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Category Archives: TTC drama
Makin’ babies…
Well That Didn’t Last Long
We’re back where we were 2 cycles ago.
14 eggs were mature (what I expected) and 9 fertilized normally. And then today I got the call that 5 were still growing on day 3.
We’re still not out by any means but I was am crushed.
I hate this. One minuter you’re on cloud 9, the next you’re standing in the greeting card aisle in Walgreens choking back tears wondering if you’ll ever receive one of these baby cards.
There’s, of course, always hope but fuuuuck this suuuucks!!
Next update on Wednesday or Thursday.
IVF Season 4: Finale
I didn’t want to write this until we got the fertilization report. To be honest I actually wanted to disappear until this is all over. It still feels a bit too good to be true.
The day went pretty well. Both of us were in great spirits, even at 5:30am. We got there with time to spare and went through the same spiel and everything was blissfully boring. There was a new doctor doing the retrieval. The Dr L. I’d seen pictures of around the office. I told N that she was Forbes 40 under 40 a few years ago and that she is one of the doctors I was thinking of going to for a second opinion because she takes appointments closer to us. So I was glad to have met her in person and even more glad that she was so warm and friendly when she came to introduce herself to us. We also got a nice surprise visit from our nurse too. I’m so embarrassed, I didn’t recognise her at first. I met her twice since we started this journey and our exchanges have been strictly telephonic since then. But she’s been like my ivf mom and I am beyond grateful that she popped in to say hi and wish us luck.
The retrieval itself was as it always is. Over really quickly. The pain, however, was unbearable when I woke up and I was promptly given some Fentanyl. As I lay with my eyes closed, wincing, I overheard one of the nurses say “It’s probably because they got a lot of eggs” and I smiled to myself.
N came back once the nurses had stopped fussing over me and we shared some nervous glances while we quietly shared a bag of graham crackers and ginger ale.
It wasn’t long when Dr. L came in and told me, with a big smile on her face, that she’d retrieved 21 eggs. I’m tearing up as I’m writing this, still in a little disbelief. I don’t remember what I said to her but it was there were a lot of “OMG’s” and “Wow’s”.
The pain was gone almost instantly after getting the news. The graham crackers tasted sweeter, the ginger ale crisper. For the first time in a long time I felt hope. Sweet, sweet hope.
Back home, N had to go back to work and I spent the rest of the day resting and sharing the good news with friends and family. Unfortunately, as the day has wore on I’ve been battling with the fear of how high I am right now and how far of a fall it will be if bad news comes.
I’m working very hard on not letting the fear creep in. I know how lucky I am to have 21 eggs. I am trying to enjoy it. It’s amazing. My body did something really amazing today. I really need to give myself a break.
Today really was a good day.
IVF Season 4: Episode 12-13
Date: 8.1 – 8.3
Starring: 10 units microdose lupron twice a day, 0.5mg tablet dexamethasone, 200iu Gonal-F twice a day, 5000iu HCG Trigger.
Produced by: 14 follicles (12 on left, 2 on right): Left – 20, 18, 16, 15.5 x2, 15 x5 ,13.5 ,12.5 and a few <11; Right – 14, 13 and a few <11. Estrogen at 3912 on day 13 and 4552 on day 14 (Yikes!).
Directed by: Oh so much nausea and crazy period cramps.
Synopsis: So things have been rough since I last updated. Rough but good, if that’s even possible. It all started when I woke up rudely yesterday morning at 5:45am! I missed my alarm!! My appointment was at 6:30 an hour’s drive away! I was in stupor trying to gather my thoughts and scramble to get dressed and come to terms with being late for everything. I had to lay my head down for a second because I extremely frazzled and just had to wrap my mind around having overslept. I looked at my phone again and blinked a few times and then realized that I was looking at the South African time, 6 hours ahead. The mixture of anger and relief I felt messed me up for the rest of the day. I even gave myself some serious heartburn and couldn’t fall back to sleep for at least an hour. (Side note: This is not the first time that this has happened btw. I should probably change that clock)
Thankfully, I made the appointment with time to spare. I got the funny chatty super quick tech. She went really quickly, as usual, and I couldn’t keep up with her measurements. She lost me at 8 on the left so I really thought that I’d lost follicles so I was pretty down all day. I’m still in shock that she managed to measure those 12 on the left at that lightning speed. She’s the best.
I got the call in the evening that I was to not do any Gonal-F and just the 10units of microdose lupron that night. Then this morning I had to take the 10 units of microdose lupron, 200iu of Gonal-F and 1 Dexamethasone tablet before my blood draw. My estrogen was at 3912 which is the highest it’s ever been. The dizziness and nausea are still ever present and I’ve also been having bad period cramps but according to Instagram it’s all normal.
Aside from being very sick my spirits have been better since my last post. Not even bleeding all over myself after this morning’s blood draw could get me down (I guess she missed the mark with the gauze). That was a lot of blood.
So today I was prescribed another tablet, Cabergoline. This is supposed to help prevent OHSS. I’m supposed to take it tonight at bed time. My estrogen today is at 4552 so I have to take all the necessary precautions. I also bought all the electrolyte drinks and protein bars and shakes.
We did the trigger shot at 7pm and retrieval is set for 8am on Friday. Whenever I’m at the end of a cycle I think that it’s really flown by but I know that just a day or 2 ago I was crying for it to be over.
I’m not going to lie, I’m nervous as hell. I want a good number of eggs but I want to be realistic too. I keep repeating “quality over quantity” to myself just to center myself and be realistic.
It’s been a good cycle, I think, but the best part was having N do the trigger shot and the moment we shared at the end of it. I love him so much. I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else.
Please don’t fuck me over
Charts and Things
I finally got the time to put all the data from all my cycles into one good looking Excel spreadsheet and draw up a few charts that I thought I’d share with you. Now I just need to find time to figure out how to do a “TTC Timeline” tab on my blog then all the pieces of my life will fall into place :).
Here is some background info on my 4 cycles:
Cycle 1
Protocol: Antagonist
Medication: Menopur 75iu, Gonal-F 150iu, Ganirelix (doses adjusted accordingly)
Trigger: HCG
Cycle Length (stims to retrieval): 13 days
Stim start date: 26-Oct-14
Retrieval Date: 7-Nov-14
Follicle Count at Retrieval: 19
Eggs Retrieved: 14
Eggs Mature: 13
Eggs Fertilized: 7
Day 1 count: 7
Day 2 count: 5
Day 3 count: 3
Day 5 count (biopsied): 2
PGS Normal: 1
Embryo Grade: 2bb
Cycle 2
Protocol: Antagonist
Medication: Menopur 150iu, Gonal-F 300iu, Ganirelix (doses adjusted accordingly)
Trigger: HCG
Cycle Length (stims to retrieval): 12 days
Stim start date: 30-Nov-15
Retrieval Date: 11-Dec-15
Follicle Count at Retrieval: 10
Eggs Retrieved: 12
Eggs Mature: 7
Eggs Fertilized: 7
Day 1 count: 7
Day 2 count: 5
Day 3 count: 5
Day 5 count: 4
Day 6 count (biopsied): 3
PGS Normal: 1
Embryo Grade: 2bb
Cycle 3
Protocol: Antagonist
Medication: Menopur 75iu, Gonal-F 300iu, Ganirelix (doses adjusted accordingly)
Trigger: Lupron
Cycle Length (stims to retrieval): 14
Stim start date: 16-Apr-16
Retrieval Date: 29-Apr-16
Follicle Count at Retrieval: 11
Eggs Retrieved: 11
Eggs Mature: 8
Eggs Fertilized: 7
Day 1 count: 5
Day 2 count: 4
Day 3 count: 3
Day 5 count (biopsied): 1
PGS Normal: Zero 😦
Embryo Grade:
Cycle 4
Protocol: Microdose Lupron Flare
Medication: 10 units Microdose Lupron twice a day, Gonal-F 225iu twice a day, 0.5mg Dexamethasone
Trigger: HCG
Cycle Length (stims to retrieval):
Stim start date: 21-Jul-16
Retrieval Date:
Follicle Count at Retrieval:
Eggs Retrieved:
Eggs Mature:
Eggs Fertilized:
Day 1 count:
Day 2 count:
Day 3 count:
Day 5/6 count (biopsied):
PGS Normal:
Embryo Grade:
Here are my estrogen levels on every monitoring day:
And here are my total follicle counts on every monitoring day:
If you look at these charts you would say that so far cycle 4 is looking like a winner right? But what I’ve found a little dismaying is the day in the cycle that monitoring took place. In our current cycle, my first monitoring appointment was on day 8 which was around the third monitoring appointment for the 3 previous cycles. If you go by this information then the data shows that cycle 4 isn’t showing vastly better results as of yet. See below.
We still have a few more days to go to get some more accurate data. I just thought I would share what’s been going on in my crazy mind these past few days and of course I’ll update this as more data becomes available.
If anything, I’m glad to have this all in one spot instead of having to read through all my blogs every time I want to remember a bit of information.
Cheers to Excel!
IVF Season 4: Episode 9-11
Date: 7.29 – 7.31
Starring: 10 units microdose lupron twice a day, 0.5mg tablet dexamethasone, 225iu Gonal-F twice a day
Produced by: 12 follicles (10 on L, 2 on R) ranging from 11 – 15 mm. Estrogen at 2100 on day 11.
Directed by: Oh so much nausea.
Synopsis: I can’t tell if these counts are good or not. My retrieval is supposedly set for Thursday which means only 2 more days of stimming and I don’t think that’s enough time to get more follicles to grow. And he wants me to drop the Gonal-F to 200 now as well. Don’t know if that’s good or not. I’ve definitely hit the mid-cycle bump. Not feeling very confident right now as I’m writing this. It’s because I’m comparing cycles (comparison truly is the thief of joy).
I go back on Tuesday. There’s really nothing else I can do except wait and chat to my eggs. Especially my right ovary. She’s making it so hard. *sigh*
At least birthday month starts tomorrow! I have plans for almost every weekend which is fantastic and I have 2 vaca days that I have to use before the end of the month. Groupon Getaways here I come! Just have to get through this week.
I’ll leave you with a pic of my left ovary. I think it’s cute that it looks like a fist. I can’t almost hear is shouting “follicle power!”. I’m proud of you lefty, thanks for carrying the team.
Best enjoyed with: Bacon, egg, avocado and a mushroom for breakfast and we’ll be having salmon and
Outtakes:
PSA
IVF Season 4: Episode 5-8
Date: 7.25 – 7.28
Starring: 10 units microdose lupron twice a day, 0.5mg tablet dexamethasone, 225iu Gonal-F twice a day
Produced by: 5 follicles (3 on L, 2 on R) ranging from 8 – 11 mm. Lots f smaller ones on the left. Estrodiol at 718 on day 8.
Directed by: Oh so much nausea.
Synopsis: I realize I haven’t been very informative with this cycle. I’ve been trying to search for Microdose Lupron Blogs but haven’t found many so I’ll try to leave a bit more information from now on to help anyone else who needs it.
So just to give a little context. Here’s a recap of my dosages for the past 8 days.
Day 1 – 3: I woke up at the ass crack of dawn to take my first 10 unit shot of the microdose lupron at 6:20ish am. I also took a 0.5mg tablet of the dexamethasone in the morning. My nurse said that it can cause insomnia (joy) so best to take in the morning. Then in the evening at 6:20ish pm I did another 10 unit shot of the microdose lupron. These first four days were extremely boring. I felt no symptoms and life continued as normal.
Day 4-8: I kept the same doses and times with the lupron and dexamethasone but I added 225iu of Gonal-F. After the evening shot the nausea was instant and hasn’t dissipated yet. I’ve been trying to stay hydrated and fed to help with the nausea but it’s pretty bad. and Staying fed is a mission all on it’s own because of the braces (I’ll do another post about adult braces). I’m also doing shots myself because N is asleep when I do the morning shot and he’s at work when I do the evening shot. Summer time is his busy time at work so I’m used to not really seeing him for most of the day but I still miss him terribly.
So here we are on day 8 and my first monitoring appointment. On other cycles I did the first appointment on day 5. Now if you take the start of Gonal-F as day 1 then technically this is day 5 as well. I am a little bummed (as I always am) that things aren’t what I expected but I think my expectations were unrealistic. Yes I was already expecting 20+ follicles at at least 14mm+ *rolls eyes at self*
Trying to stay focused and not lose energy. It’s hard. But I have a good support system. It’s going to be a good cycle!!
Best enjoyed with: I’ve been eating mostly soft veggies and hard boiled eggs because of my teeth. Eating has really been a miserable affair. But I am armed with a new meal plan and tomorrow is grocery shopping day. I’m excited to try some .. soft meat. ugh.
Outtakes:
This made me smile
IVF Season 4: Episode 1-4
Date: 7.21 – 7.24
Starring: 10 units microdose lupron twice a day, 0.5mg tablet dexamethasone, 225iu Gonal-F twice a day (started yesterday)
Synopsis: So far so good. It’s been an uneventful first 4 days. No side effects to speak of. No bloat. It will be a whole week before my first monitoring appointment so I’m really flying blind. But I’m enjoying the blissful ignorance.
We added Gonal-F to the mix yesterday. I’m doing the morning shots myself and it’s almost a non-issue. There’s always that moment of panic before the needle goes in but it’s getting a whole lot easier.
Again, this cycle, like the last one is quite uneventful. Maybe on Thursday I’ll have something exciting to report. The only thing that’s bugging me is that after I stopped the pill I got a full period. Usually it’s just a day or 2 of bleeding but It’s still going right now and I’m annoyed. Other than that all’s well in stim land.
Happy Monday everyone!
Outakes:
This made me LOL.
IVF Season 4: Prologue
So here we go again. My parents left yesterday. Thankfully I have a busy cycle ahead of me to keep me busy. The house is really quiet. I can’t stand it. I have to write down what’s going to happen this cycle before I forget and mess it all up.
July 11 – 18: Took 1 active birth control pill daily
July 19: Supression check. All clear. Estradiol < 5. Progesterone = 0.251.
July 19: Meds arrived – 1 Vial Microdose Lupron, to be refridgerated. 3 x 900iu Gonal-F pens, to be refridgerated, 20 dexamethasone tablets, 1 vial of HCG trigger, syringes, sharps container, alcohol pads.
July 20: Spend the day Googling Micro-dose Lupron protocol. Get excited about prospects. Get anxiety attacks about possible outcomes. Slowly start to fall apart. Try like hell to pull self together. Breathe.
July 21 – 23: Begin Stimulation – 10 units Microdose lupron AM and PM, 2.5mg tablet dexamethasone
July 24 – 28: 10 units Microdose lupron AM and PM, 2.5mg tablet dexamethasone, 225iu Gonal-F AM and PM.
July 28: First monitoring appointment, await further instructions.
August 4: Tentative egg retrieval!!
So, from what I’ve been Googling, it sounds like this protocol is given to women with diminished ovarian reserve or who don’t respond well to stims and while I’m seeing better results, I’m not seeing huge yields of eggs. But again women are going from 2-3 eggs to 5-7, which is slightly better. My RE said he wants a lot of eggs from me and I’m averaging 12 eggs per cycle and, honestly, if I get 15 I’ll be happy.
My biggest concern is quality. I read that dexamethasone can help with quality so that is making me feel better but I’m doing what I can for the most part. I am currently suffering through separators between my teeth in preparation for the braces on Friday. They are torture and I can only eat soft food. The other night I had custard and a protein shake for dinner and tonight I had egg salad and jello. So my diet isn’t the best but I’m not drinking so I’ll take that as a win.
I was also having trouble deciding what time to take shots. They said to space it out 12hrs. I decided on 6am and pm because I have to take the morning shot before monitoring appointments which I do at 6:30. It’s good because then I don’t have to take shots in the bathroom at work but bad because if we ever go out I’ll be taking shots in public places again. It’s just 2 weekends of shots, I can do this.
I’m excited to start tomorrow. But I’m more excited to get these damned separators out of my mouth.
Ready, set, go!
Drama in IVF land
I wonder if any of you have come across this in your journey. I’m in an IVF group on FB and in an ideal world, everyone in these groups is supposed to get pregnant and have babies and then the IVF group will transition to a Mom group. Everyone is happy and life is grand and we’re all super close and we all plan a great big meet up with our precious miracles and we’re all BFF’s. Right?
Wrong! Our group is in that awkward phase now. Majority of us are pregnant or have babies and majority of the posts are pregnancy/baby related. So like any infertile, the minority of us have stopped posting. For me personally it’s a mixture of not wanting to ruin the happy vibe, not feeling connected to that many people anymore, and feeling overwhelmed with all the baby stuff. And I know the majority in the group are struggling with extreme happiness and extreme survivors guilt, so I want them to have their happiness and I’ll rather keep quiet so as not to trigger their guilt. I don’t think that’s the right way to handle it, though.
So we’re in this weird “elephant in the room” phase. This phase in any group like this is a precarious balancing act and today it all came tumbling down.
My bestie in the group (the one who I mentioned before got pregnant after 7 rounds) happened to mention to everyone who is pregnant or has babies to be mindful of everyone still in the struggle, when they post baby stuff because the ones still struggling might be a bit overwhelmed.
Man… Things were said and feelings were hurt and at least one of ladies quickly quit the group. I won’t go into details but I don’t think anyone was wrong. Everyone is entitled to their feelings but I wonder if an IVF group that gets bigger and bigger is doomed to fail. Not everyone has the same values but everyone’s intentions are good. Our IVF group started off very small. Maybe around 10 of us. In fact, of that initial group, I think I’m one of 2 who’s not pregnant. I’m definitely closer to some of these ladies but we’re now up to 35 women in just one year and I don’t know any of them and there are now about 5 of us who aren’t pregnant. Our voices are very much drowned out. And honestly, the “discussion” wasn’t pregnant vs not pregnant. It was originals vs newcomers. And only 3 non-preggo’s weighed in. As a group, we might have some underlying issues. haha.
I think everyone is placated now. We don’t have any hard and fast rules in our group as far as saving anyone from being hurt or feeling left out but I’m sure after this we’ll put some in place.
Anyway, this was just a quick story about FB IVF groups and generally having too many people with different stories in one room, so to speak. In instagram and blogging it’s a little different. You can follow and unfollow anyone who doesn’t appeal to your needs. In an IVF group it’s not as easy to do the same. Of course, I could just leave the group since I’m not that active anyway and I talk to the ones I am close to, outside of the group. And who has time for drama, right?
Tales of a 30 Year Old Nothing 