“Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself”

When a friend of mine, who’d just had a second baby, asked me if we would try again, I explained that I’d love to but I’m afraid. In not actively trying, having a second child is a choice that I was in control of. If we decided to try again and it ultimately failed then we no longer have that choice and it was scary to have that choice and control taken away.

What I didn’t tell her was that we were already into plans for a 2nd baby and our appointment with the RE was set up and things were happening.

Until now, I still haven’t had the courage to say it out loud and we’ve since met with the RE and we just finished all our pre-cycle testing so things are really really happening.

I don’t know where I am mentally. I mean I know my family is not complete and I know that this is what we need to do to complete it so these facts are keeping me moving forward but every time I dwell on the negatives I want to quit while we’re “ahead”. So I’m clinging to the exciting bits. The possibilities. And so far there’s been good and not so good news but our RE is on board and eager (from what I can read on his all-business face) so off we go!

The story thus far:

The meeting with the RE was typical. We have no frozen embryos so we have to start from scratch. We don’t have to do another ERA (yay) but we did have to do all the pre-cycle testing, including a hysteroscopy (boo). He dropped the “let’s not wait because you’re old af” line but with such finesse that I didn’t mind. He also said that because N had to go to St Thomas (zika zone) for work that we’d have to delay 3 months or use our frozen sample. I think we’re going to use his frozen sample because … old af. And lastly the PGD lab we used before merged with another so we would have to register with them and do another genetics consult. The price for their testing a potentially more expensive (750 per embryo instead of 2k for 8) but we usually only get 2 or 3 embryos to test so not too worried about that. All in all it was a positive appointment. All questions were answered etc etc.

My hysteroscopy was yesterday and it was something else. After the last one I swore I would never do it again. The pain, for me, was almost on par with labour. So the drive to the clinic was extremely difficult and in that hour I had built the pain up so much I almost turned the car around. I don’t know how I made it through that. I explained to him that the last time it hurt a lot and I was shaking and near to tears. He of course said it shouldn’t be more than a bit crampy. I pulled a face that made the nurse laugh out loud. I think I went somewhere safe in my mind to help me through it.

And the kicker? It didn’t hurt… at all. I felt nothing. I felt the speculum go in and I asked him for a second to collect myself and then I said okay go and I waited for pain and nothing. Then I heard him tell the nurse to take a picture, and another picture. I asked if he’s already in and he said yes he’s actually all done. I think I melted right there. I couldn’t believe it. I asked why it was so easy and the nurse asked if I had vaginal birth and I said no, a c-section and she asked if I had contractions and I said yes and she said that’s why. I’ve never been more relieved but in thinking about it I think it’s just another little cruel joke that it’s just a little more painful to go through IVF for your first child. If that makes sense.

After he showed me pictures of my uterus he showed me my AMH levels and again asserted that we have time but we have to go get those eggs now. My levels went from 2.7 to 1.4 to 1.03. I’m not sure what the time frame is so not sure how rapid of a decline that is. I asked 2 ivf friends for their input and have decided not to google AMH numbers. It’s not going to help. I just know that this time it’s going to be harder, but not impossible.

Oh, one last bit of news. Before we left the RE’s appointment we were in with the nurse going over paperwork and quickly she left the room to ask the finance lady how many cycles we had left on insurance and she came back in and said we only have one, just like I feared. We were bummed of course and while we were gathering our things to leave we heard footsteps running down the hall “Wait! Wait!” and in busts the finance lady, “You guys had a baby, right?”. We said yes, so she said “Six.. You have six cycles. Insurance resets after every live birth”… Omg the relief. I could have hugged her. We are so very, incredibly lucky to live where we live and I’m so lucky to work where I work.

So that’s where we are with that. Our follow up appointment with him is April 3rd. After my next cycle which is a bummer so we’re going to start our retrieval cycle end of April. And he loves long suppression cycles so I’m envisioning a retrieval mid to end of June. Ah the slow turning wheel of IVF.

Well, here’s to facing fear. And here’s to speaking it’s name.