4 more years before this blog becomes a lie hahaha…*sob*.

The day (The 21st) itself was pretty underwhelming. In fact, I’m still harbouring a few hurt feelings because it wasn’t a grand show seeing as how it’s likely my last birthday with just husband and I (and cats) but when you’re saving for maternity leave and paying for a very expensive renovation, your options are pretty limited. But I certainly felt the love around me as I always do on my birthday.

I also did an FB announcement about Lucky Bean’s impending arrival. That, too, was nerve wracking since I hardly ever post anything on FB. Afterwards I felt a bit sheepish, like that was way too much attention for me to handle (I guess I’m not a real Leo). I knew I never wanted to announce but I was in really high spirits after reading and replying to the wishes it just felt like a good time to do it. But it’s done now and again, that love was felt. I didn’t outright mention IVF but I did allude to the fact that there was a struggle. But I don’t think anyone picked up on it.

So that’s it. 36.

I went back and read a few post around last year’s birthday month just to see where I was at emotionally compared to now. Now that my biggest dream of the past few years has come true.

Again last year’s birthday was actually way better than this year. We spent the weekend in New Hampshire with our friends and spent a day slow tubing on the Saco River. It was simply glorious. This year I just ate my body weight in sushi and korean bbq. Still, not the worst but last year was better.

However, last year this time we had come off our 4 failed IVF cycle. Our worst fail to date. We retrieved the most eggs of any cycle but not one of them made to biopsy. We were at our wits end with our RE and just at the absolute lowest of low. Also, a few days after my birthday our RE eventually told us he was out of ideas and we didn’t have any plans to move forward.

As much as I remember that wretched feeling, I distinctly remember being happy as a lark on the actual day. It’s very important to grasp tightly to moments of happiness when you’re struggling with infertility and that was a really good day to be grasping.

And now this year, I’ve been flying pretty high most days but my birthday weekend was kinda of rough. I’m attributing it to hormones because by Tuesday I was fine. I cried a lot and I was irrationally angry a lot and I there really wasn’t any good reason.

But despite all that. Seeing how far we’ve come and to finally be here is so amazing. Yes work is stressing me the hell out and this reno is a pain in the behind but last year around this time I was crying in our RE’s office as he was telling us that he doesn’t want to move forward with more treatments and that he was out of ideas. And yesterday we saw our very last lonely embryo… in 3D… as a little person. With my nose and his dad’s mouth. Frowning, probably because someone was poking at him and disturbing his all day dancing.

As much as I think that last year’s birthday was way better than this years. There’s obviously no doubt in my mind that this August and this year, in fact, is on a whole other playing field in terms of awesome-ness.

The point that we all know, I’m sure, is that you never know what’s going to happen a year from now. My 2015 birthday month I’d just started a new job with new insurance and omg I was filled with hope. My 2014 birthday month we just started finding out about our diagnosis and what it would mean for our future. Gosh in ’09 I was single and so so brokenhearted and then in ’10 I was in another country with a boy I met online!

We all have different stories and big changes and little changes from year to year but my hope is that if you find yourself in a difficult year, try to remember that it won’t last forever. It can’t. And if you find yourself having the best year of your life, just cling to it with all your might because you just never know.

❤ ❤

 

***

P.S. I’ve added a new page to the site with some ultrasound pics and my 2 lonely bump pics, if you’re interested.

P.P.S I just re-read the title of the post. OMG 36. That’s so weird.