Ladybug Sighting

IVF ROUND 7

DAY 5 – Monitoring Day
(Friday Oct 25)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur
Notes: estrogen=64.44; LH=6.12; progesterone=0.387; lining=5.4mm; Left Ovary=11.8mm; Right Ovary=12mm

I had a rough-ish day emotionally. I ate crap and work was taxing. There are only 2 lonely follicles right now. They seem pretty big for this early but my estrogen seems lowish for this early. But the nurse was happy with progress. I’m just falling into comparison land again and I hate it. Someone needs to take my phone away and delete and bock me from my instagram and blog. But the damage is done.

I did make it to training after skipping all exercise days this week. So that felt good. While we were chatting in between sets his wife (my tap instructor) came down to say hi and she pointed to the ceiling to two ladybugs who were touching butts. They’d been there all week doing who knows what :). That made me smile and I took it as a good sign for the day. Two ladybugs. Two follicles. Two drops of hope.

Onwards and upwards. Next appointment on Sunday.

Emotional: Rollercoaster!!!
Physical: Feeling good after a training session.
Food: Leftover Chinese food.

Ho Hum

IVF ROUND 7

DAY 2-4
(Tuesday Oct 22 – Thursday Oct 24)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur

Days 2 and 3 were anti climactic as usual. I haven’t done shots yet today but I believe I’m feeling some bloat sitting here with my legs curled under me. Either it’s IVF bloat or it’s the giant mountain of Chinese food I just ate.

Little Lucky is staying over at his grandma’s tonight because he goes with me to school and I don’t want to have to wake him up at the ass crack of dawn to go with me for the 2hr journey and I also am not too keen on bringing a child with me to my IVF clinic. I’m extremely grateful that I have someone to watch him during this time. I know not everyone is this lucky. I wonder now about all those women who I side-eyed at the clinic who brought their kids to appointments. I’m sure most of them felt tortured about being “that person”. I wonder if most of them simply had no choice. I’m just grateful that I have a choice with this.

It’s shots and bed time soon. Can’t believe tomorrow will pretty much be half way.

Emotional: Just taking it one day at a time
Physical: Haven’t been to training all week and skipped dance today. So, bleh-ish
Food: Mountain of Chinese food.

Surprise IVF

IVF ROUND 7

DAY 1
(Monday October 21st)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur
Notes: estrogen=133.9; LH=4.41; progesterone=0.486; Antral follicles=10

I did not expect to be starting this soon. I was expecting my period this Friday but it came on Sunday. Not hugely early, but early enough for me to panic a little bit.

I started the estrogen priming with Estrace on the 14th and I guess it can make your period start sooner. But anywhere here we are.

Everything went smoothly injection-wise. No complaints. The estrace was making me feel really awful so I’m happy that it’s over but I felt a good amount of nausea about an hour are shots. But I slept really well. I also had my flu shot yesterday so I think my body was just tapped out with all the stuff in it.

Random story: I do the personal training about 2 towns over. It’s usually a 25min drive with about a 5 minute stretch of highway between my exit and the trainer’s. Last night as I got onto the highway the traffic was at a dead stop because of an accident. The gps had me getting there in an hour. I had to text everyone to cancel but I couldn’t get off the highway until the exit which was an hour away! So I basically sat in traffic just to take the exit and drive my ass right back home! A complete waste of almost 2 hours! Hopefully no one was hurt though, because there was a massive crane pulling a car out of the woods when I drove by.

Anyway, I hope by my next monitoring appointment I’ll be a bit more excited and not so shaken up. I think I’m afraid of getting a low amount of eggs again.

Emotional: A little like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me. Ask me tomorrow.
Physical: Feeling pretty good.
Food: Roasted chicken and salad

To Freeze or Not to Freeze

Well, here we go again…

I’m sorry for not responding to all of the caring messages from my last post. For some reason that failure hit a lot harder than I had expected it to. That mixed with it being my birthday and my parents leaving and work becoming extremely busy was just a lot. It just wasn’t a fun month.

But I eventually dusted myself off in time for our follow up appointment. The fact that we have such an awesome RE helped me get even more excited. He always seems to read my mind. This time I wanted to ask him about HGH and he brought it up all on his own.

I heard about human growth hormone on Instagram and on some forums. Dr P mentioned that studies show that it does show some good results on increasing egg quality. Unfortunately, it’s no longer FDA approved so doctors aren’t prescribing it as much anymore. He explained that it costs around $1000 for a vial and I would need 4 vials. So scratch that idea. Then he said that he’s been telling his patients to use Serovital. It’s a supplement that increases your natural HGH and it’s about $200 for a 3 months supply. So we opted for that.

We’re also going to stick with the same protocol. I asked if this was a good idea and whether we shouldn’t go balls to the walls and double the dosage (not in those words of course) but he said that we’re already at a very high dose (300iu gonal f and 150iu of menopur). He wants to stick to this and either go a little up or down depending on how I respond.

We also discussed N doing another frozen sample. We went through the pro’s and con’s and in a rare display of humour our RE said “To freeze or not to freeze. That is the question”. Okay, yes, it was a lame joke. But we all had a good laugh. I guess you had to be there.

We are doing one change though. We’re going to try estrogen priming. I think that’s what it’s called. I’m to go in on day 21 of this current cycle to test my progesterone and then I’ll start estrogen pills twice a day until sometime after I start the stimulating meds. Correct me if I’m wrong but the extra estrogen is supposed to help my follicles respond to the stimulating medication better. So here’s hoping.

I’m excited to get back in the saddle. I forgot about this never ending up and down roller coaster ride. A few weeks ago, I was near to giving up all together and now I’m ready to go again. Is this the definition of madness?

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Anyway, in other news. I’ve hired a personal trainer!! I’m on week 3 I think. My tap instructor’s husband is a personal trainer and he offered to take me and two of my friends on so that we could split the cost because, let’s face it, I’m not that much of a baller. It’s been really hard but really fun. I’m glad we took the plunge. The sucky bit is that it’s twice a week (for now) so I’m away from my family Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights (Thursdays are dance night). But I have to keep my eye on the prize. It’s not forever and I want to feel better about my body.

I also started sober October on Tuesday. I’m all in now but this weekend will be the real test. I usually start my drinking on Fridays and we have a birthday party this weekend and apple picking on Sunday which I could easily turn into some brunch time day drinking after. But I will be strong!!!

Next, I have to clean up my eating. More on this later.

Oh and lastly, I’m slowly making moves to apply for a Masters program. Slowly. I applied to take the GRE test. It’s in November and I haven’t started studying. If anyone has taken the GRE, please give me some advice. I keep thinking it’ll be easy but I could be fooling myself. Let’s see how it goes.

And that’s it for me. Posting will likely ramp up again in the coming weeks. I truly appreciate each and every one of you who are still following this blog that’s almost nearly dead. I have been thinking of starting another blog too. Not a mommy blog. A blog to parse out my past trauma and dealing with residual anxiety etc. My therapist suggested it. It will be raw. I’m just trying to think of a name for it.

Okay, I hope all of you are still rocking and rolling.

Lots of love!! xxx

Why is Hope?

A beta of 8.46 is not a good beta. Every time someone posted a low beta like this I always read the fingers-crossed’s and the you’re-still-not-out’s with a bit of annoyance. Like why are we giving this poor woman any hope? Let’s be realistic. 8.46 is not good.

And yet, I hoped.

I scoured for success story after success story. I replayed the voicemail and even the nurse sounded hopeful. “You never know”, she said. But I’m sure she knew.

And still, I hoped.

On Tuesday, I was barely keeping it together. Just fragile and constantly on the verge of tears.

But still, so hopeful.

On Wednesday morning I turned 38. I somehow managed to keep this at the forefront of my thoughts and for the most part it worked. It was a genuinely happy day. The phone call came at 2 and even when I learned that the beta dropped to 1.5 I pushed that sadness all the way down and rejoiced that I didn’t have to do any more damned progesterone shots. It’s okay. We’ll get it next time.

I was hopeful.

Thursday, I was still okay. I thought I was okay. I went through the entire day okay. Even when I walked into therapy I avoided talking about it and ranted about work instead. The last 15 minutes my body gave up the fight and completely fell apart. It felt good to get it out. I was trying to be strong for Lucky and my parents and my husband and myself and my body was not having it. But it felt good to get it all out. I’m mad that I got my hopes for fucking 8.46. I’m scared that our RE will not know what to do next because we only got 5 eggs last time. I’m sad that I had to experience my first chemical pregnancy on my birthday.

Why did I hope?

I think I’m okay now, though. I think. Our wtf and next steps appointment is September 20th so I guess…

There is still hope.

FET 1 Complete

Everything went perfectly fine and I am now heavy one 5AA graded day 7 blastocyst!

We got to the clinic about 20 minutes early so we sat in the car and listened to a really trashy podcast. We’re trashy people and watch trashy reality tv and now we listen to trashy podcasts that review the trashy reality tv.

At 8 I went in for pre-transfer acupunture. I managed to get really relaxed so that helped a little until my bladder started bothering me. Our transfer was set for 9:30 so I started drinking at 9 but alas. 9:30 came and went and I was in dire straights by the time the nurse came to get us at 9:50.

I always thought these things were so strictly timed. I can’t remember our other transfers being late but either way. A Dr P did the transfer. He was fine. Definitely not enough time to get a read on him. At least he was gentle right? The ultrasound tech was lovely. She explained everything in detail again. And time time we got a picture!! I get sad every time I think about not getting a picture of Lucky. I’ve asked several times and no one has ever gotten back to me. Actually, I don’t know if it’s sadness or irritation that my need for things to be even and in order was disrupted. I have pictures of every single embryo transferred except him.

Anyway, I did acupuncture again afterwards. I could only relax for half the session then I started getting antsy. I think because the first I was on my stomach and the second I was on my back and I do better laying on my stomach as far as relaxing goes. She put needles in my wrists but they’re the kind that you can attach with tiny stickers so they can stay in. She said I should keep them in over night. I’m about to take them out now. She said something about that being the heart 7 point related to calmness.

We eventually got home and N had to go to work. I had some lunch then took my parents to Target so mom could start buying gifts for family back home. She has 6 grandkids over there now. It was cute watching her forget their names and get flustered with the amount of stuff she needed. She’s truly blessed.

I laid down for a bit when we got home and then we went all went out to dinner. Nothing fancy. Just the cheap Chinese buffet down the road. Omg Lucky was in his element. This kid loves to eat and seeing so much food was such a treat for him. He was squealing with excitement all through dinner. He shoveled handfuls of noodles into his mouth and ate everything off everyone’s plate. He spooned chocolate pudding over his watermelon and screamed with delight when he experienced the flavour in his mouth. It was so so funny. And then when we weren’t looking he grabbed a handful of wasabi and ate it!! He was fine and it really was funny. His eyes started watering and he was saying “ahh ahhh” really quietly. And then when the burn ended he whispered to himself “too ‘picy”. He’s a funny guy. I love his greedy little body.

We were pretty toast after that. N had a rough day of work installing four 125lb batteries into a boat so he’s body was screaming by the time we got into bed. And I think the acupuncture or the progesterone or just the excitement of the day tuckered me out. All three of us passed out almost immediately.

And that is that. Beta is set for Monday the 19th. Again, I don’t think I’ll test before but I do have dental surgery set for next Thursday and I’m not sure how to navigate that. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t want to have to use the P word pre-emptively and I don’t want to have to explain IVF to them if they don’t understand. So maybe I’ll test on Thursday morning. That’ll be 7dpt. Ugh that may be too early. Okay, I’m not going to worry about it now.

Okay, I’m off to do some more laying down. I’ll check in again before beta. Wow, I’m still kinda in disbelief here. What if this really works?

Mind the Gap

Well, I’m in an FET cycle so it’s definitely time for an update I think! We’re actually at the almost end of this FET cycle. Transfer is set for Friday! Let me just catch you all and myself up.

I started my period on Sunday, June 16th. I went if for a baseline blood test on Tuesday the 18th and all was good to go.

Started birth control that that evening for what seemed like forever.

I finally added Lupron 20units on July 9th along with the birth control. And I finished the birth control on July 15th but continued the Lupron.

On Friday, July 19th we did another baseline. Endo lining was 3.5, No cysts and 10 antral follicles. Blood test results: Progesterone – 0.324; LH – 0.966; Estradiol – 9.49.

On the 19th I dropped Lupron down to 10 and added Estrogen 2 pills twice a day.

On the 23rd we did another Estradiol check (68.69). I would increase Estrogen pills to 2pills 3 times a day on the 28th.

On the 25th, Me, N and Lucky went on our first overseas family trip for a friend reunion of sorts. Two of my bestest friends, one lives in the UK and one in Switzerland. So we all decided to meet in Gatwick at UK friend’s house, I haven’t seen her in 15 yrs and the visit was just awesome. We did a good amount of touristy things, so my feet are still kinda toast lol. We ate a lot of great food. And drank a lot. I think I’m officially a gin and tonic girl now. I wish we had more time to explore more and see more but I think it was perfect for a first trip. We did Brighton, a castle, a lot of shopping and a day and a bit in London. London is too big to do in that short amount of time but it was great, nevertheless.

The flights however were pretty traumatic. Lucky was really tough on the way there. We flew at night and got there in the morning and he only slept for 1hr. The rest of the time he was whiney and busy. We had all the snacks and all the toys and nothing worked. At one point, I was holding him and he yanked the mask off the sleeping lady next to me! She was really nice though, she said that he was an angel and that she’s done it before by herself with 2 little ones. I don’t know, we were pretty traumatized.

But he was a champ on the trip itself. Well, kinda. His dad had to carry him around most times because he didn’t like the stroller (push car, buggy, etc.) but we were able to trick him into it during nap times while we were out and about. And he was about 5hrs off his sleeping schedule. Eventually we just let him sleep whenever he wanted to (Usually around 11 or midnight). It was a holiday after all.

The flight back was even more traumatic. What started out as him being a bit warm and fussy at the house, quickly descended into the very stressful flight with his fever spiking between 103 and 104 periodically for 6hrs. We’d never dealt with it that high for that long before and I only brought tylenol with me. He slept most of the way home and was just a lethargic mess. We felt helpless up there. When we landed we rushed off the plane and had someone rush us through customs so we could get him to the dr. They called the EMT to take a look at him and at the point his fever was down a bit but he was just laying on his dad. They offered us an ambulance to get through Boston traffic but we declined, since our friend was already there to pick us up. He cried most of the way home but by the time we got home we thought the worst was over. Unfortunately on Saturday it started again and we eventually took him to the ER where his fever was at 105. Eventually, they gave us meds and ran all the tests and gave him an antibiotic and after about 5hrs there they discharged us and things got better from then on out. He still has some diarrhea but the fever never came back. They think it was just a tummy bug.

He’s fine now. Yesterday I bought him an ice cream sundae after his follow up with the paediatrician. He’d been through so much. Chest x-ray, Blood draw, 3 intramuscular injections. My poor boy. I’m just glad it’s over.

I had to squeeze in a monitoring appointment during all of this baby drama on Saturday morning. My lining was at 8.1 and I had 2 follicles. My progesterone was at 0.278, LH at 1.23 and Estradiol at 145.1.

With that I was given the go ahead to stop Lupron that night and then next day to start Progesterone shots that Sunday (August 5th) at 9am.

9am shot means that I would have to find someone to help me do the shots at work. Since school is closed the nurses wouldn’t be there. And I don’t really have anyone close enough that I trust but I took the leap. I got a colleague to agree but then I realised we have nursing teachers who were likely in the building. I asked one and she actually declined. She said she’s not employed as a nurse and didn’t want to risk anything. I’m writing this matter of factly but at the time I realised that I’d have to do the shot myself and I was in a flat panic (yes, I cried). The colleague who said she’d help disappeared just before 9 (ugh) so I rushed to the bathroom and attempted it myself. It was awful. I got it in the first time and pulled back all the blood so I had to pull it out and blood was pouring out. I didn’t have an extra needle so I just had to do it again. I was shaking so badly and getting dizzy. All I kept thinking was if I fainted and bumped my head and bled out I hoped that lady would be happy. Eventually, I stuck it in again and didn’t hit any blood vessels and pushed everything in while the other wound was still dripping blood on the floor. What a mess. But I did it! I don’t need anyone!!

I’m proud of myself but still salty that she didn’t want to help me. I hope I never see her again.

That being said, today’s shot was textbook. No pain, no blood, perfect. I really don’t need anyone.

Anyway, this has gone on long enough. I’ll try to post again before Friday. Just to get thoughts and feelings before go time. I really haven’t had time to process this whole cycle. I think that’s a good thing, though. But I’d hate to have a nervous breakdown on the drive up to the clinic. Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment on Thursday. That’ll help.