Chasing Pavements

Isn’t it funny how sometimes when you’re listening to music at work, there’s one song that comes on that puts into words exactly what you’re feeling and you end up tearing up right when your boss comes over to ask how the day’s going? No, not funny? Yeah, you’re right.

I’m learning so many new things everyday with the IVF process. Today’s lesson(s): Always check, double check, and triple check what your insurance carrier tells you vs what your clinic tells you. Do not, under any any circumstances, assume that what 2 people say is law. Do not trust anything that sounds too good to be true as far as your insurance carrier covering certain procedures. If you do this, you will most likely end up with a surprise bill that you in no way budgeted for and you will invariably find yourself at your desk listening to Adele ask the tough questions, with tears in your eyes playing it off as the end of big yawn so your boss would just go away.

I don’t want to go into too much detail because I’ve since made my peace with it and realize that fighting with my insurance company over a what someone told me over the phone in September is not going to make them reverse their decision or even investigate the matter. But I have 100% learned my lesson and I a wiser for it.. and a little more bitter.

“Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements?”… I don’t know, Adele.. That’s a good question. That’s how I felt on Tuesday after reading the bill and talking to the rudest lady in the collections department at the genetics lab. Just when I came to terms with moving IVF #2 out a few months. I’m now having to come to terms with pushing it out another few more months. And we all know how gut wrenching all this waiting is. I honestly didn’t even want to bother anymore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I can’t deal with waiting. Why I break into a cold sweat just thinking about it. And it’s simply because I don’t like that feeling I get when someone I know personally gets pregnant. Don’t like is putting it mildly. We all know the feeling. But can I really live my life in fear while waiting? My friends are either trying to get pregnant, getting married so pregnancy is sure to follow at some point, or talking about baby number 2 and I am experiencing anxiety and depression even though it hasn’t even happened yet. I’m already depressed about pregnancies that are only in my head. I feel like I won’t recover if someone else I love becomes pregnant before me. Really? really?

So I started to shift my thinking… In the time we started this journey 5 of my loved ones have become pregnant before me. 3 of them have given birth to beautiful little angels. And me? I survived through all of it. Was I devastated? Yes. Did I make it through? Absolutely.

The bottom line is that life goes on. People are 100% going to get pregnant before me and I will 100% be a broken mess for a few days (or weeks) and I will 100% get up and carry on. I cannot be afraid of something I have no control over. That’s no way to live. I have to start to live again.

Now I don’t know where we stand with IVF #2 anymore. I have a few things going on that I’m excited about and right now IVF #2 does not excite me. I almost can’t believe I’m saying that but it’s true. The way the genetics lab and my insurance carrier have handled this bill has left a very bitter taste in my mouth and I have two work with both of these entities again when I’d really rather just spit in their respective faces (especially that rude bitch on the phone).

I’m not giving up, Adele. And I’m not chasing pavements either. I am just going to try and regain control of my little world for now.