So Dizzy

Snuggled on the couch stroking the tender spot on my tummy where my first Menopur and Gonal F shots of this second cycle went in, trying to gauge my emotional state.

My physical state is..well.. dizzy, I have a funny chemical taste in the back of my throat and tenderness at the injection site.

All day I was trying to keep busy, cleaning out the bathroom and getting the trim ready for the dining room. I was excited. Mixing the meds I was almost giddy. And now I’m feeling a bit emotional. It might be because I started a full period this morning as a result of stopping the pill so I might be pmsing but I do feel like having a good cry. I’m nervous and my mind is racing. This is not how I wanted this to go.

The theme of this cycle is supposed to be CALM. When I got the antral follicle count on Wednesday (twelve). I spent all day googling antral follicle counts vs egg retrieval counts. That’s not what I wanted to do this cycle but I completely threw all my rules out of the window.

I’m going to try harder to be calmer. I will be calmer. I have yoga and my ivf cd’s. I can do this.

If you’re interested in the technical bits. Here’s what’s happening this cycle.

Day 1:
300iu Gonal F
150iu Menopur
250cc Strawberry Cheesecake

 

1 1 1

Well here we go. Cycle day 1 has arrived. And today also happens to be 1 year, 1 month and 1 day since my last cycle day one.

I started this post at work earlier and I was trying to gauge my feelings about this cycle. At the time I was deep in the throws of violent cramping, as I’d forgotten my pain killers at home, and I was not feeling excited at all. My exact words were that this cycle feels like I am getting back with an ex.

I still feel like that more than I am excited at this point. I feel like I’m waiting for something to fuck up so that I can admonish myself for getting my hopes up.

Things are going to be different this cycle however so it’s not like I’m getting back with the same old ex who “did me wrong”. I’ll be getting back with an ex who has shown proof that he’s changed, so there’s reason to hope that things will turn out differently this time.

For one, we’re doubling my dose of meds so that, in the words of my RE, we’re not playing catch up. I’m not doing acupuncture this time. I know it comes highly recommended but It’s a bit expensive and it didn’t work last time. I’ve opted instead for Zita West’s IVF relaxation and meditation cd that I got from a friend and yoga. And finally, N and I are all loaded up on 3+ months of fertility friendly vitamins.

None of this is a guarantee of anything but I feel a little more prepared I think. And I’m a little relieved that my nerves from before are replaced with this feeling of indifference. It’s helping me not crumble into a million pieces.

I spoke to the nurse today and I’m to do the blood pregnancy test on Thursday and start birth control pills the same day if the test comes back negative (rolls eyes). My baseline ultrasound is on the 25th and I’ll stop birth control on the same day. Then I’ll wait for instructions on when to start injections. Oh, the meds should be delivered on Friday.

Maybe when I see the meds I’ll get excited. Why am I not excited? Hmmm.

In the meantime, cheers to 1 1 1!! On to the next one!