Two Weeks Down

8 more days. Finally into single digits.

I don’t want this to be another “woe is me” post but do rest assured the woe continues to be me.

I guess I am feeling more symptoms one could say. So I’m clinging to that with all my might. The motion sickness is more frequent and water has suddenly started to taste funny. My poor butt is screaming for sweet sweet relief. I’ve done 32 injections now. Whooo! N has hit nerves (I think) twice and that’s a whole new level of pain. But every so often he finds a new sweet spot and I feel like I could go on forever. Those are good days.

Last week someone who transferred around the same time as me had a missed miscarriage. As you can imagine this ruined me completely. I cried at the salon and blamed it on an errant hair that got in my eye. I remember when she got her positive she immediately started doing 4 week and 5 week bump pics holding her belly with signs and everything. I remembered being in awe of her bravery and how I wanted to be brave like that. I couldn’t even change my period tracker to a “P” tracker. So when her bad news came, I was absolutely crushed for her. I can’t imagine opening my heart so widely and then having it ripped out. No thank you.

But there’s no right way to navigate this part of the journey, is there? Bad things happen all the time. And you can’t live your life behind closed doors hoping that if you just sit still you’ll be okay.

I’ve had my heart broken a gazillion times and my motto has always been to “sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching and love like you’ll never be hurt”. All through my “heartbreak” 20’s that was always my goal. Give everything, that way you never doubt that you tried your best.

I feel now that having a boy break your heart doesn’t hurt nearly as much as a failed IVF cycle but that’s because I’m closer to the IVF stuff now. I remember spending an entire day crying in bed over one chap. I thought I would never recover.

And I remember failed IVF cycle #4 and how I thought I would never recover from that.

But now I never even think of that chap. And there’s been so much IVF happiness that the fails are distant memories.

So I’m trying to do a massive shift in my mindset here. Since I can’t seem to cling to hope and positivity for longer than a few minutes (and I really and truly appreciate that all of you are being hopeful and positive for me), I can at least cling to the fact that, in the end, everything will be okay.

As they say… This too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone but it’ll pass.

6 thoughts on “Two Weeks Down

  1. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this one. I think about you all the time, and I’m staying positive for you. Sending you lots of positive, happy energy, especially over the next week. Hang in there, friend!! ❤

  2. Aw, yeah I remember how those first few weeks were torture. I wanted to allow myself to just be happy but then I’d worry I’d jinx it somehow if I let myself believe too much.. Hopefully the time will pass quickly and once you see your little baby on screen and see the heartbeat, everything will go smoothly from then on!

  3. I remember what this was like too. I had to pay and get private betas (they don’t do them as a rule here) just because I was going nuts. It’s very very difficult to rationalise especially with all the hormones going round, but all I can say is that whatever you do it won’t have any bearing on the outcome, so all you can do is try your best to get through it in as positive a headspace as you can be. I really feel for you and I’m so rooting for you! Also can’t believe your friend would be that brave; I never was! I didn’t even tell a lot of people until he was born! And even then I didn’t quite believe it myself! You will get there and I hope that you can find some way to distract yourself. Xx

  4. I am thinking of you ALL the time! I know this part is so scary but it’s a necessary step to take in order to get where you’re going, and I’m just hoping and praying that you hear that perfect heartbeat very soon. It’s such a long wait but I hope the days go by quickly now til your first ultrasound so you can breathe a little easier (at least until the next hurdle!)– how far along will you be then? Our clinic does a 6w & 8w one but I’ve heard of some people having a 5w to see the sac and then every week after until switching to an OB! Ugh this wait is terrible no matter how long it is! I’ve been bingeing ridiculous Netflix reality shows like Love is Blind and The Circle to get me through our waiting; they’re a good distraction at the very least! Sending you lots of love and good wishes and strength to get through the next several days! Anxiously waiting to hear your good news ❤

  5. Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you especially tomorrow as I know it is your first ultrasound. I’m sure tonight and tomorrow morning will be difficult, but I hope you get to hear that wonderful heartbeat come through strong and steady! I’ll be looking for your update when you’re ready to share. The wait is almost over! Lots of love ❤ ❤ ❤

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