Myyyy Goodness

M

Well, it’s good news. I’m still in shock. I might still be in shock for a few more months.

I know it’s only the first beta and I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I understand that this might be hard for someone to read so I want to be sensitive to that and truth be told, I’m very much in disbelief so writing this feels like it will be taken away.

I keep listening to the voicemail to make sure the nurse got the names right.

I also want to say thank you to everyone in this community. Thank you for the prayers and the positive thoughts and the crossed fingers. You are all appreciated so much. I love you all.

I’m trying to live in the moment. That’s the advice everyone is giving me so I’m taking it. I don’t know if my next beta will be good or not. I don’t want to think about it because

Today, it was good news.

If you’re reading this and you feel that pang in your heart. The pang we all know so well. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and I hope that you can find strength to get through this Easter holiday if you find it difficult.

❤ ❤

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The End of an E.R.A.

Been dying to use that blog title for the longest time 🙂

And thus ends my ERA cycle. I am battered and bruised and so happy that it’s over. 7 weeks total. Here’s the breakdown if you’re interested.

December 25th: Period Starts. Pregnancy test negative duh.

December 27th: Start birth control pills for 3 weeks.

January 4th: Follow-up appointment with RE.

January 10th: Start daily Lupron sub-Q injections.

January 16th: Stop birth control. This is the longest month in human history.

January 19th: Baseline appointment. All systems go!

January 21st: First day of my period. 100 more days of January left.

January 23rd: Start daily 1mg estrogen pills and 1mg aspirin. Increase to 2mg estrogen at some point, then 4, then 6.

February 3rd: Stop Lupron injections.

February 5th: Start nightly Progesterone in Oil intra-muscular injections 1cc.

February 10th: Cycle ends with Endometrial Biopsy. Stop daily estrogen and aspirin.

February 14th: Stop Progesterone injections. Joy!

The biopsy was a nightmare as always and to make matters worse the nurse practitioner said that she had to do 2 biopsies. That was news to me and I actually cried when she left the room for a few seconds. One biopsy was for the ERA lab and the other was to test if my lining had any infections. Same as the first biopsy I had done. They have me scheduled for another HSG in March and I’m going to make them give me harder drugs. My friend B has so kindly offered to take me to the appointment so I hope they can do it on a day that fits her schedule. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to go through that much pain. I’m a woos and I’m proud!

And now we just wait for a period and we can start prepping to bring little Lucky home! I believe it’s suggested that you do another ERA if the result doesn’t come back as receptive but my RE doesn’t seem to think it’s necessary but gave me the choice. I am really averse to doing another one but let’s see if my RE changes his mind depending on what the results are.

So for now we are awaiting our next FET cycle. Big yay!! My app says 5 days til my period starts. Come on body, let’s get this party started!

BTW my ass hurts so much from the PIO shots. I can’t imagine doing them for 12 weeks or more. Besides ice and massaging do you guys have any tips on PIO shots? And itchy!! the injection sites are itchy as hell. I don’t think I’m allergic to the oil though. No serious skin reaction. Just itchy. Fun times.

 

 

 

 

Taking a Moment

Just thinking about my 3 little ones who didn’t pass PGD testing this week. I didn’t get full details but 2 were unbalanced (not sure which chromosomes) and 1 poor little baby was missing chromosome 22 and had and extra chromosome 19.

That’s a total of 7 embryos who likely wouldn’t have made it passed the first trimester had we transferred them without testing. I’m very grateful to have PGD testing to help avoid 7 potential early miscarriages but I am sad for them.

I’m sad but I’m so happy they were there. They each gave us renewed hope every single day they pushed through to make it to blastocysts.

They fought so hard and I’m so proud of them for trying.

It’s not lost on me that they were just balls of cells at that stage but they were ours. They were mine and I loved them.

I love them still.

I Can’t Brie-lieve It!

FOUR!!!

Earlier when I heard, it was more like

FOUR…

But the news has sunk in for the most part. I am so relieved that this part is over. Of course I wanted more. We always want more. But 4 is better than we’ve ever done. This is cycle is still the best cycle!

I am so fucking scared of the next part but I am going to try my utmost to relax and forget about it as best as I can. Thanksgiving could not have come at a better time.

So there you have it, my friends. 4 little fighters. 4 potential babies. 4 hopes and dreams.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat and entire wheel of brie.

 

Faith Purchases

Hello!
We’re on day 6 and I am Fuh-reaking out. Silently. On the inside.

I think I didn’t want to write before because I didn’t want to jinx anything but I can’t really concentrate on anything today so I thought I would catch you all up.

So my next call was supposed to be on Saturday (day 3) but Friday around 6pm Dr P called himself to find out how I was recovering and to give me a day 2 update.

We still had 12 on day 2. I was extremely relieved. The doctor didn’t sound excited. He said that they ranged from 2 to 6 cell and they were all B’s and C’s, which is great! I was relieved because I figured if we lose half like we usually do on day 3 then at least we’ll still have more than we’ve ever had on day 3. So Friday was yet another good day.

Both of us had to work on Saturday and I was surprisingly okay. I came to terms with my 6 embryos. I started going over plan B’s and just mentally preparing myself for big drop offs. She called around noon and I had to run out of my dungeon office to where there was cellphone reception.

Twelve little guys were still happily growing!! Wow. Both the nurse and I were absolutely giddy. I asked her for the cell counts and grades but I’d forgotten a pen and paper so I wasn’t even really listening to what she was saying but there were some A’s B’s and C’s thrown in.

The rest of the day was a blur of good news sharing and a little work peppered in. I wanted to go out and celebrate but both of us were so tired from work we just climbed into PJ’s and watched 90 day fiance all night until 1am. So Saturday was certainly a good day.

Sunday was a long day. I had wonderful plans to meal prep but then I realized that it’s a 2.5day week and that would be dumb. I thought I would just makes lunches at least but Saturday night I’d forgotten to take the Cabergoline so I took it in the morning and as soon as I wanted to start cooking I was hit with the motion sickness. We rotted away again in front of the tv for the rest of Sunday.

Yesterday was another long day. A long and terrible day. I know that they said they would call on Tuesday to let us know how many were biopsied and frozen but last time on day 5 at around 9am, Dr G called several times and eventually left the message that no one going through this wants to get. So yesterday I was quite a mess. I don’t want anyone to call but I want to know how our embryos are doing. I am going to say that since I didn’t get a call all day that at least they’re not all gone. I think that’s a safe assumption.

I don’t know why I’m big on jinxes (rolls eyes at self) but it is what it is I guess. So I was thinking this weekend that our PGD lab charges $250 per embryo over 8. We’ve never been there before so I’ve always just budgeted for the minimum. And now in a perfect world we may have 4 embryos I didn’t budget for. I would have to transfer extra money to our IVF account for the PGD lab. I can’t remember if they debit the account as soon as my clinic tells them how many samples they’re getting or or if they debit the account when they have the samples in hand. So yesterday I made a big ‘faith purchase’ and transferred the extra money into the account. And I’m really hoping and praying they use at least some of it. But if they don’t I will spend that money on something to make myself feel better :)… Or save it for the next round of PGD testing. It took a lot for me to do that. My online banking session kept timing out while I went back and forth trying to decide. I made the purchase but I’m still undecided, if that makes sense. But it’s done and it’s not the end of the world.

So here we are. 9 am on day 6. My stomach is in knots. I want them to call already. N keeps saying that he has a good feeling about this. I do sometimes but I’m very scared still. Especially today. I made the mistake yesterday of googling stories about embryo drop off rates after day 3. Huge mistake. But I’ve put a self ban on Google now so that’s good.

Okay, I have to get some work done. My next post will have results.

I hope everyone is having a good week so far!

Cycle Buddy Guilt

This are going extremely well this cycle. A little too well. I’m so excited and, at the same time, I’m wrestling my doubt demons. When you’re up so high the fall is going to suck.

Of the 20, 15 were mature and 12 fertilized… 12! and 15 mature?! How is that possible? I’m over the moon. Another baby step win! I’m really trying to stay present in every moment and enjoy this. I think I’m an emotional eater… No, I definitely am. I was so happy I went to buy all the sugar and carbs I could find. All of them.

One thing I’m not enjoying is feeling guilty about the good results. I almost don’t want to post the results on Instagram. I used to hate having cycle buddies. Actually I still kinda don’t like it. Mostly because I was always the “loser”. Most of the women I cycled with are pregnant now and it hurts. And some of them have children and it’s a constant reminder that my baby could have been that age now.

This time, all my cycle buddies aren’t doing as well and I seem to be doing great (I probably just jinxed myself now but whatever, today is great). Now I feel bad. I don’t want others to hurt while I’m not and I especially don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s hurt.

Of course things could turn around for them they are not out of the game yet and I could still end up “losing” but today some of them are disappointed and I feel quite the opposite.

Has anyone experienced cycle buddy guilt? I’m trying to think of a tactful way to share results on Instagram. I mean I could just deactivate the account and not have to deal with it, right?

Anyway, my next call will be on Saturday. Please keep us in your thoughts. This part is so hard.

Carb City

It was a good day and a good retrieval. I only took today off so I’m just napping and resting and filling up on all the carbs I missed out on these past few weeks.

I’ll write more in the morning but everything went well and the pain is minimal. I’m just battling a violent headache. 

They retrieved 20 eggs!  I’m extremely surprised and elated. I know most of them won’t be mature but that’s a great number. I was worried that with that many eggs I would be in a bunch of pain but I’m really doing well. Right now anyway. 

One day at a time. And today was a win. 

Thank you very much everyone for keeping us in your thoughts. Thank you so very much. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to dive into a grilled cheese sandich… Maybe two.