Slow and steady wins the race

We’re now on day 11 of estradiol pills. I had a blood draw on Monday and my estrogen was at 71.8. They want to see it at around 50 so they were happy with that and bumped me up from 1mg twice a day to 2mg twice a day.

I had another draw on Friday and my estrogen was at 158 which she sounded happy about. They then bumped me up to 2mg 3 times a day which I’m to continue until they tell me to stop.

I don’t have any crazy symptoms. I’ve been sleeping really well that’s mostly it. I do feel a little dizzy from time to time but nothing out of the ordinary.

My only real symptom I notice is that I am bruising terribly from all the needles. Acupuncture too which is weird.

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Everything is moving along slowly but quickly too, if that makes sense. The days themselves are dragging but, my goodness, we have 10 days left. One more weekend and it’s transfer time. Maybe this will be the longest week of my life.

Oh, I remembered another symptom that can be attributed to the asprin probably. I can’t drink anymore, which is greeeaaat! I’ve been trying to drink but I get tipsy way too quickly and not in a good way. I actually had to hand over my beer to the hub last night. Bittersweet.

Okay, I made him go get me cheesecake in the snow earlier and now it’s cheesecake time.

Mwah! Check in after my Wednesday blood work and ultrasound appointment!

Imagine a Protective Bubble, If You Will…

So I think before I mentioned that I’m really superstitious. But I tend to invent my own superstitions based on my past.

Firstly, I don’t write my husband’s name or me new last name when I’m doodling. The reason is that in the past as soon as I’ve lovingly doodled the name of whomever I’m dating, the relationship came to an end very shortly afterwards. Within days… it’s clearly linked to me writing their name on a piece of paper. I haven’t written my husband’s name once and look how far we’ve come… Just sayin’…

I also don’t save my husband’s name under a pet name on my phone. Again, any written confirmation of a relationship spells doom. I always did this in the past and noticed that my brother didn’t do it with his wife and their relationship is perfect. The only reason they’ve been together for over 10 years is because of this fact :).

And lastly and I’m not even sure if this qualifies as a superstition… I don’t tell anyone about when big tests come up where I have the potential to fail. I’m sure this isn’t that weird though but it’s rung true for me for a long time. So much so that my friends have adopted this one when I tell them to. I passed my drivers license test on the first try after not telling anyone except Mum because she paid and after my friend failed her driver’s test 5 times I told her to tell no one the 6th time  and she got it after that. 3 of my friends since then have passed their driver’s test on this theory so I believe in this one wholeheartedly.

I’ve also applied this to job interviews. I was unemployed for a year and a half when I got here and after countless failures when I came to this final interview I told no one except my husband and I was a shoe in.

And again, before that with regards to getting my green card. I told no one about my interview to get the 2 year green card which went off without a hitch. But then when I applied for my 10 year green card I told everyone and we got an RFE. That’s when they send you a letter to insinuate  that they think you’re lying about something on your application and they need more evidence to prove you’re not. I eventually got the green card after this but I was upset that I hadn’t stuck to my guns.

Of course, there’s not scientific evidence to prove any correlation but I think, practically, it has to do with the fact that the less people who know the less pressure you’re under. Whatever the reason, it seems to have worked in my life thus far.

I’m sure you know where this is going… We’ve decided to keep the FET process between just the 2 of us. Partly because of my superstition and partly because I’ve been very open about everything thus far with my friends and family and N and I haven’t really had much privacy throughout and while I’m okay with it, I think he would appreciate it.

I’ve also been going through a dark time as well, hence no real blogging and I hate to say this but I’ve had to unfollow some of my favourite blogs. Not unfollow, unfollow, but I’ve set it so that I don’t get instant emails anymore. Just until I can get a handle on my emotions. I’m feeling impatient and irritable and I need to go into protection mode for a while I think. I am also feeling not so confident about this FET and it’s exacerbating everything. My acupuncturist keeps repeating that I have to be as stress free and calm throughout this process as possible so I’m trying to follow that as best as I can.

Of course that means I won’t be blogging about the FET when it happens. I’ve said some things on my instagram account but I’m going to take an instagram break as well… if I can.

I think what I’m going to do is blog as we go along because I want to record it but I’ll start posting the blogs after we have the result.

Please know that I’m very happy for all the BFP’s but it’s hitting me a lot harder than I thought it would and it’s becoming a bit overwhelming. I’ll catch up on all the stories when I feel stronger.

Wishing everyone continued success. I hope we’ll be joining you soon. I love you guys and I know you get it :).

Sleepless in Massachusetts

I had a terrible night last night and I fear there will be more to come. My husband left me this morning. No not like that :). He’s gone to St John for work until Saturday (sorry, if you think that joke’s in poor taste). I have trouble sleeping when he’s not there so last night I was already tossing and turning thinking about the lack of sleep I’ll endure when he’s gone. So it was a mixture of bitter sadness and extreme excitement.

Excitement because of this. I was working in the tv room last night and I heard my husband call me from the bed room, “Hun, did we ever find out the sex of the embryo?”

“No, I think we’ll ask the Dr G if we get a positive”

“…Oh… I know what it is…”

“WHAT??!!!”

“Yeah, they sent us the results of the PGD test and I accidentally read it”

“Oh my God, you know what we’re having??!!!”

“Yes do you want to know?”

“Yes!!! … No!!!… hmm yes!… Wait, you actually know what we’re having”

“Yes! it’s right here”

“Oh my God, I don’t know. But I don’t want you to know if I don’t know. Dammit! I had a plan. Of course I want to know. Why would they send us this? Okay tell me. No wait! Okay yes. Argh… Yes! what is it”

“It’s a XXXXX”

Queue several OMG’s, uncontrollable laughter, some more OMG’s, a very happy chair dance and a perma smile for the rest of the evening. I must’ve read the sex over a few times just to let it sink in. I even think we agreed on a name. And by the time we got into bed I’d decorated the baby’s room and sent mental gender announcements to everyone. I had to reign myself in a little bit. Okay, N had to reign me in. I asked him if he was excited and he said we have a long way to go still and he was saving his excitement. I said he was right but right now at that moment we had a little XXXXX. He cracked a smile. I know he’s excited too.

I spent the rest of my sleepless night buying clothing, setting up play dates and counting baby toes in my head. I was quite a bipolar night. One minute was soaring amongst the clouds with other happy mothers the next minute I was inconsolable thinking how would I recover if this embryo didn’t take. Part of me wishes I didn’t know because if it doesn’t work I wouldn’t be as attached. But part of me is so happy because this is the farthest I’ve ever let myself go with my daydreams and plans and I’ve actually let myself enjoy it.

I know that we’re nowhere close to being out of the woods. But right now, today, as I’m sitting here I’m a mom to a little XXXXX and I’m pleased as punch.

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Is it Friday yet?

It seems as if time has slowed down to an annoying drip, oh my goodness! I am well in the thick of PGD test result limbo and it’s no fun.

Amidst all this baby business I completely forgot to be excited about our upcoming trip next Friday. My dear friends from back home are getting married on the 6th and my parents have so lovingly bought us tickets to go home for 2.5 weeks. Tickets were bought before we started this round and right now is something we desperately need. Usually, I would be packed by now but I can’t seem to get excited. I need to have this band-aid ripped off. I’m very irritable too and I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. But that could be coming off hormones or the fact that I’m low carbing again. Picked up a pesky 6lbs and I would like to be rid of them before we leave. AF also arrived today so that could be a factor as well.

This not knowing is killing me. I’ve made my peace with either outcome but the not knowing is torture and it’s turning me into a grumpy bum.

Anyway, here are 10 things I should be excited about in the next 9 days.
1. Mum-in-law’s 5 desserts for 5 people at Thanksgiving. She is the dessert queen and she always makes too much and I love it! I hope she makes tiramisu again.
2. Possibly putting up the Christmas tree this weekend.
3. Buying a dress for the wedding and getting secret santa gifts (I love xmas shopping)
4. Going home after not seeing my family and friends for 2 years.
5. Meeting my newest nephew, who’s already crawling around, and kissing his fat cheeks forever.
6. Kissing my other niece and nephew’s cheeks until they cry
7. FOOOOOD FROM HOME!!!!
8. A wedding! I love weddings!!! and all (save for 1 or 2) my peeps being in one city for the first time in a loooong time. We only seem to get together at weddings now. *sigh* but it’s going to be epic.
9. Carling Black Label (my favourite beer from home)
10. I’m going to see my loves in 10 days!!!
Bonus 11… Airplane food. I’m probably the only human who loves airplane food. I don’t know if it’s the food itself or the fact that it’s the only thing about a 13hr plane ride that brings me any joy. Battling motion sickness for 13hrs is always a laugh.

Okay, not going to lie, that helped. I need to print that and put it somewhere where I can see it.

I definitely still have a huge cloud of infertility hanging over me but I fully intend to ignore the shit out it the minute we leave the RE’s office next Wednesday at our follow up.

I love Mac and Cheese

And then there were 2… The last of our batch to make it to blastocyst stage to be biopsied. They’re now frozen and we’re in the last phase of waiting to find out if this cycle was a bust or if I could potentially be pregnant before the end of the year.

It was a bit of a hard pill to swallow and I was a crying mess yesterday after the call. The geneticist had told us a few weeks ago that we have a 25% chance of getting a good embryo so my statistical mind is thinking that this cycle is a bust. The way I see it is that if we even get 1 good embryo it’ll be a miracle. Now, I know miracles happen everyday and I just have to keep the faith but I’m struggling with that a little. I’m lucky to have my people have that faith right now when I can’t. Maybe tomorrow.

We still have 1 more round (either retrieval or transfer) covered by insurance which, by what is the common theme out there, is a miracle in itself. I’m extremely thankful that we can do this again so, while I’m bummed we’re 75% out of this one, I know it’s not even close to the end of the road.

While I was having my mini breakdown, my husband kept saying, “We still have 2, there’s nothing to worry about and even if they don’t make it we can try again. Most people don’t get that opportunity.” This made me immediately feel silly for crying but in my defense, I have been holding in a lot of emotion since we started this cycle. I was even surprised at my lack of emotion throughout the process. I think my body just gave in. I’m well known for keeping my feelings to myself, I was bound to crack.

I had told my work bestie the news amidst my tears and a big glass of champagne and I mentioned that I wanted to name them. I came up with Thunder and Lightning or Helter and Skelter and she, in her infinite knowledge of things that I love, came up with Mac and Cheese. I knew were friends for a reason :).

I went for a run this morning and all I thought about was my two little frozen kiddos, Mac and Cheese. I feel bad for giving up on them last night (and most of today). I’m definitely in a better place. These guys need me to believe in miracles again. I owe them that much. I love them very much already, I can’t give up on them just yet.

To anyone going through some tough times, try to have faith, try to believe in miracles. It’s all we have…. That and wine… we have wine… CHEERS!

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