I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I know it can be a difficult holiday for some. I, personally, have never had trouble with any family gathering. Even in low points in my journey I always found spending time with loved ones re-energising and I just love it. But if you do find any type of gathering saps your energy or makes you feel less than, then know that you are in my thoughts and I hope that you made it through Thanksgiving okay this year. xx

Ours was really good. I won’t bore you with details but it was nice to see everyone again and to catch up and more importantly to eat everything in sight.

Yesterday, I had another appointment. This time I wore my lucky IVF socks and I wrote down all my questions. I just wanted us to get on the same page instead of just sitting there and taking it all in. I’ve also decided that I do not want anymore cervical checks because they suck. So I saw the gel on the table and I was preparing myself to do some serious advocating for myself. Luckily I didn’t have to. It was just a quick blood pressure, fetal heartbeat and tummy measurement check. She said that she felt a head on my top left but let’s keep hoping this little stinker gets his act together.

She’s booked me for an ultrasound next week and if he’s still breech we’ll make an appointment to manually turn him. Woohoo! The socks worked and I didn’t have to fight for an ECV. We talked about how the procedure works, the risks involved and the success rates. I asked all my questions and wrote down all her answers (kinda) and we had a good talk.

I know an ECV isn’t ideal but I’d really like to avoid a scheduled c-section if I can. Or at least say that I’ve tried everything I can. If it doesn’t work and Lucky decides he’s happy where he is then so be it.

Real talk: I worry that I’ll experience some postpartum because I’m not getting the birth that I want. It makes me sad to think about it now. I mean I listen to birth podcasts, I’m on birthtube on fb (it’s great btw if you like birth videos). I read birth without fear blogs. I have fully immersed myself in this world and I’ve just stopped now because they make me sad thinking I may not get the opportunity. It really does feel like infertility again. Like I’m being robbed of something that should be the norm.

That being said, I have the tools to dig myself out of this funk. I have the experience of shifting my mindset and being okay with my new path. I can do it but right now it just hurts.

But I’m doing what I can. I’m looking for planned c-section videos and birth stories and working towards being okay with it. What’s helping the most is that when I think about the day we found out we were having little Lucky every single drop of  hurt and shitty feelings about how we got there was gone and it was just pure happiness. So I know for a fact that once we hear his voice and see his face, how he got into our arms won’t matter at all.

Right now I just have to get out of my own way and let life unfold.

I apologise if I sound a bit ungrateful but I’m hoping you can appreciate the feelings I’m feeling.

Today’s been a bit aggravating as well. I had the worst sleep of my life last night. I was just telling (humble bragging to) my friend that I’ve been sleeping really well considering, and last night I was up at 3 and just could not fall back asleep. Surrounded by 3 cats and a husband all happily snoozing. I just wanted to cry. Eventually I dozed off by some miracle only to have my alarm go off after what felt like 3 minutes. Then when I got to work my space heater died and let off a nice big smelly cloud of smoke which prompted the entire maintenance team to run downstairs to find out if the building was on fire. Now I’m sitting at my desk freezing with my winter coat wrapped around my legs (I work in the basement next to a server room so there will be no warmth for me ever).

Also, I’m working on a terrible project and the deadline is next Thursday. Guys, I finished this project last month but I needed help from a third party company that runs the site to fix a few issues before I submit. It’s taken a month… a month for these dudes to help. It’s so frustrating. Look, I don’t mind if you can’t find a solution. But don’t go missing for days at a time and make me run around after you and have to explain myself several times. I just hate it so much. I’m so angry. Luckily my boss is now involved and hopefully we’ll get it sorted by next week. Well we have to. But today is one of the days I would much rather just start maternity leave.

Okay, that’s enough whining out of this sorry sack for one day. I have appointments everyday this week (dentist, orthodontist, acupuncture and chiropractor) which I’m excited about. Hopefully my next update will be a bit less mopey and a bit more happy.

Until next time!!