Am I Okay Now?

This is the post where, if you’re fortunate enough to be carrying a child after infertility, you reflect on whether or not pregnancy announcements or pregnant bellies still send you into a downward spiral of despair. Everyone’s experience is different but I think the short answer to “Are you okay now?” is “kind of”. Yes it can be a lot easier to bounce back but it’s still a painful reminder of what you’re not able to do spontaneously.

For me, in particular, all the announcements I’ve experienced since my own are for second babies and the reminder that a second baby for us being highly unlikely is something I’m not ready to think about yet and seeing second or third pregnancy announcements forces my head into that space for a short while.

The one thing I’m especially not proud of is in my infertility group on FB. The one I spoke about where the ladies weren’t vibing for a while. I’d mentioned that everyone in that group had a baby already while I was still waiting and I’d started to feel out of touch with them. We’re a year or so on and they’re all either pregnant with number 2, trying for baby number 2 or have had baby number 2 and are trying for number 3. I should be ecstatic for them. But most times when I see their positive tests it just makes me feel how I felt when I was seeing their first positive tests and I had nothing.

The good thing about all this is that the bounce back is incredibly quick. I remember feeling despair for at least a full day but lately it’s just a quick pang. Maybe 20 minutes of me feeling very sorry for myself and then it’s over and I can move on. Lucky Bean is very active lately and when I’m down he’s very good at giving me quick taps to remind me that everything is okay and I love him for it.

I don’t know if this makes me sound ungrateful. This is obviously not the case. I don’t know how to rationalize these feelings. I think it’s just that when I’ve lived my entire life planning a big family. Then getting older and just wanting 3 or 4 kids. Then eventually finding myself struggling to have a child and just hoping for the opportunity to maybe have 2 to eventually having that dream half way realised. I now find myself in transition again to being content with just one child. Each time you have to mourn the loss of those dreams and it just takes a while to get to a place where you’re okay with it.

I know the future isn’t set in stone. I might still get that opportunity. I’m just sharing where I’m at today in this journey to motherhood.

All that being said, there have been 5 pregnancy announcements (3 within the same month) that would have knocked me off my feet and destroyed me if they’d happened a few months ago. But thanks to my awesome doctor and nurses I’m able to smile and feel real joy in the wake of pregnancy news and that feeling is something I am absolutely grateful for.

So while I’m not 100% okay now, perhaps when I have him in my arms I will be even more okay. Or if the universe is really kind I could be 100% okay.

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19 thoughts on “Am I Okay Now?

  1. I also can totally relate to all of this!! I ha as special spot in my heart for anyone who has expeirenced infertility has 1, 2, 3 or more children. And it’s so much easier now then it used to be. But I’ll admit, im still not 100% okay with announcements and I doubt I ever will be.

  2. I’m just starting to contemplate believing in this (my first potentially successful) pregnancy, and I think I’ll feel a whole hell of a lot better when my baby finishes college. LOL. (Kind of kidding — once a baby is here, and we have something to occupy our minds with other than nausea and anxiety, I have a feeling things will be a lot more fun! There will still be anxiety, of course, but there will also be a baby.)

    I guess I’m “lucky” in a way that if this pregnancy works, I’ll know I can carry, and I’ve already gone to “the end of the line” when it comes to carrying, which is donor embryos. And I’m happy with it. Theoretically there’s no limit to the number of kids we can have this way (as long as we can pay for it, that is), though we plan to stop at 2! (Of course, we’re hoping for number 2 to be a “happy accident,” but definitely not counting on it.)

    I am a little bummed that, best case scenario, I’ll be 38 when I have my first kid. This was definitely not in our plans. We planned to have our LAST kid at 36. But hey, it’s all the more reason to stay healthy and young-at-heart.

    And right now I’m so excited for this pregnancy, it’s hard to feel much of anything about anyone else’s. Maybe it’s that feeling I hear about that “This was the baby we were meant to have.” And when I hear mindlessly fertile women complaining about their pregnancy or their kids, I almost feel sorry for them. I think, “If you’d been through what we’ve been through, your attitude would be very different!”

    (And yes, I have complained, but most of it is anxiety projected somewhere else!)

    I just hope this keeps going well so I’m not thrown back into the deep pit…

    • I’m bummed about my age as well. Have to keep pics of Janet Jackson around for motivation if we decided to do this again. I’m glad that you’re in a good place and able to not think about anyone else’s pregnancies :). That really is a good place.

      • Don’t get me wrong — I most definitely get pangs at the weirdest times. Little flashes of resentment. But just recently we got the first reasonably concrete good news in four long years, so it’s a little easier these days to let things slide off our backs! We’ll see how it lasts…

        Plus, I would have been a disaster of a parent in my twenties. I’ll be an awesome parent now.

        I like to say: Everything happens for a reason. And if not, it’s easy enough to make one up 😉

  3. I get this too! I always thought I’d have 2 or 3 kids then over the past while had to come to terms with the fact that I’d be incredibly lucky to just have one! I joined a fb group of other irish women due the same month as me and some are on their 4th pregnancy already! That just stings. I also hate when I hear people saying things like “it’s selfish to only have one child” because most likely our child will be an only child (unless for some miracle). Whenever I find myself feeling a little jealous towards women on their 2nd/3rd or even 4th pregnancy, I remind myself that this is something extra special about being pregnant with your first and it helps me appreciate this time even more.

  4. I think what you’re feeling is very reasonable given the circumstances. I would consider exiting that Facebook group though. If you’re not enjoying your experience in that community there is no shame in taking it out of your life. xx

    • You’re right. I’ve muted them but I’m quite close with 2 of them in the group. We chat outside of FB and I go in to check when they update everyone. They’re both trying for number 2 and I’m happy for them. I guess I’m just not connected to the other ladies.

      • That’s ok. They don’t have to know you’ve muted them. Just be vague about it all. Most people are more focused on themselves so they probably won’t even notice. Meanwhile you’ll be oblivious to all their annoying baby chat.

  5. I think it’s normal to feel this way. I only get that feeling over certain announcements. If it’s someone I know has struggled, then I don’t, I just feel happy for them. If it’ someone who gets pregnant at the drop of a hat, or someone I don’t really like (is that horrible lol!?!?) then I do get upset. It’s a hard place to be mentally, and I think it’s something that stays with you for a long time, if not forever.

  6. Normal! I was just saying to my husband the other day that I still feel jealous of people who announce they’re pregnant when they’ve been trying for about 5 minutes. He feels the same. I also feel jealous that others can be so confident in their pregnancy that they tell people when they’re less than 12 weeks and never seem to have an anxious moment (though perhaps that’s just a front). I still feel this jealousy even though I’m pregnant and I don’t think that it will ever completely go away. But I am finding it easier to accept my feelings.

  7. Seeing this one now! We will always sympathize and feel infertile, I think. We’ve been through too much not to understand that side better. But, after your little bean is born, you will get to join this strange world of talking about your child, planning the next thing with them…it’s incredible! So excited for you.

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