I’ve been following and commenting on everyone’s blogs and just last night realized that I haven’t updated my own blog despite wanting to be a more avid blogger this year. Oh well.

We’re very much back in the swing of things over here. I just finished 3 weeks of birth control pills and I’ve added in Lupron already. I think I’m on day 7 now. My first baseline is tomorrow and then we’ll see when to start estrogen.

If you’re wondering what the hell is going on, we’re doing the mock ERA test cycle right now. So no transfer anytime soon but we will be doing the painful biopsy around the second week of February… if January ever ends. What the hell with this month? Amiright?

I also had a follow-up appointment with my new RE on the 4th. We just went over this next cycle and my transfer cycle. If everything runs smoothly (pfft) we should transfer little Lucky early to mid April. It seems like a million years away but probably because January is being an asshole and just hanging around like an unwanted ex.

I will say that my RE seems very optimistic. He gave us 70-80% chance of success based on the fact that we’re switching to injectable progesterone instead of vaginal suppositories and the fact that we’re doing this ERA test. I don’t know how to take this optimism. Do I take it and run or do I squint my eyes untrustingly and say hmmm?

On good days I’m already planning maternity leave. On bad days … well, we all know how those days go.

So in IVF land we are simply chugging along. It will begin to get more exciting in the coming weeks.

My holiday back home was fantastic. Almost perfect. Almost because N couldn’t join me. He was working on a boat (Incidentally, the same boat he was working on in SA when we met) and a few days before we were due to leave the client needed N to stay and do more and more work. I don’t want to go over it again bringing those feelings back to the surface. But it sucked and we tried everything to get him there but in the end we weren’t able to. And I just want to say that N has to go to St. John next week to work on this damned boat again and it’s our anniversary next week. Isn’t it funny that the boat that brought us together is trying to pull us apart? I have to laugh because if I don’t… well.

But being with my family and friends was just what I needed. I realized how much I love being around children I love. And there were so many kids. I did a tally and we’re talking easily 20+ kids. So I was surrounded by children all.the.time. It was glorious. I love these kids. I love everything about them. The things they say, the way they laugh. I love how extremely loud they are. I love when my nephews come sit on my lap for no reason. I love when my niece lets me brush her hair. I love watching them fight with each other and seeing them share. I love watching them dance and swim. I love holding and dancing with the little ones and high-fiving the older ones. I love listening to their parents talk about them. I love hearing them shout “Mommy!” and “Daddy!”. I love watching my friends interact with their children. I just love them all to bits. It breaks my heart to be so far away from everyone and not see them grow up. Yes, when I was alone with my own thoughts I struggled a bit and Christmas was particularly difficult. I stayed in bed as long as I could and I missed most of the children opening presents because I missed my husband and hearing the laughter was cutting into my aching heart but other than that, being around the kids seemed to make everything okay.

Okay, to sign off for now (because I’ve just awoken the homesick monster), I want to leave you with a video and a song. The song is Sunshine by Tom Misch. He’s my new obsession. I tweeted at him recently and he liked my tweet and I completely fangirled for a few days lol. This song is one of his more upbeat IVF fitting ones. Hope you enjoy.

The video is my favourite from the holiday. Going home this time the plan was to surprise my eldest brother for his 40th. They did a roast for him so N and I sent in a video to wish him a happy birthday since we “weren’t going to be there”. The video is of me surprising him. Just ignore the inside jokes in the video.

Happy new year everyone! We’ll be just fine.

I’m currently on hour 3 of a 9 hour layover on my way to South Africa. 

Just wanted to wish everyone a super fantastic Christmas and if I don’t post when I get back then have a happy new year. 

It’s been a pretty shitty year for me. The shittiest in a long while and I am so glad to be seeing the back of it soon. But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy for all of you who have seen your wildest dreams come true this year. 

Despite it being a terrible year, as I’m sitting here now, I don’t feel bitter or angry. I’m excited for 2017, come what may. I know that im the past the odd years have been the shitty years but that theory has beem turned on its head lol. Anything is possible! Let’s get it on. I have cool new resolutions that won’t last until February but it’s something to look forward to. 

Next year will mark 4 years of ttc and 3 years of ivf. And it will also likely be our last year of trying. So high hopes going in already. 

Sorry if this is a rambling post. I haven’t slept well and trying to stay awake to get onto this time zone. 

This will probably be my last post for 2016 so please, everyone, take care of yourselves. Wherever you are in your journey, take care of yourself. 

I love each and every one of you. Thank you for entertaining my antics these past few blogging years. Thank you for rooting for us, praying for us, crying and laughing with us. Here’s to all of us this journey. 

Here’s to 2017 being THE year. 

I got this idea from Angela who sent me a lovely package a while ago (Thank you again!!) and I’ve been wanting to do the same and now that I have some down time I can put some energy into giving back.

I’ve taken so much from all of you whose blogs I follow. Strength, hope, knowledge and love. It’s easy to find kinship here and so very thankful for each of you.

I’ve sent a few packages to IVF friends and it brings me a lot of joy to be able to spread a little sunshine. I’ve also received packages from some angels and they always seem to be just what I need.

I understand that some of you want to keep everything private, but if you’re comfortable with sharing your details with me and would like a tiny surprise from time to time please email me your info to 30yroldnothing@gmail.com.

❤

I’m on my phone so I’ll make this quick. Thank you thank you thank for going on this ride with me… With us.

I’ll write more tomorrow. I’ve had a cry, informed my loved ones and poured a drink.

C’est la vie…

The doctor went with the HCG trigger in the end. But he did want me to do it subcutaneously and not in the butt-tocks *Forest Gump voice*.

I just did it and now I’m under the covers watching The Affair. Probably not the best choice if I’m to be relaxed because this shit has my blood boiling.

Anyway, thus ends my second IVF cycle. I was beyond excited when I left the clinic. I chatted to my right ovary and the 2 follies grew to 17 and 18 mm. So proud. I think we’ll have less eggs at retrieval than last cycle since we’re holding steady at 10 follicles but I’m feeling good about their quality since they were all about the same sizes give or take a mm or 2.

Tomorrow is going to be a long ass day at work. Sigh. Thank you all for hanging in there with me and praying and cheering. I feel like we go through these cycles together so I know you’re all right there with me on the edge of your seats and it means the world to me.

Day 11, IVF 2:
HCG Trigger

E2: 3278. Nurse said to take ohss preventative measures just in case.
LH: 1.1
Progesterone: 1.4
Lefty: 8 the biggest is at 22mm
Righty: 2 fighters 17mm and 18mm

Physical:
A little dizzy.

Emotional:
Yes

Food:
Bacon wrapped boneless chicken thighs stuffed with jalapeños and cream cheese and cheese and cheese.

Moment of Zen:
A little rude but I lol’d. Poor smeagle.

Today was rough. First rough day this cycle. I think because it was Monday and I’m stressing about giving myself this shot tomorrow morning. I was/am feeling defeated and woe-is-me-ish. I’m ready to for this retrieval now.

I was having a total infertility day. Why us? What if this doesn’t work? You know the drill. And since work is slow, I really just had my thoughts driving me crazy. I was very happy to be home to put on comfy pants. it’s amazing what a pair of comfy pants can do for one’s well being. Anyway I think I’m okay now. Let’s hope they say I can trigger soon.

Day 9, IVF 2:
300iu Gonal F
150iu Menopur
1 syringe Ganirelix

E2: 1400
LH: Not given
Lefty: 6 ranging between 10mm and 15mm
Righty: 2 glorious little ones around 12ish mm

Physical:
Let’s welcome constipation to the party!

Emotional:
See above. Bad day today.

Food:
cottage pie with cauliflower mash instead of potatoes.

Moment of Zen:

Attempting to update from my phone. I can see my laptop but, just no. I’m sorry if these updates are boring, I’m just trying to keep track of my progress in case we have to do this again.

I realized today after my first Ganirelix shot that because of the timing I’m going to have to inject myself at work for a few days. I’ve never done that before and now I’m nervous. I think I’ll practice tomorrow morning before my appointment.

Day 7, IVF 2:
300iu Gonal F
150iu Menopur
1 syringe Ganirelix

E2: 402.5
LH: 2.36
Lefty: 2 @10.5mm, 2@10mm, a few more @<11mm
Righty: a few @ <11mm

Physical:
Definitely bloated. Starting to see the bloat.
Nausea continues.
Sleeping like a champ.

Emotional:
I sang Mariah Carey’s Fantasy, really loudly in the way to pick up food.

Food:
Steak and cheese calzone and calamari.

Moment of Zen:
Just a silly one I had one my phone.