My Last Two Week Wait

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who’s responded to my last post and gave their thoughts. You’ve all really made me feel better about how I’m handling being on this side of the fence. I did some thinking and what usually triggers me (even for a few seconds) is bump and ultrasound pics. I think those I’ll add to a separate page if anyone is interested to see (if I take any bump pics). My reasoning is mostly because this wasn’t intended to be a strict infertility blog. It was a “Life in my 30s” blog. Infertility just took over the last few years of it.

But please know that I will always try to be mindful of what I say and which words I choose. I hope that I can stay true to this blog and this part of the journey while still remaining sensitive and respectful. ❤

In this post I want to go into detail, with dates, about my TWW. I’m going to try my best to remember what happened both for myself and anyone who likes to compare symptoms. I also realized that I never posted my beta numbers and I enjoy comparing these to others as well.

Wednesday April 5, 2017: Transfer day.  Spent the day resting on the couch.

1dp5dt: Took this day off work as well and spent the day with my friend B and her son. I don’t remember too many details just that we watched Dave Chapelle on Netflix. No symptoms.

2dp5dt: Back at work. Spent most of the day Googling symptoms. Shocked at how many women have symptoms on day 2. Granted they could be progesterone but still. I had nothing.

3dp5dt: Still no symptoms. We went to our friends’ daughter’s 3rd birthday party and spent the day with them afterwards. It was a great distraction. Plus pizza and cake!

4dp5dt: Woke up in the middle of the night by what felt like a panic attack. I felt a strong wooshing feeling through my body. I could even hear it in my ears it was so weird. Then I got an instant hot flash (flash or flush? anyway) and had to throw the blankets off my and my heart was pounding. It was a little scary but I remember reading about this in one of the forums. Could this be it? The rest of the day I felt unrested and sluggish but no other real symptoms. Obsessively Googling. This was also the day N and I went on that quick hike and I was attacked by that tick.

5dpd5dt: Half way! Feeling normal again. Distraught. Decide to start getting into the Easter spirit with baking and food prep. I remember this being the worst day and being quite weepy.

6dp5dt: Another symptom-less day at work. On the drive home an extremely sharp pain runs across my abdomen and down to my lady bits. It took my breath away and I even had to take my foot off the gas and hunch over. Something clicked right then and I began talking to my child. “Oh my goodness, that’s you isn’t it? You sure took your sweet time but thanks for that, little one”. I’ll never forget this day.

7dp5dt: Tiny little lower abdomen twitches about every 2 hours or so. Absolutely no other symptoms. I rubbed my tummy and talked to my embryo all day. We were in this together.

8dp5dt: I couldn’t tell if this is nausea or if I was making it up it was so mild. But my boobs were starting to ache. Something like just before my period and it was almost period time. I was also having more discharge. Another “almost period time” symptom. I’m feeling despondent.

9dp5dt: Easter Friday. Day off work. N had to work. I had planned to visit B again but she fell ill. I was quite bummed not knowing how to distract myself for the last day. I ended up sitting in the sun and reading and then went to search for a bottle of sparkling sake (saw it on Instagram) in case the cycle failed. My nerves were shot all day and I kept switching between begging and pleading and planning our next… our last cycle. It was not a good day to be alone. I found a giant bottle of sake. It wasn’t sparkling but it would do the trick. Watching TV with N that night, I got up to use the ladies. Brown spotting. It’s a strange place feeling your heart break and trying to be positive at the same time. The day before’s symptoms were increasing including the nausea and an added headache. I didn’t know what to think. I came out and told N about the bleeding. He had a worried look in my eyes and just said “oh no”. I climbed back under the blankets and we held hands and remained quiet the rest of the night.

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Saturday, April 15 – 10dp5dt: Beta day. I’m sad that most of this day, before and after the phone call, was a blur. I don’t remember what we ate for dinner or what the blood draw was like. But I know the appointment was at 7am. I drove up by myself and then N had to do a few work things so I drove around with him in his work van while we waited for the call. We went to a few boat yards and I was talking to my friends back home on Whatsapp all day. Everyone was on tenterhooks.  I remember stopping at Dunkin’ around 1pm and we got some bad food. We then went to his office so he could unload some stuff. I waited in the car for an hour just staring at my phone. I resolved to call them at 2 if I’d heard nothing. The closer we got to 2pm the more I was shaking. I ran to the toilet every few minutes for nervous farts and poops. Finally at 3 minutes past 2pm the call came through. I held my phone in my sweaty shaking hands until it went to voicemail. My eyes had tears in them already and I couldn’t shout to N to come because my voice would have cracked with emotion. He eventually joined me in the car and we took a few moments to collect ourselves. I told him I want to video tape our reactions. He reluctantly agreed. With his phone set on the dashboard he hit record and I hit play.
“Hi xxx, this is xxx from Dr xxx’s office just giving you a call with the results of your blood work today. Um, I am calling with good news. Congratulations, your result today was positive. So, we like to see the minimum level for HCG for this first test at at least 100, yours today was at 341. So a very good place to start. We always do subsequent blood draws to make sure that the level is rising so we do need you to come back in 2 days, that’s Monday morning for your next blood draw. I booked you in for 7:15 at the xxx office. In the meantime just continue your medication and we will see you in the office on Monday morning. If you have any questions we’ll be in the office until 2:30. Okay thanks. Bye bye.”

I didn’t really catch anything after 341 but I’ve listened to this voicemail enough times since. Most of the video is me with my mouth open and N laughing and then I just started crying and he hugged me and we kissed. Then we drove home in complete shock.

I on the drive home I sent the video to my family and my girlfriends back home and to B here and I was just in a daze for the rest of the day.

The day wasn’t perfect but close to it. N’s mom came over, she didn’t know that we had transferred this cycle and she was having a really tough time. One of her dogs, a black lab named Busta, had been really ill all week and he passed the night before our beta. She came over to drop something off but she was in tears telling us the story. It’s really heart wrenching. He was getting old and had hip problems. The vet gave her some medication for it but unfortunately the medication is lethal for some dogs. How this medication isn’t banned is another story. She was really a mess and we weren’t sure if we should give her some good news while she was grieving so badly. In the end N told her. She was over the moon so I’m glad we told her but I wonder if going from that sad to that happy that quickly is good. I don’t know if that makes sense.

12dp5dt: I spent this day with B and her son again. We went to the zoo. I think I was fine this day symptom-wise. My beta jumped up to 873. I was told that my next beta would only be a week later so I spent the rest of the week peeing on my wondfo’s every morning. My symptoms weren’t crazy so I needed other assurance. But so far so good.

19dp5dt: The before the the beta N and I went out for lunch and I had a virgin daiquiri. I’d never ordered one before and I was really excited. I think it was the first time I let my guard down a little bit and it felt good. My final beta before ultrasound was 11626. These betas were really reassuring, of course, but I did have that very scary bleed the next day so my guard was promptly reinstated. I remember the 3 weeks from this beta until the ultrasound being pure torture. I only started feeling real hard symptoms after the ultrasound. But getting this beta was a really good. I celebrated on this day.

And that’s the story of how I managed to allow a bottle of alcohol to go unopened for longer than a day.

It’s also the story of how my 10th embryo, my last embryo, found it’s way into my uterine wall and changed my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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‘Twas the Night Before Beta

And all through the house, this girl was ready to go to bed at 4:30 because she’s so over this waiting game. Oh my gooood.

Over it. Over it. Over it. It’s anyone’s game at this stage. I think. I’m not as confident as I was before because I’ve had some time to mull over a negative result. Since I’ve been there before I kind of know what to expect so I’m just reliving those feelings and getting myself ready. I simply can’t wrap my mind around being pregnant. It’s strange. I keep thinking about hearing a positive beta. Or writing the words in text or my next post but my brain goes blank. I’d rather not think about it. Thinking about a negative beta just makes more sense. I guess because I’ve been there I think I’m just scared. Scared of the unknown I guess.

It’s going to be a long day but as soon as it’s time to clock out, I think I’m going to have a pretty awesome weekend regardless of the outcome. I’m quite proud of how plans turned out. The clinic opens at 6:30 and I’m going to be there bright and early. I’ll have them leave a voicemail and I’ll wait for N to come home to listen. He just walked in so it’ll probably be around this time tomorrow. Then we have dinner plans with friends. We haven’t seen them in a while so I’m really looking forward to it. Of course it’s a Groupon dinner so that’s even better.

Saturday we’re going to see Bill Burr. I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. I’m crawling out of my skin. I’m going to go ahead and say I’m more excited for Bill than I am for the Beta call. Bill won’t disappoint. Since it’s over an hour’s drive to go see him we decided to stay over so that’s another score!! And we’re going to eat out again. Seriously, any weekend where I get to eat out more than once is a great weekend in my book.

I realise that if it’s a positive beta they’ll want to do another draw on Sunday and we won’t be home then. I’ll just ask them to move it Monday. It might upset grumpy nurse but I’m okay with a Monday draw.

And that’s all I have for you today. Thank you everyone for keeping me sane during this TWW. Thanks for coming along for the ride. We’ve done all we can. This round was a lot smoother and a lot calmer and for that I’m grateful at least.

Cheers to our little hatchling! Good luck little baby. Mama’s proud of you either way.

5, 6 and 7dpt

So no one cared that I didn’t drink on Saturday :). To be fair I only knew 2 out of the 5 of us there so why would anyone question why I wasn’t drinking? I spent most of the night sipping on water and staring longingly at a beautiful block of blue cheese. It was actually a fun night considering that the host and I were the only 2 non-moms (we both have 3 cats each, that’s why I love her). I really enjoyed listening to them tell funny stories about their kids. Kids are great. I should try to have some… Oh wait.

Sunday passed without any excitement. I was a bit naughty and painted 2 doors outside. I figured what could be more ventilated than outside right? Of course if we get a negative I’ll of course blame the painting but at least I’ll have some pretty painted doors to look at and wipe my tears on.

Yesterday I had a cleaning at the dentist. I told gave her the list of medication I’m on. She asked why the aspirin and I explained about the IVF and she just smiled the smile of one who didn’t know what to say. She then mentioned x-rays and I asked if it was okay to get x-rays if there’s a possibility thaaat, you know, IVF. She got the hint but I physically couldn’t say the word pregnant. Strange. Anyway, the cleaning hurt more than I was used to and so much blood. Possibly because of the aspirin, but I survived. I usually enjoy going to the dentist but she hurt me. The good news is that the dentist signed off on my braces and faxed over the papers to the Orthodontist. All I need now is a down payment and I can go ahead and make my appointment to get my braces! I can’t wait!!!

Today we’re 7dp6dt. Still no symptoms but I’m feeling more positive than negative. I was actually telling my friends today that I need to prepare myself for the possibility that this could be negative. It’s going to suck to start from scratch but we have 5 more rounds. A negative beta is going to break me a little more but it won’t be the end. I’ve also decided to tell my boss that we’re doing IVF if it comes back negative. It feels like the right thing to do.

THREE MORE SLEEPS!! I’m in bed already. Hubs is playing online video games with some friends and I have a hot date with Hugh the Hand… No! It’s a character in the book I’m reading… Really, it is!

3 and 4dpt

I wanted to do these every day but I don’t have anything of import to report. Obviously no symptoms. So I’m just really trying to keep myself occupied. I found another small project I can do and my good IF friend reminded me that she’d sent me an adult colouring book that I completely forgot about.

I got an old secretary’s desk from N’s gran that I’ve been storing my makeup in (not that I ever wear makeup) and I’ve decided to make it more user friendly. Right now I just have my caboodle in it and it’s a bit of a mess. So yesterday I bought a few makeup organizers to make it pretty and girlie. I even found some fairy lights (I LOVE FAIRY LIGHTS). I have to order a few more things. Like a better mirror etc but I’m a little excited about this. Here are some before pics.

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Tonight I’m going to a girl’s night at a friend’s house. I’m making some sausage rolls and cheese puffs for snacks but I have no idea how to explain not drinking. I could use the old anti-biotic excuse but that’s really not me (I usually don’t let anti-biotics stop me from drinking) and I feel like all pregnant women use the anti-biotic excuse and I’d really rather not have people think I’m pregnant and make pregnancy jokes. My other excuse was going to be that I’m quitting for a diet but the problem with that is that we’re seeing the one couple next Saturday as well and if I get a negative I’m definitely going to be drinking and I don’t want to seem like a quitter. Hahaha. OMG, I just realized how silly this all is. It’s N’s best friend from high school so I’m secretly hoping he’ll just tell them so that I don’t have to lie. He’s opened up to J before but I’m not sure if he wants to tell him that we’re in the middle of a tww right now. I’ll ask him later. Let’s see how it goes. Right now the diet excuse is probably going to win because I’m known a serial dieter.

I’m off to acupuncture again. Hope everyone is having a good Saturday!

A Little Bit of Crazy

I’ve mentioned before how superstitious I am. It’s not something I’m proud of but if I could stop I would. I also try to look for signs in everything. I was trying for this cycle to not let that happen and I’ll certainly feel sheepish if this doesn’t work, despite my best non-fact-based efforts.

First, if it wasn’t frowned upon to do so, I would be wearing the same clothes I wore to the transfer for the whole tww. Underwear included. Thankfully I’m not able to do that. I have, however, not removed my wedding ring. I usually take it off as soon as I walk in the house and sometimes I won’t wear it for days, much to N’s chagrin. But I feel like it’s bringing me luck right now. My valentine’s day earrings too, I have 10 holes in my ears from previous piercings but don’t wear earrings really. I feel like the earrings are good luck too, just like my ladybird/bug earrings from last transfer. The last thing I’m having trouble removing is my hospital bracelet from the clinic. That’s a weird one.

Back in the day when we went to events or places that required wrist bands, my cousin and I would see who could keep their wrist bands on the longest. Since she doesn’t read this, I’m going to go ahead and say that I always won but it would be weeks long battles. I am a pro at keeping wrist bands on and safe from too much water damage. I think it’s because of that that I feel like wrist bands are good luck or at least hold some sort of meaning. Every procedure I’ve had at this clinic, I’ve kept the wrist bands on until I got the results. You’d be amazed at how well they hold up in water, even if the writing washes off. I’ve also held on to most of the wrist bands. I’ll have to make an IVF memory book when this is all over.

The words on the band are all but completely gone and I’ll have to keep wearing long sleeves so as not to invite questions but every time I pull my sleeves up I see it peeping out and I immediately think of our embryo hopefully snuggling up nicely and it makes me smile.

Obviously wearing a wrist band from your transfer has no bearing on wether you’ll end up pregnant or not. Obviously. But that’s the nature of a superstition, right? I know I sound like a crazy person right now, but I’m comforted by the band. And I need as much comfort as I can get for these next 8 days.

1 and 2dpt

Yesterday was a good day. I had the day off so spent most of the morning Skyping with my parents. We spoke for at least 2 hours. They’re so cute. The told me that they fasted the entire day on transfer day and lit candles. They were electric so that they wouldn’t have to worry about burning the house down.

At one point I moved from the bed to the couch and they yelled at me to not move and to lay down with my feet elevated. I was given a lecture on what’s going on in my body right now and how self-care is important. They also told me about the importance of thinking of a happy place. A place I can go to in my mind to find calm.

It was really lovely talking to them. I was sad to end it but Mum had to go to church and Dad had some tv watching to do I think.

I am trying to do a social media break. I find that I’m a little too addicted to grabbing my phone every few minutes and I really should have just stayed off. I actually need to delete these apps for the next 2 weeks I think. Just to try and focus on other things. I really wanted to finish my book but I only read about 2 chapters yesterday. Pathetic. Anyway, I did stumble on a very surprising FB pregnancy announcement in my IVF group. A surprise natural pregnancy after ivf baby. Those are fun, huh. A little jealousy mixed in with overwhelming happiness?

After that I started feeling antsy and ended up Googling what should be happening at each stage after transfer (see below). I wasn’t feeling any twinges or anything. I feel pulling on my left side if I sit/lie still for too long but that’s it. Nothing else. Today, I noticed a very teeny tiny little bit of brown discharge and a tiny bit of heartburn but nothing else. Of course it’s too early and I’m trying my best to not symptom spot but it’s probably going to be an exercise in futility.

When I couldn’t stand laying down any longer I decided to meal prep for the rest of the week. I definitely found my calm doing that. So much so that I’ve decided to cook as often as I can for the next 8 days until beta to keep my mind occupied. I did the menu at work (I know I spoke about Yumprint before but if you want to meal plan like a boss, this is the site to use). Trying to keep it warm and comforting. It’s only a few meals. Enough for leftovers and lunch. I’m not big on breakfast during the week and N usually just has a yogurt with fruit. I do big breakfasts on Saturdays and Sundays.

So I’ll leave it there for today. Here’s our menu. Most of the recipes are off pinterest. I’m not sure if it’s cool to post a recipe that isn’t yours but I’ll attach links to the sources if anyone is interested.

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Today:
San Choy Bow

Friday:
Low Carb Chili Dog Bake
Ham and Cheese Roll Ups

Sunday:
Copycat Panera Broccoli and Cheddar Soup

Tuesday:
Portuguese Kale Soup (MIL’s recipe)

Optional Extra:
Sweet Potato Gnocchi with Bolognaise

Friday:
DINNER OUT TO CELEBRATE OR DROWN SORROWS

5DTDevelopment