Is it Friday yet?

It seems as if time has slowed down to an annoying drip, oh my goodness! I am well in the thick of PGD test result limbo and it’s no fun.

Amidst all this baby business I completely forgot to be excited about our upcoming trip next Friday. My dear friends from back home are getting married on the 6th and my parents have so lovingly bought us tickets to go home for 2.5 weeks. Tickets were bought before we started this round and right now is something we desperately need. Usually, I would be packed by now but I can’t seem to get excited. I need to have this band-aid ripped off. I’m very irritable too and I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. But that could be coming off hormones or the fact that I’m low carbing again. Picked up a pesky 6lbs and I would like to be rid of them before we leave. AF also arrived today so that could be a factor as well.

This not knowing is killing me. I’ve made my peace with either outcome but the not knowing is torture and it’s turning me into a grumpy bum.

Anyway, here are 10 things I should be excited about in the next 9 days.
1. Mum-in-law’s 5 desserts for 5 people at Thanksgiving. She is the dessert queen and she always makes too much and I love it! I hope she makes tiramisu again.
2. Possibly putting up the Christmas tree this weekend.
3. Buying a dress for the wedding and getting secret santa gifts (I love xmas shopping)
4. Going home after not seeing my family and friends for 2 years.
5. Meeting my newest nephew, who’s already crawling around, and kissing his fat cheeks forever.
6. Kissing my other niece and nephew’s cheeks until they cry
8. A wedding! I love weddings!!! and all (save for 1 or 2) my peeps being in one city for the first time in a loooong time. We only seem to get together at weddings now. *sigh* but it’s going to be epic.
9. Carling Black Label (my favourite beer from home)
10. I’m going to see my loves in 10 days!!!
Bonus 11… Airplane food. I’m probably the only human who loves airplane food. I don’t know if it’s the food itself or the fact that it’s the only thing about a 13hr plane ride that brings me any joy. Battling motion sickness for 13hrs is always a laugh.

Okay, not going to lie, that helped. I need to print that and put it somewhere where I can see it.

I definitely still have a huge cloud of infertility hanging over me but I fully intend to ignore the shit out it the minute we leave the RE’s office next Wednesday at our follow up.

I love Mac and Cheese

And then there were 2… The last of our batch to make it to blastocyst stage to be biopsied. They’re now frozen and we’re in the last phase of waiting to find out if this cycle was a bust or if I could potentially be pregnant before the end of the year.

It was a bit of a hard pill to swallow and I was a crying mess yesterday after the call. The geneticist had told us a few weeks ago that we have a 25% chance of getting a good embryo so my statistical mind is thinking that this cycle is a bust. The way I see it is that if we even get 1 good embryo it’ll be a miracle. Now, I know miracles happen everyday and I just have to keep the faith but I’m struggling with that a little. I’m lucky to have my people have that faith right now when I can’t. Maybe tomorrow.

We still have 1 more round (either retrieval or transfer) covered by insurance which, by what is the common theme out there, is a miracle in itself. I’m extremely thankful that we can do this again so, while I’m bummed we’re 75% out of this one, I know it’s not even close to the end of the road.

While I was having my mini breakdown, my husband kept saying, “We still have 2, there’s nothing to worry about and even if they don’t make it we can try again. Most people don’t get that opportunity.” This made me immediately feel silly for crying but in my defense, I have been holding in a lot of emotion since we started this cycle. I was even surprised at my lack of emotion throughout the process. I think my body just gave in. I’m well known for keeping my feelings to myself, I was bound to crack.

I had told my work bestie the news amidst my tears and a big glass of champagne and I mentioned that I wanted to name them. I came up with Thunder and Lightning or Helter and Skelter and she, in her infinite knowledge of things that I love, came up with Mac and Cheese. I knew were friends for a reason :).

I went for a run this morning and all I thought about was my two little frozen kiddos, Mac and Cheese. I feel bad for giving up on them last night (and most of today). I’m definitely in a better place. These guys need me to believe in miracles again. I owe them that much. I love them very much already, I can’t give up on them just yet.

To anyone going through some tough times, try to have faith, try to believe in miracles. It’s all we have…. That and wine… we have wine… CHEERS!