I would be lying if I said I wasn’t
a bit scared out of my mind. Actually I’ve had moments of despair knowing in my heart that this won’t work.
Blastocysts are graded on the basis of expansion/size, ICM (inner cell mass) and Trophectoderm (TE) and recorded by a string of FOUR letters. First two letters refer to the expansion/size of the blastocyst and the following two letters denote the quality of ICM and TE respectively.
I woke up in complete despair. I’m very fragile and husband mentioned that the clinic took $145 out of our account without notifying us. This was not what I wanted to hear. I woke up with no more cramps so that was already messing with me.
I had a nightmare last night. I don’t remember much but it involved my niece and nephew getting up out of bed and running to the door screaming. I don’t know why or what from but I could sense the fear and it stayed with me after I woke up. I had to pee and that felt a little reassuring because I don’t generally have to pee in the middle of the night and I didn’t have anything to drink too late last night.
But the drive to work was a nightmare. I was annoyed with this money story and just not feeling very positive about anything. It was very overwhelming and I almost cried.
I remember feeling like this when they told us we only had 2 embryos to test. It was a dark time. But I crawled my way out of it and was in a very good place. I was at peace with either outcome and I need to get there. I have to try and enjoy where I am right now.
I’m actually IM’ing a friend from back home about my dark mood and he’s helping a little. I’m feeling way better than I did this morning. To help matters the $145 wasn’t the clinic it was actually the double acupuncture appointment on Tuesday :). So I’m definitely better in that regard.
Although the constant cramp is gone and I’m a lot less bloated today, I’m still feeling very small tiny blips in my lower abdomen and I’ve had subtle heartburn since I had some chicken salad a few hours ago. The first time I’m enjoying heartburn.
In my head I’m singing the song Phoebe sang to the fetuses the day she got implanted with 5 embryos in that one episode of Friends! I love how she got implanted and got a positive test that very same day!! Ah if only.
I am 4dp5dt.
The crazy fog has lifted. I think the universe was looking out for me. On Wednesday, in the midst of my funk, 3 bloggers made posts that spoke to me directly and really helped me to get a grip. A big thank you to girl4182 for this post, chels819 for this post, JENNIE for this post (and Caroline for the quote) and of course my husband for reminding me to remain positive. Each of you said something I absolutely needed to hear so really really thank you.
My next thank you is obviously to Shonda Rhimes (lol). Without giving too much away, Amelia has to a surgery but before she goes in she does a superhero pose… The theory is that if you stand in a superhero pose for about 2 minutes while breathing deeply and standing tall with your chest out, you will feel more confident and positive and your mood elevates… I googled it. It’s a real thing. So, yes, I dragged my ass off to the bathroom because I didn’t want to look like a fool in front of my colleagues and I stood in superhero pose for 2 minutes.
Did it help? A little. But only because I ended up chuckling at myself. I felt a little silly but I did feel better after.
My final thank you goes out to Earth Wind and Fire. Because how can you be in despair when listening to Earth Wind and Fire?
Yesterday at 3dpt I still didn’t have any symptoms but I was okay. I was thinking about where I was. 3dpt was further than I’d ever been in this journey and that in itself is amazing! I never thought I’d be here. One day at a time.
And now I’m here! 4dpt! I have a constant cramp on my left side since I woke up and while it’s not there anymore, my boobs felt heavy and my nipples were tingly. I keep jiggling my boobs to test but it’s definitely gone. I hope I’m not the only one out there jiggling her boobs during the tww :). The cramp is there though. There’s a part of me that’s worried about it being ectopic but I really can’t worry about that now. One stressor at a time please.
Anyway, This time last week I was saying this time next I’ll possibly be 3dpt and now I can say this time next week I’ll possibly be… argh, I can’t even write it. Damn you superstitions!
Hope everyone is doing well. Here’s some Earth Wind and Fire. Play this while doing the superhero pose if you’re feeling down. 🙂
The two week wait sucks
I almost tested this morning but I think the universe was looking out for me because I couldn’t find the bag of wondfo’s I bought just for this reason! Picture me with a full bladder running and dancing around the house this morning looking for them. It was pretty funny. I’m still not sure if I should test or not. N gave the thumbs up but I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for a BFN.
I still have no idea if this has worked or not. My symptoms are barely worth mentioning. It’s like my body is teasing me with symptoms. And I’m only quasi-moody. Yesterday I had a nagging cramp on my right side for solid 6 hours. I had to practically scootch all the way down in my seat to get comfortable then on the drive home my left butt cheek went numb. And then today, nothing. WTH!
In the meantime I’ve just been rubbing my belly and talking to my kid and kissing the picture of the embryo everyday.
8 days down… 2 more to go.
9dp5dt and I was pregnant for a day.
I shouldn’t have tested. I’ll never do that again. Yesterday I found a test in my back pack from last year. I forgot I had it. The expiration date was 2016 so I thought it would be okay. That was my first mistake. On my way home I bought 2 dollar tree tests. That was my second mistake. When I walked in I just told N we’re doing this. I squeezed out a 7:30pm pee on the old test and immediately got a faint positive. I had never seen a positive in my life. We didn’t talk about it much. Just enjoyed the rest of the evening in silent elation. I couldn’t stop looking at the stick. I kept checking it every half hour just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things but there it was. We watched Tosh.O and the Empire finale (how good is this show, man! My new favourite) and half of Family Guy. Then I attempted to go to sleep. I obviously tossed and turned for hours. I was over the moon but still scared. I didn’t want to get too excited but I couldn’t wait for this morning’s test. Just to put me at ease.
I did not expect the glaring negative that appeared this morning. Not even a hint a line. Nothing. So much nothing. I’ve never hated an inanimate object so much. Confusion. Anger. Despair. Why did I test? What’s going on? a chemical pregnancy? A false positive on the other test? I’ll never know. I know false negatives are few an far between so I’ve given up hope. I still have a pain on my lower left side but it’s not as bad as the pain in my heart right now.
N tried to reassure me but I’m a little inconsolable right now. Also, we kind of knew this was a long shot and that we should try to take this round as a trial round but how can I not be a little distraught?
Infertility sucks my friends. But onward and upward. At least I can drink again.
Well, there it is… The dreaded voicemail… Waiting until I get home so N can listen to it. I can’t bear it.