Things have been going well in the Nothing household. Life seems to be returning to normal. We’ve been spending a lot of time with N’s family which has been really good for both of us.
On Saturday morning I had to do repeat blood work (6 vials), urine and ultrasound for our paperwork at the clinic. It was the first time during and ultrasound that I wasn’t begging and praying that there wouldn’t be a cyst and lo and behold, there it was, clear as day on my left side. I kind of just sighed and averted my eyes for the rest of the ultrasound. While looking up at the ceiling, cursing my rotten luck, I asked her if that was a cyst but I didn’t listen to anything after she confirmed that it was. I think I hit the rock bottom of cycle 3 laying there.
At home I had 3 hours to kill by myself while I waited for my mom-in-law to come over. We were set to make stuffed quahogs. We had told her that N’s dad made the best stuffed quahogs and we were sad that we wouldn’t get to try them again. She was a little shocked that he had won best quahog trophy since the two of them had perfected the recipe together so she was coming over to show me how to make them and to see if there was a difference in taste. N’s cousin came over too. I really needed that distraction.
All the while I was trying to understand what the universe has been trying to teach me. Why are there always delays? Why is this so difficult? Why why why? While waiting for my mom-in-law, I checked in with two IVF friends who was having a hard time. One is starting her first (and hopefully only) round of IVF, the other is about to start her last of insurance covered rounds. I spoke to another IVF friend about my issues with this round taking strength from her and passing it on to the others. Talking to these lovely ladies really helped me forget my problems and that says a lot.
On Sunday, I felt better about our situation. At peace. I told N about my bestie IVF friend who I mentioned before. She’s finally pregnant after 7 rounds and N said “See, it will happen for us eventually.”
I really am inspired by her and all of you who have been through this ringer multiple times. Not to take anything away from anyone who has been successful after one IVF round or one IUI, but to have to endure this BS multiple times is insane to me. Insane and awe inspiring. I think it takes a strong spirit to dust yourself off and get up and start again. This might sound weird but I’m on the cusp of going into my 4th round (I know I’m not out of this yet but I’m trying to be statistically realistic) and I think I’m almost in the realm of these super hero women. These women who I look up to. But I don’t feel like a super hero. All my friends keep telling me how brave I am but I don’t feel brave. I just do what I gotta do. I know what I want and this is what I have to do to get it. Anyone else would do the same.
The best part of this time of introspection has been taking joy in my friends’ pregnancies amidst my own tears over my inability to do the same. It’s been feeling good about helping others who are struggling. Imparting a little bit of wisdom and empathy I’ve gained over this time. And learning and taking strength from people who have been there before.
I guess what I’m trying to say is if you find yourself about to start another round of IVF, or IUI or temping, take solace in the fact that each failure makes you more wise, empathetic, brave (yes, you are brave) and so strong.
This journey is of course about having your best dream realized at the end of it. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery. Don’t stop learning. Don’t stop teaching.