One Year

My baby turned one yesterday!

I left for work when he was asleep so I didn’t see his beautiful face until the evening. Then it was hustle and bustle until his bedtime as usual. I sang “happy birthday” to him while I was changing his diaper but that was about it. We’re having a party for him on Sunday but yesterday  we didn’t really do much. It was just a regular day. In hindsight I think we should have gone out to dinner to at least celebrate the fact that we made it through this year.

Upon reflection, I obviously count myself lucky in that we managed to beat tremendous odds to even have a child. Someone PM’d me on Instagram once and said “You did FIVE rounds of IVF?!!”. I was taken aback at her surprise because when you’re in the thick of treatments you tend to bounce back from disappointment as quick as you can and just power on. I still don’t think I’ve appreciated the gravity of doing 5 rounds of IVF. Perhaps the fact that I have my miracle it seems like it wasn’t so bad. But I know. I know it was bad. I remember the tears and the anger and the jealousy. I remember. But I think maybe I’ve healed a bit… A bit.

This morning I had to drive to work an hour early because I’m leaving an hour early for Lucky’s 1 year well visit at the doctor’s. I was immediately transported to the time when I had to wake up 2hrs early and drive over an hour in the pitch black dark to my monitoring appointments. I remember at the time feeling hopeful and excited to get numbers and nervous if it was a beta draw. This morning as I was doing the drive I thought, with some annoyance, that I’d have to do this again, multiple times, if I ever hoped to have another child. The unfairness of it all hit me really hard.

It sucks. It sucks that it’s not a sure thing. It sucks driving 2+hrs every other day for 2 weeks for something that is not a sure thing. It sucks that I only have one cycle left on insurance so it’s even less of a sure thing. It sucks it sucks it sucks.

But yes, I would 100% do it again in a heart beat. I’d get up in 20 degree weather and drive my cold ass up to where ever to get my blood drawn for the umpteenth time. Hell yeah, I’ll stick myself with a gazillion needles with medication that gives me searing headaches. Sign me up.

Because, and here comes the cliche… It’s so worth it. He’s was so worth it.

In the greater scheme of things he’s been such and easy going little guy. His sleep has finally, for the most part, adjusted and he sleeps through the night. He does have some nights when he’s up every hour so we can’t rest on our laurels but we’re not nearly as sleep deprived as we once were.

He also, up until recently, ate everything you gave him, which is amazing. But the past week or so he’s starting to spit things out so maybe that honeymoon is over. He’s been eating peas all week this week and I don’t know what else to give him.

He has a bit of stranger danger going on. His Christmas pics with Santa were a wash and the other night he cried so bitterly when our friend picked him up. We think it’s beards that he doesn’t like because he just loves the ladies.

He’s not walking yet but I think he’ll surprise us soon. He’s doing everything except taking that one step.

He understands a good amount of words and says “hi” allll the tiiiime and it never gets old, it’s just so cute. He knows a few animal sounds if ask him and he knows a few body parts too. He copies the intonation in our voices when we speak which is just the funniest but I’m definitely going to have a son who drops eff bombs because I can’t watch my mouth.

He is quite dramatic though. I’m sure they all are at this age but he’s in a smacking and growling phase which we don’t know what to do about. We’re trying to ignore it now in hopes that he’ll realize he won’t get a reaction if he does it but it’s tough because it hurts and we don’t know where he picked it up. If he gets frustrated he growls and claws at our faces. He does it to everything though. Toys and teddies. I hope it doesn’t last long. It’s my least favourite of the phases right now. Especially when mixed with my most favourite phase, the kisses. So he’ll kiss me then growl and smack me then throw his head back and cry for no reason!!! So dramatic.

I think that’s it for the one year update. All in all, this part of the journey has been very smoothe. He’s not been sick (knock on wood because he’s been sniffly). He’s generally even tempered (when not frustrated). He’s an absolute champion when we’re out in public. I really think we lucked out with this one. He’s great.

Hopefully it won’t be another year until the next update. But just between you and I, we (N and I) are in talks over a sibling for little Lucky. Perhaps when the craziness of this year is over we can iron out the details in earnest but it’s nice for us to be on the same page but I do have to work through this fear of failure before we proceed. I really just wish it could be a sure thing.

My brother and sister-in-law and niece and nephew are coming to stay with us for Christmas. The land tomorrow evening and I am beside myself with excitement. Tomorrow is also my last day of work for 2018 so I’m really beside myself. I want to wish all of you a very awesome Christmas and an even awesomer New Year. If this holiday season is a struggle for you, I hope that you’re able to find joy in something and cling to it with all your might. This is season is a mixed bag for me. I love it but I hate it because I’m the most homesick. I’m looking forward to being surrounded by N’s family (and a small portion of mine EEEK!) but I am also dreading when my brother leaves because I know I will be inconsolable. I’ve actually booked a therapy appointment for the day after they leave, just for added support.

Anyway, I’ve rambled on for long enough. I think of all of you often and I hope everyone is taking care of themselves.

xx

 

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15 thoughts on “One Year

  1. Happy Birthday Lucky!! And congrats on making It through the first year Mom and Dad!

    I know what you mean about all of it not seeming so bad once your miracle is here, but also still remembering how awful it all was. I think it is just that we have a huge distraction now and no time to think about it!

    I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with the family!!

  2. It’s crazy thinking back on everything that went before, isn’t it! I still have moments where I look at my daughter and can’t believe she is actually here. Even though she is absolutely worth every injection and procedure that I had to put myself through, I personally can’t bear the thought of doing it all again especially with no guarantee that it would work.. Sometimes I feel sad that we won’t be able to give her a sibling but luckily my husband and I mainly feel complete with her and have accepted that we’ll be a family of three. I’ll be following along with your journey for a sibling, wishing and praying for you though!

  3. Happy Birthday Lucky!!! Yay for making it a year!! Honestly, year 2 was AMAZING with my little dude, he just turned 2. Such a FUN age!!

  4. Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday! We’re just about to the point to be thinking about a sibling, and it’s pretty tiring to think about. Mostly we’re just hoping for a “happy accident,” but odds are probably low! Thankfully we know a path that’s virtually guaranteed to work (donor embryos) with a high but known and limited price if all else fails and we are sure we want to go for a sibling. I’m also thankful we’re in touch with the mother of Ali’s genetic sister!

  5. I love this update! Happy Birthday to Lucky! There is SO much to love about this upcoming stage as you watch them begin to open up to the world around them and experience things for the first time where they understand. I think it was possibly my favorite stage so far.

    I am sending you lots of hugs and thoughts as you are dealing with the desire for wanting a second child and the understanding of what it will require from you guys. I will say that it is very different. There is more to be distracted by which helps a lot, and, although it’s still scary and painful, you’re no longer fighting to become “mom and dad,” if that makes sense. But it does rip open the wound a bit where you’ve healed and it feels triggering at times. Even still, you are so strong and if this is something you want, I know you are capable of giving it your best shot. xx

  6. I’m late to this but a big well done to you! At 13 months my guy also had a huge food transformation and basically wanted stuff with texture and flavour – real food. So I had to up my game with things like mini burgers and tasty pasta and even frittata. I think they just suddenly realise food is cool and more than mush. It was a bit of a shock to me but actually it’s much more fun. Also don’t sweat it on the walking. They literally can look like they’ll never walk and then just do it the next day. xx

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