I had a terrible night last night and I fear there will be more to come. My husband left me this morning. No not like that :). He’s gone to St John for work until Saturday (sorry, if you think that joke’s in poor taste). I have trouble sleeping when he’s not there so last night I was already tossing and turning thinking about the lack of sleep I’ll endure when he’s gone. So it was a mixture of bitter sadness and extreme excitement.

Excitement because of this. I was working in the tv room last night and I heard my husband call me from the bed room, “Hun, did we ever find out the sex of the embryo?”

“No, I think we’ll ask the Dr G if we get a positive”

“…Oh… I know what it is…”

“WHAT??!!!”

“Yeah, they sent us the results of the PGD test and I accidentally read it”

“Oh my God, you know what we’re having??!!!”

“Yes do you want to know?”

“Yes!!! … No!!!… hmm yes!… Wait, you actually know what we’re having”

“Yes! it’s right here”

“Oh my God, I don’t know. But I don’t want you to know if I don’t know. Dammit! I had a plan. Of course I want to know. Why would they send us this? Okay tell me. No wait! Okay yes. Argh… Yes! what is it”

“It’s a XXXXX”

Queue several OMG’s, uncontrollable laughter, some more OMG’s, a very happy chair dance and a perma smile for the rest of the evening. I must’ve read the sex over a few times just to let it sink in. I even think we agreed on a name. And by the time we got into bed I’d decorated the baby’s room and sent mental gender announcements to everyone. I had to reign myself in a little bit. Okay, N had to reign me in. I asked him if he was excited and he said we have a long way to go still and he was saving his excitement. I said he was right but right now at that moment we had a little XXXXX. He cracked a smile. I know he’s excited too.

I spent the rest of my sleepless night buying clothing, setting up play dates and counting baby toes in my head. I was quite a bipolar night. One minute was soaring amongst the clouds with other happy mothers the next minute I was inconsolable thinking how would I recover if this embryo didn’t take. Part of me wishes I didn’t know because if it doesn’t work I wouldn’t be as attached. But part of me is so happy because this is the farthest I’ve ever let myself go with my daydreams and plans and I’ve actually let myself enjoy it.

I know that we’re nowhere close to being out of the woods. But right now, today, as I’m sitting here I’m a mom to a little XXXXX and I’m pleased as punch.