Chasing Pavements

Isn’t it funny how sometimes when you’re listening to music at work, there’s one song that comes on that puts into words exactly what you’re feeling and you end up tearing up right when your boss comes over to ask how the day’s going? No, not funny? Yeah, you’re right.

I’m learning so many new things everyday with the IVF process. Today’s lesson(s): Always check, double check, and triple check what your insurance carrier tells you vs what your clinic tells you. Do not, under any any circumstances, assume that what 2 people say is law. Do not trust anything that sounds too good to be true as far as your insurance carrier covering certain procedures. If you do this, you will most likely end up with a surprise bill that you in no way budgeted for and you will invariably find yourself at your desk listening to Adele ask the tough questions, with tears in your eyes playing it off as the end of big yawn so your boss would just go away.

I don’t want to go into too much detail because I’ve since made my peace with it and realize that fighting with my insurance company over a what someone told me over the phone in September is not going to make them reverse their decision or even investigate the matter. But I have 100% learned my lesson and I a wiser for it.. and a little more bitter.

“Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements?”… I don’t know, Adele.. That’s a good question. That’s how I felt on Tuesday after reading the bill and talking to the rudest lady in the collections department at the genetics lab. Just when I came to terms with moving IVF #2 out a few months. I’m now having to come to terms with pushing it out another few more months. And we all know how gut wrenching all this waiting is. I honestly didn’t even want to bother anymore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I can’t deal with waiting. Why I break into a cold sweat just thinking about it. And it’s simply because I don’t like that feeling I get when someone I know personally gets pregnant. Don’t like is putting it mildly. We all know the feeling. But can I really live my life in fear while waiting? My friends are either trying to get pregnant, getting married so pregnancy is sure to follow at some point, or talking about baby number 2 and I am experiencing anxiety and depression even though it hasn’t even happened yet. I’m already depressed about pregnancies that are only in my head. I feel like I won’t recover if someone else I love becomes pregnant before me. Really? really?

So I started to shift my thinking… In the time we started this journey 5 of my loved ones have become pregnant before me. 3 of them have given birth to beautiful little angels. And me? I survived through all of it. Was I devastated? Yes. Did I make it through? Absolutely.

The bottom line is that life goes on. People are 100% going to get pregnant before me and I will 100% be a broken mess for a few days (or weeks) and I will 100% get up and carry on. I cannot be afraid of something I have no control over. That’s no way to live. I have to start to live again.

Now I don’t know where we stand with IVF #2 anymore. I have a few things going on that I’m excited about and right now IVF #2 does not excite me. I almost can’t believe I’m saying that but it’s true. The way the genetics lab and my insurance carrier have handled this bill has left a very bitter taste in my mouth and I have two work with both of these entities again when I’d really rather just spit in their respective faces (especially that rude bitch on the phone).

I’m not giving up, Adele. And I’m not chasing pavements either. I am just going to try and regain control of my little world for now.

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23 thoughts on “Chasing Pavements

  1. I’ve found myself thinking about SO many of these same things this week, including the lyrics of the song, that I almost could have written this entry. The waiting is horrible. I think it’s so much worse than the injections, ultrasounds, and endless appointments. I wish there was something comforting I could say although I know that there isn’t really anything. But, what you wrote about everyone around you getting pregnant really resonated with me. My little sister just had her baby a few hours ago, which makes my parents grandparents for the first time. My husband’s twin brother and his wife are pregnant as well (and his parents will be grandparents for the first time now too) and just celebrated with a gender reveal party. There have been other pregnancies close to us, but these have affected us the most. It has changed the way everyone relates to us (or doesn’t…) and I feel as though there is no room for me in my own family anymore. How do you get through it? Today has been so painful and horrible, I don’t even know how I will get through the weekend but I know there really isn’t any choice. Anyway, this has gotten really long now but you will be in my thoughts, and I do feel a little bit better knowing that you DID survive your past hurts, even though I know it must have been brutal, so thank you for that. Here’s to hoping that your wait is much shorter than you think (and that your insurance company loses that damn bill!). xo

    • Oh man. I so know exactly what you’re going through and I’m so sorry and wish I could give you a big hug. It will be okay as long as you don’t deny yourself the feelings. I save my tears for the drive to work. It’s the only thing I like about the 45minute commute :). Sending you lots of hugs, friend. Remember, being an aunt is very good 2nd prize. I loooove being an aunt. They’re the only kids who don’t make me feel like I suck at life.

      • Thanks, I could use a big hug right now! I appreciate the advice and that you’re able to be honest on your blog about the real pain of others getting pregnant around you. I haven’t been able to say much about it since my family reads my blog and I don’t want them to get upset, and I haven’t come across many people who are able to address it either so it’s nice to have the reassurance I’m not alone in my feelings. I think it’s a topic that is especially hard to deal with concerning infertility because there is a lot of misunderstanding and judgement from people who haven’t been through it. Anyway, thanks again. ((Hugs)) to you over the Internet! ❤

  2. Stupid woman on the phone! I will spit in her face for you! Waiting is so impossibly hard, I totally understand your frustration, especially when it’s because of money. It sucks because you know regular folks can just get laid and bam, baby, FOR FREE!? WTF! So unfair. Xxxxx

  3. You know that disclaimer at the beginning of all phone calls with insurance companies? The one that goes “this call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes”? Yeah too bad they couldn’t pull that up for you. Damn. I’m sure it feels like people are lapping you while you’re forced to stand still. It’s frustrating, and it’s hard not to feel hopeless. I hope things turn around and that some good things start happening for you too.

  4. Whenever I have to deal with insurance people or the like inevitably my blood pressure rises and I end up sooo pissed off. So, I’ll let my blood boil a little for you. I’m sorry that people are dumb and incompetent, but I’m glad you’re pulling yourself up, dusting yourself off and marching on. I hope you don’t have to wait too long. I want you to be able to get started and I know you do too!

  5. That hurry up and wait game is the worst. It feels like walking in slow motion and watching the world move on without you. Oh, and dealing with insurance is a nightmare. Hopefully you are able to get everything resolved and get your IVF2 scheduled. xo

  6. Thank you for such a beautiful post. You are absolutely right in saying that people will get pregnant, and it is going to hurt. I am so frustrated that you have to deal with this on top of everything else going on. You are an amazing woman!

  7. I’m sorry you ran into insurance BS. That is just the worst! I applaud you for taking some time to get grounded and to figure out how to truly live in the midst of all this. It’s not an easy task. Sending good thoughts to you!

    • I think in a weird way it was the universe forcing me to take time to get grounded. I have to be in a better frame of mind for round 2. Thanks for the good thoughts 🙂 they’re very much appreciated.

    • I thought aetna was good. But everyone keeps saying they’re surprised aetna’s even covering these 2 cycles albeit not very well lol. Why do we have to stress about insurance on top of everything. so frustrating!

  8. Oh gosh, just when you think this IVF journey can’t get any harder – there is one more thing to worry about. The financial side of it is kind of like a kick while you’re down. You have a great attitude about it all. I hope that you are able to start your second round of IVF soon, the waiting is a killer. x

  9. Pingback: Sunday Smiles | Tales of a 30 Year Old Nothing

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