I am a daughter
I still have my mom and dad
I know how lucky I am to say that
I admire my mom’s strength and caring heart
I miss making my dad laugh and his giant hugs

I am a sister
I was an “oopsy” baby
I love being the only girl
I have two older brothers who are my life
I have two older brothers who my everything

I am a sister-in-law
I have the luckiest brothers
I have the awesomest sisters
I love that I can go to them for anything
I love that they made me the best thing in the world…

I am an aunt
I have a niece
I have two nephews
I am absolutely smitten with them
I am so sad that I’m missing them growing up

I am a friend
I am surrounded with love
I am surrounded with support
I don’t know what I would do without my tribe
I don’t know what I did to deserve them

I am a wife
I found love after pain. Deep love
I left everything above for love
I wonder if he comprehends how much I love him
I find it hard to comprehend it myself sometimes

I am a mother
I’m a mother in my heart
I am a mother without a child
I struggle with the fact that I may always be just that, but
I am still fighting. I am tired but still fighting.

“Go outside”, they said. “It’ll be great”, they said.

Well it was pretty great, actually. We just hopped in the car and drove and we ended up at a nature walk place on the side of the road. It was an easy walk but because of the rain it was muddy in places so we had to get creative, fashioning makeshift bridges and the like. It was fun to get some fresh air.

Afterwards we went to find some open air markets. It was a bit late in the day but we found two small farmers markets where we bought some soups and micro-brewed sodas.

Then we got home and he went back to video games and I finished my book (Trevor Noah’s Born A Crime – Excellent read! And I’m not being biased because I do have a few criticisms).

After dinner we were getting ready for bed and as I took my sweater off I saw a bug on my side. I gasped and quickly swatted at it. It didn’t budge. So I swatted at it again and and nothing. Then one of it’s creepy little legs moved and I realized what it was.

A tick! A big ugly tick!

I’ve never in my life flipped out like I did. I was screaming and crying hysterically. N came running and when he made out what my screams were about he started laughing until he realized I how much distress I was in.

I’m a city slicker man. I don’t know about these things. I’ve never had a tick attack me before. We didn’t go on hikes as kids. I’ve only known ticks to be on animals. N spent most of his childhood in the woods so to him, ticks are par for the course (I can’t even).

It took him a while but he finally got me to calm down somewhat and he got the vile creature out (head and all) with a tweezer. We then checked each other thoroughly and nothing was found but I was a blubbering mess for the rest of the night.

I did all the googling about ticks and early pregnancy and I guess only the deer ticks carry lyme disease and they have to be on you for 24hrs for the disease to transmit. I’m still very freaked out but I’m keeping an eye on the bite mark. It’s just a little red but nothing too sinister. Just adding a few more things to my list of symptoms to spot.

I’m so angry with myself. I should have just stayed indoors.

Inside good. Outside baaad.

“Grow. Grow my child, groooow”

Words my husband whispered to my belly yesterday. He’s never done anything like that before and now I’m really freaking out. 

I’m not feeling confident today. Yes it’s only day 4. But it feels like day 20. 

I’m trying to not let negativity reign but I keep thinking, why would this work? It hasn’t before. Yes, everything is different this cycle. Everything. But the embryo is still the same. Shitty sperm, shitty egg. What if that’s been the problem all along? What do we do if this fails? Will Dr P fire us like Dr G did? 

Do we give up on our genetics? Do I give up on my uterus? 

These are just thoughts that are running through my head today. I have to go through them. Come to terms with them and be okay with them. 

I also have to remember that fear isn’t real. As much as I hate to quote Will Smith (personal beef), I really love these words. 

Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice. 

It’s a lovely day today so we’re going to go outside for a walk. I need to clear my head. I have to choose something else over fear. 

Please grow, my child. 

Yikes! I was just about to doze off. 

We’re doing our normal Friday routine. Take out. 2 redbox movies. 1 tv show afterwards which I fall asleep  through. 

Ths only thing missing is alcohol. 

I don’t have anything exciting to report. I had a long post planned about my family but I can’t keep my eyes open. I’ll try to fit them in another one. 

I cried at work today. Not because I’m on day 2 of a roller-coaster of emotions. It was because I watched a 20mim documentary the video production students made. 

Last year a student at the school died at a party. I believe it was alcohol related. We weren’t given too many details. Since then, the school has been very active in drug and alcohol prevention and education. They have meetings and trainings and they screened a movie about drugs this passed week. 

Today the vice principal sent an email with a documentary. Teachers were to show it in class and students were asked  to be sensitive to its content. 

It was about one of the automotive teachers. His father was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. His father was a teacher at another high school and the drunk driver was a student at that school. He was the kid’s coach. 

It was heartbreaking. In the documentary the teacher took a group of kids to the site of the accident and to his mom’s house,  just walking through the night that his father was killed and what affect its had on him and his family. At the end he obviously broke down telling a story about a road trip he’d taken with his dad and brothers. 

I was emotionally drained afterwards. I thought I’d recovered when I left work then I remembered that they said they left his father’s car parked in front of the school. I broke down again as I drove by it. 

Sorry if I’ve depressed you on the weekend. I just thought I’d share. 

Okay, to uplift you. I saw the automotive teacher in the hallway after and he was surrounded by students. Surrounded. They were all laughing and joking around. I could tell that he felt the love. I sure did. 

Gosh, I’m only on E and struggling already. I apologize for this lame post

Holidays always make me homesick for obvious reasons. I’m big on traditions and I’m also big on food. Holiday traditional food? Oh man.

But Easter is not that bad actually as far as homesickness is concerned. Sure, I miss going home for the long weekend and mom making big Easter lunch and me and dad eating hot cross buns and pickled fish until it comes out of our ears, but it’s not as bad as Christmas.

The only thing that made it hard for me is that the hot cross buns here are so not the same and pickled fish is non existent. It’s like no one thinks fish, onions, curry and vinegar go together and is absolutely delicious. 🙂

I used to lie around on Easter feeling very sorry for myself. But one year I just thought, eff it, and got the pickled fish recipe from Mom and I decided to make hot cross buns from scratch. I flopped hard on the buns at first. And at second… and at third.

I did get them right eventually. On my 4th Easter I mastered both dishes. I was the Easter queen.

While all this was going on, every Easter we went to my mom-in-law’s place for brunch. She always made a ham (My favourite!) and all of us kids got Easter baskets. Creatively made and filled with chocolate.

As you all know, I’m resistant to change so it took me a while to warm up to American Easters and I have to say now that American Easters are pretty darn great. I mean, there’s ham, family time and chocolate. What more could I want? And my mother-in-law really put a lot of effort into those baskets. Combine all of that with homemade hot cross buns and pickled fish. Girrrrrl.

This Easter is going to be different, though. Our beta is on Easter Saturday so there’s that. We’re likely going to miss brunch because we might be away that weekend (we should probably find a place to go to, huh?). I’m still going to make my buns and fish but either way, it’s going to be very different.

Let’s hope it’s a good different.

We made it to transfer day! Although everything was different, it went off without a hitch and I am now heavy one 3b grade embryo.

So we were at a different clinic so that took some getting used to. At my old clinic we had to get there an hour before, we were offered valium and it just seemed more personal and calm relaxed. The waiting area was smaller and I knew the nurses and the doctors. It was familiar.

I didn’t know anyone at this new place. They were perfectly nice. Very kind, but everything happened so quickly. Got signed in then we’d barely sat down when someone came to get us to fill out some paper work. Then back to the waiting room. I was just about to update my family and friends when they came to get us again for go time. They separated N and I so that I could go in and change. I came in and greeted everyone and by the time I sat down the embryologist was already there checking my wrist band. Quick as a flash the speculum was in and the embryologist was back with the embryo and 3 seconds later I was implanted. And that was that. I think N and I only locked eyes and spoke to each other once when we saw the white speck on the ultrasound. I asked for a picture of the embryo but they said they couldn’t do that. I’m not sure why. Could it be because of the move they didn’t have all the tech set up? I’m going to have to ask about that because I’m very sad I don’t have a picture.

When we went back to the waiting room it kept playing on my mind. Why no picture? What if there is no embryo in me? How am I going to stress out and do comparisons of other embryos if I don’t know what mine looks like?

The cool thing about the new clinic is that they have acupuncture on site. Usually they do before and after sessions but my transfer was too early to do a before (which is BS but whatevs). But I did an after session and it was just what I needed I think. I felt really good and calm afterwards.

And then we went home.

My beta is set for next Saturday. I bought a bunch of Wondfo tests from Amazon, you know, just to torture myself some more. I know I said I’ll never test again but the memory of the crushing phone calls is still fresh so I have to decide if I want to rip the Bandaid off first.

So all in all, it was a good, quick transfer. No hiccups. It was essentially perfect. But both N and I agree that we’re not big fans of the new clinic. Let’s attribute this to our not really being ready for the change.

But hey, if all goes well we won’t have to go back there for a really long time and I’m not mad at that.

Thank you thank you, everyone for keeping fingers and toes crossed and saying prayers. So far so good.

❤

I grew up in a no pet household. No matter how much we begged and pleaded it was always a “no”. Eventually when we were in our 20s in our last years of university (my middle brother and I), much to our surprise, my dad asked us if we wanted a cat. His friend’s cat had a litter that needed homes. So we got our first cat. A beautiful blue eyed siamese. Mr Bigglesworth. What an asshole he was. I’m not sure if it’s the breed but the was everything that people who hate cats say about cats. He only had time for my mother and my brother. My friend was living with us at the time and she and Mr B had serious beef. He kept sleeping on her clothes like he was out to get her. He only wanted to be petted on his terms. He was also an outside cat so we didn’t see much of him. Unfortunately, he went missing for a few days and we found his body in a side street. A victim of a hit and run. We weren’t close but all of us shed a few tears as we buried him that day. My mother was particularly broken hearted. Poor Biggledeeboo. He was a punk but he was loved.

I was happy after that to not have another animal in my life. Saying goodbye to them is not fun. So how I ended up having three cats in my life who I love, will always be a mystery. But here they are. My three babies.

First we have Tweak. He’s N’s cat who he got from his mother (someone who works with her or something, he says). He used to be really over weight. So much so that he became diabetic a few years ago and needed special food and nightly shots. It’s because he’s greedy and never stops eating. We have to keep an eye on him or he’ll eat himself into oblivion. As soon as 4pm hits he starts singing for his dinner. Dinner is at 7 so you can imagine how annoying this is. He’s about 8 or 9 now. He previously held the record for loudest purr but has been bumped to second place. I’ll explain why later. He’s very cuddly. Annoyingly so. He makes a point of sitting next to you and slowly inching his way on to your lap. If you’re not careful you’ll have a sneaky ninja cat up in your business. He’s also our resident puker. I think it’s because he grooms himself and the other two so it’s hair balls a plenty. Also because he’s a greedy A-hole he eats to fast and pukes 5 minutes after then proceeds to meow for more food. He also loves to be carried on N’s shoulder and he plays catch with twisty ties. We give him a lot of shit but he is very much loved because he’s our first born and we’re so proud that he managed to lose weight and is no longer diabetic.

Next up, middle child syndrome in cat form, Spaz. He was born on our back door a year or 2 before I came into the picture. He is N’s little baby cat. His first love. He carries him around like a baby even though he’s a really big cat. Bigger than your average cat I would say. Spaz is always where N is and if any other cat encroaches on cuddle time he hisses. He’s so spoiled. He’s also a little sickly, although he’s been much better lately. He has urinary tract thing so he needs special food (notice a trend?). He’s also allergic to pine. Something we found out after our first and only real Christmas tree. And he has asthma and has his own little kitty inhaler. Thankfully we haven’t had to use it. He’s also completely nuts. I think that’s why his name is Spaz because at about 10pm every night he completely spazzes out for no reason and runs up and down the house growling. It’s the funniest thing. We’re always dodging a zooming cat as he jumps and dives by our heads while we’re watching tv. What a nutter. It took him a while to get used to me but I think we’re good now and he lets me carry him like a baby sometimes too.

And finally, our little princess, Trinity. I was jealous of N getting all the cat attention so I wanted a cat of my own. Enter this little fire cracker. Unfortunately, very shortly after we got her she found someone to love and it wasn’t me. So now N has 3 cats and I have none. Unless I’m home alone then I’m good enough. Trini was the runt of her litter. But when we went to pick her up she was wrestling her siblings and winning. Any doubts we had of her being bullied by our 2 monster cats were quickly squashed. She and tweak wrestle nightly and she doesn’t pay Spaz any mind when he hisses and swats at her. We think she enjoys provoking him actually. She specifically goes near him when he’s in cuddle mode with N, waits until he gets irritated, dodges the swats and hisses and when Spaz runs away out of pure frustration frustration she promptly takes his place on the warm lap and proceeds with the loudest purr known to man. You’d be surprised how such a tiny little thing has such a loud purr (oh my goodness!). She’s still really tiny but man can she hold her own. She’s the only one of the three who doesn’t listen to instruction. The other 2 will scatter if we yell at them to get off the kitchen counter but not madame. She doesn’t respond to verbal threats. She’s fearless. The other 2 don’t really go outside without caution. Her we’ve almost lost twice because she’s ventured out of the yard. She does not allow closed doors in the house and will scratch and yell until you open so she can see what you’re doing (pooping most likely). She also only lets you pet her on her terms and she will only allow you to pick her up if it’s so that you can help her reach something high. She loves chewing on pens, but only when you’re using them. She loves anything she can climb into and explore, nothing is safe. If something breaks, Trini broke it. She is loveable sometimes. Mostly in the morning but other than that she just wants to be left alone so she can cause mayhem and chaos and do a cute meow when you’re angry.

And that’s the story of our three fur kiddos. I’m not really an animal person but these guys really got under my skin. I just love them so much.

Okay, I’d better get some rest now because tomorrow’s a big day!!!!

A good friend of mine, who’s a few months older than me, got married a few months ago and she had mentioned that her sister and husband were, not so much pressuring but starting to ask when baby time begins. Her sister pulled the old “You’re not getting any younger” line and her husband wants a timeline. She said she’s not ready yet, though. She wants to get out of debt first and get their lives sorted out.

I think she was looking to me be an ally and since I’m in full support of people not having babies before me, I was more than happy to tell her just how much time she has to make a family.

“Don’t worry about it” I said. “Women are having babies older and older, you have loads of time.”

We joked around a bit about being pregnant in our 50’s and then I started to feel guilty. Was I being a good friend? Knowing what I know about trying to get pregnant? I decided to be real with her.

I told her that there’s absolutely no reason to think that she would struggle. She has regular periods and her husband is younger than her and I’m sure he’s and healthy (I believe. I haven’t met him yet). There’s also no history of infertility in her family from what I can tell. BUT…

I said that Infertility doesn’t give a shit about you and your plans so if you’re able, it’s a good idea to get ahead of it if you can. You’ll never regret being prepared.

I gave her this list of things she can do while she’s trying to get out of debt. A list of things no one told me before we started trying.

1. Get tested. Nothing crazy like genetic testing. But you can do all the prelim testing through your OBGYN. Egg reserve, prolactin, thryoid, STD’s, etc. They might not test everything if you’re at the beginning stages but it’s a good idea to have a conversation with your OB anyway.
2. Have your husband do a semen analysis. Sometimes a tough sell but if her husband was eager to start then he should be okay with this.
3. Start making little dietary changes. The earlier you start the better. Less sugar, less shitty carbs, less alcohol is always a good place to start. But remember that you can be the healthiest person in the world and still be infertile because infertility doesn’t give a shit about you and your health, so no need to go nuts.
4. Starting temping and tracking and getting to understand your body and your cycles. This one is a bit labor intensive but I think it’s worthwhile to start sooner rather than later so you can likely pinpoint when (if at all) you ovulate.
5. Have fun and try not to stress. The beginning part of TTC is exciting and fun. There’s no reason to start panicking if you’re on month 3 and not pregnant yet. It’s very difficult to get pregnant if you think of the success rate of natural conception (something like 20-25% in your late 30s), but that being said…
6. At our age, 6 months in with no success warrants a visit to an OBGYN. That’s when most will start taking you seriously anyway.
7. Start taking ubiquinol and a prenatal with folate.
8. Remember your partner and your relationship and remember to love one another. Otherwise what’s the point right?

I think it’s difficult to find balance in TTC. Some days are going to be shit and some days are going to great. All we can do is weather the storms and bask in the sunlight.

And I let her know that no matter what, I’ll always be there for her whether she gets pregnant just by being looked at or whether she has to work a little harder.

As much as I’m loathed to use the “word” adulting, it is what I did this past week and today and I couldn’t think of another A word.

First… I had my first mammogram this morning. That’s pretty adult right? Putting my health first and what not.

I’ve of course heard that this procedure was extremely painful so I practiced all morning squeezing my boobs in preparation. I’m a little weird. But boob squeezing is absolutely not the same.

Basically and really quickly, they take 2 pictures of each breast. One squeezing it flat and one squeezing it an angle. The whole process is over in 5 minutes. I wouldn’t say it was painful but the angle squeeze was the worst. It’s mostly just awkward trying to stand comfortably while your boob is trapped. Also you’re not allowed to breathe while they’re taking the pictures so you’re standing at an awkward angle, holding on to the machine for dear life while your boob is in a vice grip and if you fall it would assuredly be ripped off. Trying to not lose my boob from an ill fated fall while not breathing is not easy. I’m sure it was funny to look at.

But all in all while it was an unpleasant few minutes, it only  has to be done every 5 years (I believe) and it’s over in a flash. Let’s just say, I’d rather do 5  mammograms than to do one uterine biopsy.

My other big adult thing. I bought my first car!

Okay, I’ve owned cars before of course. But my parents bought by first two and this last one was N’s that I inherited  that died two weeks ago. So I was very excited and scared to make this big purchase. My first big purchase.

Scary because of the responsibility. Excited because I never own nice things. Scary because I don’t own nice things because I’m a breaker. Excited because I can drive faster. Scary because I can drive faster.

Anyway, it took some waiting but we finally picked it up yesterday and I’m still a bit nervous to drive it. It’s been raining and snowing all weekend too and I’ve only driven it with N next to me. I think I’m nervous because I’ve been so bad luck with cars. I don’t want to ding it.

I’m the type of person who buys new clothes and lets it sit in the closet until it’s not so new before I wear it so I guess I don’t really want to drive this car until it’s been in the driveway a little longer. Isn’t that weird?

I’m weird. I’m a weird adult.