Monthly Archives: March 2020

Just A Quick Update

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So we’re halfway through the 2nd week of lock down. Next week is our last week. I’m not sure if they’ll extend it.

I’m thankful that I’m spending the majority of the first trimester at home where I can take as many breaks as necessary to lay on the bed and feel sorry for myself. But having Lucky home with me has brought it’s own set of challenges. For one, he doesn’t nap. So from around 2pm he’s pretty much impossible. I’ve taken him on snooze cruises in the car but I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore and he tends to wake up when I take him out of the car anyway. And when he wakes up he’s inconsolable for at least 45 minutes. Naps have been a nightmare in general. Today I’m going to try to just lay with him in a dark room. I don’t know. Part of me just wants to say eff it and let him stay awake. I don’t know.

On the other hand we’ve tried a few new things with him as well. Potty training and sleeping by himself. I’ll give you 2 guesses on which has been a total fail but you’ll only need one. Potty training worked a treat for two days. I was doing the bare butt approach and he was doing really well. But by the time the weekend rolled he just flat out refused and demanded nappies. So we gave in.

Sleeping by himself has been a dream. One night I just put a night light on for him and explained that he should try to go to sleep himself. He said he wasn’t scared and off I went and he was out within minutes. If we lay with him it takes 30 minutes to an hour to get him to fall asleep. It was wearing on us. It’s really been a breeze though. A few hiccups where he cries but it’s just for a little while then he’s out. I love it. I’ll admit that I’m a little sad that I don’t get those nighttime snuggles but this is good. It’s time.

We were talking about how he’s been through a lot this month, though. His schooling has been disrupted so he’s not getting his nap (he naps at school. I don’t know how they do it). He’s being forced to pee by himself and sleep by himself and he has to look at mom’s ugly face all day. Poor guy. So, we’re dropping potty training and just giving lots of extra hugs and not stressing out too much.

I’m also not homeschooling. I don’t know how to home school a two year old anyway. I’m sure there are sensory games we can play and learning things we can do. I was stressing about it last week but I’ve given myself a break. I’m still working full(ish) time and I’ve been terribly ill so I’m just letting him play with his toys and watch cartoons and he has his iPad time. We’re really just surviving here. We’ve gone outside maybe three times but the weather has been trash so that’s not really an option all the time. But all in all, we’re doing okay.

N is home today and right now his sitting on his dad’s lap at the computer play fighting with Cat Boy and Batman. The Secret Life of Pets 2 is on in the background and I’m on the bed with my laptop chomping on Tums and trying to figure out why my damn code isn’t working. I feel like dad is going to tap out soon and hand him over to the iPad. Let’s see how long he lasts.

My first OB appointment is set for next Friday at 10:45. They called to bring it forward from 3pm. I hope the next step isn’t cancellation but I would understand. I have a doppler here so can technically assuage my fears myself so I’m not too too worried. I can’t even be certain that they’ll be doing an ultrasound anyway.

I’m set to end progesterone and estrogen this Friday and I could not be happier. I know it’s going to be bittersweet when we get there but I can’t sit and we can’t find a spot that isn’t bruised so all shots hurts. I’m done for.

The morning sickness is I think the same like with Lucky. All day and not fun. I’ve been trying to not go hungry but I’m struggling to find things to eat. Not much else to say other than I’m trying. It’s hard but I’m trying. Again, I’m glad that I’m home so that I can lay down as often as I need. And I’ll be 11 weeks when (if) we go back to work so hopefully should be coming out of this funk. So I’m just hanging in there for now.

Actually, it’s about snack time now so I’d better wrap this up. I hope everyone is being safe out there. I know people personally who have tested positive and are very sick (not in physical contact with them). This virus is serious. There is no cure. Please stay home if you’re able.

 

Take care of yourselves

xx

 

Dandelion

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The 5 seconds between putting the cam in and “There’s the heartbeat, Mom” are by far the longest 5 seconds known to man.

I saw the familiar black circle and an funky animal cracker shaped blob in the top right corner of the circle. My mind went blank and my body went numb. Why wasn’t she saying anything. I turned to look away as she said “There’s the heartbeat, Mom. Congratulations.” I said flatly that I couldn’t see it. She was definitely lying. She moved it around a little more and zoomed in and by golly there it was! A flickering white line. I melted. I literally melted, you guys. Everything unclenched and I felt a lightness I haven’t felt in weeks.

I blew hot air into the mask they made me wear (more on that below) and looked up to the ceiling and thanked whoever is out there looking out for me. I couldn’t believe it. This is really happening.

…

I had told my boss that I’d need 2hrs for a midday appointment. I feel like 3hrs would have been a safer bet but I hate asking for time off as it is. When N and I got to the clinic there were signs everywhere about COVID-19. The new policy was to ask 3 questions (paraphrased).

  1. Have you traveled anywhere internationally?
  2. Have you come into contact with anyone who has?
  3. Do you have a fever and/or cough

After I paid the copay they asked me the 3 questions and I said Yes to coughing because I’m coming off a bad cold. She didn’t say anything but before they brought us back the ultrasound tech asked again and when I said Yes to the cough her eyes went wide and she said she’d be right back.

She came out a few seconds later and told us that because of their new protocol we would have to leave and wait in the car until a nurse calls and clears us. WTH!!

I was panicking. Would they cancel the appointment? I told N I should have just lied but he said that’s how these things spread, so I guess he had a point. I feared that we’d be stuck out there for ages so I called my boss to say I’d be late. I left a message for him to call back. 5 minutes later the clinic called. Asked the 3 questions again and we were allowed to come back in after a few apologies. They did give me a mask to wear though. The scene when we walked back in was extremely funny.

The couple ahead of us were signing in on the sheet and the wife said “Honey I don’t think you have to use your sleeve to use the pen. Wouldn’t it be easier to just use the pen normally and then sanitize your hand after?” He mumbled “I guess” but I don’t think he was convinced.

There was a lady who looked rather panicky standing around looking nervously for a place to sit. She had blue sterile gloves on. I felt bad that I was out here coughing around these people. When I went to the front desk they handed me a mask to put on and I swear I heard sterile glove lady’s ass cheeks clam shut. We went to sit close to her (not on purpose!!) and she immediately removed herself and went to sit as far away as she could. it was pretty packed in there. I felt bad for her.

Luckily we weren’t in there for too long. I’m sure everyone was relieved to have Coughy McCougherson gone.

Once we got into the room and I was undressing my boss called again and I had to quickly explain that I would be late because I was being quarantined. Big mistake to use those words. He immediately began blustering but the tech had walked in and was beginning so I had to cut him off and I said, it’s no biggie, I’d call him back. I can just imagine his panic. Since we’re at a school we’re having our own COVID-19 issues so I don’t think I helped much.

After the ultrasound was done and I floated back down to earth we had to go back into gen. pop. where there was all new people looking nervously at my masked face. We plopped ourselves as far away from them as possible. Again we weren’t kept too long.

L who released us last time with Lucky was helping us out again. I could have sworn, last time they gave us mountains of paperwork in a giant envelope. Not this time. This time the envelope only contained the ultrasound pictures and the post-it with the sex written on it.

She went over everything from before. Dandelion measuring 8 weeks. I’ll be 8 weeks tomorrow. 16mm long. Good looking yolk sack. Due date 23 October. Heart rate at 181. Then she said they needed to do another blood test to check my blood type. So we followed her out and she asked one of the nurses to do it. Then she looked at both of us, congratulated us again and left. That was it. I did my last ever (hopefully) blood draw at my beloved clinic and then we just left. There really should be more fan fair when one graduates from an ivf clinic.

Anyway, I’ve told my boss and a few colleagues. My excitement and relief are through the effing roof. I had tap after work but still don’t have the balls to tell them yet for some reason. I think it’ll be too much attention. I like telling one person at a time.

I got home at 9:30 and its way past my bedtime so I’ll wrap it up for now. I think I’m going to have the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. Here’s to a very boring next couple of months.

Three Weeks Down

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We did it!! Less than 3 hours until I leave for the appointment. I can’t tell in the cramps in my tummy are nerves or poop or baby.

This week was decidedly better. Thank goodness for therapy. I think I just need a good long one hour cry.

I am still petrified but I am at least functioning better and sleeping a little better.

It’ll all be over in a little while. I’ll write again this evening with good or bad news. Thank you for again, as always, for the support and caring words.

Here goes nothing.

xx

 

 

Two Weeks Down

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8 more days. Finally into single digits.

I don’t want this to be another “woe is me” post but do rest assured the woe continues to be me.

I guess I am feeling more symptoms one could say. So I’m clinging to that with all my might. The motion sickness is more frequent and water has suddenly started to taste funny. My poor butt is screaming for sweet sweet relief. I’ve done 32 injections now. Whooo! N has hit nerves (I think) twice and that’s a whole new level of pain. But every so often he finds a new sweet spot and I feel like I could go on forever. Those are good days.

Last week someone who transferred around the same time as me had a missed miscarriage. As you can imagine this ruined me completely. I cried at the salon and blamed it on an errant hair that got in my eye. I remember when she got her positive she immediately started doing 4 week and 5 week bump pics holding her belly with signs and everything. I remembered being in awe of her bravery and how I wanted to be brave like that. I couldn’t even change my period tracker to a “P” tracker. So when her bad news came, I was absolutely crushed for her. I can’t imagine opening my heart so widely and then having it ripped out. No thank you.

But there’s no right way to navigate this part of the journey, is there? Bad things happen all the time. And you can’t live your life behind closed doors hoping that if you just sit still you’ll be okay.

I’ve had my heart broken a gazillion times and my motto has always been to “sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching and love like you’ll never be hurt”. All through my “heartbreak” 20’s that was always my goal. Give everything, that way you never doubt that you tried your best.

I feel now that having a boy break your heart doesn’t hurt nearly as much as a failed IVF cycle but that’s because I’m closer to the IVF stuff now. I remember spending an entire day crying in bed over one chap. I thought I would never recover.

And I remember failed IVF cycle #4 and how I thought I would never recover from that.

But now I never even think of that chap. And there’s been so much IVF happiness that the fails are distant memories.

So I’m trying to do a massive shift in my mindset here. Since I can’t seem to cling to hope and positivity for longer than a few minutes (and I really and truly appreciate that all of you are being hopeful and positive for me), I can at least cling to the fact that, in the end, everything will be okay.

As they say… This too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone but it’ll pass.