Things have been going well in the Nothing household. Life seems to be returning to normal. We’ve been spending a lot of time with N’s family which has been really good for both of us.

On Saturday morning I had to do repeat blood work (6 vials), urine and ultrasound for our paperwork at the clinic. It was the first time during and ultrasound that I wasn’t begging and praying that there wouldn’t be a cyst and lo and behold, there it was, clear as day on my left side. I kind of just sighed and averted my eyes for the rest of the ultrasound. While looking up at the ceiling, cursing my rotten luck, I asked her if that was a cyst but I didn’t listen to anything after she confirmed that it was. I think I hit the rock bottom of cycle 3 laying there.

At home I had 3 hours to kill by myself while I waited for my mom-in-law to come over. We were set to make stuffed quahogs. We had told her that N’s dad made the best stuffed quahogs and we were sad that we wouldn’t get to try them again. She was a little shocked that he had won best quahog trophy since the two of them had perfected the recipe together so she was coming over to show me how to make them and to see if there was a difference in taste. N’s cousin came over too. I really needed that distraction.

All the while I was trying to understand what the universe has been trying to teach me. Why are there always delays? Why is this so difficult? Why why why? While waiting for my mom-in-law, I checked in with two IVF friends who was having a hard time. One is starting her first (and hopefully only) round of IVF, the other is about to start her last of insurance covered rounds. I spoke to another IVF friend about my issues with this round taking strength from her and passing it on to the others. Talking to these lovely ladies really helped me forget my problems and that says a lot.

On Sunday, I felt better about our situation. At peace. I told N about my bestie IVF friend who I mentioned before. She’s finally pregnant after 7 rounds and N said “See, it will happen for us eventually.”

I really am inspired by her and all of you who have been through this ringer multiple times. Not to take anything away from anyone who has been successful after one IVF round or one IUI, but to have to endure this BS multiple times is insane to me. Insane and awe inspiring. I think it takes a strong spirit to dust yourself off and get up and start again. This might sound weird but I’m on the cusp of going into my 4th round (I know I’m not out of this yet but I’m trying to be statistically realistic) and I think I’m almost in the realm of these super hero women. These women who I look up to.  But I don’t feel like a super hero. All my friends keep telling me how brave I am but I don’t feel brave. I just do what I gotta do. I know what I want and this is what I have to do to get it. Anyone else would do the same.

The best part of this time of introspection has been taking joy in my friends’ pregnancies amidst my own tears over my inability to do the same. It’s been feeling good about helping others who are struggling. Imparting a little bit of wisdom and empathy I’ve gained over this time. And learning and taking strength from people who have been there before.

I guess what I’m trying to say is if you find yourself about to start another round of IVF, or IUI or temping, take solace in the fact that each failure makes you more wise, empathetic, brave (yes, you are brave) and so strong.

This journey is of course about having your best dream realized at the end of it. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery. Don’t stop learning. Don’t stop teaching.

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone for the condolences. Things are getting a little easier everyday.

I’ve had a tough time getting on board with these embryos. I’m trying to see the good in distancing myself emotionally but I also feel bad that I’m not thinking about them everyday like I normally would. It’s a strange place to be in. Yesterday I missed the phone call for the fertilization report, when before I remember obsessing and being almost in tears waiting for the call. We do currently have 7 fertilized embryos, so it’s good news. I know that. But we’ll see how it goes.

The egg retrieval was a shitty day actually. We got there bright and early at 6:45 for an 8am retrieval. We were second in line and it was really quiet and calm there. TMI but we were a little worried about N’s contribution since he hadn’t “contributed” in a long time and also would he be in a good state of mind to “contribute” that day? I was more than a little worried about him but everything was okay on his end.

Retrieval was routine but the anesthetist told me to have my frequent heartburn checked because it’s bad for the esophagus. Anyway, I came out okay and we were told that they got 11 eggs and we were on our way shortly after. We took the elevator down and I started to feel cramping on my left side. Almost like IBS cramps. They had us sit down for a bit because N hadn’t been checked out yet. When I sat down the pain had begun to radiate up my back on the left side and I could barely breathe or speak. Poor N seemed confused and worried because I was chuckling about something not 2 minutes prior. I started crying when the lady at the front desk came over. They had to get a wheelchair and take me back up to the retrieval area. I climbed back into the bed and they had to put in a new IV to give me pain meds. Thankfully they worked within seconds but they made me very drowsy and I passed out holding N’s hand. They woke me a little while later and I realised he was still holding my hand. He was playing games on his phone with his other but I still felt the love :).

I was still extremely dizzy when we left and it was the absolute longest drive home. I was feeling so sorry for myself, I just put my shades on and let the tears flow. We only got home around 12:30 and poor N had to go back to work. I had two major naps and felt a whole lot better afterwards. Emotionally and Physically. I never got to ask what would cause that kind of pain though. It was not fun.

I’m now 2 days post retrieval and finally not dizzy anymore. By the way, I completely forgot about this but the Lupron trigger sucks! About 30min after I took it I was incapacitated by the worst nausea and dizziness ever. I was in the middle of cooking and it came out of nowhere. It was so bad N made me call the clinic to ask wtf. The on call dr said I was making the whole thing up because Lupron doesn’t do that. She asked if I was nervous when I took the shot. Sigh. Whatever. It eventually went away after a few hours and the whole of the next day I was off kilter and had bad diarrhea and honestly the dizziness only went away today and I’m only saying that because I haven’t moved much yet.

So I think my FIL’s passing,  the bad Lupron experience and the shitty retrieval just made me a shitty weepy mess all weekend and as much as I want us to have some good babies to transfer, I can’t shake this feeling that more tears are coming.

Sorry for the depro post. I am feeling a little better today. We’re going to N’s brother’s graduation party at 3 so it will be nice to be around his family again for a little bit celebrating something good amidst the sadness.

I will keep you all posted with today’s results.

xxx

Date: 4.29.16

Synopsis: Home in bed feeling sorry for myself. I’m not upset about the 11 eggs. But it was quite an ordeal.

I’m very dizzy from meds or something so I’m going nap forever. I’ll give the full story tomorrow.

Also waiting patiently for Dani’s beta results. Thinking of you!!

Lots of love!

Date: 4.23.16 – 4.27.16

Starring: 75iu Menopur, 300iu Gonal-F, 250mcg Cetrotide (Insurance changed from ganirelix to cetrotide), 3mg Melatonin, Ubiquinol, Pre-natal, Vit C, D, E, B12… Lupron Trigger!!!

Produced by: 11 follicles on day 9, 11 and 12. Final measurements – 7 on Left (27-13mm). 4 on Right (26-12mm). Estrodiol at 2600 on day 9 and 3400 on day 12. (I’m on OHSS watch but I feel fine)

Directed by: Slight, very slight tightness in the belly area. Sharp pains on the right and left side. No other symptoms.

Synopsis: So sorry I’ve been quiet my friends. This has been the toughest week and to have IVF happen in the middle, I don’t know. N lost his father very tragically on Sunday. He was only 57.

It was the perfect day. He came with me to my monitoring appointment and got to see how follicles look and he was surprised that it was an internal ultrasound and got a kick out of the word dildo cam. Afterwards we spent the day at PAX East (video game convention). That was me being a supportive wife since I don’t play video games. It was a good time though and I had a lot of fun with him. All of that changed on the way home when he got the phone call from his younger brother. His father’s eldest son from his second wife.

It’s just been terrible. Everyone is shocked and devastated of course. Most of Sunday was spent in shock with his step mother and bother and her sister’s family. IVF has taken an extreme back seat. I’ve been doing all shots about an hour later than I should have and I’ve been doing most of the shots myself to give N space to take care of his family. At one point I thought of cancelling the cycle because my mind wasn’t in the right place but it’s given us a sense of normalcy amidst the chaos.

Yesterday we spent the evening with his grandparents and cousins. At his grandfather’s house I had my medication with me and had to do shots there so N told them about IVF. I was in the bathroom so didn’t hear their (His grandfather and step grandmother) reaction but they wished us the very best of luck and they’re hoping for good news in June or July.

So it’s been an awful week. I can’t imagine what N must be going through and it breaks my heart to see him hurt. It breaks my heart to see his family hurt. They’re all so lovely and now they’re all missing a huge part of their hearts and I wish I could fix it. If I want to look for the good in a tragedy, it’s that it’s brought his family a little bit closer and I hope that trend continues. I really love spending time with them and I will always be sad that we didn’t spend more time with my father-in-law and I will miss him dearly. I will always remember his smiling face and I’ll see his spirit when I look into my husbands eyes and I will smile.

This has also been the longest cycle. It’s only been 2 days longer than usual but it feels like I’ve been stimming for a dog’s age. But I will be given a reprieve today as tonight at 7 is trigger time. I have to be there again tomorrow at 6:30 for blood work to see that the lupron trigger worked and then again on Friday at 7 for retrieval. That’s a lot of driving up there. I’ve been there everyday this week. But anyway. We made it to the end although battered and bruised.

And with that, I’ll leave you all to it. Thanks for being my cheerleaders as always. Every time someone dies I always remind people to hug their loved ones extra tight. Today will be no different. Don’t take anything for granted. Family is so important (whether blood or soul). Make sure your loved ones know they are loved and don’t wait for them to make the first move.

Sending you all so much love.