I just got back from an epic 2 hour trek to my clinic to draw one vial of blood for karyotype testing they thought would be a good idea.

I want to say I don’t mind that drive because I usually don’t but I think it was because it’s Saturday and it was early I was just getting increasingly gloomy the further I drove. It was a tough morning. I kept thinking of all my friends without fertility issues who never have to take this drive. I thought of how happy everyone must be to wake up to baby snuggles and not 1 inch needles going into their arms. I thought of the oldest man in the world driving 30 in the fast lane in front of me and simply would not move over. Why old man? Why?

To add insult to injure, yesterday I called the insurance and I guess I won’t be reimbursed for the PGD testing. I’ve made my peace with it. I mean at least we won’t be shelling out $7000 like last time. I’ll pay out of pocket for PGD every day if I have to.

I took a look at my calendar and realized that my next cycle will fall extremely close in time to my last cycle. A year. A full year between cycles has passed. Wow. I remember when our cycle failed I went through moments where I thought I wouldn’t even bother trying again. I’m trying to reflect on those and I remember being absolutely hopeless. And here I sit, a year on, hopeful again. I guess time really does heal.

Sure this morning I was grumpy and sad about our situation and the stupid HMO crap but that drive is entirely too long to garner any join from anyway.

I feel like infertility is testing me every step of the way. It sees I’m happy and ready to start round two and it’s like “Oh no she didn’t!”.. I’m not going to let it win!! I’m nervous but I’m excited by golly!! I’m ready!