After the Dust has Settled

So the phone call on Friday evening came as no surprise but I still allowed myself to weep silently for a while. We have our follow up appointed (more affectionately named, the WTF happened appointment) on Tuesday and he wants us to meet with the PGD team too for some reason. Is it okay that I’m angry because I’m dreading this appointment? I don’t like crying in front of strangers and I will most certainly cry if someone mentions what happened. I really don’t want to do it.

It is now Sunday morning and I think I’m all cried out. Yesterday was spent telling my family, friends  and some ttc sisters that we kept the FET a secret and that it hadn’t worked. The outpouring of love and support was too much for me  and I was a weepy mess all day. I went to get my hair coloured and cut with a good friend and she bought me lunch after and we talked about it as much as I could. I definitely needed that.

I spent the rest of the day wallowing in despair. I felt a physical pit in my stomach. Probably the same spot where a baby is supposed to be growing right now. The injustice of it all.

I’m so angry. Angry at myself for getting my hopes up. Angry for not telling anyone because it was so lonely going through this even though I knew it was best for me at the time. I’m angry that I’m letting it get to me so much. I’m angry that we can’t try again immediately. I’m angry that we probably won’t be able to try for a long time while we save up.

I’m so sad. I’m sad that I couldn’t keep my baby alive for more than a few days.

I’m so scared. I’m scared that a childless life is a real possibility. I’m scared that everyone else will become pregnant before I do.

So here we are today. I’ve made a realisation. Before, I feel like I was an outsider looking in. Infertility was just a thing I couldn’t put my finger on and it didn’t feel real. But when I look at that positive pregnancy test I realise what I had and what was taken away and how much I actually want and need to be a mother. It’s awakened something else in me. I’ve never in my life been pregnant before and now that I’ve tasted it, I’m addicted and it’s fucking scary. Determination in the face of extreme adversity is new to me.

I’ve never before had a real purpose I don’t think. Nothing this real anyway. I’m faced with 2 options. Quit… Or fight to the death. Right now I’m really on the fence because I’m at rock bottom it could go either way. The only reason I feel like quitting is because I have no fight in me today. Thinking of this fight is tiring me out. I’m sure I have it in me but not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Oh look… I guess I’m not all cried out…

Midweek Freak

Guys I’m freaking out. I haven’t slept in two nights. I think melatonin will be on the menu tonight.

Transfer is in 7 days. I think the gravity of it hit me last night as I was dozing off. I am 100% invested now. A place I didn’t want to be in case it failed. I’m locked between grieving a loss and picking out colours for the baby’s room. OMG we’re sleeping in the baby’s room right now. We need to get this house finished. Wait. I’m not even there yet. I can’t deal with myself right now. I knew this would be the longest week ever. Why is it only Tuesday? Why is it only 1:57??! Shit, it’s already Tuesday! I have one more week. It’s going too quickly. But it’s going so slowly too! Argh!!

*Breathe*

That’s just a tiny glimpse of what’s going on in my mind. I really haven’t been able to concentrate at work. This is nonsense.

Tomorrow is my last ultrasound and blood work (according to the calendar) and I should be adding Crinone tomorrow evening. Tonight is potentially my last game of volleyball for the season. I hope we win.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in to document that I’m losing my mind. I can’t comprehend what’s happening and it’s very unsettling. This is actually when I need my acupuncturist but he’s out of town until Sunday!

Sorry if this was a little all over the place. I need to get back to work.

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In the Trenches

So I’m feeling guilty after my last post about me keeping my FET to myself. Like people would be rolling their eyes while reading thinking “this girls thinks too much of herself, who needs her.”

Why did I feel the need to unburden myself or announce that I’m unfollowing people who have been supporting me through my journey. Why did I feel the need to make my problems your problems?

This certainly wasn’t my intention and I’m sure it wasn’t perceived that way at all. But as you can see, I tend to be self deprecating (my blog title says it all, really) and feel like I’m not good enough for people to care about. I guess now that I’m in the trenches I find myself hyper sensitive. I worry that this won’t work and we’ll be childless forever and I’m struggling to take it one day at a time.

Fuck you infertility. I’m furious that you’ve turned me into this person.

I just want to apologize again if I offended anyone and, honestly, I really can’t stay away, I have been reading all the ‘unfollowed’ blogs anyway just to make sure you’re all doing well. It just helps me not feel that pit in my stomach when I get the email alert. If I go find a blog to read on my own I feel like I have more control. All I want is control :).

So the lovely Eventual Momma suggested that I put my blogs on a delay so that way I can keep posting and keep my sanity so I don’t jinx this FET.

We’re on day 4 of Estradiol (generic Estrace) and we have a transfer date set which is crazy to me. Two more weekends. Wow. I’m taking 1 mg twice a day, 81 mg of low dose aspirin, a prenatal and 4 fish oil pills. Taking the fish oil because my skin is ridiculously dry this winter and it’s really helped in the past.

I’m not feeling any different but after acupuncture I noticed a bruise on my knee where one of the needles went it. I assume this if from the aspirin. I bruise like a peach anyway so I’m not too phased about it. I’m also badly bruised from my first blood draw but again, this is nothing new to me.

There’s nothing of import to report, though. Tomorrow is blood draw number 2. My clinic’s satellite office recently moved to another place in Providence and my usual ultrasound tech and blood draw person aren’t there anymore. I’m not happy about that. I didn’t know their names but I really liked them. The new blood draw person was sweet and the needle didn’t hurt at all going in but I can’t get a read on the new ultrasound tech. She asked me if I wanted to put the wand in myself. Um no thank you, I’m not going to do that in front of a stranger. This process is awkward enough. She seems nice enough, I guess, but I miss my buddy. Last year I had an ultrasound on Halloween and she was dressed as a sperm. I mean, come on! How do you not love her?!

Anyway, that’s enough from me. Thank you everyone for the support and understanding. I am forever grateful and I wish I had all your addresses so I could send you something.