Author Archives: Just Another Manic Blogger

Quick happy update

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Hi Everyone

I’m finally back from holiday and also I’m 3 days into my new job. The trip was beyond fantastic and also very difficult at times. I’ll write more about that in the future. In the States I think I’ve had it easy. Back home every single one of my friends has at least one child. I think if I lived at home I wouldn’t make it out of bed most days. I loved being around the kids, it was so refreshing but going home to a quiet bedroom with just my thoughts proved overwhelming more often than not.

But I don’t want to get into that now. The weddings were sooo beautiful and perfect. It was so great seeing everyone and spending time with my parents. This is the most time I’ve spent with them and it was awesome. I keep thinking of how much all 3 of us cried at the airport and I get all choked up. It gets harder and harder to leave every time. My nephews and niece are perfect. I couldn’t get my new nephew to love me though. 1 year olds are tough. But he’s so funny, like his dad (my brother), I can’t wait for him to start talking. He babbles uncontrollably has full on conversations with you but it’s all babbling. I love it. The other two are to die for. So loving and always free with the hugs. I couldn’t get enough of them. I have to stop because I have other stuff to talk about.

So this new job is pretty awesome! I have a feeling there’s going to be a lot riding on my shoulders. I was hired to back up the technology director and he says a lot or things like “I’m the only one who has access, but you’ll have access now”, which is exciting and a little nerve wracking. And the fact that I completely blanked on how to calculate Average in Excel probably didn’t look too good.

Everyone is really nice. It’s a complete change from my old company where I was the oldest in the crew by about 5-10 years. I think I’m the youngest in the little basement office by about 5-10 years now. My only gripe is that it is fuh-reezing down there. I bought all this summer professional clothes for work and I’m still wearing old winter not-so-much professional clothes. In the summer, I guess you don’t have to dress up.

What else? Oh, the hours are 7-3 and when school starts, 7-3:30. I still can’t believe it, so I hang around til about 3:10 to make sure no one was kidding about that. I’m used to getting home at 7. And of course, the best part, I just signed up for BCBS insurance. I think it’s already kicked in, I’m just waiting for my card so I can send the info to the clinic. The infertility coverage is beyond anything I could have dreamed of. I never knew how luckily/blessed I am to be living in a state that has mandated infertility coverage. I can’t get over it. I am bit worried about these hours and taking time off for monitoring appointments since they’re always at 7:30 and I still have that pesky hysteroscopy looming over me. But really, I’m going to try and not think about that stuff for now.

Now, in an attempt to be a better blogger and now that I have more free time. I have to start thinking about stuff to blog about. I keep saying this, but my life is so dull now but I spoke to N and we both agree that we should pick something to do over the weekends and then do them. That should give me something to blog about. Also, I have a few posts I want to make about our supplement regimen and then I want to bring back Sunday Smiles and my Track of the Week.

Okay, I have to go now. I’m doing trying this buzzfeed clean eating challenge for 2015. I’ve already failed because we had ice cream for dinner on Monday but I have a fridge full of healthy greens so I’m going to be better. I’ll post some pics of the meals I’m making. I always enjoy peoples food pics.

And with that, I’ll leave you. Sorry this post was a bit all over the place and a bit self indulgent. I’m just really happy right now and more so about the actual job. The infertility stuff is just icing on a very delicious cake… oh man, now I want cake. I hate cleanses. I really do. I’m not going to do them anymore.

For some reason my laptop is slow so I can’t upload some pics but here are the 2 most important anyway.

[edit: picture removed for anonymity]

[edit: picture removed for anonymity]

Sono results

Posted in TTC drama by

My RE called as I was buying a bag of highly overpriced airport Lay’s. Looks like I’m up for a hysteroscopy when I get back. He said it looks like there may be a polyp.

He wants to do it on day 5 of my cycle but I don’t think I’ll be back home by then. I’m willing my body to bleed late though. According to my period app I should be home on day 10. yeesh. Whatev’s, I’ll just go in in August.

He said half the time it’s nothing and half the time they have to to remove whatever is there. It does sound like the hysterscopy and the removal are 2 separate procedures which I’m not happy with. Why can’t he just do it in one go? I’ll have to ask when I call with day 1.

Oh dear, I just realized I’ll be on new insurance in August so maybe we’ll only be able to do this in September. Ugh.

The trip is going well. I picked up a lovely throat infection and I’m supposed to be working this first week so I’m in pj’s under the covers doing some work while my mum brings me food and meds. I can’t really be mad at that.

Hope everyone had a fantastic 4th of July weekend.

xx

Sonohysterogram and Other Updates

Posted in TTC drama by

Well hello! I just wanted to do another quick pop in to let you know what’s going on.

I had a sonohysterogram today. It was not fun. The nurse practitioner and the sonographer were sweethearts, of course. I should have warned them that I am a big baby.

The appointment was at 11:45 but we got there at 11 which they were really happy about. I think the sono wanted to head out early today. I was hoping N could join me to hold my hand but they whisked him upstairs for his repeat SA which he was tight lipped about afterwards. He just said that they gave him the shitty room again. Ah, the mind wonders.

They did a baseline ultrasound first and had only good things to say about my uterus, which is always a strange compliment to get but I’ll take it. The NP was awesome at explaining all her steps and her attempts to make me as comfy as possible. The devil’s hand speculum was pre-warmed (whaaat?! awesome) but still hurt like a mofo going in. The catheter was even worse. The first time I had a catheter in my uterus was when I had the IUD put in a few years ago. I almost cried that time. This felt like that. Horrible cramps that I could feel in my butt and down my legs. I was given a little respite when she took the speculum out but then the wand went in. That’s too many things in my vagina. I wasn’t happy.

After that it wasn’t the worst. It hurt a little when they squeezed the saline solution in. She did 2 big syringes which she apologized profusely for. It was just unpleasant. Trying to look interested in what someone is saying while saline solution is dripping out of your nether region is quite a story. On to the results.

So there was something odd. Despite my uterus being shaped nicely. We all saw something which to me looked like a tiny wall at the end (or beginning… or top… or bottom) of my uterus that split it in two but both sections were filling up with liquid. The NP said that it looks like something but it could be nothing and the doctor will have to tell me more. Great.

And then it was over. They took everything out and had me raise my butt so they could slide another puppy pad underneath me. When I sat up it all came gushing out. I was given a bit of privacy to get dressed and use the thickest pad known to man. Great to day to be wearing a g-string huh, dummy.

I met N outside and waited a bit so he could get a few vials of blood drawn. There was a tiny mishap and he was dripping blood down his arm but a band-aid and an ice pack cleared that up right quick.

Afterwards we grabbed some lunch and ran a few errands and now I’m home not working even though I should be.

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giant calzones!

I am of course Googling what I think I saw on my ultrasound. I have diagnosed myself with Asherman’s syndrome or it could just be a uterine synechia. The only reason I’m thinking Asherman’s is because my period only lasts for 2 days and there’s very little blood and those 2 days are cramp city. But those are the only 2 other symptoms. I doubt it’s that.

I have to be honest. I’m not too worried about it. It may be because whatever it is, we’ll get it sorted out. I’m not afraid of surgery or anything like that, I know that I have a great team working on this and it’ll get fixed and it’s just one step closer to a kiddo.

In other, more exciting news… I’m off to South Africa on Thursday for 3 weeks. I’m kinda bummed that I’m doing this trip solo. It’s the longest I’ll be without my dude since I came here. Kinda bummed is an understatement actually. I’m trying to cry just writing it. It’s weird bursting with excitement and sadness at the same time. I may need to up my chocolate intake.

I have to start packing right now because I don’t want to have to stress about it tomorrow as we have to leave the house at 2am on Thursday. I land at noon on Friday and then Saturday is wedding number 1. After that I’ll take the 7hr drive on Monday with my parents to Cape Town to visit family and friends until the 18th then it’s back to my home town for my brother’s wedding on the 25th. I get back here on the 28th then I’ll have my LAST THREE DAYS at my old job! Ack!!!

It’s all happening so quickly. Before I know it I’ll be starting IVF round 2. Yay! In the meantime I am going to make a concerted effort to blog more, even if it won’t be too much infertility stuff. I’ve completely abandoned my ttc instagram account. I try to pop in every now and again but I don’t feel connected to anyone there anymore and I fear when I’m ready to start a new round people will think I’m just there to take support but I wasn’t there to give support. Whatever, I like you ladies better anyway.

So there you have it. I hate that sonohysterograms are necessary. I hate that all this invasive testing is necessary, but it is and, again, it’s just one step closer to baby time.

I hope everyone is doing well. I’ll pop in again when I’m safe and surrounded by nieces and nephews. xx

Saving babies

Posted in Random Tales, TTC drama by

Hey guys! Sorry, I’ve been so quiet. I really don’t have anything of import to say of late and I was going through a few weeks of bliss, ignoring the fact that I’m infertile. But things have been going on and I can finally write about it since most of the T’s have been crossed and most of the I’s dotted.

I got a new job!!!

I put in my notice yesterday so that sealed the deal but let me start at the beginning. Remember how I said I was bored with my career? I have been working in marketing/advertising research for around 7 years now and while I find the industry fascinating I’ve always felt in the back of my mind that this isn’t what I’m meant to be doing.

The seed was planted a few years ago when my colleague told me a little story (Names have been changed to protect those involved lol). He was stressed out one day dealing with angry client service people and was on the verge of cracking when he went to his manager and dove into a long tirade about these unrealistic deadlines. At the end his boss simply looked up from his desk and asked “Toby, are we saving babies here?” … “No.” Toby replied. “So don’t worry about it”.

This metaphor really resonates with me. I know there are very few people out there who actually save babies (or lives) for a living but basically what he was asking was, does what you’re doing really matter. Not only in the greater scheme of things but to you, personally. If the answer is no, then you have to re-evaluate your situation.

That really put a lot of things into perspective for me. My job isn’t always stressful but there are days when a big client has an unreasonable request with a very short turnaround time and because they pay us (and by us I mean the company because we see none of it, but that’s another story) the big bucks we have to bow to their every whim. And if I don’t remind myself daily that we’re not saving babies, I’m liable to go insane.

But that got me thinking about my job as a whole. I know I enjoy coding surveys and trouble shooting data issue and getting my hands dirty in all things data but am I affecting change? Am I waking up everyday doing something that I’m proud of? And the answer, for me personally, was no. All I’m doing is making advertising agencies richer and helping big brands who I don’t even really have any respect for. It started frustrating me to the point where I was starting to get a little depressed.

On top of that, I was not at all happy with some of the decisions my company was making. Aside from not giving us raises for 3 years straight, the nail in the coffin was when they announced that they would no longer be giving out bonuses to anyone under the level of director. We were all ushered into a meeting room with 4 directors and a VP and we had to listen to them deliver this news. However, anyone who’d been in the company longer than a year would still be getting bonuses. They said, and I quote, “We really had to fight to get you guys these bonuses”. Wow! I’m so honored that you’d managed to easily secure bonuses for yourselves but the rest of us, who are pulling all the fucking weight by the way, were shit out of luck until you “fought for us”. Thanks. Please excuse me while I don’t kiss your feet. What about Sue and Jimmy out there who weren’t invited to the meeting, who put in just as much work and who are now getting the shaft because you couldn’t “fight for them too”?

Okay, I know, I know. I shouldn’t shoot the messenger and I also realize that a company doesn’t have to give an incentive bonus but who of you out there will work for a company where there’s no incentive to work? Didn’t think so.

That’s what kicked my job search into overdrive. Job hunting is depressing work, friends. Even when you have a post grad degree and 7 years experience. I was very lucky to land 2 interviews. Both in industries I am in love with. Food and Education. My not-so-secret dream is to become a teacher one day but I’m not afraid to admit that I’m scared to death of failing at it so when I saw this position at the high school but still using my skills as a data analyst I thought the heavens opened up and angels were singing and pointing to the “apply now” button. Similarly, my other passion is food so seeing this posting for a job at a clam chowder factory felt like the seafood heavens opened up and chowder angels were singing.

As the interview process progressed I quickly learned that the chowder job wasn’t for me and thankfully I wasn’t offered the position after 3 interviews and a really silly excel test that wouldn’t let me use the short cut keys. I mean really.

I did 2 interviews at the school and each time I walked in I really felt like I was coming home. I am beyond happy to have been offered this position. Of course with an element of sadness because I love my work friends right now. I know that me leaving won’t be the end of these friendships but not seeing them everyday will take some getting used to.

I finally feel like everything is coming together in this little journey of mine because the icing on an already delicious cake is that I’ll be getting Massachusetts health insurance which comes with (queue angels singing) Massachusetts Infertility Coveraaaage! I could be counting my chickens before they hatch because I haven’t had a chance to find out what coverage I’m getting but I have a choice of three (Harvard Pilgram HMO, Network Blue New England and Blue Care Elect Preferred – If anyone has experience with these please let me know). For all I know all three could be pretty shitty but the salary increase is high enough that I’m really not too worried about and it really can’t be worse than what I have right now (2 cycles but a retrieval and transfer are counted as 2 separate cycles… rolls eyes).

Before this, we were pretty much shit out of luck with IVF. I have 1 retrieval cycle left and to pay out of pocket for any more would be months and months of saving and ramen noodle eating which I would have done no questions asked but I can’t even explain how relieved and grateful I am for this opportunity. It’s very rare that you get to check off two dreams in one go.

The job only starts in August so it’s going to be a bit of a wait, but man is it going to feel good to be “saving babies” soon.

The Duggar Child Abuse Scandal

Posted in Uncategorized by

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Disorderly Love's avatarDisorderly Love

If you are not currently residing in a cave, I’m sure you’ve heard about the Duggar scandal surrounding child molestation. What the media has failed to discuss, however, are the victims of Josh Duggar’s crimes-or, “mistakes,” as his family likes to refer to them.

What’s more, in statements released by Josh’s parents & wife, the emphasis is placed entirely on him. With absolutely no regard to his sisters, or the other girls he molested. In every article I’ve read discussing the issue over the past several days, I’ve seen-repeatedly, on an irritating level-how the family has sympathized with Josh & spoke about the counseling he supposedly received. The articles themselves also fail to speak about his victims.

Now, let me tell you why this is a bigger issue. For one, we as a society have-again-failed victims of sexual abuse by placing more emphasis on the abuser than their…

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Liebster and Versatile Blogger Awards

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My husband hasn’t been home all day so I’ve washed both cars (yikes) and had 2 drinks to celebrate. And even more important. I caught up on 188 youtube videos and finally getting around to doing this award almost a month later. I’m feeling a great sense of accomplishment, I may just get a third drink.

I hope I’m not breaking the rules here but I’m going to do both of these awards together to keep you from reading the same stuff twice and I can’t think of 18 fact about myself this close to bed time. Okay, bed time is a long way away but that’s how long it will take I’m sure of it. So here goes!

Thank you very much Sam from My Missing Ingredient is Patience for nominating me for the Liebster Award. I enjoy your blog, I hope you’ll be back soon to post something. And thank you very much Nara from From Zero to Zygote and Angela from Surviving INfertility. I love both your blogs too!

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Here are my answers to Sam’s questions:

  1. What simple thing makes you happy? When I cook a meal for hubby (or anyone really) and they say it’s good… That and making someone belly laugh.
  2. What sort of music do you like? Hmmm lots? My spotify playlist is all over the place. But I guess my first love is deep house. But lately I’ve been in an Earth Wind and Fire type phase. It reminds me of watching my mom teach aerobics to the ladies from church and her school. I think I miss my mom.
  3. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Sorry, gonna go with both here. Pretty useless during the afternoon 🙂
  4. Do you have any tattoos? Not yet. I can’t decide on something so maybe never.
  5. Do you have any weird fears? Just the dark. Deathly afraid of the dark.
  6. Do you play an instrument? Just the fool… harrr harrr. I did piano lessons as a kid so I know the basics.
  7. How do you think others would describe you in three words? What a goof
  8. Where has been the best place you’ve travelled to? Australia. Great Barrier Reef. We hosted an exchange student from Australia for a year and after high school her parents paid for me to go visit her in Melbourne and do touristy thing. The trip on a whole was a real blessing and I am forever grateful. We did everything. Climbed Ayer’s Rock, Climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge, but scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef was a dream come true for me. I’ll never forget it.
  9. What languages can you speak? English and Afrikaans. It’s one of the 11 official languages in South Africa. It sounds Dutch-ish.
  10. Do you have any pets? We have 3 beautiful crazy cats. I’m dedicating a post to them as soon as I can get good pics of the chunky one. Can cats be un-photogenic? Because this guy is beautiful but never co-operates for the camera.
  11. How long have you been blogging for? A little over a year, sporadically, as you can tell.

Okay, I’m going to do 11 facts here instead of the 7 for the VB Award. Oh man I feel like I’m breaking all of the rules. I do apologize if you’re a stickler for rules.

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1. I’m a recovering spoilt brat… I’m getting the red squiggly lines under spoilt. Does that mean it’s spelled spoiled over here? I guess so. Anyway. I’m the youngest of three and the only girl so I pretty much get whatever I want from my parents and my brothers. This is terrible and my husband is having none of it. Don’t laugh, it’s serious. Being a recovering spoilt brat is hard work. I have to learn how I don’t always get my way. I have to be considerate. I can’t pout when people tell me no, or that I’m wrong. I have to share. Ugh, it’s not fun guys. But I’m learning.

2. My best friend and I were on a cooking show back in 2003 or 4 called Off the Menu with Ainsely Harriot. It was one of those competition shows. We had to cook something off the menu of a 5 star restaurant against another duo. We got psycho chef wife and her poor husband. We didn’t stand a chance. I had just started loving cooking and didn’t even know how to poach a fish which, incidentally, was what we had to do. Poached salmon with a lobster samoosa and lemon sabayon. Any sauce you have to make in a double boiler is a big ask so we lost pretty badly but man what an experience. If I ever get a rematch, it.is.on!

3. I’m obsessed with cook books. I request one every Christmas. I love the pictures. I find myself paging through cook books for fun.

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Some of my cook books

4. I wear glasses but only when I look at a computer screen because I get dizzy otherwise. And I have to take them off when I’m not looking at the screen or I’ll get dizzy with them on. Weird.

5. I loooove high heel shoes. My job doesn’t require that I dress up so I never wear all the pairs I just have to buy. So I have  bunch that just sit in my closet. I actually wear them around the house in my pj’s sometimes just because. My goal is to own a $500+ pair one day. I don’t care which.

6. Gonna steal Mrs MPB’s one here and say that my favourite cheese is brie as well. There’s really nothing like it.

7. I used to write poetry as a teenager. Mostly forlorn love poems. My mother has them now I think. She wants me to put them together and get them published. Mothers are always supportive.

4 extra facts for the Liebster award:

8. I’m a hair product junkie. I’ve subscribed to CurlBox and it’s a problem. I’ll never run out of hair products and I love it!

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Half of my hair stash… It’s mostly conditioner. Send help.

9. I just went through all my old posts to remove pics and stuff to make this a bit more anonymous so that I can talk about my job and my boss. But maybe I shouldn’t. I feel like as soon as I do it she’ll somehow find it and fire me. If you knew her you’d understand.

10. I have a black thumb. My mom in law and parents even tried to plant stuff for us and I just can’t keep anything alive. Even cucumbers that pretty much take care of themselves.

11. I’m a big fan of stand up comedy. Huge. We try to see a big act as often as possible. I’m very sad we missed Bill Burr this past week. We’ll get him next time.

Here are my 11 nominations. In no particular order. Just a few new ones I’ve started following and want to get to know more about. I’m sorry if you’ve already been nominated.

Feel free to do both awards or either… or neither for that matter.

1. From Zero to Zygote

2. Terrakna

3. Disorderly Love

4. New Chances, New Hope

5. Somewhere Over the Rainbow

6. Her Eggs My Nest

7. Lonely Uterus

8. My Brain’s Escape

9. Searching for the Stork

10. I’m Impregnable

11. Not the Stef You’re Looking For

And here are my 11 questions if you do the Liebster Award.

1. What is you’re favorite movie genre?

2. Who would play you in a movie about life?

3. What’s your favorite article of clothing?

4. Which mobile phone do you have?

5. What’s your spouse/partner’s most annoying habit?

6. What would they say your most annoying habit is?

7. You see a massive spider running across the floor in front of you. What do you do?

8. If you could be any animal, which would you be?

9. What’s your favorite tv show?

10. What’s your favorite book?

11. Which was your most memorable birthday?

Sunday Smiles

Posted in Random Tales by

I just have one today but it’s a goodie!

I have been sllllacking on my exercising. No insanity all week. And eating crap crap crap. And yesterday I was about to continue. Mister had to a job in the morning and as he was leaving he asked me if I was going to yoga. Queue irrational anger. How dare he passive aggressively remind me that I was neglecting a goal I’d set for myself. The nerve.

So I dragged my ass off to the gym to be there for 9am and I’m so happy I did. I can’t believe I did it. I’m so proud of myself. I did the bird of paradise pose! On both sides!! Okay, I didn’t get to the pointed toe part but that’s only because I’m human.

But I did it! I did it! I even came home and showed my husband so I did it 3 times!. I did it once before last year but I’ve been struggling to get there again so I’m very happy about this. I should have taken a pic but I tried it earlier and I am stiff as all hell from yesterday hahaha.

Anyway here are some pics of the pro’s doing it. I’ll get there. I can only get to step 4 now.

9378d833424d5ef7bb158751317f0d39 bird-of-paradise

bird-of-paradise (1)

What Does Failure Mean To You?

Posted in Random Tales, TTC drama by

We’re conducting interviews at work and one of the questions we ask is “What does failure mean to you?”. I guess what we’re trying gain from this is to find out how a potential employee would deal with messing up on the job, which does happen from time to time.

Everyone’s answer to this is pretty textbook. They all say that failure is a learning experience, which is true. Failure is certainly something you’re supposed to learn from but sitting in a few of these interviews and staring into those bright eyes and smiling faces I know that they haven’t answered the actual question. What does failure mean to you?

I’ve been thinking a lot about what failure means to me. Not only with regards to my first failed cycle but every failure in my life thus far. Failing a class at university (Partying was more important back then). Failing at making a relationship work. Failing at getting a job I applied for. And those are just the big fails. I have yet to open a jar on my own.

I think we’re all just a sum of all our failures. Failures make us who we are and determines how we react to situations and how we communicate with people. So it would make sense that failure should mean more than just being a learning experience.

So what does failure mean to me? A few things. For me, processing failure to get to a point where you can say failure is a learning experience is similar to stages of grief. Here are the stages of failure in my experience and what they mean to me.

1. Failure means Denial:

When I fail at something the first thing I think is “Damn, I can’t believe that didn’t work.” … This feeling of denial is as strong as the amount of effort I put into the task. I replay the entire event over and over questioning everything. Why did I do it that way? Why did I get my hopes up? Why did I work so hard? I should’ve known this wasn’t going to work. The self doubt will consume me if I don’t either remind myself that I’m still worth while or have someone to remind me. But when I’m in denial I’m not feeling very worthy.

2. Failure means Anger/Shame:

Who can I blame for my failure? I’m still ask the questions from above but my answers is usually myself and it’s not good. Self doubt makes way for self deprecation. Why did I get my hopes up? Because I’m an idiot that’s why. I’m not good enough, not smart enough. How am I going to show my face in public again? I find myself saying things like “I’m never doing that again” and this is when I’m throwing away or burning things that remind me of failure and I’m simply just no fun to be around.

3. Failure means Anxiety:

Here’s where everything about the failure freaks me out and I can literally feel the bile rise in my throat at the thought of trying again. I don’t like to think about this. Even now… let’s move on.

4. Failure means … Fuck It:

Giving up is my “favourite” part of failure. I always spend my most time here. I think I’m still here now with regards to my cycle failure. I’m the person who would probably never go back in the water if I was bitten by a shark. I do not like facing my fears. That’s why I’m still afraid of the dark at 33 years old. Since failure, at this stage, has made me anxious and afraid I will now happily stick my head in the sand and never have to face it again. I’m still saying “I’m never doing that again” but with less anger and more matter-of-fact shoulder shrugging. It’s safe here. But of course it’s no way to live. If you keep giving up on everything, you’ll quickly run out of things to do.

5. Failure means Acceptance:

Here’s where I finally come to terms with the fact that I can’t live my life under my covers. I’ve had time to think about it. I’m able to finally open up and talk and sometimes even laugh about my failure. This is a good place to be. I can begin to formulate a plan for trying again. Am I ready to try again? No! I’m only ready to talk about trying again.

6. Failure means Learning:

When I try again after a failure is when I learn. I can’t in the wake of failure find the lessons. Doing the task again is when I learn a new way to go about it. I’m more cautious but more determined. And I learn a little bit more about myself which is one of the most important parts of failure. But it’s not the part that makes me the happiest, even if I’m successful this time around.

7. Failure mean Empathy:

This is what means the most to me about failure. Empathy has become so important to me at this stage in my life. Being able to relate to someone on their level is so invaluable, because you’ll know what to say and what not to say. And being able to distinguish that you aren’t on their level, that you aren’t able to actually walk a mile in their shoes, is just as invaluable.

Failure has made me mindful and has allowed me to grow where I never thought I needed to grow. Failure is inevitable and important. None of us would be who or where we are without a little bit of failure. Failure is also scary. We try to shield ourselves from it daily with hope and faith but finding the balance between hope and failure is tricky and all we can really do is be prepared for either outcome.

I’m proud of all my failures. That’s what failure means to me.

So what does failure mean to you?

Ubiquinol??

Posted in TTC drama by

Just jumping in really quickly to ask a quick question before I work ends. I’m in the market for some CoQ10 to help my eggies and mister’s spermies (if he ever reads this he’s going to be so angry I said spermies lol)

Anyway. I know I should be looking for ubiquinol over ubiquinone and I’m look for 200mg but if anyone has any other information before I make this investment, that would be awesome! I’m dealing with information overload and I’m not sure which to pick.

Is 200mg too much? Should I try 100 first?

So far I’m looking at the Vitamin Shoppe brand and Jarrow Formula brand. I’m on the Ubiquinol website but there’s too much to choose from.

Please help, Love you, Thanks! Bye!

confused

Sunday Smiles

Posted in Random Tales by

I’m having an infertility day. We’re adding another preggo announcement to the tally. But my Sunday smile was really good news so I’m trying to focus on this instead of diving into that bottle of red wine.

Remember how I said Aetna didn’t pay the full bill for the PGD testing? Well, this week I received another claim email from them saying that they did pay the full bill!!! You guys. I cried. Reading the words “Your plan pays 100%” was… I’m sure you know the feeling.

And I can’t remember if I mentioned this but my clinic requires that you pay the coinsurance for each cycle up front before the baseline scan. So I called them to find out how much this cycle would cost me out of pocket since they’ve had a fee increase and L, the finance lady, told me that since they merged with another clinic they no longer require us to pay the coinsurance upfront. Basically, I could do the procedure and get billed later on. That is awesome! It, of course, doesn’t mean that I don’t have to save up for my cycle, but it does mean that I don’t have to save up first. It was just a nice weight off my shoulders and will give me more time to save without having to wait as long to start.

And my last little bit of good news. It comes on the back of saddish news but it still made me smile. My brother’s fiance asked me to be one of her bridesmaids! The sad part is that she had to ‘fire’ the one I’m taking over for. It’s sad because, it’s not a fun thing to have to drop a bridesmaid (I had to drop a groomsman the day before my wedding lol) but my future sister-in-law says that they weren’t gelling. So yay! I’m in! I’m so excited for this wedding I want to scream and I’m over the moon that I get to participate. I love weddings!

Okay, I have to run, my kittie is looking at me with hungry eyes and it’s almost time for Game of Thrones.

Hope you’re all having a wonderful Sunday and I wish you nothing but awesomeness this week!