A Momentary Lapse of Composure

I’m annoyed right now. I think writing is cathartic and I’m hoping that the following run-on sentences will help me process my emotions. So we went to our follow up appointment today and I probably got the wrong impression because I thought I would get my plan of action today and actually I was hoping I would have something tangible to grab onto so that I know that this actually happening. I hate being in this pre-ivf limbo. It’s infuriating.

Please excuse the bad grammar, spelling, swear words… Here goes:


I honestly in my heart of hearts thought we’d go there and sign all the paperwork and pay them the fucking 2grand we owe them and get this shit going.

we drove 1.5hrs and the GD doctor got there HALF AND HOUR late and then all he did was tell us the results of our tests WHICH WE KNEW!!!! so we walk in there and he’s like oh these are your test results. yes mofo, you call us with all the test results as they you get them. I know this shit. where do I sign?

so he’s like okay you have 2 choices, donor sperm or ivf with icsi and pgd. yes asshole we told you we don’t want to do donor sperm. we’re doing the latter. where do I sign?

no no.. we’re going to set up another appointment with me for an hour so we can go through the paperwork…

uh this paperwork… that’s in front of us now?
*blink* …
and you have to meet with our pgd nurse to discuss your pgd plan….
uhh the plan that we discussed with the genetics counsellor that you referred us to who sent you the plan that you have in front of you right now…???

yes that plan but it’s with OUR nurse….


oh and we can’t seem to find a day when I’m in the office and the nurse is in the office. hahaha it may be a few weeks til we see each other again to discuss things that you already know and possibly not sign anything cos we like to make you spend money for office visits.

okay doc, sounds good. we’ll let ourselves out. eat a dick.

Okay… okay…
I’m more annoyed at myself for not questioning him more. I don’t know why I get angry about this stuff after the fact. He could see I was annoyed and said that I wouldn’t be able to start this month anyway because I have to wait for my period next month. so it’s a mixture of me having unrealistic expectations and my body only being ready once a month. fuck nature.
apologies for the quality of that gif. it's how I feel now lol

apologies for the quality of that gif. it’s how I feel now

*breathe again*
I need to regroup. This journey isn’t something you can plan it seems and if I’m this upset about the first not-even-real bump in the road then I have some big surprises in store. I actually have some other big things going on in my life right now. Two of which are 2 trips home to SA for 3 weddings. 1 at the end of November and then again next year July for another 2, one of which is my brother’s wedding which I canNOT miss. So I don’t really know why I was so hard up to start this month anyway, I would have to miss my brother’s wedding if I happened to get pregnant this year.
Okay, I’m okay now. That was just momentary lapse of composure… The fact of the matter is that aside from staying healthy and on top of things that are in my control, the rest is really up to the fertility gods. So whatever man. I’m not going to worry about it anymore… I’m going to try :).
In other news… I turned 33 on the 21st. I didn’t have a for real party because I think those days are over. But I play kickball in a co-ed league with some friends from work and afterwards we usually go for a drink which is really one of the best parts of the week for me. We just happened to play on my birthday so I just made everyone come out drinking with me afterwards and I made hubby and some other friends go too. I had the best time. The parts I remember anyway. For some reason my birthday makes me emotional when I see all the love I receive on the day. I love love love my birthday and this one was up there with the best. I feel like after 4 years of being in a foreign country I’ve solidified a fantastic group of friends whom I treasure and wouldn’t change for the world and the fact that they all came out to celebrate with me confirms that the friendship isn’t one sided (lol) and that really is the best part of every birthday. Knowing that I am loved and I have people I can call my friends… Yes, yes, my insecurity is showing :). Here’s a tiny collage from the night. The watermelon was a gift. One of the players is a farmhand. I love it.
[edit: picture removed for anonymity]
Thanks for letting me vent. Happy Wednesday and baby dust to all my ttc sisters! You’re all at varying points in your journey and I’m following you all closely and sending out positive vibes and well wishes and I’ll pray if you need me to pray.

4 thoughts on “A Momentary Lapse of Composure

  1. Extremely realistic and truthful post! I’m sorry to say but I had to laugh at the “eat a dick” comment, sooo many times I feel like saying that to people who piss me off. Ha.
    I agree with you that one of the hardest aspects of this whole infertility jungle is that there is so much out of our control. We can’t control how our bodies are going to react, or not react. We can’t control when we will be ready. It’s extremely hard! So vent all you want, I will be praying for you too xo

    • Thank you for the prayers :). Feeling waaay better today. I just couldn’t sleep last night seething over this stuff. But today is better. Had to pray for the strength to accept what I can’t control. xx

  2. I know that we are at different points in our TTC journeys, but I hope you know that I am always here for you to vent, to cry, to eat horrible food with, and to quote Friends in any and all situations. Love you

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