Cycle Buddy Guilt

This are going extremely well this cycle. A little too well. I’m so excited and, at the same time, I’m wrestling my doubt demons. When you’re up so high the fall is going to suck.

Of the 20, 15 were mature and 12 fertilized… 12! and 15 mature?! How is that possible? I’m over the moon. Another baby step win! I’m really trying to stay present in every moment and enjoy this. I think I’m an emotional eater… No, I definitely am. I was so happy I went to buy all the sugar and carbs I could find. All of them.

One thing I’m not enjoying is feeling guilty about the good results. I almost don’t want to post the results on Instagram. I used to hate having cycle buddies. Actually I still kinda don’t like it. Mostly because I was always the “loser”. Most of the women I cycled with are pregnant now and it hurts. And some of them have children and it’s a constant reminder that my baby could have been that age now.

This time, all my cycle buddies aren’t doing as well and I seem to be doing great (I probably just jinxed myself now but whatever, today is great). Now I feel bad. I don’t want others to hurt while I’m not and I especially don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s hurt.

Of course things could turn around for them they are not out of the game yet and I could still end up “losing” but today some of them are disappointed and I feel quite the opposite.

Has anyone experienced cycle buddy guilt? I’m trying to think of a tactful way to share results on Instagram. I mean I could just deactivate the account and not have to deal with it, right?

Anyway, my next call will be on Saturday. Please keep us in your thoughts. This part is so hard.

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23 thoughts on “Cycle Buddy Guilt

  1. Aww man… I wish I had some sage advice for you here. Both of my cycle buddies last time went on to have successful pregnancies (they’re still preg) and i had a miscarriage. Meh. It’s so ridiculously tough to not feel like a horrible person for having conflicting emotions. So if you find an answer to this dilemma, make sure to share it!

  2. I can relate. I have felt it both ways. And I think it stinks both ways. I just wish we all could have our dreams come true at the same time in a much easier way than any of us have had to go through. However, anyone who truly wants the best for you will be happy with your positive results, even if their own cycle is negative. Im so so happy things are looking good for you so far.

  3. I totally get where you’re coming from. On my forum community almost no one had positives the month I did, so I was nervous about sharing the results. I think it’s a natural reaction to being infertile and going through the process of IVF. When it was too hard for me to see success on Instagram, I just unfollowed them. I’m sure that if you shared your results and anyone was really uncomfortable following you still, they’d unfollow you. NBD. I had someone who was due just a few days after I was, then I had a miscarriage and she continued a successful pregnancy. She gave birth earlier this month, and yes I was a bit sad for myself, but I know that the pregnancy I have now is so much better/healthier than my previous one was, so I just remind myself of that, and like and heart her pictures.

  4. I didn’t really have cycle buddies as such, but this time last year I was getting over a miscarriage whilst a lot of my fellow bloggers were pregnant. That was tough. But I do think that seeing positive stories when you are trying (and both have suffered from infertility) is not necessarily a bad thing, even though you have conflicting emotions. I know for me it gave me hope that it does work for some people. So you are giving people hope, even though it is hard when you are still in the trenches. X

  5. My best friend and I were both doing IVF for the first time, it was my second round and her first. We spoke about how amazing it would be if we would get pregnant together and have babies the same age. I was a bit worried about what would happen if it worked for one of us but not the other. In the end it didn’t work out for either of us! It’s really nice having a cycle buddy for the injections stage but then of course it’s difficult on both sides if it works for one person but not the other! I was also on a facebook group for women doing IVF the same month as me. After mine failed I hate to unfollow the group as it just got so hard when some of them started sharing ultrasound pictures and so on. I’ve two good friends who are having IVF babies at the moment and even though it’s hard at times that I’m not there it also gives me hope that my time could be next. So no need to stop your instagram account, keep posting, but just be aware that some of your followers are going through a hard time x

  6. This is tough. I had 2 blogger cycle buddies the first time around, two of us got pregnant and 1 didn’t. It stung a little bit when she unfollowed me but I understand why she did. She did start following again once her next attempt was successful.

    The hardest one for me is when one of my best friends did an ivf cycle the same time I did my fet. Mine worked, she had a miscarriage. I didn’t tell her I was doing the FET or pregnant until 11 weeks along since I didn’t know how to tell her. Her husband has since filed for divorce and our lives are going in 2 completely different directions now so that’s hard.

    At the end of the day, I continued blogging because it was my journey I was documenting and let others decide should they want to follow or not.

  7. It’s hard – I’ve been on both sides of the coin – the important thing to remember is that any successes, no matter how big or small, must be shared to give hope to others!!! You are very lovely for being so thoughtful and tactful about it.
    I’m excited for you with your wonderful numbers of fertilised eggies!! I know this is a hard time because everything is out of your control, but I’m wishing and hoping your embies grow strong over the next few days.
    How are you recovering from the ER? That was a lot of follies they must have burst! I hope you are feeling OK!!! Take it easy 😊

  8. Well first of all, I want to say GOOD LUCK! I know we are all in the TTC world, but try to enjoy the good news. Be hopeful! I know things could go another way, but things are getting better for you! You know you can have 15 mature eggs and 12 fertilized! That’s awesome! Yes, to see positive things makes me jealous, but it also makes me very hopeful! I think everyone TTC needs that hope! The thought that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! I’m happy for you and how well this round is going! I’ll be praying and sending good vibes your way! Can’t wait to hear the results!

  9. Happy for these great results. This journey is so hard, and I think you should celebrate the victories when you have them and try and maintain your positivity. We’ve all been the “loser” and in the end I think all of your buddies want to cheer you on and be supportive, in whatever capacity they can at the time.

    • You’re very right. I’m going to try to remember that. I was very afraid to celebrate day 3. It was beyond the realm of possibility for me, I couldn’t really enjoy it once day 4 rolled around. I hope you are settling in at home. xx

  10. I have struggled with guilt recently. My cousin with the same BT (who has a living child from a previous IVF cycle) is going through what I think is a failed FET. She did a fresh transfer of 2 her first time around after only one cycle, which resulted in her son, but she only had 1 left, and at 10dp5dt with negative HPTs, I’m worried that her only remaining embryo has failed. On the other hand, we are about 25+4 with our first and still have 2 in cryo awaiting future single FETs (which could both fail, who knows). She and I talk a lot, and I know that she regrets transferring two the first time, and I just don’t know what to say to her other than “I’m so sorry,” “I wish I could make this better for you,” and “I’m here if you need to talk to me.”

    It’s worse because I was so hopeful that this transfer would work for her. She is at a great clinic, has had successful pregnancies in the past, and is young. Between me and the optimism from her doctors who told her it would almost certainly work, I feel devastated for her and guilty that I falsely got her hopes up.

    • Oh man. I’m so sorry she is going through this. And you as well. I know it doesn’t feel like you’re not saying the right thing but you are and just being there is enough. Sending you both all my love.

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