After the Dust has Settled

So the phone call on Friday evening came as no surprise but I still allowed myself to weep silently for a while. We have our follow up appointed (more affectionately named, the WTF happened appointment) on Tuesday and he wants us to meet with the PGD team too for some reason. Is it okay that I’m angry because I’m dreading this appointment? I don’t like crying in front of strangers and I will most certainly cry if someone mentions what happened. I really don’t want to do it.

It is now Sunday morning and I think I’m all cried out. Yesterday was spent telling my family, friends  and some ttc sisters that we kept the FET a secret and that it hadn’t worked. The outpouring of love and support was too much for me  and I was a weepy mess all day. I went to get my hair coloured and cut with a good friend and she bought me lunch after and we talked about it as much as I could. I definitely needed that.

I spent the rest of the day wallowing in despair. I felt a physical pit in my stomach. Probably the same spot where a baby is supposed to be growing right now. The injustice of it all.

I’m so angry. Angry at myself for getting my hopes up. Angry for not telling anyone because it was so lonely going through this even though I knew it was best for me at the time. I’m angry that I’m letting it get to me so much. I’m angry that we can’t try again immediately. I’m angry that we probably won’t be able to try for a long time while we save up.

I’m so sad. I’m sad that I couldn’t keep my baby alive for more than a few days.

I’m so scared. I’m scared that a childless life is a real possibility. I’m scared that everyone else will become pregnant before I do.

So here we are today. I’ve made a realisation. Before, I feel like I was an outsider looking in. Infertility was just a thing I couldn’t put my finger on and it didn’t feel real. But when I look at that positive pregnancy test I realise what I had and what was taken away and how much I actually want and need to be a mother. It’s awakened something else in me. I’ve never in my life been pregnant before and now that I’ve tasted it, I’m addicted and it’s fucking scary. Determination in the face of extreme adversity is new to me.

I’ve never before had a real purpose I don’t think. Nothing this real anyway. I’m faced with 2 options. Quit… Or fight to the death. Right now I’m really on the fence because I’m at rock bottom it could go either way. The only reason I feel like quitting is because I have no fight in me today. Thinking of this fight is tiring me out. I’m sure I have it in me but not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Oh look… I guess I’m not all cried out…

39 thoughts on “After the Dust has Settled

  1. I hadn’t caught up when I posted my last comment. I’m so, so sorry. I wish I had something better to say. But just know I understand exactly how you’re feeling and I’m thinking about you.

  2. I’m so sorry! It must have been so hard for you keeping it a secret. It’s great that you have an amazing support system. Hopefully you can get some closure with the PGD appointment. Keeping you in my prayers!

  3. I am so sorry, this is heartbreaking. I think one of the hardest things about IF is trying to balance hope and fear and accepting the result when it’s anything less then what you hoped for. I’m sorry that you are left with bad news and searching for answers. Wishing you the strength to move on, in whatever direction is best for you. Love to you my friend.

  4. I read your post a few hours ago, and was waiting to comment in hopes that I would know what to say. But, there are no words. I’m so very, very sorry for your loss. I hope the WTF apt gives you some peace.

  5. I am so incredibly sorry my friend! I want to wrap you up in love and light and surround you with puppies! This process is such a mind fuck. Just as it takes you to dark places it also brings you to euphoric states. Take your time to grieve. Be angry, be sad, soothe your heart and your soul in whatever way you need it. Lean on N and hold each other close. You’re in this together. Please keep us posted on how things go on Tuesday. We’re here for you. Praying for you and keeping you close to my heart. Xoxo

  6. the whole pee on a stick thing above is why I can’t bring myself to do it, to taste it then have it taken away is fucking awful. You can never cry too much. Crying is ok. Crying is the only way to start getting balance back. if you keep it in then it festers and becomes a sore. This, infertility and IVF is a nightmare, only the strong can do it. Make sure at your appointment you go prepared and have your questions so you don’t walk out feeling like you didn’t have your voice heard. all up I am terribly sorry, sorry is such a nothing word but sometimes there is nothing left to say. Sending you hope and faith and strength.

  7. I’m so, so sorry. There really are no words. My heart is hurting for you. I hope you get some answers at your WTF appointment.

    Reading your post made me think of this song:

    I know you’re so down right now, but you’re a fighter, girl! It may be a long road, but I know you’ll find the strength you need. Sending you so much love, peace, and most importantly, hope.

  8. Oh lovely I am so very sorry. This is so incredibly unfair. Take your time to grieve your little baby and let yourself scream at the bitch that is the universe. Sending you love and hugs Xxxx

  9. I’m so sorry. I am wishing you well for your appointment tomorrow. In the end, do you think it was a good thing to not tell anyone? We haven’t been public about any of our infertility treatments. And you’re right, feeling so alone can suck.

    • Thank you :)… Honestly, I will be very scared to share but I couldn’t stand the loneliness. I want all my loved ones along for the ride next time so we can celebrate the good times together and mourn the bad times together. I think, for me, this was too big an event to go through alone.

  10. I’m sorry to hear that the FET wasn’t successful. I totally get where you are coming from with the should I continue on or give up? This is such an emotional rollercoaster and sometimes you need a break in between treatments. After IVF in August I had to wait until December to start again. I just needed a break. Now here we are gearing up to do it all over again! I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

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