieval they couldn’t really find anything to work with in N’s fresh sample, that’s why they used the backup sample and that day at the appointment his count was up to what it usually is. We suspect that it was the fact that he has strep throat about a month before we started the cycle but the doctor didn’t think so. I guess sperm just fluctuates and that retrieval day was a bad day. Another good thing is that N has to do another back up sample at our clinic so Dr O said he wants to get the notes of that sample and see if it’s worth using or if he should do another one. That way we’ll know that the backup sample is good if it’s ever needed again.

So that appointment sucked. It sucked a lot. I almost gave up. I didn’t speak to N much when we left and I feel bad about that but I didn’t know how to react at the time. I told all my friends and family that it’s not looking good for us. We’re not at the point where we want to consider donors yet and to have 2 doctors suggest donors was so hard. I cried a whole lot. I also felt like I was being a spoiled brat. I admire women who have gone the donor route. I think it takes courage and selflessness and I also felt like they deserved to be mom’s more because they wanted it more than anything. And here I am crying over the fact that I may never see what my husband and my children will look like. If they’ll have his light brown eyes or my curly hair. If they’ll have his laugh. If they’ll be loyal friends. Will I have to start them early in group activities to help with the shyness both of us struggle with. It was the first time I was really faced with the possibility of this dream not coming true and it scared and angered me. Having that dream slip through my fingers.

I cried most of that day during work and when I got home. I spoke to my husband and he said he didn’t think Dr O would have all the answers. He basically said that a urologist wasn’t the end all and be all. We’ve made embryos before, we can do it again. We just have to keep trying and we’re not out yet let’s see what the new RE says.

Over the next few days I was torn between putting all my hope in this new RE and thinking of what life will be like as a childless couple. When the appointment rolled around I was a mess with nerves. When we sat down he said that he wanted to go over our history and discuss some options and just the way he said it my heart sink. I thought this is it. I’ll never get to meet our biological children.

Reproductive Endocrinologist Second Opinion:

The appointment was at our regular clinic just with a new doctor. I kept seeing pictures of our previous RE and had to laugh at my misplaced guilt. I couldn’t look the pictures in the eye.

Dr P… I couldn’t get a read on him. He barely cracked a smile during the entire consult and I prefer that people at least smile when I deliver my funniest one liners. But nothing. He was soft spoken and spoke kindly and explained everything perfectly. So while he was very serious, he was everything you would need in a doctor. I often say that I don’t need a doctor to have good bedside manner as long as he got the job done I was a little bummed that her never smiled. I know this is crazy but I kept thinking that he was judging us for jumping ship with our old RE. Of course this isn’t the case based on what he was saying. Let me get right into it. There’s a lot of information and I forgot to write everything down.

  1. He is on board with vitamins and supplements and even wants us to increase Ubiquinol as it could help with embryo quality. This is huge to me and N. I know these things maybe probably don’t affect quality/quantity but I really don’t like when doctors dismiss them completely. It just bothers me.
  2. The fact that we’ve had 2 normal embryos in 4 cycles is pretty awesome considering our diagnosis. And we’ve made embryos before, we could likely do it again (note hubby’s words above)
  3. The fact that 2 normal PGD tested embryos (that have a 70% chance of attaching) had no implantation is a little baffling to him and it could be one of 3 things. 1. The labs effed up. 2. Something wasn’t picked up in the genetic screening. 3. something is up with my uterus.
  4. points 1 and 2 are unlikely since it happened twice. At least one of those embryos should have attached. So he’s interested in my uterus. I’ve had 2 HSG’s and 1 endo biopsy and everything is normal. So his next likely suspect is Progesterone. Dr G used vaginal progesterone which he thinks isn’t sufficient so he wants to try the PIO shots (Yay!). He also wants to know if maybe the amount of days I’m taking the progesterone is enough. Typically, you’re given about 15 days of progesterone and sometimes for some women that’s either too much or too little. To find out the answer to this question we’re going to do and ERA test (double yay!)
  5. You can find out about an ERA test here. But just a quick rundown. After our next retrieval cycle we’ll do a mock FET cycle with meds and then instead of a transfer we’ll do an endometrial biopsy (yuck!) and send the sample off to the lab in Spain. If it comes back “normal” then perhaps that means the PIO shots are working. If it comes back pre-receptive then we’ll add a day of Progesterone when we do the next transfer. Now from what I’ve read it sounds like you have to keep doing this test until you get a “normal” result. Dr P said we would only do it once and go from there. It makes sense and I really don’t want to keep paying for a test if we don’t have to because it’s not covered by insurance and will run us around $800-$1000. But yes we are on board and ready to go!
  6. I can’t remember if I have this right but I think he said that if the test comes back pre-receptive then we’ll add another day of PIO but if it comes back normal and we have 2 embryos to transfer, he will consider transferring 2. They typically do not transfer more than one PGD normal embryo but he thinks this could be an option.
  7. He doesn’t want me to do a lap to rule out endo. All these doctors seem to think that I am endo free. I was going to fight him on it but he said that there aren’t enough studies out there that say that removing endo will get you better quality eggs. I guess it depends who you ask but I won’t push the issue. He also said that since I’ve had 2 surgeries in that area (appendectomy and ovarian cystectomy), the doctors would have said something if they’d seen something. Granted there’s a chanced they didn’t see anything if they weren’t looking, but my cystectomy was a full laparotomy so I was completely opened up, it’s unlikely that surgeon missed any endo. I could of course go and search for those surgery reports to find out but I’m not sure it’s worth it and the surgeon who did my cystectomy has since passed away and those records are in South Africa somewhere. That would be a mission. So we’ll put a pin in this one for now.
  8. I did ask (and I’m so proud of me for asking everything) if whether he thought that foregoing PGD testing was a good idea. My reasoning being that we have so few embryos and I read one lonely article that said that some embryos self-correct and it made sense to just transfer what you have and pray for the best. He said that since we have a balanced translocation that most affected embryos would end in miscarriage and he wouldn’t want me to go through a miscarriage and also some miscarriages are more dangerous than others. So fine, that makes sense. I just thought I’d ask.
  9. If we get insurance consent in the next two weeks (fingers crossed) we can start our next cycle. We’re going to go back on the antagonist protocol with 300 Gonal-f and 150 Menopur. He said I respond well with this mix. And I think on this cycle we got 11 eggs and all of them fertilized. I’ll have to check my notes.
  10. His nurse is great I love her already but I’m so very sad to be leaving my nurse. Like really extremely sad. I never realized how important these people become.
  11. I have to come to terms with the fact that we are not ever going to have more than 3 embryos to test. He sounds like that’s the nature of the game with our diagnosis. It’s not great but it is what it is. I have been distraught because we start with double digits in egg counts and then have 3 or less measly embryos. I think if I just focus on a goal of 3 and make sure that I stay healthy to try and get the best 3 that there ever were, then we’ll be okay. Actually 3 to test isn’t a goal to focus on. I need to focus on 1 healthy normal embryo. I’m going to work hard for 1 healthy normal baby. That I can do.

Final thoughts:

A really good IVF friend recommended Dr P. She actually pushed me so hard despite my best efforts to resist change. I will forever be grateful to her for pushing. We both liked him a lot and I’m back to dreaming about who our children will look and be like. I’m beyond excited to start again. I just did the math and if everything goes swimmingly we will only be transferring around April (yikes!) which feels like forever away but at least things will be happening and balls will be rolling. I’m also scared. Knowing that our embryo yield isn’t going to be fantastic scares me. We only have 3 rounds left on insurance so we’re getting to do or die time. That thought is scary. But for now, excitement is winning.

This post was really long but I had a lot to cover. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I hope to not go into radio silence again until we actually do start again. Maybe I’ll do something exciting this weekend.

Until we meet again,

XX

CD 1 for real this time

Just a quickie update. CD 1 has arrived. No bells or whistles just very slowly, teasing me since Saturday afternoon. But nonetheless here it is.

My blood pregnancy test in on Saturday after which I’ll be on birth control until the 11th. Start stims on the 12th and tentative retrieval set for the 28th.

My endometrial biopsy is on Monday. I’m a little nervous about that but I’m trying to put it out of my mind for now.

I don’t have anything else to report. Sending you all loads of strength to get through tomorrow if you see any “I’m preggo” April fool’s jokes. Boycott Social media for the weekend I say. Safer that way.

Slow and steady wins the race

We’re now on day 11 of estradiol pills. I had a blood draw on Monday and my estrogen was at 71.8. They want to see it at around 50 so they were happy with that and bumped me up from 1mg twice a day to 2mg twice a day.

I had another draw on Friday and my estrogen was at 158 which she sounded happy about. They then bumped me up to 2mg 3 times a day which I’m to continue until they tell me to stop.

I don’t have any crazy symptoms. I’ve been sleeping really well that’s mostly it. I do feel a little dizzy from time to time but nothing out of the ordinary.

My only real symptom I notice is that I am bruising terribly from all the needles. Acupuncture too which is weird.

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Everything is moving along slowly but quickly too, if that makes sense. The days themselves are dragging but, my goodness, we have 10 days left. One more weekend and it’s transfer time. Maybe this will be the longest week of my life.

Oh, I remembered another symptom that can be attributed to the asprin probably. I can’t drink anymore, which is greeeaaat! I’ve been trying to drink but I get tipsy way too quickly and not in a good way. I actually had to hand over my beer to the hub last night. Bittersweet.

Okay, I made him go get me cheesecake in the snow earlier and now it’s cheesecake time.

Mwah! Check in after my Wednesday blood work and ultrasound appointment!

Imagine a Protective Bubble, If You Will…

So I think before I mentioned that I’m really superstitious. But I tend to invent my own superstitions based on my past.

Firstly, I don’t write my husband’s name or me new last name when I’m doodling. The reason is that in the past as soon as I’ve lovingly doodled the name of whomever I’m dating, the relationship came to an end very shortly afterwards. Within days… it’s clearly linked to me writing their name on a piece of paper. I haven’t written my husband’s name once and look how far we’ve come… Just sayin’…

I also don’t save my husband’s name under a pet name on my phone. Again, any written confirmation of a relationship spells doom. I always did this in the past and noticed that my brother didn’t do it with his wife and their relationship is perfect. The only reason they’ve been together for over 10 years is because of this fact :).

And lastly and I’m not even sure if this qualifies as a superstition… I don’t tell anyone about when big tests come up where I have the potential to fail. I’m sure this isn’t that weird though but it’s rung true for me for a long time. So much so that my friends have adopted this one when I tell them to. I passed my drivers license test on the first try after not telling anyone except Mum because she paid and after my friend failed her driver’s test 5 times I told her to tell no one the 6th time  and she got it after that. 3 of my friends since then have passed their driver’s test on this theory so I believe in this one wholeheartedly.

I’ve also applied this to job interviews. I was unemployed for a year and a half when I got here and after countless failures when I came to this final interview I told no one except my husband and I was a shoe in.

And again, before that with regards to getting my green card. I told no one about my interview to get the 2 year green card which went off without a hitch. But then when I applied for my 10 year green card I told everyone and we got an RFE. That’s when they send you a letter to insinuate  that they think you’re lying about something on your application and they need more evidence to prove you’re not. I eventually got the green card after this but I was upset that I hadn’t stuck to my guns.

Of course, there’s not scientific evidence to prove any correlation but I think, practically, it has to do with the fact that the less people who know the less pressure you’re under. Whatever the reason, it seems to have worked in my life thus far.

I’m sure you know where this is going… We’ve decided to keep the FET process between just the 2 of us. Partly because of my superstition and partly because I’ve been very open about everything thus far with my friends and family and N and I haven’t really had much privacy throughout and while I’m okay with it, I think he would appreciate it.

I’ve also been going through a dark time as well, hence no real blogging and I hate to say this but I’ve had to unfollow some of my favourite blogs. Not unfollow, unfollow, but I’ve set it so that I don’t get instant emails anymore. Just until I can get a handle on my emotions. I’m feeling impatient and irritable and I need to go into protection mode for a while I think. I am also feeling not so confident about this FET and it’s exacerbating everything. My acupuncturist keeps repeating that I have to be as stress free and calm throughout this process as possible so I’m trying to follow that as best as I can.

Of course that means I won’t be blogging about the FET when it happens. I’ve said some things on my instagram account but I’m going to take an instagram break as well… if I can.

I think what I’m going to do is blog as we go along because I want to record it but I’ll start posting the blogs after we have the result.

Please know that I’m very happy for all the BFP’s but it’s hitting me a lot harder than I thought it would and it’s becoming a bit overwhelming. I’ll catch up on all the stories when I feel stronger.

Wishing everyone continued success. I hope we’ll be joining you soon. I love you guys and I know you get it :).

Sleepless in Massachusetts

I had a terrible night last night and I fear there will be more to come. My husband left me this morning. No not like that :). He’s gone to St John for work until Saturday (sorry, if you think that joke’s in poor taste). I have trouble sleeping when he’s not there so last night I was already tossing and turning thinking about the lack of sleep I’ll endure when he’s gone. So it was a mixture of bitter sadness and extreme excitement.

Excitement because of this. I was working in the tv room last night and I heard my husband call me from the bed room, “Hun, did we ever find out the sex of the embryo?”

“No, I think we’ll ask the Dr G if we get a positive”

“…Oh… I know what it is…”

“WHAT??!!!”

“Yeah, they sent us the results of the PGD test and I accidentally read it”

“Oh my God, you know what we’re having??!!!”

“Yes do you want to know?”

“Yes!!! … No!!!… hmm yes!… Wait, you actually know what we’re having”

“Yes! it’s right here”

“Oh my God, I don’t know. But I don’t want you to know if I don’t know. Dammit! I had a plan. Of course I want to know. Why would they send us this? Okay tell me. No wait! Okay yes. Argh… Yes! what is it”

“It’s a XXXXX”

Queue several OMG’s, uncontrollable laughter, some more OMG’s, a very happy chair dance and a perma smile for the rest of the evening. I must’ve read the sex over a few times just to let it sink in. I even think we agreed on a name. And by the time we got into bed I’d decorated the baby’s room and sent mental gender announcements to everyone. I had to reign myself in a little bit. Okay, N had to reign me in. I asked him if he was excited and he said we have a long way to go still and he was saving his excitement. I said he was right but right now at that moment we had a little XXXXX. He cracked a smile. I know he’s excited too.

I spent the rest of my sleepless night buying clothing, setting up play dates and counting baby toes in my head. I was quite a bipolar night. One minute was soaring amongst the clouds with other happy mothers the next minute I was inconsolable thinking how would I recover if this embryo didn’t take. Part of me wishes I didn’t know because if it doesn’t work I wouldn’t be as attached. But part of me is so happy because this is the farthest I’ve ever let myself go with my daydreams and plans and I’ve actually let myself enjoy it.

I know that we’re nowhere close to being out of the woods. But right now, today, as I’m sitting here I’m a mom to a little XXXXX and I’m pleased as punch.

one-day-at-a-time

Is it Friday yet?

It seems as if time has slowed down to an annoying drip, oh my goodness! I am well in the thick of PGD test result limbo and it’s no fun.

Amidst all this baby business I completely forgot to be excited about our upcoming trip next Friday. My dear friends from back home are getting married on the 6th and my parents have so lovingly bought us tickets to go home for 2.5 weeks. Tickets were bought before we started this round and right now is something we desperately need. Usually, I would be packed by now but I can’t seem to get excited. I need to have this band-aid ripped off. I’m very irritable too and I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. But that could be coming off hormones or the fact that I’m low carbing again. Picked up a pesky 6lbs and I would like to be rid of them before we leave. AF also arrived today so that could be a factor as well.

This not knowing is killing me. I’ve made my peace with either outcome but the not knowing is torture and it’s turning me into a grumpy bum.

Anyway, here are 10 things I should be excited about in the next 9 days.
1. Mum-in-law’s 5 desserts for 5 people at Thanksgiving. She is the dessert queen and she always makes too much and I love it! I hope she makes tiramisu again.
2. Possibly putting up the Christmas tree this weekend.
3. Buying a dress for the wedding and getting secret santa gifts (I love xmas shopping)
4. Going home after not seeing my family and friends for 2 years.
5. Meeting my newest nephew, who’s already crawling around, and kissing his fat cheeks forever.
6. Kissing my other niece and nephew’s cheeks until they cry
7. FOOOOOD FROM HOME!!!!
8. A wedding! I love weddings!!! and all (save for 1 or 2) my peeps being in one city for the first time in a loooong time. We only seem to get together at weddings now. *sigh* but it’s going to be epic.
9. Carling Black Label (my favourite beer from home)
10. I’m going to see my loves in 10 days!!!
Bonus 11… Airplane food. I’m probably the only human who loves airplane food. I don’t know if it’s the food itself or the fact that it’s the only thing about a 13hr plane ride that brings me any joy. Battling motion sickness for 13hrs is always a laugh.

Okay, not going to lie, that helped. I need to print that and put it somewhere where I can see it.

I definitely still have a huge cloud of infertility hanging over me but I fully intend to ignore the shit out it the minute we leave the RE’s office next Wednesday at our follow up.