Follicle Watch: The Finale

Estrogen: 2876

Right Side: 9 follicles
Left Side:10 follicles no sizes mentioned but at the ultrasound the tech said I had some 21’s and 19’s and 17’s.

We finally made it… I trigger tonight at 8:30pm. I’ll be doing the following: 150iu Gonal F and 150iu of Menopur and the hCG. The hCG shot is the one with the thick needle that goes into my ample booty. For once I’m happy about my giant bedonkadonk. The nurse says it was a great cycle and I’m crazy excited. Retrieval is on Friday morning so I’ll have a nice long weekend too. Thanks little baby follies for playing along. So proud.

happy-dance- My heart melted a little when my husband said he was excited too. He’s emotions are difficult to gauge most times but I have written proof on my phone now so that’s nice :).

11-5-2014 5-16-32 PM

Proof!

Now if only this day would end, so I can go home. 40min left. tick tock!

Follicle Watch: Episode 4

Estrogen: 1968

Left side: 9 Follicles measuring 10-17mm
Right side: 6 Follicles measuring 12-15mm

Medication: 300iu Gonal F, 150iu Menopur, 1 pre-filled syringe Ganirelix

Now we’re cooking with fire. The nurse mentioned possible Lupron triggering coming soon. I think we’re finally nearing the end. It’s certainly flown by. I must say I was really down about 8 follicles on Sunday. I know, I know 8 is not that bad a number but I read a blog entry by The Sky and Back where she mentions visualisation and how she used it to shrink a cyst. If you’re reading this, can I share the Coocoo award with you? :)… I talked to my follicles and pictured them growing inside me. I’m not saying it worked but they did grow. Just sayin’ :).

So I go back tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work. My veins are starting to feel the strain. And I was expecting to be bloated but It’s not a normal period bloat maybe more like a food baby? My tummy feels harder to the touch and I was pretty nauseous last night. Taking it in my stride.

In other news, a dear friend of mine announced a pregnancy today. I am rocking these pregnancy announcements, lemme tell you. lol. Her text to me was beyond sweet and, I could tell, really well thought out. I feel bad that my friends feel a sense of dread or sadness amidst such happy news, where my feelings are concerned. I’m flattered that they thought of us and told us first but I hate this our infertility has affected everyone so profoundly. It’s cruelty really knows no bounds.

Follicle Watch: Episode 3

Estrogen: 1369
LH: 9.61
Progesterone: 0.762

Left side follicle sizes: 15, 14, 13, 10, 8 (mm)
Right side follicle sizes: 12, 10, 8 (mm)

The dildo cam hurt a lot today. I think my uterus is starting to not enjoy the poking and prodding. My tummy is really sensitive to the touch and I’ve been feeling sharp/dull pains on my left and right side but I know that’s just my potential kiddos growing so I’m kinda relishing the pain. The nurse seems very happy with these numbers we just need the little guys to catch up with the rest of everyone else.

We added Ganirelix to the party too. That was a nice surprise. I was warned that the needle was blunt but N and I both had a really good laugh when he tried to jab it in and it just bounced off my tummy. The laugh turned a bit hysterical when the second jab didn’t work. We got it in on the third go at least. Not cool. The nurse said my estrogen should drop at the next check because of the ganirelix but we’ll see.

I did, of course, have a mini meltdown with my low follicle numbers but after talking to some lovely ttc sisters I’m back to being grateful for my lot in life. The best part about this lonely ass journey is that it’s not really that lonely if you know where to look. I’ve met some really awesome ladies here, on fb and instagram and I’m so thankful to each and every one of you. Thank you for reading and commenting and following my journey.

Babydust to everyone. Hope you’re all having a great Sunday. How bout that snow today, huh? Geez! I took a picture of it then I realised my back yard looks like an episode of hoarders. We’ll just keep that one to ourselves.

Shots fired!

We are well on our way here in IVF land. Did my first set of injections last night. As was stated in my next set of instructions after my suppression check came back with the all clear.

20141027_131755

It was quite a production. I wish I’d video taped it but I was too preoccupied. My husband had to take the reigns because I simply couldn’t. All in all it wasn’t a huge train smash. The needle going in is easy peasy. I couldn’t even feel it but the Menopur burns, people. It burns like hell. That’s going to take some getting used to. Afterwards, I felt a bit dizzy but I wasn’t sure if it was in my head or not. While I was laying on the couch it dawned on me that I really have no idea what I just injected into my system. So I did some Googling. Here’s what I have and what Google says it does.

Gonal F:

20141023_19283620141023_192844

I have to do 150 units of this every night from the beginning. The pen already has the medicine in it and has to be stored in the fridge. Very simply, this guy provides the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) that helps stimulate healthy ovaries to produce eggs. It should be used with another hormone to help with growth of health eggs. I’m using it with Menopur. Gonal F and Follistim are the same thing, essentially. I inject this into my belly (subcutaneoulsy)

Menopur:

20141023_195700

This one has the follicle stimulating hormone and the luteinizing hormone (LH) also to help the ovaries make eggs. It’s also used in combination with another hormone medication. It burns going in. Be warned. I got 10 units. 20 vials. 1 has a powder (or what looks like a little urinal cake) and the other has a clear liquid. I have to dissolve some liquid into the powder which makes me feel like and evil scientist. It gets injected into the tummy too.

Ganirelix Acetate:

20141023_195553

These guys come in pre-filled syringes. I have 4 of them. It blocks the release of LH to delay ovulation and increases the chance of producing fertile eggs. From that I gather that I would start taking this towards the end of stimulation. Another one for the tummy. That’s going to be fun!

Leuprolide Acetate:

20141023_195418

Also known as Lupron. This is used to treat advanced prostate cancer in men… Wait, what? It is used to stop early puberty in children… Hang on… oh, here it is… It may also be used to treat disorders of the uterus. In females, leuprolide reduces the amount of estrogen that the body makes. It is used to decrease the amount of hormone you make for a short time and to prevent ovulation. Now, it looks like it can be used before starting stimulation meds to suppress the ovaries. However, I haven’t used it yet. Not quite sure how it’ll fit in. Watch this space.

And last but not least,

Chorionic Gonadotropin:

20141023_195320

Also known as hCG. Also known as the trigger shot. This is a shot that has to be taken in the butt (awesome) at a very specific time at the end of your stimulation when you’re at your most bloated and uncomfortable. It causes ovulation, I believe, within 36hrs of taking it. Hence the strict timing. It looks like the Menopur with the liquid and powder mix.

And there you have it. These are the meds I have. I’m still pretty clueless as to what I’m doing since this is my first time but I hope this helps if it’s your first time too. If you’re a vet and you’ve noticed some stark inconsistencies in my information, please let me know or give me some other info I can add on.

I hope all your cycles are progressing smoothly and have a great day. I’m at work and I’m pretty sure my lunch hour is over.

Happy Monday!

G’bye Beer… For a bit…

I don’t have an official calendar from the clinic. Just some scribbles on a post-it. All my IVF information is mostly only post-it’s. I do transfer all the information to my calendar at home and my little diary in my bag. Just so it’s a bit more official looking. Here’s my latest post-it:

20141016_143304Basically, I have to be on the pill for 12 days (whoop!) then my suppression check (where they check to see if my ovaries and uterus are quiet and ready for stimulation) is on the 23rd. Before then I have to have a  pre-op physical to check my heart and lungs. Which I did, but what a story. Apparently I have to pay for a physical out of pocket unless I got my primary care physician… which I don’t have… because my insurance plan said it’s not necessary. Well, I guess it’s more necessary than I thought. I’ll get one soon. But I had to pay $150 to have it done at the walk-in. That dr is an absolute trip. An old lady who judges you behind the closed door then walks in all smiles. I can only laugh. She had some words with the nurse about why I didn’t have a PCP then walked in and acted as if the walls weren’t made of rice paper. Oh well. At least I’m physically fit.

credit: Madagascar

credit: Madagascar

I also had to call my insurance pharmacy place to get my meds delivered. They’ll be arriving next Wednesday on the 22nd and if my suppression is good then I can start injecting myself. Maybe that’s when it’ll start to feel real.

So, I know I should have been preparing my body for this a while ago. Luckily I don’t smoke or drink coffee. And I try to limit carbs as much as I can. It’s easier than it sounds until pizza Friday rolls around :). But I did make a promise to myself to quit drinking. This has been the most difficult thing to do so far. Yes it’s only been 6 days and I hardly ever drink during the week anyway but just the thought of not being able to makes me sad. And just our luck we have at least one party every weekend for the rest of this month. But I’m hoping to go alcohol free until after the retrieval. I probably sound like I have a drinking problem. I don’t care! This is who I am. The only motivation is the thought that every beer I say ‘no’ to means 1 healthy eggy. Obviously, not at all fact based but it helps.

Come on next Wednesdayyy!! Why is this week draaaggiiiing!

Finally…

I’m just going to gloss over the fact that I haven’t blogged in over a month. I guess I had nothing of import to say. Until now… and even now I feel like it’s not really important but here goes.

CD1 has finally arrived phew… Okay lots has happened in between so I’ll do a quick blow by blow.

We had our second follow up where we signed all the consent forms and got the final tally on what this mess is going to cost. We’re very fortunate to have my insurance (hubby is starting his own business so we’re on my insurance for now) cover 80% of ivf with a 2 cycle lifetime limit. So in my mind we have 2 go’s which I’m okay with. The final cost came out to $1760 excluding the medication copay (covered at 100%) but including the biopsy for the PGD and the ICSI. That is not bad at all. I’ll pay that every day. The only other big cost now is paying for the PGD clinic to get the biopsied cells and to test them. That is also covered with a 20% coinsurance but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

The next step was to get a phone consultation with the PGD clinic in Chicago. I’ve just sorted this out now. The appointment is on the 28th which is cutting it a bit fine because I will be a few days away from retrieval at this point and we need to do a few things with them before it’s approved. *nerves*

A few days after we finalized everything my clinic called me to tell me that my insurance counts an egg retrieval and a fresh transfer as a cycle. A frozen transfer is counted as a separate cycle. This means that I will have used up my lifetime limit of 2 cycles in one PGD cycle… *queue many many tears*… During this time two of my bestest friends from home announced their pregnancies…

It took me a few days to recover from the shock but I discovered Wachusett Blueberry Ale in this time as well. She helped me a lot :). Thank you, WBA!

Anyway, so I called my insurance to say “What the hell dude, this is how you repay me after 2yrs of loyal service?” then the nice lady was like “Whoa bro, you qualify for eSET.”

eSET: Basically, if you transfer 1 embryo in your first cycle and it doesn’t take, they give you a 2nd frozen embryo transfer for freeeeee!! Obviously, you have to have frosties to use from the first cycle and you have to transfer 1 on the free cycle as well.

The choice is ultimately up to us and our RE but it’s nice to know we have options. And also nice to know that a frozen embryo transfer without insurance is about $2500 sans meds and that price isn’t as awful as a fresh cycle. So we’ll let positivity reign as always. If it doesn’t work, I’ll have my WBA.

So, now I’m here. Finally. Cramping and happy. Waiting to start taking birth control pills for the first time in about 4yrs. And now that I’m relatively in the game now I’ll see if I can blog at least once a week. I mean really. I paid the $18 to get the .wordpress out of my blog name. I gotta use it right? riiiight…

PS. Sending baby dust to each and every one of you out there who’s struggling with infertility. xxx

A Momentary Lapse of Composure

I’m annoyed right now. I think writing is cathartic and I’m hoping that the following run-on sentences will help me process my emotions. So we went to our follow up appointment today and I probably got the wrong impression because I thought I would get my plan of action today and actually I was hoping I would have something tangible to grab onto so that I know that this actually happening. I hate being in this pre-ivf limbo. It’s infuriating.

Please excuse the bad grammar, spelling, swear words… Here goes:

so…

I honestly in my heart of hearts thought we’d go there and sign all the paperwork and pay them the fucking 2grand we owe them and get this shit going.

we drove 1.5hrs and the GD doctor got there HALF AND HOUR late and then all he did was tell us the results of our tests WHICH WE KNEW!!!! so we walk in there and he’s like oh these are your test results. yes mofo, you call us with all the test results as they you get them. I know this shit. where do I sign?

so he’s like okay you have 2 choices, donor sperm or ivf with icsi and pgd. yes asshole we told you we don’t want to do donor sperm. we’re doing the latter. where do I sign?

no no.. we’re going to set up another appointment with me for an hour so we can go through the paperwork…

uh this paperwork… that’s in front of us now?
yes…
*blink* …
and you have to meet with our pgd nurse to discuss your pgd plan….
uhh the plan that we discussed with the genetics counsellor that you referred us to who sent you the plan that you have in front of you right now…???

yes that plan but it’s with OUR nurse….

*blink*

oh and we can’t seem to find a day when I’m in the office and the nurse is in the office. hahaha it may be a few weeks til we see each other again to discuss things that you already know and possibly not sign anything cos we like to make you spend money for office visits.

okay doc, sounds good. we’ll let ourselves out. eat a dick.

frustrated-meme-300x271
*breathe*
Okay… okay…
I’m more annoyed at myself for not questioning him more. I don’t know why I get angry about this stuff after the fact. He could see I was annoyed and said that I wouldn’t be able to start this month anyway because I have to wait for my period next month. so it’s a mixture of me having unrealistic expectations and my body only being ready once a month. fuck nature.
apologies for the quality of that gif. it's how I feel now lol

apologies for the quality of that gif. it’s how I feel now

*breathe again*
I need to regroup. This journey isn’t something you can plan it seems and if I’m this upset about the first not-even-real bump in the road then I have some big surprises in store. I actually have some other big things going on in my life right now. Two of which are 2 trips home to SA for 3 weddings. 1 at the end of November and then again next year July for another 2, one of which is my brother’s wedding which I canNOT miss. So I don’t really know why I was so hard up to start this month anyway, I would have to miss my brother’s wedding if I happened to get pregnant this year.
Okay, I’m okay now. That was just momentary lapse of composure… The fact of the matter is that aside from staying healthy and on top of things that are in my control, the rest is really up to the fertility gods. So whatever man. I’m not going to worry about it anymore… I’m going to try :).
In other news… I turned 33 on the 21st. I didn’t have a for real party because I think those days are over. But I play kickball in a co-ed league with some friends from work and afterwards we usually go for a drink which is really one of the best parts of the week for me. We just happened to play on my birthday so I just made everyone come out drinking with me afterwards and I made hubby and some other friends go too. I had the best time. The parts I remember anyway. For some reason my birthday makes me emotional when I see all the love I receive on the day. I love love love my birthday and this one was up there with the best. I feel like after 4 years of being in a foreign country I’ve solidified a fantastic group of friends whom I treasure and wouldn’t change for the world and the fact that they all came out to celebrate with me confirms that the friendship isn’t one sided (lol) and that really is the best part of every birthday. Knowing that I am loved and I have people I can call my friends… Yes, yes, my insecurity is showing :). Here’s a tiny collage from the night. The watermelon was a gift. One of the players is a farmhand. I love it.
[edit: picture removed for anonymity]
Thanks for letting me vent. Happy Wednesday and baby dust to all my ttc sisters! You’re all at varying points in your journey and I’m following you all closely and sending out positive vibes and well wishes and I’ll pray if you need me to pray.