Firstly, thank you so much to everyone for the condolences. Things are getting a little easier everyday.

I’ve had a tough time getting on board with these embryos. I’m trying to see the good in distancing myself emotionally but I also feel bad that I’m not thinking about them everyday like I normally would. It’s a strange place to be in. Yesterday I missed the phone call for the fertilization report, when before I remember obsessing and being almost in tears waiting for the call. We do currently have 7 fertilized embryos, so it’s good news. I know that. But we’ll see how it goes.

The egg retrieval was a shitty day actually. We got there bright and early at 6:45 for an 8am retrieval. We were second in line and it was really quiet and calm there. TMI but we were a little worried about N’s contribution since he hadn’t “contributed” in a long time and also would he be in a good state of mind to “contribute” that day? I was more than a little worried about him but everything was okay on his end.

Retrieval was routine but the anesthetist told me to have my frequent heartburn checked because it’s bad for the esophagus. Anyway, I came out okay and we were told that they got 11 eggs and we were on our way shortly after. We took the elevator down and I started to feel cramping on my left side. Almost like IBS cramps. They had us sit down for a bit because N hadn’t been checked out yet. When I sat down the pain had begun to radiate up my back on the left side and I could barely breathe or speak. Poor N seemed confused and worried because I was chuckling about something not 2 minutes prior. I started crying when the lady at the front desk came over. They had to get a wheelchair and take me back up to the retrieval area. I climbed back into the bed and they had to put in a new IV to give me pain meds. Thankfully they worked within seconds but they made me very drowsy and I passed out holding N’s hand. They woke me a little while later and I realised he was still holding my hand. He was playing games on his phone with his other but I still felt the love :).

I was still extremely dizzy when we left and it was the absolute longest drive home. I was feeling so sorry for myself, I just put my shades on and let the tears flow. We only got home around 12:30 and poor N had to go back to work. I had two major naps and felt a whole lot better afterwards. Emotionally and Physically. I never got to ask what would cause that kind of pain though. It was not fun.

I’m now 2 days post retrieval and finally not dizzy anymore. By the way, I completely forgot about this but the Lupron trigger sucks! About 30min after I took it I was incapacitated by the worst nausea and dizziness ever. I was in the middle of cooking and it came out of nowhere. It was so bad N made me call the clinic to ask wtf. The on call dr said I was making the whole thing up because Lupron doesn’t do that. She asked if I was nervous when I took the shot. Sigh. Whatever. It eventually went away after a few hours and the whole of the next day I was off kilter and had bad diarrhea and honestly the dizziness only went away today and I’m only saying that because I haven’t moved much yet.

So I think my FIL’s passing,  the bad Lupron experience and the shitty retrieval just made me a shitty weepy mess all weekend and as much as I want us to have some good babies to transfer, I can’t shake this feeling that more tears are coming.

Sorry for the depro post. I am feeling a little better today. We’re going to N’s brother’s graduation party at 3 so it will be nice to be around his family again for a little bit celebrating something good amidst the sadness.

I will keep you all posted with today’s results.

xxx