If you follow me on Instagram you’ll know my shitty track record with these monthly challenges. But I need something to help me through the upcoming two week wait (if I’m so lucky. I keep forgetting that my embryo still has to survive the thaw).
If you’re not familiar with this challenge and would like to play, check out the website to find all the badges and the rules.
The basic jist is that you do a post everyday except Sunday during the month of April. Each day’s post title will start with a letter of the alphabet and by the end of the month you’ll have finished the whole alphabet. Here’s the calendar for this year.
I hope I can finish this one. I already know what I want to write about on Saturday but it doesn’t start with A lol.
I’m a little excited about it. I’m going try to blog about some things other than infertility as well.
This month marks the 4th year of us trying to become parents. This number still shocks me because it seems long. We’ve only been in the IVF game for 2.5 years so perhaps that’s why but 4 years ago I stopped birth control. and maybe 6 months after that I started lifting my legs in the air after sex. 1 month after that I started temping and tracking in earnest. 3 months later I found an at home semen test for N to take. It didn’t go well. We assumed a faulty test but for shits and giggles I had him do a serious test at a clinic I found online. We got those dismal results back and filed the letter away. Then I made an appointment with my OB to test myself. He said I wasn’t ovulating. That, coupled with my husband’s results did not bode well. He said that he could do IUI’s at his office and we could come in for a consult or we could go to an IVF clinic. (Side note: this OB was wrong about me not ovulating and I’ve since found a new one.)
We were reeling a bit and didn’t want to face reality so we stopped everything for a while to breathe and do some research. Eventually I fished out the letter from the clinic and read the diagnosis again. What is oligoasthenoteratozoospermia? What is IVF? What is ICSI? What does all of this mean?
I called the number on the letter and made an appointment and the rest, of course, is history.
We went from kinda trying, to trying a little bit, to fucking IVF with ICSI and PGD testing in the blink of an eye so the fact we’ve technically been in this game for this long is something that will always shock me.
But the point of today’s post is a status update I shared on FB in the middle of March around the time I stopped birth control. An innocent post filled with hope, that when I re-read it filled me with a little bit of sadness and longing for that hopeful innocence from four years ago. I’ve shared it below and you may have read it before and if not, I hope that it doesn’t make you sad like it does me. I hope it makes you hopeful.
I think what makes me sad is what I said about it. I’m still waiting for onnne day.
It’s not my favourite thing in the world. But it does happen and we do have to roll with it.
Not sure if I’ve mentioned before that my clinic is merging with another one. I had heard that the other clinic was going to close and move into our clinic. Even that change made me uncomfortable. Like when you hear you’ll be getting new roommates that you didn’t sign up for.
This morning I found out, unceremoniously, that my clinic is the one closing and moving. No psychiatrists on hand to help with the transition. No hugs. Just a lousy piece of paper from the nurse before she stabs my arm. A perfect metaphor, if you ask me.
Granted it’s only one exit further and (from a very extensive Google maps stalk) the building looks bigger, but still. No hand holding. No group sessions.
They’ll be doing appointments, blood work, ultrasounds and IUI’s at the new location and all transfers and retrievals will be done at the clinic that we merged with. That means that my little embryo is going on its first road trip without me. Again, this location is about 2 exits closer so it’s really not a big deal and from what I’ve read, they move embryos and samples between the two locations all the time so our “precious cargo will be in good hands”.
I had my last blood draw at my clinic this morning and I was gobsmacked I didn’t get a chance to come to terms with it and I have to go back on Saturday to the new clinic. I’m not mad, I just feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I need preparation and coddling for these things. Maybe some signs on the walls to give us fair warning. Maybe a referendum so we have some choice in the matter. But nope… just a piece of paper and a fcuk you.
Anyway, I’d like to thank you all for stopping by and reading this week’s dramatic performance by yours truly. I’m fine now. I just needed to whine a bit.
The hysteroscopy was all clear. I won’t bore you with the painful details but it was a fun morning actually. My friend, B, drove me there. The Valium made me whoozy and didn’t really take the pain away but, for future reference for myself, the whole thing lasted, litereally,10 seconds. I counted. So I felt very sheepish for yelling and begging him to stop. Our RE did the procedure so I was able to touch base with him again and go over the cycle which was nice.
I also met with my nurse and mentioned to her that my butt was itchy from the progesterone shots and I had welts and was still not 100% a few weeks after the fact. She said that that’s absolutely not normal and that she would put in another order for progesterone in ethyl oleate instead. I’d already ordered 3 new sesame oils so that was a waste. And Insurance doesn’t cover the ethyl oleate one so that was even more fun. It was only $50 a pop so not the end of the world. I have the vials now and the liquid is nice and thin and the needles are thinner so I’m happy with the change. I just hope I don’t get a reaction to this.
My baseline scan was on Friday. Everything is hunky dory and I started phase 2 (estrace and asprin) on Friday after work. I checked my calendar and my transfer date looks to be April 5th. I’ll confirm on Tuesday when I go in for my next blood work appointment.
It’s been an awesome weekend (despite the period from hell) and I’m very excited about this cycle. I can’t believe it’s going so quickly. On Friday we went to see The Lion King finally. It’s been on my bucket list for years and I shed a mini tear during the opening song.
Then yesterday B took me to a butcher. It might not sound exciting but I was telling her how I miss some obscure food from home that I can’t seem to find at the super markets (leg of lamb, oxtail, tongue, tripe and trotters) so she took me to the Portuguese market and I found everything besides the leg of lamb. I found a boneless leg of lamb at another market. I was so happy. So so happy. We then kept driving around the hood and went to a bakery to get some meat pies and cannolis. Then we went to the mall and we each ended up buying a pair of diamond earrings at a Sears closing down sale. They were 95% off so a decent bargain but we probably still over paid. We consoled ourselves by saying that our husbands each bought the Nintendo Switch so we deserved this. Such a fun day.
I should wrap this up since I have the leg of lamb and some other stuff going in the oven. So today I’m excited about the cycle. I should probably start prepping my body and stuff. Eeek!!
I’ve been nominated by Marixsa from The Endo Zone for the One Lovely Blog Award! You should definitely check out her site if you haven’t already. She’s been through quite a journey and speaks very candidly and honestly and I love it. An especially great read if you suffer from endometriosis. Thank you for the nomination my friend, I’m so sorry for doing this so late.
Here are the Rules:
Thank the person that nominated you and leave a link to their blog
Post about the award
Share seven facts about yourself
Nominate other people (15 at most)
Tell your nominees the good news!
Okay, 7 things about me… Oh dear:
I really love MS Excel. The more I use it the more I love it. And I should be ashamed of this but I work with older colleagues who aren’t as efficient with it as I am and whenever I send them reports with simple Excel tricks they always call me on the phone to praise me and I love it. {embarrassed face}
My newest obsession is Twitter. I mostly follow SA and US news and politics stuff and some funny ones to keep my sanity. I get stuck in Twitter wormholes for hours and some of the crap on there is frightening but I can’t seem to stop. Frightening.
I have a confession. I’ve been trying to get back into reading. I was such and avid reader growing up but I’m struggling. Nothing seems to grab me lately. I’m trying “When breath becomes air” and it is draaaagging. Ughhhh. I hope it gets better because I’m almost half way.
My favourite thing in the world to do is to make people laugh. That’s all.
Since my father-in-law passed, we’ve been to 3 mediums and I really enjoy the experience every time. Even if we don’t get a reading I enjoy watching other people find a bit of peace. I don’t know yet if I believe it but if they can communicate with the dead, that’s crazy and if they can’t it’s even crazier how they know stuff.
My husband and I watch entirely too many TV shows. Toooo many.
On good days something will annoy me and I’ll say something to myself like, wow I’m really lucky that the biggest problem in my life is that my hair dryer doesn’t work properly anymore. And then I say, oh wait, we can’t have kids naturally, and then I’ll laugh at myself as I throw my hairdryer in the freezer… Those are good days.
Okay, I’m going to nominate a few blogs that I’ve recently started following. Have fun ladies, if you decide to join in.
Someone I follow on Instagram is at the same clinic as me and with my RE and she cycled about a week before me. She also did her ERA a week before me. Her results came in last week and they were inconclusive. So of course I was worried that mine would be as well. When the NP did the 2 biopsies she said that the 2nd one was way better than the first. She’d gotten a better sample. So I started wondering if she’d sent the better sample for the ERA and if not, did they have enough to test? Would I have to do it again if it was inconclusive? etc. etc. You know how one’s mind can get away with itself.
Thankfully, we did get a result. Unfortunately, the doctor didn’t use the words pre or post-receptive so I’m hoping I don’t get this wrong. He said that my lining would be receptive with 12 more hours of progesterone support. So my understanding is that I’m pre-receptive. How they know this down to the hour is fascinating to me.
The doctor said that this is very good news and the reason the last 2 transfers didn’t work is probably because we were transferring too early. When I told one of my friends he jokingly (at least I think he was joking) said that I should sue my previous doctor for negligence haha.
As for the other biopsy they did. Those results came back negative for infection as well, so that’s good.
All that’s left is the dreaded SHG next Wednesday. I have requested Valium and should get that before the appointment. I stand to be corrected but I think Valium is just for the anxiety though so my guess is I’ll still feel a lot of pain, I just won’t care. I still don’t want to do this horrid test, though.
Okay, back to work I go. Happy Ash Wednesday to those of you who observe!
Last night I started BCP’s for this FET cycle. I’m a little shocked that it’s already go time. Granted this is going to be a very long cycle it feels like it’s happening quickly again.
My feelings are the same. Waxing and waning. Excited and Ugh what’s the point. Today I woke up with a beautiful sore throat that has me in quite a mood. The one year I get the flu shot I get sick twice. I know the flu shot only attempts to prevent the flu but I’m just annoyed that I was proactive in my not wanting to get sick this year and now look at me.
So today is an Ugh day. Truthfully I’m still skeptical. I was talking to my friend about it and even with my RE giving us all these good odds I still find myself self saying let’s see doc. Let’s just see.
This post doesn’t really have a point. Just wanted to mark the beginning of my 3rd transfer cycle.
Third transfer of yet another PGD tested normal embryo.
Been dying to use that blog title for the longest time 🙂
And thus ends my ERA cycle. I am battered and bruised and so happy that it’s over. 7 weeks total. Here’s the breakdown if you’re interested.
December 25th: Period Starts. Pregnancy test negative duh.
December 27th: Start birth control pills for 3 weeks.
January 4th: Follow-up appointment with RE.
January 10th: Start daily Lupron sub-Q injections.
January 16th: Stop birth control. This is the longest month in human history.
January 19th: Baseline appointment. All systems go!
January 21st: First day of my period. 100 more days of January left.
January 23rd: Start daily 1mg estrogen pills and 1mg aspirin. Increase to 2mg estrogen at some point, then 4, then 6.
February 3rd: Stop Lupron injections.
February 5th: Start nightly Progesterone in Oil intra-muscular injections 1cc.
February 10th: Cycle ends with Endometrial Biopsy. Stop daily estrogen and aspirin.
February 14th: Stop Progesterone injections. Joy!
The biopsy was a nightmare as always and to make matters worse the nurse practitioner said that she had to do 2 biopsies. That was news to me and I actually cried when she left the room for a few seconds. One biopsy was for the ERA lab and the other was to test if my lining had any infections. Same as the first biopsy I had done. They have me scheduled for another HSG in March and I’m going to make them give me harder drugs. My friend B has so kindly offered to take me to the appointment so I hope they can do it on a day that fits her schedule. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to go through that much pain. I’m a woos and I’m proud!
And now we just wait for a period and we can start prepping to bring little Lucky home! I believe it’s suggested that you do another ERA if the result doesn’t come back as receptive but my RE doesn’t seem to think it’s necessary but gave me the choice. I am really averse to doing another one but let’s see if my RE changes his mind depending on what the results are.
So for now we are awaiting our next FET cycle. Big yay!! My app says 5 days til my period starts. Come on body, let’s get this party started!
BTW my ass hurts so much from the PIO shots. I can’t imagine doing them for 12 weeks or more. Besides ice and massaging do you guys have any tips on PIO shots? And itchy!! the injection sites are itchy as hell. I don’t think I’m allergic to the oil though. No serious skin reaction. Just itchy. Fun times.
As with everything “ranty”, I’ve gone back and forth about blogging about this since my intent is not to offend anyone but just to speak my truth.
While contemplating this post I’ve also had time to think about my feelings and in doing so find myself not really bothered by it anymore. Not sure if that’s because I’m sailing to the top of the infertility wave where everything is sunny and Beyonce having twins is only a tiny little punch to the gut. Either way, it’s not an issue now and I’m glad I’ve had a chance to process it.
Two of my IVF besties have been abundantly blessed recently. One just gave birth and one just found out the sex of her little one. Both of these things happened within days of one another and they both said the exact same thing to me that, at the time, annoyed me extremely.
“Don’t give up! You’re next!”
It annoyed me for a few reasons:
This fantastic news is about you. It has nothing to do with me. I was more than happy being happy for you. In that moment I’d completely forgotten about me because I was lost in my friend’s joy but you brought that to a screeching halt when you reminded me that I’m still struggling. I didn’t want want to remember it at the moment. It was a “you” moment. There’s plenty of time after our conversation for me to have a breakdown but not during. And I understand that IVF moms feel survivor’s guilt and it’s inherent to want to reach out and save someone else from being hurt but it’s okay to be happy for yourself for a moment. Please enjoy it. I’ll be okay.
“You’re next” is a lie. An infuriating one at that. Just based on the fact that, since writing these words, 10 children have already been born. And even if you mean that I’m next out of the 2 of us, you can’t possibly know that to be true. I just feel like “you’re next” is such a lazy thing to say to someone going through this. That’s the only way I can describe it. You couldn’t think of anything supportive to say, so you just blurted out something a fertile person would say? Just stop. The most used one liners tend to be the ones that sting the most and this one stung.
“Don’t give up”… Where do I begin? Firstly, I understand. I understand holding your miracle in your arms and thinking that you’re only in this position because you fought hard and you never gave up. It’s perfectly sound advice. I get it and when I think about it, I can’t really be mad about this advice because it makes sense. You won’t get what you want if you give up. But it bothers me. It bothers me because I think this is our last year of trying. It bothers me that I will feel like a failure for giving up when in actual fact giving up is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s one of the hardest, bravest decisions one can make but it comes with a stigma. Only losers give up. Only losers quit. There’s nothing wrong with quitting, my friends. Sometimes quitting is empowering and necessary. So in the immortal words of someone on the internet, “Do you, booboo”.
And that is the end of my Thursday rant. Like I said, I’ve since gotten over my irritation. For now, I’m not giving up and who knows, I might just be next *rolls eyes*. But I’ve also decided to skip the last paragraph of every birth story and pregnancy announcement moving forward…
I’ve been following and commenting on everyone’s blogs and just last night realized that I haven’t updated my own blog despite wanting to be a more avid blogger this year. Oh well.
We’re very much back in the swing of things over here. I just finished 3 weeks of birth control pills and I’ve added in Lupron already. I think I’m on day 7 now. My first baseline is tomorrow and then we’ll see when to start estrogen.
If you’re wondering what the hell is going on, we’re doing the mock ERA test cycle right now. So no transfer anytime soon but we will be doing the painful biopsy around the second week of February… if January ever ends. What the hell with this month? Amiright?
I also had a follow-up appointment with my new RE on the 4th. We just went over this next cycle and my transfer cycle. If everything runs smoothly (pfft) we should transfer little Lucky early to mid April. It seems like a million years away but probably because January is being an asshole and just hanging around like an unwanted ex.
I will say that my RE seems very optimistic. He gave us 70-80% chance of success based on the fact that we’re switching to injectable progesterone instead of vaginal suppositories and the fact that we’re doing this ERA test. I don’t know how to take this optimism. Do I take it and run or do I squint my eyes untrustingly and say hmmm?
On good days I’m already planning maternity leave. On bad days … well, we all know how those days go.
So in IVF land we are simply chugging along. It will begin to get more exciting in the coming weeks.
My holiday back home was fantastic. Almost perfect. Almost because N couldn’t join me. He was working on a boat (Incidentally, the same boat he was working on in SA when we met) and a few days before we were due to leave the client needed N to stay and do more and more work. I don’t want to go over it again bringing those feelings back to the surface. But it sucked and we tried everything to get him there but in the end we weren’t able to. And I just want to say that N has to go to St. John next week to work on this damned boat again and it’s our anniversary next week. Isn’t it funny that the boat that brought us together is trying to pull us apart? I have to laugh because if I don’t… well.
But being with my family and friends was just what I needed. I realized how much I love being around children I love. And there were so many kids. I did a tally and we’re talking easily 20+ kids. So I was surrounded by children all.the.time. It was glorious. I love these kids. I love everything about them. The things they say, the way they laugh. I love how extremely loud they are. I love when my nephews come sit on my lap for no reason. I love when my niece lets me brush her hair. I love watching them fight with each other and seeing them share. I love watching them dance and swim. I love holding and dancing with the little ones and high-fiving the older ones. I love listening to their parents talk about them. I love hearing them shout “Mommy!” and “Daddy!”. I love watching my friends interact with their children. I just love them all to bits. It breaks my heart to be so far away from everyone and not see them grow up. Yes, when I was alone with my own thoughts I struggled a bit and Christmas was particularly difficult. I stayed in bed as long as I could and I missed most of the children opening presents because I missed my husband and hearing the laughter was cutting into my aching heart but other than that, being around the kids seemed to make everything okay.
Okay, to sign off for now (because I’ve just awoken the homesick monster), I want to leave you with a video and a song. The song is Sunshine by Tom Misch. He’s my new obsession. I tweeted at him recently and he liked my tweet and I completely fangirled for a few days lol. This song is one of his more upbeat IVF fitting ones. Hope you enjoy.
The video is my favourite from the holiday. Going home this time the plan was to surprise my eldest brother for his 40th. They did a roast for him so N and I sent in a video to wish him a happy birthday since we “weren’t going to be there”. The video is of me surprising him. Just ignore the inside jokes in the video.
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Tales of a 30 Year Old Nothing 