Category Archives: TTC drama

Makin’ babies…

Faith Purchases

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Hello!
We’re on day 6 and I am Fuh-reaking out. Silently. On the inside.

I think I didn’t want to write before because I didn’t want to jinx anything but I can’t really concentrate on anything today so I thought I would catch you all up.

So my next call was supposed to be on Saturday (day 3) but Friday around 6pm Dr P called himself to find out how I was recovering and to give me a day 2 update.

We still had 12 on day 2. I was extremely relieved. The doctor didn’t sound excited. He said that they ranged from 2 to 6 cell and they were all B’s and C’s, which is great! I was relieved because I figured if we lose half like we usually do on day 3 then at least we’ll still have more than we’ve ever had on day 3. So Friday was yet another good day.

Both of us had to work on Saturday and I was surprisingly okay. I came to terms with my 6 embryos. I started going over plan B’s and just mentally preparing myself for big drop offs. She called around noon and I had to run out of my dungeon office to where there was cellphone reception.

Twelve little guys were still happily growing!! Wow. Both the nurse and I were absolutely giddy. I asked her for the cell counts and grades but I’d forgotten a pen and paper so I wasn’t even really listening to what she was saying but there were some A’s B’s and C’s thrown in.

The rest of the day was a blur of good news sharing and a little work peppered in. I wanted to go out and celebrate but both of us were so tired from work we just climbed into PJ’s and watched 90 day fiance all night until 1am. So Saturday was certainly a good day.

Sunday was a long day. I had wonderful plans to meal prep but then I realized that it’s a 2.5day week and that would be dumb. I thought I would just makes lunches at least but Saturday night I’d forgotten to take the Cabergoline so I took it in the morning and as soon as I wanted to start cooking I was hit with the motion sickness. We rotted away again in front of the tv for the rest of Sunday.

Yesterday was another long day. A long and terrible day. I know that they said they would call on Tuesday to let us know how many were biopsied and frozen but last time on day 5 at around 9am, Dr G called several times and eventually left the message that no one going through this wants to get. So yesterday I was quite a mess. I don’t want anyone to call but I want to know how our embryos are doing. I am going to say that since I didn’t get a call all day that at least they’re not all gone. I think that’s a safe assumption.

I don’t know why I’m big on jinxes (rolls eyes at self) but it is what it is I guess. So I was thinking this weekend that our PGD lab charges $250 per embryo over 8. We’ve never been there before so I’ve always just budgeted for the minimum. And now in a perfect world we may have 4 embryos I didn’t budget for. I would have to transfer extra money to our IVF account for the PGD lab. I can’t remember if they debit the account as soon as my clinic tells them how many samples they’re getting or or if they debit the account when they have the samples in hand. So yesterday I made a big ‘faith purchase’ and transferred the extra money into the account. And I’m really hoping and praying they use at least some of it. But if they don’t I will spend that money on something to make myself feel better :)… Or save it for the next round of PGD testing. It took a lot for me to do that. My online banking session kept timing out while I went back and forth trying to decide. I made the purchase but I’m still undecided, if that makes sense. But it’s done and it’s not the end of the world.

So here we are. 9 am on day 6. My stomach is in knots. I want them to call already. N keeps saying that he has a good feeling about this. I do sometimes but I’m very scared still. Especially today. I made the mistake yesterday of googling stories about embryo drop off rates after day 3. Huge mistake. But I’ve put a self ban on Google now so that’s good.

Okay, I have to get some work done. My next post will have results.

I hope everyone is having a good week so far!

Cycle Buddy Guilt

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This are going extremely well this cycle. A little too well. I’m so excited and, at the same time, I’m wrestling my doubt demons. When you’re up so high the fall is going to suck.

Of the 20, 15 were mature and 12 fertilized… 12! and 15 mature?! How is that possible? I’m over the moon. Another baby step win! I’m really trying to stay present in every moment and enjoy this. I think I’m an emotional eater… No, I definitely am. I was so happy I went to buy all the sugar and carbs I could find. All of them.

One thing I’m not enjoying is feeling guilty about the good results. I almost don’t want to post the results on Instagram. I used to hate having cycle buddies. Actually I still kinda don’t like it. Mostly because I was always the “loser”. Most of the women I cycled with are pregnant now and it hurts. And some of them have children and it’s a constant reminder that my baby could have been that age now.

This time, all my cycle buddies aren’t doing as well and I seem to be doing great (I probably just jinxed myself now but whatever, today is great). Now I feel bad. I don’t want others to hurt while I’m not and I especially don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s hurt.

Of course things could turn around for them they are not out of the game yet and I could still end up “losing” but today some of them are disappointed and I feel quite the opposite.

Has anyone experienced cycle buddy guilt? I’m trying to think of a tactful way to share results on Instagram. I mean I could just deactivate the account and not have to deal with it, right?

Anyway, my next call will be on Saturday. Please keep us in your thoughts. This part is so hard.

Carb City

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It was a good day and a good retrieval. I only took today off so I’m just napping and resting and filling up on all the carbs I missed out on these past few weeks.

I’ll write more in the morning but everything went well and the pain is minimal. I’m just battling a violent headache. 

They retrieved 20 eggs!  I’m extremely surprised and elated. I know most of them won’t be mature but that’s a great number. I was worried that with that many eggs I would be in a bunch of pain but I’m really doing well. Right now anyway. 

One day at a time. And today was a win. 

Thank you very much everyone for keeping us in your thoughts. Thank you so very much. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to dive into a grilled cheese sandich… Maybe two. 

It Is Done

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​IVF ROUND 5

DAY 11 – Monitoring day and Trigger day
(Monday Nov 14)

Meds: 75iu Gonal-f , 75iu Menopur, 1 x Cetrotide, 1 x Lupron trigger, o.5mg Cabergoline

Estrogen: 5031
LH: 1.98
Progesterone: 1.05
Left Ovary: 21.5, 21, 19.5, 17.5, 17, 16, 16, 14, 13, 12.5, 11.5
Right Ovary: 20, 19

 Just did the Lupron trigger a little while ago and I’m very sick again. Pukey and miserable so I’m going to make this quick. My estrogen is out of control so they prescribed Cabergoline again. I wonder what would make my estrogen jump so steeply. Stupid me took the cabergoline early instead of right before bed so that’s making me very sick as well. 

Retrieval is set for Wednesday at 8:30 am. I am ready to get these eggs outta me! Have to go back tomorrow to make sure the trigger worked. That’s 4 days in a row doing that trek. I. Am. Tired. I only took Wednesday off so hopefully that doesn’t come back to bite me. And I have to work on Saturday. It’s going to continue to be a rough week. 

Thank you thank you so much everyone for following along and cheering us on. I’m very happy to not have to do this alone. 
Emotional: Excited for anesthesia nap! Happy to be done. A little scared of the unknown. 

Physical: Violent nausea and light sensitivity right now. I despise Lupron. 

Food: i don’t know but there was chicken and eggs and a slim jim. I feel awful. Going to bed. 

Coasting

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IVF ROUND 5

DAY 10 – Monitoring Day
(Sunday Nov 13)

Meds: 75iu Gonal-f , 75iu Menopur, 1 x Cetrotide 

Estrogen: 4198
LH: 0.7
Progesterone: 1.05
Left Ovary: 18, 16, 16, 16, 15, 15, 13, 12, 11
Right Ovary: 18, 16

 

Well that didn’t go as planned. As you can see not enough growth on the left and something funny with my right so I couldn’t trigger tonight. Maybe Saturday’s tech was overzealous :). And as you can see, my estradiol almost doubled so now they’re dropping my doses down and I’ll likely be doing a Lupron trigger which I’m not excited about.

I don’t know if this is good or bad but the nurse seemed nonplussed. The only thing I don’t like is dropping the dose and the Lupron trigger.

I read about it and I think what they’re doing is called coasting. you drop or stop the hormones if a patient’s estradiol goes over 2500 and the lead follicles are between 15 and 18mm. And you do this for a few days until the estradiol drops to a safer number then trigger. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it as long as you don’t do it for too long.

I just am not a huge fan of the Lupron trigger. It made me really sick last time and while it helps prevent OHSS, I got it in my head that it’s not good for egg quality. But let’s see.

Another bummer of a day. I was looking forward to triggering tonight but I’m okay now. I had a bigger disappointment. We planned to go see a movie and get unlimited shrimp at Outback Steakhouse today. We saw Arrival (pretty good) but stupid Outback was closed for some reason. Stupid Outback!

Anyway, back to clinic tomorrow. Please little follicles grow for mama.

Emotional: More bummed about Outback being closed actually

Physical: The tummy bloat is still there but the bloated feeling is gone. The nausea is back in full swing right now.

Food: Bacon and eggs and guacamole for brunch, Salmon and roasted veg for dinner.

The Little Ovary That Could

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IVF ROUND 5

DAY 9 – Monitoring Day
(Saturday Nov 12)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur, 1 x Cetrotide 

Estrogen: 2544
LH: 1.95
Progesterone: 0.9
Left Ovary: 17, 16, 16, 14, 14, 13, 12, 11
Right Ovary: 18, 17, 9

You would swear this is the first time I’m doing this because I thought we’d be doing retrieval on Friday. All my retrievals have been on a Friday so I had no reason to think otherwise but surprise surprise, I will likely be triggering tomorrow for a retrieval on Tuesday. How did this happen? I just started stims.

I feel slightly unprepared. I need to shave. I should wash my hair. Did I eat well enough? Did I take this cycle seriously enough? I didn’t do any exercise. I didn’t do any meditation. What the heck?

*Breathe* Despite me panicking on the inside, I think this cycle went really well. I’m feeling good, physically, right now. And I’d like to take a moment to congratulate my right ovary. She doesn’t have the numbers but she is certainly the over achiever this round. 3 follicles? Wow. And she’s sporting the lead follicle right now? Damn girl! *slow clap*. I know that little 9mm probably won’t have a mature egg in it but it’s there and it’s trying damn it. I wish they could tell you which ovary made mature eggs. I have to go in tomorrow morning again for probably my last scan. I can’t wait to see how my little 9er on the right is doing.

I don’t know how this cycle is going to go but I am happy with my body today. We did it guys.

Emotional: 10% what if I fall… 90% what if I fly.

Physical: Sharp pains on the left. No dizziness or nausea which is great!

Food: Smoothie (strawberries, banoonoos (see below), coconut milk, 2 eggs) for breakfast, Sonic double cheeseburger without the bun and some tator tots for lunch, Roasted chicken, ceasar salad and some brie cheese for dinner. Halo Top Chocolate ice cream because we deserve it!

PS: I went to visit my friend yesterday and she had this sing along show on Netflix on for her son and I canNOT get this song out of my head. Maybe this is why I’m in a good mood. Here’s hoping you get this one stuck in your head too :).

Just A Quicky

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​IVF ROUND 5

DAY 8
(Friday Nov 11)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur, 1 x Cetrotide 

Notes: estrogen=1336; LH=10; progesterone=xx; Left Ovary=12, 11, 11, 11, 11, 9; Right Ovary=13.5, 11.6

Just a quick update. Everything is the same as yesterday. My next monitoring appointment is tomorrow.

Emotional: No complaints. I’m a bit worried about tomorrow’s scan. But only a bit. 

Physical: Symptoms come and go. Even the bloat isn’t very significant anymore. 

Food: Didn’t eat much today. Smoothie (berries, coconut milk, 2 eggs) for breakfast, giant burrito bowl for dinner. 

Enter Jabba

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IVF ROUND 5

DAY 7 – Monitoring Day
(Thursday Nov 10)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur, 1 x Cetrotide 

Notes: estrogen=1336; LH=10; progesterone=xx; Left Ovary=12, 11, 11, 11, 11, 9; Right Ovary=13.5, 11.6

Hitting the wall now. I was hoping for some more growth at the scan this morning but no such luck. No new follicles and the ones I have are just a smidge bigger than last time.

We still have time, of course, but this is what it feels like when you hit the wall. I started feeling the bloat after my last post last night. I felt fine throughout the day but as soon as I got home the bloat started again and I’ve been having terribly sharp pains on both sides. All good signs I’m sure.

I’m very thankful for the long weekend. I need to not do anything for a few days.

Emotional: Doing okay, despite the side effects.

Physical: jabba-the-hutt-portrait-tall

Food: 2 Boiled eggs for breakfast. Fail pork leftovers for lunch. Chili and fried queso fresco for dinner.

Tired

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IVF ROUND 5

DAY 6
(Wednesday Nov 9)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur 

Notes: estrogen=651.6; LH=2.7; progesterone=0.3; Left Ovary=10.5, 10.3, 10.3, 10, 9.2; Right Ovary=10.4, 10.1

Day 6 is like kinda halfway-ish with stims. I’m starting to feel less miserable which is good and my ovaries are aching which is even better. I don’t have anything else to report. Next monitoring appointment tomorrow.

Emotional: Yesterday and today was emotional and stressful and for once it wasn’t IVF related. I’m just hoping the stressing didn’t have adverse effects on my eggs.

Physical: Nausea has dissipated somewhat and I’m myself again and TMI so much discharge.

Food: 2 Boiled eggs for breakfast. Keto chicken patties and spinach for lunch. Failed pork loin and beans. Total fail meal.

Chatty Day

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IVF ROUND 5

DAY 5 – Monitoring Day
(Tuesday Nov 8)

Meds: 300iu Gonal-f , 150iu Menopur 

Notes: estrogen=651.6; LH=2.7; progesterone=0.3; Left Ovary=10.5, 10.3, 10.3, 10, 9.2; Right Ovary=Champion! 10.4, 10.1

She did it! My right ovary finally has something measurable at our first appointment. I’m so happy. And they’re comparable to the Left.  Well done you! If you find yourself having a drink tonight, please toast to my fighter ovary. So proud.

Just a quick story. My clinic has two doors to get into the building. In between the two doors is just a holding area I guess. Anyway, the first door always seems to be open but the second door to get inside opens at 6:27am and there’s always a group of women huddling in the holding area waiting for the second door to open. Sometimes the group is chatty. Sometimes the group is quiet and buried in phones. Sometimes it’s just me. The area is very small so you can feel everyone’s energy and I think sometimes we’re all just hoping someone will be chatty so that we don’t have to be in our own heads. That’s my thought anyway.

Today was a chatty day, thankfully. It’s been a while. Two young ladies. One doing her first IVF after 2 failed IUI’s. She was there for hopefully her last check to see if she could trigger. The other was I think in the middle of her cycle. I didn’t get which cycle it was but I think she’s a lifer like me. I walked into the 2 of them discussing something and I found myself joining with the vet and telling stories and giving advice. What struck me was how jovial she was. She’d mentioned that the doctors didn’t give her much hope but she was here giving it her all. Everything that came out of her mouth was with a smile. She was really funny too. I admired her. I like when people speak candidly about infertility. It makes it seem less taboo-ish, I think.

Anyway, there’s no real point to that story. I just wanted to remember her and the fact that she brightened my day.

Emotional: Still feeling good. Clinging to the happy.

Physical: Every present nausea and dizziness. Please make it stop. Let’s add tiredness. Probably because I’ve been up since 4.

Food: 2 Boiled eggs for breakfast. Turkey sandwich minus the bread for lunch. Keto chicken patties and stir fried veggies for dinner.