No Happiness Allowed

N

We’re almost out of the woods and everything is going really well so far. My beta today more than doubled and I don’t have to go back until next Monday for a final beta. I assume them moving it to next week means they’re feeling confident so that makes me feel good and I even dared to change the settings on my period tracker app.

I really wish I was able to enjoy the tww. I understand that no one finds joy in the two week wait but this one was ย quite particularly difficult.

From day 4 on I started feeling symptoms that I’d never felt before. Even with the ERA when I was on progesterone and estrogen for 10 days I felt nothing like this.

In my heart of hearts I knew this was different. I just knew this was it but with every wave of nausea, with every cramp that made me double over, I just kept askingย myself why? why would this round be any different? Yes we changed protocols but that embryo. It’s the same as the other two that were transferred. Don’t you dare be happy. Don’t you dare.

In fact we did the same protocol as round two and my round two embryo was a better graded embryo than this one. That one was hatching. Why would this embryo take?

Remember all the shit you ate this past month? Remember all the drinking? Remember that bad thought you had about that person? You don’t deserve this. This is not it.

These negative thoughts left me in tears at least once everyday.ย I was a mess. I don’t remember the other two being this hard.

Even after the beta. We told everyone who knew about the transfer (basically all of my friends and family) and that night we went out for N’s cousin’s bday and he told his brother and cousin. His cousin then told everyone at the party (shocked face). I mean it is what it is. I’m not mad at all but the following morning both us were thinking “What have we done?”.

Again that nagging voice came. Don’t you dare be happy. Don’t you dare! Why would you tell people? Good things don’t happen to you.

Today I spent the day with my friend and waited all day until N got home so that we could listen to the latest beta voicemail. Today was the first time I breathed I think. A tiny little quiet breath.

The voice is still there “Seriously dude, no happiness for you”, but it’s quieter now. I have a feeling it won’t ever go away. I think I’m forever scarred but I can ignore it on good days.

I have to actively ignore it. Everyone has been telling me to live in the moment and that helps. When I’m done with this post I may even download an actual app (recommendations welcome).

You haven’t won yet voice in my head. You’re 0 for 2 so far, so G…T…F…O… please.

Thank you everyone for the kind messages on my last post. I haven’t read everything yet but I will do so right now. And I hope everyone had a good Easter weekend.

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28 thoughts on “No Happiness Allowed

  1. Oh boy do I know that feeling about not letting the happiness creep in. It almost felt like I was jinxing it all if I allowed it. Around a month ago I finally made a decision to train my brain to think like a fertile. If I had a strange cramp I pushed away the dread and forced myself to think ‘the baby is growing’ etc. After making a big mental effort over and over it finally feels a little more natural. I still don’t feel the blissful ignorance but I can push out the negative easier. Anyway- the early dates are wrought with nerves so by no means am I saying your mind needs to be stronger ( I was a MESS) just simply saying at some point these exercises might help you settle into it. Xoxo

  2. Oh gosh, something tells me there will always be nervousness and fears. But something also tells me that with each passing day those emotions will lesson ever so slightly. I am going to be cheering for you each and every day, I am just so happy and excited for you!!! โค

  3. You have said from before your transfer that this time was different. I feel like sometimes we just know. The morning of my FET, I woke up first thing in the morning and was slammed with the immediate thought “This is going to work, and it’s going to be a girl.” And guess what, that intuition was correct. Of course you probably won’t ever let go of that doubt, and that’s okay…I don’t think we ever do. But just take it one day at a time, and try to live in the moment as much as possible. Some days are definitely easier than others. ๐Ÿ™‚
    On a happier note…I went through probably 20 apps lol. The ones that lasted the duration were Nurture (which has a sister program, Glow baby, which I use now) and Ovia Pregnancy. Hope that helps!

      • It’s the only way I made it through without driving myself crazy with worry. I still worried about things, checked for blood every single time I peed, got concerned over every strange pain or any time I thought it had been too long since I felt her. But overall I made myself stay positive and excited. Thankfully things turned out well. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. That nagging voice is so hard to live with and I’m sorry it’s already there. And unfortunately it’ll probably remain but hopefully lessen with time. Cheering you on!!!!

  5. I am so so so so excited for you! But I also had the same
    feelings when we *finally* were pregnant. It’s ok to guard yourself —but try to enjoy it a little ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰ I keep meaning to ask you what is your Instagram handle ??

  6. The title of this post scared the shit out of me! I’m so happy the 2nd beta went well and keeping my fingers crossed that this is just the beginning of a healthy, happy and full term pregnancy!

  7. Sorry l only just read this. How exciting! Congratulations! I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have to confess that I haven’t even created a blog post since late Feb when I did my FET and I am now nearly 11 weeks pregnant. I didn’t want to jinx it either (or allow myself toto get too happy). I’m still not totally celebrating but had a scan last week (our third – terrifying but wonderful) and next week we’ll have one just after 12 weeks when we’ll officially allow ourselves to be happy. I’ve had to tell work as I’ve been sick/exhausted (I told them last week) and a few friends and family know but we’re still really keeping our excitement in check. I won’t believe it until I’m holding him/her in my hands.

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