In the Trenches

So I’m feeling guilty after my last post about me keeping my FET to myself. Like people would be rolling their eyes while reading thinking “this girls thinks too much of herself, who needs her.”

Why did I feel the need to unburden myself or announce that I’m unfollowing people who have been supporting me through my journey. Why did I feel the need to make my problems your problems?

This certainly wasn’t my intention and I’m sure it wasn’t perceived that way at all. But as you can see, I tend to be self deprecating (my blog title says it all, really) and feel like I’m not good enough for people to care about. I guess now that I’m in the trenches I find myself hyper sensitive. I worry that this won’t work and we’ll be childless forever and I’m struggling to take it one day at a time.

Fuck you infertility. I’m furious that you’ve turned me into this person.

I just want to apologize again if I offended anyone and, honestly, I really can’t stay away, I have been reading all the ‘unfollowed’ blogs anyway just to make sure you’re all doing well. It just helps me not feel that pit in my stomach when I get the email alert. If I go find a blog to read on my own I feel like I have more control. All I want is control :).

So the lovely Eventual Momma suggested that I put my blogs on a delay so that way I can keep posting and keep my sanity so I don’t jinx this FET.

We’re on day 4 of Estradiol (generic Estrace) and we have a transfer date set which is crazy to me. Two more weekends. Wow. I’m taking 1 mg twice a day, 81 mg of low dose aspirin, a prenatal and 4 fish oil pills. Taking the fish oil because my skin is ridiculously dry this winter and it’s really helped in the past.

I’m not feeling any different but after acupuncture I noticed a bruise on my knee where one of the needles went it. I assume this if from the aspirin. I bruise like a peach anyway so I’m not too phased about it. I’m also badly bruised from my first blood draw but again, this is nothing new to me.

There’s nothing of import to report, though. Tomorrow is blood draw number 2. My clinic’s satellite office recently moved to another place in Providence and my usual ultrasound tech and blood draw person aren’t there anymore. I’m not happy about that. I didn’t know their names but I really liked them. The new blood draw person was sweet and the needle didn’t hurt at all going in but I can’t get a read on the new ultrasound tech. She asked me if I wanted to put the wand in myself. Um no thank you, I’m not going to do that in front of a stranger. This process is awkward enough. She seems nice enough, I guess, but I miss my buddy. Last year I had an ultrasound on Halloween and she was dressed as a sperm. I mean, come on! How do you not love her?!

Anyway, that’s enough from me. Thank you everyone for the support and understanding. I am forever grateful and I wish I had all your addresses so I could send you something.

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6 thoughts on “In the Trenches

  1. Throughout my TTC journey I had to unfollow/follow some blogs because it felt like salt in my already deep and infected wounds. You do what you need to do. We of all people should understand how totally all-consuming this process is. I hope your next FET brings good things 🙂

  2. Don’t apologize for doing what you have to do to take care of yourself. All of us IF/RPL bloggers should understand more than anyone. I’ve thought about being a little more guarded when we finally start another FET cycle. We’ve been so open it might be nice to have a little privacy for a change. Wishing you all the best with this cycle. I so hope it works this time.

  3. Big hugs! You had to do what you had to do, hun. There is no perfect way to to approach the trenches. Im proud of you for trying a different approach. I have been thinking of you ❤ Btw, I always find that question about inserting the wand yourself to be super awkward too!

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