I’m back :)

Hello again, blog world!
It’s good to be back. I won’t keep you long, just wanted to update on my life so far.

We got back last Wednesday at 9pm. The flight was torture after such a magnificent holiday. We missed our connection home and had to wait another 2 hours for the next flight. And when we got home the friend who picked us up didn’t have our house keys we gave him so we had to get our backup set at another friend’s. I tell ya, it was torture staring at the couch from the window after a 31hr trip with minimal sleep. We eventually got in and I wish I could say we rested until today but I had to be at work the following morning followed by our EOY party at work. I found rest on Friday after work but that’s when I picked up this lovely throat infection.

The rest of the weekend was beyond uneventful. My darling was so great cleaning up and cooking and stuff. What a sweetheart.

Okay, okay enough boring-ness. Today was our follow up with the RE where we were going to find out how our 2 embryos fared. When Dr G finally called us in he took us to the tiny finance room first and my heart sat in my throat because he never does this. I thought he was going to tell us we had an outstanding payment and he can’t give help us til we pay up. Turns out it was a little worse. The genetics lab hadn’t forwarded them our results yet… Yes, really… almost a month after they got the samples. Dr G wanted to know if we could come back to see him after he called them when their office opened in an hour. I could almost see the tiny vein in my husband’s head pop.

His biggest gripe about this whole thing is the 2hr commute in nasty traffic that we have to take up to the clinic every time. Luckily he kept it together and asked if the RE could call us with the results instead because this trip is a nightmare. Dr G was visibly annoyed with the genetics lab and extremely apologetic and happily agreed to call us with the results. He then took us to his office to go over the 2 possible scenarios and to answer questions and come up with a plan.

We signed the FET consent forms in case we have an embryo to work with and talked about a redo if we did not. He said that my cycle went “about as picture perfect as it could get” and that he wouldn’t change anything next time around. I asked if there are any vitamins or supplements we could take to help next time and he said just the prenatal. I know that there are more supplements I can take but I have to do some more research first. I would be concerned that he didn’t suggest any other vitamins but I think most doctors would rather err on the side of caution.

I must say, I never felt a strong connection with Dr G before today. He seemed professional and kind which I liked and that was really all I needed. But today I think our shared annoyance with the genetics guys brought us a little closer together and he gave a good laugh at one of my chirps which made me very happy. I think we chose well.

So maybe and hour or 2 after getting home he called with the results. I swear, I was ready to another cycle in Feb. I made my peace with it. So you can imagine my surprise when he told us that we have 1 survivor! I am still in shock as I write this. I can’t believe it, really. Sadly, the other one has trisomy 16 and wouldn’t have made it past the 1st trimester, but the survivor is a grade BB (the other is an AA) and the doctor is happy with this grade. We have 1 little fighter. 1 tiny storm trooper. 1 lone survivor… I was in a tizz so didn’t ask what the gender was but I’m more than okay with finding out if I get pregnant.

So what are the next steps? Money money money!! We need 3 grand for either another retrieval or 2.5 grand for a frozen transfer. I’ve done some calculations and we should have it around mid Feb if no other financial complications arise. We have to let the clinic know what our decision is before January. I have to discuss a few things with the insurance but I think we’re going to put all our egg in one basket 🙂 and go with the FET in Feb with our rock star frostie. We’ll have to pay for this out of pocket because the insurance counts a retrieval and a transfer as 2 separate cycles so I’d rather they pay for the more expensive retrieval cycle where our coinsurance will be $2500. And our clinic charges $2500 for an FET if it’s out of pocket.

That’s where we’re at. Some good news over here today. I’m feeling beyond blessed right now. Ooh, I have to remember to blog about the lady my mom found for us. I’ll do that next I think. But for now, I have to get dinner going.

Thank you for sending out positive vibes and prayers for us. I still can’t believe it. I’m not sure if it’s Mac or Cheese who made it, so we may need a renaming ceremony.

Have a good evening!

p.s. I’m no photoshopper but I made this and I thought it was funny.

Lone Survivor

Is it Friday yet?

It seems as if time has slowed down to an annoying drip, oh my goodness! I am well in the thick of PGD test result limbo and it’s no fun.

Amidst all this baby business I completely forgot to be excited about our upcoming trip next Friday. My dear friends from back home are getting married on the 6th and my parents have so lovingly bought us tickets to go home for 2.5 weeks. Tickets were bought before we started this round and right now is something we desperately need. Usually, I would be packed by now but I can’t seem to get excited. I need to have this band-aid ripped off. I’m very irritable too and I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. But that could be coming off hormones or the fact that I’m low carbing again. Picked up a pesky 6lbs and I would like to be rid of them before we leave. AF also arrived today so that could be a factor as well.

This not knowing is killing me. I’ve made my peace with either outcome but the not knowing is torture and it’s turning me into a grumpy bum.

Anyway, here are 10 things I should be excited about in the next 9 days.
1. Mum-in-law’s 5 desserts for 5 people at Thanksgiving. She is the dessert queen and she always makes too much and I love it! I hope she makes tiramisu again.
2. Possibly putting up the Christmas tree this weekend.
3. Buying a dress for the wedding and getting secret santa gifts (I love xmas shopping)
4. Going home after not seeing my family and friends for 2 years.
5. Meeting my newest nephew, who’s already crawling around, and kissing his fat cheeks forever.
6. Kissing my other niece and nephew’s cheeks until they cry
7. FOOOOOD FROM HOME!!!!
8. A wedding! I love weddings!!! and all (save for 1 or 2) my peeps being in one city for the first time in a loooong time. We only seem to get together at weddings now. *sigh* but it’s going to be epic.
9. Carling Black Label (my favourite beer from home)
10. I’m going to see my loves in 10 days!!!
Bonus 11… Airplane food. I’m probably the only human who loves airplane food. I don’t know if it’s the food itself or the fact that it’s the only thing about a 13hr plane ride that brings me any joy. Battling motion sickness for 13hrs is always a laugh.

Okay, not going to lie, that helped. I need to print that and put it somewhere where I can see it.

I definitely still have a huge cloud of infertility hanging over me but I fully intend to ignore the shit out it the minute we leave the RE’s office next Wednesday at our follow up.

I love Mac and Cheese

And then there were 2… The last of our batch to make it to blastocyst stage to be biopsied. They’re now frozen and we’re in the last phase of waiting to find out if this cycle was a bust or if I could potentially be pregnant before the end of the year.

It was a bit of a hard pill to swallow and I was a crying mess yesterday after the call. The geneticist had told us a few weeks ago that we have a 25% chance of getting a good embryo so my statistical mind is thinking that this cycle is a bust. The way I see it is that if we even get 1 good embryo it’ll be a miracle. Now, I know miracles happen everyday and I just have to keep the faith but I’m struggling with that a little. I’m lucky to have my people have that faith right now when I can’t. Maybe tomorrow.

We still have 1 more round (either retrieval or transfer) covered by insurance which, by what is the common theme out there, is a miracle in itself. I’m extremely thankful that we can do this again so, while I’m bummed we’re 75% out of this one, I know it’s not even close to the end of the road.

While I was having my mini breakdown, my husband kept saying, “We still have 2, there’s nothing to worry about and even if they don’t make it we can try again. Most people don’t get that opportunity.” This made me immediately feel silly for crying but in my defense, I have been holding in a lot of emotion since we started this cycle. I was even surprised at my lack of emotion throughout the process. I think my body just gave in. I’m well known for keeping my feelings to myself, I was bound to crack.

I had told my work bestie the news amidst my tears and a big glass of champagne and I mentioned that I wanted to name them. I came up with Thunder and Lightning or Helter and Skelter and she, in her infinite knowledge of things that I love, came up with Mac and Cheese. I knew were friends for a reason :).

I went for a run this morning and all I thought about was my two little frozen kiddos, Mac and Cheese. I feel bad for giving up on them last night (and most of today). I’m definitely in a better place. These guys need me to believe in miracles again. I owe them that much. I love them very much already, I can’t give up on them just yet.

To anyone going through some tough times, try to have faith, try to believe in miracles. It’s all we have…. That and wine… we have wine… CHEERS!

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Embryo Update

Well hellooo. I know it’s been a while but I wanted to rest up fully after egg retrieval and I didn’t feel up to  typing of any sort this weekend :).

So the retrieval was at 9ish on Friday morning. We got there at 7:30 and hubby did his thing at 8:30. The IV they put in hurt like hell. I think my veins were just over it at this point. The anesthetist and the surgeon came to discuss the procedure with me and said I wouldn’t be out for more than 10-15 minutes. I tried reading to occupy my mind but I obviously couldn’t concentrate. When it finally came to go-time they took me to the bathroom to pee then walked me into the room. I had to lay down and pop my legs into the stirrups, there were about 5 people in the room and while she was strapping me in I had to recite my name and DOB for a lady with a clip board. As soon as I laid my head back I was out. I woke up around 10:15 and felt a tiny bit cramping but nothing to write home about. I got some crackers and a ginger ale and waited for the old surgeon to let me know how it went. We were out of there by 10:30 with 14 eggs waiting to be fertilized. I was so relieved and hopeful. It was a good day.

Fast forward to today. I’ve cried a total of 5 times. I’ve gone from insanely happy and excited to honestly wanting to cancel the whole thing and just give up. I had no idea the roller coaster of emotions I would have to endure. This is not fun at all and to top it all off, I am violently constipated. I have IBS issues and they’re in full swing right now. I’m very uncomfortable and emotional. It’s not a good combo.

The tally right now is pretty good, in my opinion. Of the 14 eggs, 13 were mature and 8 fertilized and yesterday I got the call that 7 were still in the running.  They’re not going to call anymore with updates. I have to call them on Wednesday to find out how many were biopsied. I have no idea how I’m going to get through the next couple of days. I think I should start running again. Maybe it’ll help.

I don’t really want to talk about the next steps since I don’t want to jinx anything. I’ll write a blog about my crazy superstitions one day, but today, at this moment, we have 7 potential little babies growing far away from us and I love them and I just hope they’re doing okay.

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Damn you IV!!

Follicle Watch: The Finale

Estrogen: 2876

Right Side: 9 follicles
Left Side:10 follicles no sizes mentioned but at the ultrasound the tech said I had some 21’s and 19’s and 17’s.

We finally made it… I trigger tonight at 8:30pm. I’ll be doing the following: 150iu Gonal F and 150iu of Menopur and the hCG. The hCG shot is the one with the thick needle that goes into my ample booty. For once I’m happy about my giant bedonkadonk. The nurse says it was a great cycle and I’m crazy excited. Retrieval is on Friday morning so I’ll have a nice long weekend too. Thanks little baby follies for playing along. So proud.

happy-dance- My heart melted a little when my husband said he was excited too. He’s emotions are difficult to gauge most times but I have written proof on my phone now so that’s nice :).

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Proof!

Now if only this day would end, so I can go home. 40min left. tick tock!

Follicle Watch: Episode 4

Estrogen: 1968

Left side: 9 Follicles measuring 10-17mm
Right side: 6 Follicles measuring 12-15mm

Medication: 300iu Gonal F, 150iu Menopur, 1 pre-filled syringe Ganirelix

Now we’re cooking with fire. The nurse mentioned possible Lupron triggering coming soon. I think we’re finally nearing the end. It’s certainly flown by. I must say I was really down about 8 follicles on Sunday. I know, I know 8 is not that bad a number but I read a blog entry by The Sky and Back where she mentions visualisation and how she used it to shrink a cyst. If you’re reading this, can I share the Coocoo award with you? :)… I talked to my follicles and pictured them growing inside me. I’m not saying it worked but they did grow. Just sayin’ :).

So I go back tomorrow for another ultrasound and blood work. My veins are starting to feel the strain. And I was expecting to be bloated but It’s not a normal period bloat maybe more like a food baby? My tummy feels harder to the touch and I was pretty nauseous last night. Taking it in my stride.

In other news, a dear friend of mine announced a pregnancy today. I am rocking these pregnancy announcements, lemme tell you. lol. Her text to me was beyond sweet and, I could tell, really well thought out. I feel bad that my friends feel a sense of dread or sadness amidst such happy news, where my feelings are concerned. I’m flattered that they thought of us and told us first but I hate this our infertility has affected everyone so profoundly. It’s cruelty really knows no bounds.

Follicle Watch: Episode 3

Estrogen: 1369
LH: 9.61
Progesterone: 0.762

Left side follicle sizes: 15, 14, 13, 10, 8 (mm)
Right side follicle sizes: 12, 10, 8 (mm)

The dildo cam hurt a lot today. I think my uterus is starting to not enjoy the poking and prodding. My tummy is really sensitive to the touch and I’ve been feeling sharp/dull pains on my left and right side but I know that’s just my potential kiddos growing so I’m kinda relishing the pain. The nurse seems very happy with these numbers we just need the little guys to catch up with the rest of everyone else.

We added Ganirelix to the party too. That was a nice surprise. I was warned that the needle was blunt but N and I both had a really good laugh when he tried to jab it in and it just bounced off my tummy. The laugh turned a bit hysterical when the second jab didn’t work. We got it in on the third go at least. Not cool. The nurse said my estrogen should drop at the next check because of the ganirelix but we’ll see.

I did, of course, have a mini meltdown with my low follicle numbers but after talking to some lovely ttc sisters I’m back to being grateful for my lot in life. The best part about this lonely ass journey is that it’s not really that lonely if you know where to look. I’ve met some really awesome ladies here, on fb and instagram and I’m so thankful to each and every one of you. Thank you for reading and commenting and following my journey.

Babydust to everyone. Hope you’re all having a great Sunday. How bout that snow today, huh? Geez! I took a picture of it then I realised my back yard looks like an episode of hoarders. We’ll just keep that one to ourselves.

Follicle Watch: Episode 2

Quality over quantity… Don’t focus on the goal and enjoy the journey… Must remember these words.

Today we’re on 6 follicles measuring between 9 and 10mm. Still no symptoms to speak of. They’re upping Gonal F from 225 to 300 until Sunday. My clinic is over an hour away but thankfully there’s a satellite office 30min away on my way to work, but they’re closed on a Sunday so I’m going to be making that trek in the early hours this weekend.

Was feeling a little down trodden with the numbers, I thought this was gonna be a breeze because I had 20 antral follicles at my very first ultrasound. Anyway, I had a giant burrito at lunch to make up for all the alcohol I can’t drink so I’m feeling sleepy and happy again.

Hope everyone’s having a good Halloween and you all have fun plans. We have a party tomorrow but tonight we’re not entertaining trick or treaters. I didn’t get anything or even decorate so we’re turning out the lights and hiding in the bedroom. We rented Deliver Us from Evil. Hope it’s a goodie. I love me some scary movies.

xxx

Follicle Watch: Episode 1

So I had my first follicle check this morning bright and early at 6am. Right now, I’m on 150iu of Gonal F and 75iu of burny Menopur. I feel pretty normal, a little dizzy right after injections and I’ve been sleeping like a champ, it’s awesome! No other symptoms but I’m on 3 days of shots in so…

The tech said I have a bunch of little ones and she was smiling so that was good. I was on lunch when the nurse called so couldn’t write everything down. Let’s see if my old battered brain can remember what she said.

So, my estradiol  is at 104, I have 5 on my left and 4 on my right but I don’t remember the sizes (shocking). They’re upping my meds to 225iu of Gonal F and 150iu of Menopur until my next check on Friday.

*** I wrote the above yesterday… Here’s the rest after taking the first increased dosage ***

The increased dosage I took like a champ. It’s starting to get easier. Still no symptoms just headaches I guess, but I always have random headaches. I can feel stuff on my left and right side on and off but I am starting to freak out a little.

Anyway, so I have to refill my prescription, obviously, since I’ll run out of Menopur on Saturday. I’m on the phone with the insurance and as we stand now, they have my order but have to put approve it first. It’s extremely time sensitive and I’m on tenterhooks right now and can’t really concentrate on anything else and we’re pretty busy at work.

Other than that, so far so good. I go back tomorrow for a second follicle check. I can’t believe how fast this is going. The 10 days of stimulation will be over on Tuesday. Really? This is nuts, guys.