Riding the Wave

Things have been… different since hitting the third trimester. It’s physically a bit more difficult but nothing I can’t handle and emotionally it’s been a bit taxing as well.

I always said that I would never complain if I was ever so lucky to be in this position and for the most part I think I’ve been okay. There have been days when I’ve been in tears wondering if I actually did deserve this miracle. I know most women would kill to be in my shoes and here I am crying silently on the toilet on day who-knows of violent constipation and painful gas.

I was in a bit of a state when I first noticed the hemorrhoids too. I thought I was doing so well but I guess I just drew the short straw on that one. And then a few days later I failed the 1 hour glucose test. That was a really low point for me. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.

I was given this incredible gift and I was ruining it. Am I not supposed to be glowing with pride every single day? The picture of joy?

I know I’m only human and I should really give myself some grace. I’ve had to dig deep these past few days. Thankfully this past weekend was a good weekend and I had to remind myself of the mantras. Just ride the wave. Cling to the good moments with all my might and give myself some grace on the bad days.

On Saturday I did the 3hr glucose test and in the 3hrs I was there I re-read blog posts and found birth stories and tried to remind myself that I wouldn’t change any of this for world. Not the constant night peeing. Not the fact that I can’t take a full breath anymore or that bending over is more effort than it’s worth.

Afterwards we had our baby shower (thrown by my amazing friend B and my mom in law – They are fantastic) and it was everything I needed. Seeing most of our family and friends in one room again was really re-energizing and wonderful. Everyone seemed to have a good time and I laughed… I really laughed a lot and it felt so good.

I listened to mom’s tell no sugar-coated birth stories and mom stories. I got advice on hemorrhoids and gestational diabetes. I got sympathetic nods and compliments on my small bump. I was told not to get up to say goodbye when guests left. I did but it was nice to be fawned over.

The food was good, the dessert was better (3 words, creme brulee cheesecake). The games were fun.

When we got home and snuggled under a blanket, too tired to make it through a late night movie, I breathed slowly through one of the painful cramps that started a couple of weeks ago and I smiled… and then I got up to pee… again.

I wonder if that’s why they throw baby showers. To remind women who are having a less than easy 3rd trimester that it’s all going to be awesome in the end.

 

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16 thoughts on “Riding the Wave

  1. I am a firm believer that everyone has the right to complain about pregnancy and parenting, even after infertility. It’s never going to perfect and we should make ourselves pretend it is. But, what we can do is treasure the good moments that much more because we know how fortunate we are to have the good moments. ☺
    Wishing you the best in the coming weeks!!

  2. My miracle baby is now 5 years old and there are still days that I think how did I get this blessed to have her. There are nights that I lay in my bed thinking wow I have a miracle sleeping in this house. I remember when she was a baby how I would wake up in the middle of the night just to make sure it wasn’t a dream and that she really did exist.

  3. Ah I’ve had a bumpy third trimester due to my tooth which is thankfully now fixed. I felt guilty about complaining too, but then realised that it’s just normal. I’m now 37 weeks and trying to focus on doing nice things for myself (lunches, swimming, haircuts etc) and not worry too much as that is best for bubs and best for me. I do have a pessimistic streak after all that has happened and won’t fully believe we have a baby until he is in my arms, but I’m trying to go with it too. X

    • I remember the tooth ordeal. I know it’s nowhere near the same but after I get my braces tightened it’s a miserable few days as well that adds to this funk of mine. I’ve actually lined up a hair colour appointment soon. I need to do more of that.

  4. Girl, you are killing it! When you said you’d never complain about pregnancy, you’d never experienced pregnancy before. It’s okay to say, hey I was wrong and this is hard now that I know what’s it like. Having empathy for yourself doesn’t mean you have less empathy for people struggling with infertility. Your blog posts remain sensitive and interesting, and I still love following your life 🙂

  5. Third trimester is no joke. Just because you wanted this so badly for so long does not make it easier. I really think the struggles of later pregnancy is natures way of getting us ready for birth. It gets so miserable, the actual act of birth sounds ideal to end the misery. I used witch hazel cleansing pads every time I used the bathroom (even to pee) for hemorrhoids and it worked wonders after only about a day. Sending my love.

  6. You can absolutely complain during pregnancy, even after IF crap! It’s not easy, it’s very hard on your body and your mind, so if you need to vent or cry or scream, go ahead! I hope you pass your 3 hour glucose test. I’m so glad you had a lovely shower! It is nice to be fawned over for a while 🙂

  7. You are allowed to complain! Just because you find something hard or challenging, doesn’t mean you aren’t incredibly grateful. Pregnancy is tough. It is physically and emotionally gruelling. As is parenting. There have been times in the last year I have cried wondering what I have done and that I am not cut out for motherhood, times where I was bored or counting down the minutes till my husband was home from work.

    But I wouldn’t change it for the world. For all the tough and difficult times, there have also been amazing, wonderful and sometimes hilarious moments. I am in awe of how lucky I am.

    Being able to express difficulties is important. Infertility is tough, pregnancy is tough, parenting is tough. But being able to ask for support makes everything easier. Glad you had excellent support at your shower 😊

  8. Aw. I know what you mean. I love being pregnant with the twins most of the time but I do have my bad days when I’m uncomfortable or feeling low (and then all my feelings about previous miscarriages and struggles seem to surface without warning) then I feel terribly guilty as I’m so grateful to be in this position. You don’t have to be a hero – pregnancy can be tough! Also, be aware that there is some evidence that those who have struggled with infertility are more susceptible to post natal depression partly because they don’t want to or feel able to ask for help or to complain about things being tough. X

  9. Ahh the 3rd trimester! You are certainly trying very hard to be sure about yourself. You are a good momma! You totally deserve your child and all the feelings you have felt regarding ‘deserving to be pregnant with your miracle’ – i felt them too. I am sure lots of people felt them aswell. Just enjoy the remaining days and dont beat yourself with guilt. Keep your mind occupied and complete small projects for him – you will certainly have a huge smile and deep feeling of love while doing them. All the best with your pregnancy!

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