Tag Archives: FET

In the Trenches

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So I’m feeling guilty after my last post about me keeping my FET to myself. Like people would be rolling their eyes while reading thinking “this girls thinks too much of herself, who needs her.”

Why did I feel the need to unburden myself or announce that I’m unfollowing people who have been supporting me through my journey. Why did I feel the need to make my problems your problems?

This certainly wasn’t my intention and I’m sure it wasn’t perceived that way at all. But as you can see, I tend to be self deprecating (my blog title says it all, really) and feel like I’m not good enough for people to care about. I guess now that I’m in the trenches I find myself hyper sensitive. I worry that this won’t work and we’ll be childless forever and I’m struggling to take it one day at a time.

Fuck you infertility. I’m furious that you’ve turned me into this person.

I just want to apologize again if I offended anyone and, honestly, I really can’t stay away, I have been reading all the ‘unfollowed’ blogs anyway just to make sure you’re all doing well. It just helps me not feel that pit in my stomach when I get the email alert. If I go find a blog to read on my own I feel like I have more control. All I want is control :).

So the lovely Eventual Momma suggested that I put my blogs on a delay so that way I can keep posting and keep my sanity so I don’t jinx this FET.

We’re on day 4 of Estradiol (generic Estrace) and we have a transfer date set which is crazy to me. Two more weekends. Wow. I’m taking 1 mg twice a day, 81 mg of low dose aspirin, a prenatal and 4 fish oil pills. Taking the fish oil because my skin is ridiculously dry this winter and it’s really helped in the past.

I’m not feeling any different but after acupuncture I noticed a bruise on my knee where one of the needles went it. I assume this if from the aspirin. I bruise like a peach anyway so I’m not too phased about it. I’m also badly bruised from my first blood draw but again, this is nothing new to me.

There’s nothing of import to report, though. Tomorrow is blood draw number 2. My clinic’s satellite office recently moved to another place in Providence and my usual ultrasound tech and blood draw person aren’t there anymore. I’m not happy about that. I didn’t know their names but I really liked them. The new blood draw person was sweet and the needle didn’t hurt at all going in but I can’t get a read on the new ultrasound tech. She asked me if I wanted to put the wand in myself. Um no thank you, I’m not going to do that in front of a stranger. This process is awkward enough. She seems nice enough, I guess, but I miss my buddy. Last year I had an ultrasound on Halloween and she was dressed as a sperm. I mean, come on! How do you not love her?!

Anyway, that’s enough from me. Thank you everyone for the support and understanding. I am forever grateful and I wish I had all your addresses so I could send you something.

Imagine a Protective Bubble, If You Will…

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So I think before I mentioned that I’m really superstitious. But I tend to invent my own superstitions based on my past.

Firstly, I don’t write my husband’s name or me new last name when I’m doodling. The reason is that in the past as soon as I’ve lovingly doodled the name of whomever I’m dating, the relationship came to an end very shortly afterwards. Within days… it’s clearly linked to me writing their name on a piece of paper. I haven’t written my husband’s name once and look how far we’ve come… Just sayin’…

I also don’t save my husband’s name under a pet name on my phone. Again, any written confirmation of a relationship spells doom. I always did this in the past and noticed that my brother didn’t do it with his wife and their relationship is perfect. The only reason they’ve been together for over 10 years is because of this fact :).

And lastly and I’m not even sure if this qualifies as a superstition… I don’t tell anyone about when big tests come up where I have the potential to fail. I’m sure this isn’t that weird though but it’s rung true for me for a long time. So much so that my friends have adopted this one when I tell them to. I passed my drivers license test on the first try after not telling anyone except Mum because she paid and after my friend failed her driver’s test 5 times I told her to tell no one the 6th time  and she got it after that. 3 of my friends since then have passed their driver’s test on this theory so I believe in this one wholeheartedly.

I’ve also applied this to job interviews. I was unemployed for a year and a half when I got here and after countless failures when I came to this final interview I told no one except my husband and I was a shoe in.

And again, before that with regards to getting my green card. I told no one about my interview to get the 2 year green card which went off without a hitch. But then when I applied for my 10 year green card I told everyone and we got an RFE. That’s when they send you a letter to insinuate  that they think you’re lying about something on your application and they need more evidence to prove you’re not. I eventually got the green card after this but I was upset that I hadn’t stuck to my guns.

Of course, there’s not scientific evidence to prove any correlation but I think, practically, it has to do with the fact that the less people who know the less pressure you’re under. Whatever the reason, it seems to have worked in my life thus far.

I’m sure you know where this is going… We’ve decided to keep the FET process between just the 2 of us. Partly because of my superstition and partly because I’ve been very open about everything thus far with my friends and family and N and I haven’t really had much privacy throughout and while I’m okay with it, I think he would appreciate it.

I’ve also been going through a dark time as well, hence no real blogging and I hate to say this but I’ve had to unfollow some of my favourite blogs. Not unfollow, unfollow, but I’ve set it so that I don’t get instant emails anymore. Just until I can get a handle on my emotions. I’m feeling impatient and irritable and I need to go into protection mode for a while I think. I am also feeling not so confident about this FET and it’s exacerbating everything. My acupuncturist keeps repeating that I have to be as stress free and calm throughout this process as possible so I’m trying to follow that as best as I can.

Of course that means I won’t be blogging about the FET when it happens. I’ve said some things on my instagram account but I’m going to take an instagram break as well… if I can.

I think what I’m going to do is blog as we go along because I want to record it but I’ll start posting the blogs after we have the result.

Please know that I’m very happy for all the BFP’s but it’s hitting me a lot harder than I thought it would and it’s becoming a bit overwhelming. I’ll catch up on all the stories when I feel stronger.

Wishing everyone continued success. I hope we’ll be joining you soon. I love you guys and I know you get it :).

Money, Money, Money!

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Happy Sunday Everyone!

This past week wasn’t a goodie. I was losing sleep calculating how much we’d need for this FET since we’ll be paying out of pocket and every time I was coming up short for when my period is expected to come and I was quickly realizing that I may have to postpone to March and we all know how devastating it is to have to postpone anything IVF land.

I was also making assumptions since I couldn’t fully calculate the cost of the meds because Estrace isn’t on Freedom Fertility’s website, so I was rounding up to $1000 for meds if the clinic only ordered everything from the start of my period to the testing date (about 28 days). I was also fast realizing that I would have to call both Freedom Fertility and my clinic to confirm so I could get some sleep. The 2 imminent phone calls were also causing a bit of anxiety because I was afraid of getting news that It would cost most than $1000. Anything more than $1000 for those 28 days would leave us more broke than I’d like to be in between paychecks. Since hubby started his own business all of that money is going to paying bills and keeping the business afloat so this baby is coming out of our “food,fun,clothes” budget. I’m okay with foregoing fun and clothes but I see a good amount of ramen noodles in our future. Goodbye pizza Friday.

So upon calling Freedom Fertility I was told that Estrace is $4.95… PER PILL!!! I could get 20 mcnuggets for that. Anyway, I don’t know why I was surprised. It’s still way cheaper compared to all the other single dose injections. Buuuut, they also had a generic that was 52 cents per pill! I just had to get my doctor to approve it. Queue cautiously happy dance. This made my Thursday. I couldn’t wait to call my clinic.

JonStewart_HappyBunny-gifThe call to the clinic on Friday could not have gone better. They said the generic was perfectly fine, she’d make sure to call Freedom to let them know and since I’m self-pay this round, they’d make sure that they ordered meds on an “as-needed” basis. Queue seriously happy dance. I’m still smiling as I write this. It’s the little things :).

tumblr_ljyz7yoJNw1qczqmmSo now, I’m not stressed at all about this upcoming cycle. Okay that’s not true. I have one more niggle and maybe someone can share an experience before I make the call to the clinic on Monday. My next worry is what happens to the money I paid if my cycle gets cancelled? Do I forfeit the 2 and half grand I paid them? Have any of you had a cancelled cycle due to a cyst or something? I’m prone to cysts. I had a big op in 2010 to remove 3 bigguns and I’m in constant fear of them coming back. I’m convinced I have one now. Every little cramp feels cystish to me. I’m not so much worried about postponing as I am about losing the money. Ugh, now I’m stressed again.

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