Why is Hope?

A beta of 8.46 is not a good beta. Every time someone posted a low beta like this I always read the fingers-crossed’s and the you’re-still-not-out’s with a bit of annoyance. Like why are we giving this poor woman any hope? Let’s be realistic. 8.46 is not good.

And yet, I hoped.

I scoured for success story after success story. I replayed the voicemail and even the nurse sounded hopeful. “You never know”, she said. But I’m sure she knew.

And still, I hoped.

On Tuesday, I was barely keeping it together. Just fragile and constantly on the verge of tears.

But still, so hopeful.

On Wednesday morning I turned 38. I somehow managed to keep this at the forefront of my thoughts and for the most part it worked. It was a genuinely happy day. The phone call came at 2 and even when I learned that the beta dropped to 1.5 I pushed that sadness all the way down and rejoiced that I didn’t have to do any more damned progesterone shots. It’s okay. We’ll get it next time.

I was hopeful.

Thursday, I was still okay. I thought I was okay. I went through the entire day okay. Even when I walked into therapy I avoided talking about it and ranted about work instead. The last 15 minutes my body gave up the fight and completely fell apart. It felt good to get it out. I was trying to be strong for Lucky and my parents and my husband and myself and my body was not having it. But it felt good to get it all out. I’m mad that I got my hopes for fucking 8.46. I’m scared that our RE will not know what to do next because we only got 5 eggs last time. I’m sad that I had to experience my first chemical pregnancy on my birthday.

Why did I hope?

I think I’m okay now, though. I think. Our wtf and next steps appointment is September 20th so I guess…

There is still hope.

9 thoughts on “Why is Hope?

  1. I’m so sorry. It’s really hard, every single time, but times like this it’s even harder. So hard living in limbo and wondering what the next step will be. Take the time to feel what you feel. There’s no way out but through. Sending hugs.

  2. Nothing wrong with hope at all! Hope is what keeps us going on this mad ride and helps us to get on with our daily life when there’s so much up in the air. But also anger and grief are important and valid too. It is shit!! I’m sorry for your loss and the pain you’re experiencing. I hope for good things just around the corner in whatever shape that may be. Until then enjoy the small moments as they happen and be kind to yourself through this difficult time. Also remember you still have hormones at play and so any weird outbursts can be attributed to them!! Hugs xx

  3. I am sorry that happened to you 😔 I think hope is one of those things, it is just there always, even when we would rather not have any. Wishing you the best of luck with your appointments ❤

  4. I think hope is what keeps us going. Even if what turns out to be isn’t what we planned or hoped for, it can still be bearable because of hope, I think. Happy birthday and I am holding out hope for you. 💕

  5. I’m really sorry. And how awful that it happened on your birthday, what awful timing. Of course you got your hopes up, it’s impossible not to! You still had one amazing quality embryo though so I would still be feeling optimistic about your chances next time. Thinking of you x

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