Category Archives: TTC drama

Makin’ babies…

Refreshed! Relaxed! Ready!

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Another round of IVF is upon us! But first, a big congrats to all the BFP’s I’ve missed, big hugs to everyone else still struggling and a big hello to everyone who’s reading this :). I felt some guilt for disappearing and not being able to be supportive. But I have to remember that these breaks are important and you can’t give your all to anyone when you don’t have anything to give. So I switched off and put my feet up and prepared for a relaxing month and a half off… or so I thought.

The first 3 weeks were a nightmare. A nightmare. I had a huge work deadline this last term that became suddenly life or death in the last three weeks. I was had to teach myself how to finish the project in new software and we ended up having to restart a few times, abandoning all our best laid plans. I hardly slept stressing about the project and the last week, I worked 16 hour days for 7 days straight. A  nightmare. Now, my poor husband works 14 to 16 hour days for 6 days a week so in actuality it was an eye opening experience for me. I’m definitely going to be less “complainy” with him. I don’t know how he does it. I was a whiny little b*tch those last couple of days.

Thankfully the nightmare ended with a long weekend. We planned a quick Groupon weekend getaway about an hour out of town. We did some hiking and eating and drinking. It was much needed because when we got back my parents landed in the country. They’re here for the month. It’s really good having them here and I was able to take all of last week off to do some touristy stuff. We did Newport, Boston and a few others here and there. This weekend we’re going to New Hampshire and their last weekend we’re going to Martha’s vineyard and then they leave :(. They’ll have been here for a month but it feels like it’s flying by.

And amidst all of this, my best friend gave birth to her second son. He’s so cute! I love his fat cheeks! And Game of Thrones wrapped up their most incredible season to date. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. I’m in a GoT discussion group (don’t judge!) on whatsapp and we’ve all decided to start from season 1 to keep us going until season 7.

And so… here we are… IVF Season 4. I just got the call to start birth control this evening. We still have 2 weeks before stims start but here’s my tentative timeline for this cycle.

July 17th: Stop birth control pill
July 18th: Suppression Check/Baseline appointment
July 20th: Begin Lupron
July 26th: Begin Gonal F 225 iu
August 5th: Retrieval with PICSI

Phew, just writing that is making me excited. August is my birthday month and so far has consistently been the best month of every year for as long as I can remember. I’m putting it into the universe that this trend will continue. When I turn 35 I will be celebrating our awesome results. It’s going to be a great cycle, my friends!

It’s good to be back.

 

You’ll Have To Excuse Me

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I’m enjoying this anti IVF break we’re on. It’s been good so far.

I’ve tried to come on and do a post but as soon as I log on it drains my energy a little bit -thinking about infertility. I’d much rather focus on whatever else is not infertility related. I don’t want to associate this blog with negative feelings. I want to come back refreshed and renewed and ready for round 4.

So you’ll have to excuse me for a while so that I can focus on getting in the right frame of mind for our next round.

I think of you all often and I’m following most of you on instagram so not completely out of the loop but I haven’t read any new posts and I hope you’re all doing well.

I’ll be back around this time next month!

xxx

Today Was a Good Day

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I’m having a good day today. In case the title of the post wasn’t clear.

First, food. The school’s culinary department has a healthy eating program. For $50 you get 3 meals a day and a snack for 5 days. So I ordered 2 for both of us and the order came in today. This may seem like nothing but food makes me excited. Especially when I didn’t cook it. I love cooking but I love eating more and I was really excited about this week’s menu. scallops Mozambique with cauliflower rice. vegetarian lo mein with asian bbq chicken and caprese stuffed chicken breasts with roasted broccoli for the dinners. Even writing this is making me excited.

Second, PICSI. The RE called this morning to tell me that he had a meeting with the embryology department and they’re going to do everything they can for us to do PICSI our next round. He said that he can’t guarantee that things will be ready in time but I told him that we decided to start in July so he sounded more positive. I guess they need specialized equipment and a specialist to come in and help them. I’m so excited! I know that PICSI isn’t going to be the missing puzzle piece but I’m just happy that Dr G is going the extra mile.

Third, and most importantly, insurance. You guessed it. After 5 months of fighting to get my claim reimbursed, these punks finally approved my claim and I should get my money in a few weeks. Granted I had to throw a tantrum on the phone because the guy told me the claim was denied. But damn it, they approved! I really hate raising my voice and I was very shaken up after the phone call but I’m glad I did and I’m glad it’s sorted out. I just sent in my second claim yesterday but hopefully this won’t be as big of a nightmare since I know exactly what to send in now.

Bonus fourth. It’s pay day tomorrow!!!

This upcoming weekend is going to be hard. Saturday, my father-in-law’s memorial service and Sunday, Mimi’s baby shower (I deleted the post I wrote about her but maybe some of you will remember). I hear there’s going to be a bar at the shower so that’ll help. I know I am not obligated to go but I’ve been in a good head space wrt pregnancies and stuff and I’ll get to see some other friends who I miss so I don’t think it will be bad.

I’m glad to be able to share some good news from my camp with you guys. I know it hasn’t been sunshine and roses over here but that’s how this journey goes right?

I’m about to go dig into one my dinners. No, I think I’m going to make grilled cheese and a glass of wine wile Ice Cube breaks it down for me.

xxx

Plans for Round 4

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We had the follow up appointment today. I think it went well and I’m ready to tackle this next round. We decided to start up again in July because my parents are coming to visit in June (they’ll likely be here for a stims in July. That’ll be nice for them to experience the process. I’ll make them do my shots lol) and then I also have 5 days of PTO that I need to take before they expire at the end of June. We’re still not sure where to go. I want to go somewhere up north (Maine/New Hampshire) that’s quiet and secluded. Maybe near a lake. Just the two of us. Do any of you perhaps have any recommendations?

I’ve been toying with the idea of getting a second opinion. I’m still on the fence. This  appointment went so well and I really do trust my RE. The only other person that has been recommended to me is another RE at the same clinic but I’m having a serious attack of conscience re: not wanting to hurt my RE’s feelings. How ridiculous is that? I really love my clinic so don’t want to switch anyway so this new RE has been at the back of my mind for a few days. Also, N isn’t keen on leaving our RE just yet either. He believes in him. So I’ve decided to stick with Dr G just one more round. Especially after today’s appointment. And if I change my mind after doing some reading and getting opinions I’ll have most of June to get a second opinion. Anyway,  onto the appointment. I’ll do bullet points like I did with everyone else.

1. We’re going to do the Microdose Lupron Flare protocol. Or Microflare or Flare or whatever. He said he’s taking the gloves off and wants to try to get 18-20 eggs out of me. I’m excited about the prospect of getting that many eggs but let’s see what happens. I’m not going to get my hopes up too high. I thought he was pushing my E2 before at around 2000+ but he said we can go up to 5000 since we’re doing a freeze all. Whoop! In the past I haven’t felt too many crazy symptoms from stimming but I think I should prepare myself for crazy town. Now I haven’t read much about this protocol so if anyone has done this or knows someone who has, do you have any information please?
2. I did repeat bloods last weekend and all my results fell within normal range. I did, however, notice my antral follicle count was only 10. That bummed me out. But he said that my TSH came back at 2.66 and they want it at 2.5 or below. He said any other doctor wouldn’t give this another thought but since we’re trying to get pregnant he’d rather it be within range. They tested again today and if it’s still above 2.5 then I’ll get some meds during stims to help. Again, I know nothing about thyroid stuff. I wonder if my shitty diet has something to do with it.
3. He did bring up donor sperm. He said it’s going to be harder for us because of my sub-par eggs and N’s sperm but he’ll only seriously suggest donor sperm if we’re sick of all these failures. But if we’re in it for the long haul then so is he but he has to let us know that donor sperm is an option. I’m not opposed to any donor of any kind but I’d like to exhaust all our options first.
4. I can’t remember why we did this but he tested me for Fragile X today as well. I think it has something to do with embryo or egg quality and Fragile X being a reason. I’m not sure but we tested for it anyway.
5. I asked him about clomid for N to get his count up and he said he’s not opposed to it but N would have to get a prescription from a urologist. We’ll set that appointment up soon. Another reason to take a break. I have a feeling clomid only works after 3 months but let’s see what a urologist says.
6. I asked about PICSI an he sent and email to the embryologist for their opinion. I’m going to push for this. I read that it only increases live pregnancy rates by 15% but it’s 15% we didn’t have before.
7. And lastly, my pesky little cyst is a non-issue. Yay!
And there you have it. I’m excited for round 4 but I’m also excited for the break. Work is going to be pumping since it’s the end of the school year, so I’m glad there’s no IVF to distract me. I feel like it’s going to be over in a blink so that’s even more exciting.
Today I feel good about this appointment. I feel good about this protocol. I feel good about taking a break. I feel good about N being eager to try clomid (or anything for that matter).
I feel good.

Beers and Tears

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And with that our third IVF cycle comes to an end. Our poor little embryo turned out to be unbalanced.

Our poor little embryo.

We’re doing okay. I’d say we’re relieved to the back of this shitty cycle. The follow-up appointment is on Tuesday. I’m anxious to get in there and hear what he has to say. I wonder if he’s ready to pull out the big guns yet. What would the big guns be I wonder?

Anyway, I don’t have anything else to report. I’ll post an update on Tuesday.

When Life Hands You Cysts

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Things have been going well in the Nothing household. Life seems to be returning to normal. We’ve been spending a lot of time with N’s family which has been really good for both of us.

On Saturday morning I had to do repeat blood work (6 vials), urine and ultrasound for our paperwork at the clinic. It was the first time during and ultrasound that I wasn’t begging and praying that there wouldn’t be a cyst and lo and behold, there it was, clear as day on my left side. I kind of just sighed and averted my eyes for the rest of the ultrasound. While looking up at the ceiling, cursing my rotten luck, I asked her if that was a cyst but I didn’t listen to anything after she confirmed that it was. I think I hit the rock bottom of cycle 3 laying there.

At home I had 3 hours to kill by myself while I waited for my mom-in-law to come over. We were set to make stuffed quahogs. We had told her that N’s dad made the best stuffed quahogs and we were sad that we wouldn’t get to try them again. She was a little shocked that he had won best quahog trophy since the two of them had perfected the recipe together so she was coming over to show me how to make them and to see if there was a difference in taste. N’s cousin came over too. I really needed that distraction.

All the while I was trying to understand what the universe has been trying to teach me. Why are there always delays? Why is this so difficult? Why why why? While waiting for my mom-in-law, I checked in with two IVF friends who was having a hard time. One is starting her first (and hopefully only) round of IVF, the other is about to start her last of insurance covered rounds. I spoke to another IVF friend about my issues with this round taking strength from her and passing it on to the others. Talking to these lovely ladies really helped me forget my problems and that says a lot.

On Sunday, I felt better about our situation. At peace. I told N about my bestie IVF friend who I mentioned before. She’s finally pregnant after 7 rounds and N said “See, it will happen for us eventually.”

I really am inspired by her and all of you who have been through this ringer multiple times. Not to take anything away from anyone who has been successful after one IVF round or one IUI, but to have to endure this BS multiple times is insane to me. Insane and awe inspiring. I think it takes a strong spirit to dust yourself off and get up and start again. This might sound weird but I’m on the cusp of going into my 4th round (I know I’m not out of this yet but I’m trying to be statistically realistic) and I think I’m almost in the realm of these super hero women. These women who I look up to.  But I don’t feel like a super hero. All my friends keep telling me how brave I am but I don’t feel brave. I just do what I gotta do. I know what I want and this is what I have to do to get it. Anyone else would do the same.

The best part of this time of introspection has been taking joy in my friends’ pregnancies amidst my own tears over my inability to do the same. It’s been feeling good about helping others who are struggling. Imparting a little bit of wisdom and empathy I’ve gained over this time. And learning and taking strength from people who have been there before.

I guess what I’m trying to say is if you find yourself about to start another round of IVF, or IUI or temping, take solace in the fact that each failure makes you more wise, empathetic, brave (yes, you are brave) and so strong.

This journey is of course about having your best dream realized at the end of it. But it’s also a journey of self-discovery. Don’t stop learning. Don’t stop teaching.

It Only Takes One

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Well that’s all we have left so hopefully this old saying rings true.

My husband said the other night that hopefully his father will help us out this round. If you’re out there dad, you’re certainly keeping us on our toes but we will of course name the baby after you if you let us keep it.

 

Thanks for the continued prayers and support and crossed fingers. I really appreciate all of you. I’ll have results next week.

❤ ❤

 

Please!

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I didn’t get a call on Sunday for some reason but yesterday I heard that we only have three embryos left on day three.

I cried. Will we ever get more than 3 embryos to biopsy? The numbers are just getting worse and worse the more cycles we do. If this cycle fails I’m going to start looking at other clinics. And I really don’t want to do that. I love my clinic. I despise the distance with every ounce of my being but I know that driving in to Boston for appointments and such isn’t going to be fun either. Do I just stay the course then? Because the commute is my only gripe at this stage.

Anyway. So, three. They supposed to be biopsied tomorrow. Please please please guys, just hang in there. We need some good news, please.

Happy 3 year Blog-iversary

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Firstly, thank you so much to everyone for the condolences. Things are getting a little easier everyday.

I’ve had a tough time getting on board with these embryos. I’m trying to see the good in distancing myself emotionally but I also feel bad that I’m not thinking about them everyday like I normally would. It’s a strange place to be in. Yesterday I missed the phone call for the fertilization report, when before I remember obsessing and being almost in tears waiting for the call. We do currently have 7 fertilized embryos, so it’s good news. I know that. But we’ll see how it goes.

The egg retrieval was a shitty day actually. We got there bright and early at 6:45 for an 8am retrieval. We were second in line and it was really quiet and calm there. TMI but we were a little worried about N’s contribution since he hadn’t “contributed” in a long time and also would he be in a good state of mind to “contribute” that day? I was more than a little worried about him but everything was okay on his end.

Retrieval was routine but the anesthetist told me to have my frequent heartburn checked because it’s bad for the esophagus. Anyway, I came out okay and we were told that they got 11 eggs and we were on our way shortly after. We took the elevator down and I started to feel cramping on my left side. Almost like IBS cramps. They had us sit down for a bit because N hadn’t been checked out yet. When I sat down the pain had begun to radiate up my back on the left side and I could barely breathe or speak. Poor N seemed confused and worried because I was chuckling about something not 2 minutes prior. I started crying when the lady at the front desk came over. They had to get a wheelchair and take me back up to the retrieval area. I climbed back into the bed and they had to put in a new IV to give me pain meds. Thankfully they worked within seconds but they made me very drowsy and I passed out holding N’s hand. They woke me a little while later and I realised he was still holding my hand. He was playing games on his phone with his other but I still felt the love :).

I was still extremely dizzy when we left and it was the absolute longest drive home. I was feeling so sorry for myself, I just put my shades on and let the tears flow. We only got home around 12:30 and poor N had to go back to work. I had two major naps and felt a whole lot better afterwards. Emotionally and Physically. I never got to ask what would cause that kind of pain though. It was not fun.

I’m now 2 days post retrieval and finally not dizzy anymore. By the way, I completely forgot about this but the Lupron trigger sucks! About 30min after I took it I was incapacitated by the worst nausea and dizziness ever. I was in the middle of cooking and it came out of nowhere. It was so bad N made me call the clinic to ask wtf. The on call dr said I was making the whole thing up because Lupron doesn’t do that. She asked if I was nervous when I took the shot. Sigh. Whatever. It eventually went away after a few hours and the whole of the next day I was off kilter and had bad diarrhea and honestly the dizziness only went away today and I’m only saying that because I haven’t moved much yet.

So I think my FIL’s passing,  the bad Lupron experience and the shitty retrieval just made me a shitty weepy mess all weekend and as much as I want us to have some good babies to transfer, I can’t shake this feeling that more tears are coming.

Sorry for the depro post. I am feeling a little better today. We’re going to N’s brother’s graduation party at 3 so it will be nice to be around his family again for a little bit celebrating something good amidst the sadness.

I will keep you all posted with today’s results.

xxx