G’bye Beer… For a bit…

I don’t have an official calendar from the clinic. Just some scribbles on a post-it. All my IVF information is mostly only post-it’s. I do transfer all the information to my calendar at home and my little diary in my bag. Just so it’s a bit more official looking. Here’s my latest post-it:

20141016_143304Basically, I have to be on the pill for 12 days (whoop!) then my suppression check (where they check to see if my ovaries and uterus are quiet and ready for stimulation) is on the 23rd. Before then I have to have a  pre-op physical to check my heart and lungs. Which I did, but what a story. Apparently I have to pay for a physical out of pocket unless I got my primary care physician… which I don’t have… because my insurance plan said it’s not necessary. Well, I guess it’s more necessary than I thought. I’ll get one soon. But I had to pay $150 to have it done at the walk-in. That dr is an absolute trip. An old lady who judges you behind the closed door then walks in all smiles. I can only laugh. She had some words with the nurse about why I didn’t have a PCP then walked in and acted as if the walls weren’t made of rice paper. Oh well. At least I’m physically fit.

credit: Madagascar

credit: Madagascar

I also had to call my insurance pharmacy place to get my meds delivered. They’ll be arriving next Wednesday on the 22nd and if my suppression is good then I can start injecting myself. Maybe that’s when it’ll start to feel real.

So, I know I should have been preparing my body for this a while ago. Luckily I don’t smoke or drink coffee. And I try to limit carbs as much as I can. It’s easier than it sounds until pizza Friday rolls around :). But I did make a promise to myself to quit drinking. This has been the most difficult thing to do so far. Yes it’s only been 6 days and I hardly ever drink during the week anyway but just the thought of not being able to makes me sad. And just our luck we have at least one party every weekend for the rest of this month. But I’m hoping to go alcohol free until after the retrieval. I probably sound like I have a drinking problem. I don’t care! This is who I am. The only motivation is the thought that every beer I say ‘no’ to means 1 healthy eggy. Obviously, not at all fact based but it helps.

Come on next Wednesdayyy!! Why is this week draaaggiiiing!

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A Momentary Lapse of Composure

I’m annoyed right now. I think writing is cathartic and I’m hoping that the following run-on sentences will help me process my emotions. So we went to our follow up appointment today and I probably got the wrong impression because I thought I would get my plan of action today and actually I was hoping I would have something tangible to grab onto so that I know that this actually happening. I hate being in this pre-ivf limbo. It’s infuriating.

Please excuse the bad grammar, spelling, swear words… Here goes:

so…

I honestly in my heart of hearts thought we’d go there and sign all the paperwork and pay them the fucking 2grand we owe them and get this shit going.

we drove 1.5hrs and the GD doctor got there HALF AND HOUR late and then all he did was tell us the results of our tests WHICH WE KNEW!!!! so we walk in there and he’s like oh these are your test results. yes mofo, you call us with all the test results as they you get them. I know this shit. where do I sign?

so he’s like okay you have 2 choices, donor sperm or ivf with icsi and pgd. yes asshole we told you we don’t want to do donor sperm. we’re doing the latter. where do I sign?

no no.. we’re going to set up another appointment with me for an hour so we can go through the paperwork…

uh this paperwork… that’s in front of us now?
yes…
*blink* …
and you have to meet with our pgd nurse to discuss your pgd plan….
uhh the plan that we discussed with the genetics counsellor that you referred us to who sent you the plan that you have in front of you right now…???

yes that plan but it’s with OUR nurse….

*blink*

oh and we can’t seem to find a day when I’m in the office and the nurse is in the office. hahaha it may be a few weeks til we see each other again to discuss things that you already know and possibly not sign anything cos we like to make you spend money for office visits.

okay doc, sounds good. we’ll let ourselves out. eat a dick.

frustrated-meme-300x271
*breathe*
Okay… okay…
I’m more annoyed at myself for not questioning him more. I don’t know why I get angry about this stuff after the fact. He could see I was annoyed and said that I wouldn’t be able to start this month anyway because I have to wait for my period next month. so it’s a mixture of me having unrealistic expectations and my body only being ready once a month. fuck nature.
apologies for the quality of that gif. it's how I feel now lol

apologies for the quality of that gif. it’s how I feel now

*breathe again*
I need to regroup. This journey isn’t something you can plan it seems and if I’m this upset about the first not-even-real bump in the road then I have some big surprises in store. I actually have some other big things going on in my life right now. Two of which are 2 trips home to SA for 3 weddings. 1 at the end of November and then again next year July for another 2, one of which is my brother’s wedding which I canNOT miss. So I don’t really know why I was so hard up to start this month anyway, I would have to miss my brother’s wedding if I happened to get pregnant this year.
Okay, I’m okay now. That was just momentary lapse of composure… The fact of the matter is that aside from staying healthy and on top of things that are in my control, the rest is really up to the fertility gods. So whatever man. I’m not going to worry about it anymore… I’m going to try :).
In other news… I turned 33 on the 21st. I didn’t have a for real party because I think those days are over. But I play kickball in a co-ed league with some friends from work and afterwards we usually go for a drink which is really one of the best parts of the week for me. We just happened to play on my birthday so I just made everyone come out drinking with me afterwards and I made hubby and some other friends go too. I had the best time. The parts I remember anyway. For some reason my birthday makes me emotional when I see all the love I receive on the day. I love love love my birthday and this one was up there with the best. I feel like after 4 years of being in a foreign country I’ve solidified a fantastic group of friends whom I treasure and wouldn’t change for the world and the fact that they all came out to celebrate with me confirms that the friendship isn’t one sided (lol) and that really is the best part of every birthday. Knowing that I am loved and I have people I can call my friends… Yes, yes, my insecurity is showing :). Here’s a tiny collage from the night. The watermelon was a gift. One of the players is a farmhand. I love it.
[edit: picture removed for anonymity]
Thanks for letting me vent. Happy Wednesday and baby dust to all my ttc sisters! You’re all at varying points in your journey and I’m following you all closely and sending out positive vibes and well wishes and I’ll pray if you need me to pray.

More needles…

I’m really happy about how quickly the blood test results got back to me. Not so happy about the actual results. Turns out my prolactin and tsh levels were a problem and they wanted me to go back this morning to get more blood. *sob*

I think this is the universe prepping me for what’s to come. I know I have to “man up” because this is only the tip of the iceberg but it hurts *whiiiine*.

In other news… If anyone’s keeping score, I’m officially out of the 21 day challenge at the office. I had a clam cake… and I regret nothing. Here’s my name on the white board of shame.

[edit: picture removed for anonymity]

Aaaand… I stopped doing Insanity for a while too. I’ve been suffering from some crazy headaches over the past few weeks. They’ve since gotten way better but doing hardcore workouts was not helping at all. I’ll pick it up again soon. Either that or I’ll just revert back to my old couch potato ways. Only time will tell.

Track of the Week!

Track of the Week!

I really should’ve done this ages ago but I’m doing it now because he’s on my mind…

A dear friend of mine was killed in a car accident a few months ago. He was only 27. It was tragic. These events are always tragic. I don’t want to dwell on his death since I believe I’ve processed the worst of it and the thoughts I have of him are only happy now.

Anyway, this is a track that he made (he was a budding trance music producer). I only found this song after his passing and it’s absolutely beautiful. It totally encompasses his spirit. I see his smiling face clearly when I listen to it and it makes me smile.

Thanks for always, and I mean always, making me smile Aidy-boy.

https://soundcloud.com/soul-sygnals/think-happy-thoughts

Track of the Week!

Gonna make this quick because we have to go shopping and stuff.

This one is in honour of my girls. My friend and I are reminiscing about our clubbing days and this one was one of our faves and yes, there was a dance 🙂

The intro is awfully long so skip forward to 2:00

Enjoy it!!
He Not In by Chicken Lips.