Chug chugging along

IVF ROUND 7

DAY 6
(Saturday Oct 26)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur
Notes: estrogen=64.44; LH=6.12; progesterone=0.387; lining=5.4mm; Left Ovary=11.8mm; Right Ovary=12mm

Yikes! Almost forgot to do shots tonight. It was just a lazy day. I tried to clean out old toys but it’s such a mammoth undertaking. I gave up and watch tv all day.

I’m feeling a bit of bloat when I lay on my stomach. Hopefully tomorrow there’ll be some decent growth.

Emotional: I’m trying to be positive.

Physic: sleepy and sluggish

Food: Some creamy chicken breast thing with cauliflower.

Ladybug Sighting

IVF ROUND 7

DAY 5 – Monitoring Day
(Friday Oct 25)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur
Notes: estrogen=64.44; LH=6.12; progesterone=0.387; lining=5.4mm; Left Ovary=11.8mm; Right Ovary=12mm

I had a rough-ish day emotionally. I ate crap and work was taxing. There are only 2 lonely follicles right now. They seem pretty big for this early but my estrogen seems lowish for this early. But the nurse was happy with progress. I’m just falling into comparison land again and I hate it. Someone needs to take my phone away and delete and bock me from my instagram and blog. But the damage is done.

I did make it to training after skipping all exercise days this week. So that felt good. While we were chatting in between sets his wife (my tap instructor) came down to say hi and she pointed to the ceiling to two ladybugs who were touching butts. They’d been there all week doing who knows what :). That made me smile and I took it as a good sign for the day. Two ladybugs. Two follicles. Two drops of hope.

Onwards and upwards. Next appointment on Sunday.

Emotional: Rollercoaster!!!
Physical: Feeling good after a training session.
Food: Leftover Chinese food.

Ho Hum

IVF ROUND 7

DAY 2-4
(Tuesday Oct 22 – Thursday Oct 24)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur

Days 2 and 3 were anti climactic as usual. I haven’t done shots yet today but I believe I’m feeling some bloat sitting here with my legs curled under me. Either it’s IVF bloat or it’s the giant mountain of Chinese food I just ate.

Little Lucky is staying over at his grandma’s tonight because he goes with me to school and I don’t want to have to wake him up at the ass crack of dawn to go with me for the 2hr journey and I also am not too keen on bringing a child with me to my IVF clinic. I’m extremely grateful that I have someone to watch him during this time. I know not everyone is this lucky. I wonder now about all those women who I side-eyed at the clinic who brought their kids to appointments. I’m sure most of them felt tortured about being “that person”. I wonder if most of them simply had no choice. I’m just grateful that I have a choice with this.

It’s shots and bed time soon. Can’t believe tomorrow will pretty much be half way.

Emotional: Just taking it one day at a time
Physical: Haven’t been to training all week and skipped dance today. So, bleh-ish
Food: Mountain of Chinese food.

Surprise IVF

IVF ROUND 7

DAY 1
(Monday October 21st)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur
Notes: estrogen=133.9; LH=4.41; progesterone=0.486; Antral follicles=10

I did not expect to be starting this soon. I was expecting my period this Friday but it came on Sunday. Not hugely early, but early enough for me to panic a little bit.

I started the estrogen priming with Estrace on the 14th and I guess it can make your period start sooner. But anywhere here we are.

Everything went smoothly injection-wise. No complaints. The estrace was making me feel really awful so I’m happy that it’s over but I felt a good amount of nausea about an hour are shots. But I slept really well. I also had my flu shot yesterday so I think my body was just tapped out with all the stuff in it.

Random story: I do the personal training about 2 towns over. It’s usually a 25min drive with about a 5 minute stretch of highway between my exit and the trainer’s. Last night as I got onto the highway the traffic was at a dead stop because of an accident. The gps had me getting there in an hour. I had to text everyone to cancel but I couldn’t get off the highway until the exit which was an hour away! So I basically sat in traffic just to take the exit and drive my ass right back home! A complete waste of almost 2 hours! Hopefully no one was hurt though, because there was a massive crane pulling a car out of the woods when I drove by.

Anyway, I hope by my next monitoring appointment I’ll be a bit more excited and not so shaken up. I think I’m afraid of getting a low amount of eggs again.

Emotional: A little like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me. Ask me tomorrow.
Physical: Feeling pretty good.
Food: Roasted chicken and salad

To Freeze or Not to Freeze

Well, here we go again…

I’m sorry for not responding to all of the caring messages from my last post. For some reason that failure hit a lot harder than I had expected it to. That mixed with it being my birthday and my parents leaving and work becoming extremely busy was just a lot. It just wasn’t a fun month.

But I eventually dusted myself off in time for our follow up appointment. The fact that we have such an awesome RE helped me get even more excited. He always seems to read my mind. This time I wanted to ask him about HGH and he brought it up all on his own.

I heard about human growth hormone on Instagram and on some forums. Dr P mentioned that studies show that it does show some good results on increasing egg quality. Unfortunately, it’s no longer FDA approved so doctors aren’t prescribing it as much anymore. He explained that it costs around $1000 for a vial and I would need 4 vials. So scratch that idea. Then he said that he’s been telling his patients to use Serovital. It’s a supplement that increases your natural HGH and it’s about $200 for a 3 months supply. So we opted for that.

We’re also going to stick with the same protocol. I asked if this was a good idea and whether we shouldn’t go balls to the walls and double the dosage (not in those words of course) but he said that we’re already at a very high dose (300iu gonal f and 150iu of menopur). He wants to stick to this and either go a little up or down depending on how I respond.

We also discussed N doing another frozen sample. We went through the pro’s and con’s and in a rare display of humour our RE said “To freeze or not to freeze. That is the question”. Okay, yes, it was a lame joke. But we all had a good laugh. I guess you had to be there.

We are doing one change though. We’re going to try estrogen priming. I think that’s what it’s called. I’m to go in on day 21 of this current cycle to test my progesterone and then I’ll start estrogen pills twice a day until sometime after I start the stimulating meds. Correct me if I’m wrong but the extra estrogen is supposed to help my follicles respond to the stimulating medication better. So here’s hoping.

I’m excited to get back in the saddle. I forgot about this never ending up and down roller coaster ride. A few weeks ago, I was near to giving up all together and now I’m ready to go again. Is this the definition of madness?

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Anyway, in other news. I’ve hired a personal trainer!! I’m on week 3 I think. My tap instructor’s husband is a personal trainer and he offered to take me and two of my friends on so that we could split the cost because, let’s face it, I’m not that much of a baller. It’s been really hard but really fun. I’m glad we took the plunge. The sucky bit is that it’s twice a week (for now) so I’m away from my family Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights (Thursdays are dance night). But I have to keep my eye on the prize. It’s not forever and I want to feel better about my body.

I also started sober October on Tuesday. I’m all in now but this weekend will be the real test. I usually start my drinking on Fridays and we have a birthday party this weekend and apple picking on Sunday which I could easily turn into some brunch time day drinking after. But I will be strong!!!

Next, I have to clean up my eating. More on this later.

Oh and lastly, I’m slowly making moves to apply for a Masters program. Slowly. I applied to take the GRE test. It’s in November and I haven’t started studying. If anyone has taken the GRE, please give me some advice. I keep thinking it’ll be easy but I could be fooling myself. Let’s see how it goes.

And that’s it for me. Posting will likely ramp up again in the coming weeks. I truly appreciate each and every one of you who are still following this blog that’s almost nearly dead. I have been thinking of starting another blog too. Not a mommy blog. A blog to parse out my past trauma and dealing with residual anxiety etc. My therapist suggested it. It will be raw. I’m just trying to think of a name for it.

Okay, I hope all of you are still rocking and rolling.

Lots of love!! xxx

Why is Hope?

A beta of 8.46 is not a good beta. Every time someone posted a low beta like this I always read the fingers-crossed’s and the you’re-still-not-out’s with a bit of annoyance. Like why are we giving this poor woman any hope? Let’s be realistic. 8.46 is not good.

And yet, I hoped.

I scoured for success story after success story. I replayed the voicemail and even the nurse sounded hopeful. “You never know”, she said. But I’m sure she knew.

And still, I hoped.

On Tuesday, I was barely keeping it together. Just fragile and constantly on the verge of tears.

But still, so hopeful.

On Wednesday morning I turned 38. I somehow managed to keep this at the forefront of my thoughts and for the most part it worked. It was a genuinely happy day. The phone call came at 2 and even when I learned that the beta dropped to 1.5 I pushed that sadness all the way down and rejoiced that I didn’t have to do any more damned progesterone shots. It’s okay. We’ll get it next time.

I was hopeful.

Thursday, I was still okay. I thought I was okay. I went through the entire day okay. Even when I walked into therapy I avoided talking about it and ranted about work instead. The last 15 minutes my body gave up the fight and completely fell apart. It felt good to get it out. I was trying to be strong for Lucky and my parents and my husband and myself and my body was not having it. But it felt good to get it all out. I’m mad that I got my hopes for fucking 8.46. I’m scared that our RE will not know what to do next because we only got 5 eggs last time. I’m sad that I had to experience my first chemical pregnancy on my birthday.

Why did I hope?

I think I’m okay now, though. I think. Our wtf and next steps appointment is September 20th so I guess…

There is still hope.