This month marks the 4th year of us trying to become parents. This number still shocks me because it seems long. We’ve only been in the IVF game for 2.5 years so perhaps that’s why but 4 years ago I stopped birth control. and maybe 6 months after that I started lifting my legs in the air after sex. 1 month after that I started temping and tracking in earnest. 3 months later I found an at home semen test for N to take. It didn’t go well. We assumed a faulty test but for shits and giggles I had him do a serious test at a clinic I found online. We got those dismal results back and filed the letter away. Then I made an appointment with my OB to test myself. He said I wasn’t ovulating. That, coupled with my husband’s results did not bode well. He said that he could do IUI’s at his office and we could come in for a consult or we could go to an IVF clinic. (Side note: this OB was wrong about me not ovulating and I’ve since found a new one.)

We were reeling a bit and didn’t want to face reality so we stopped everything for a while to breathe and do some research. Eventually I fished out the letter from the clinic and read the diagnosis again. What is oligoasthenoteratozoospermia? What is IVF? What is ICSI? What does all of this mean?

I called the number on the letter and made an appointment and the rest, of course, is history.

We went from kinda trying, to trying a little bit, to fucking IVF with ICSI and PGD testing in the blink of an eye so the fact we’ve technically been in this game for this long is something that will always shock me.

But the point of today’s post is a status update I shared on FB in the middle of March around the time I stopped birth control. An innocent post filled with hope, that when I re-read it filled me with a little bit of sadness and longing for that hopeful innocence from four years ago. I’ve shared it below and you may have read it before and if not, I hope that it doesn’t make you sad like it does me. I hope it makes you hopeful.

I think what makes me sad is what I said about it. I’m still waiting for onnne day.

It’s not my favourite thing in the world. But it does happen and we do have to roll with it.

Not sure if I’ve mentioned before that my clinic is merging with another one. I had heard that the other clinic was going to close and move into our clinic. Even that change made me uncomfortable. Like when you hear you’ll be getting new roommates that you didn’t sign up for.

This morning I found out, unceremoniously, that my clinic is the one closing and moving. No psychiatrists on hand to help with the transition. No hugs. Just a lousy piece of paper from the nurse before she stabs my arm. A perfect metaphor, if you ask me.

Granted it’s only one exit further and (from a very extensive Google maps stalk) the building looks bigger, but still. No hand holding. No group sessions.

They’ll be doing appointments, blood work, ultrasounds and IUI’s at the new location and all transfers and retrievals will be done at the clinic that we merged with. That means that my little embryo is going on its first road trip without me. Again, this location is about 2 exits closer so it’s really not a big deal and from what I’ve read, they move embryos and samples between the two locations all the time so our “precious cargo will be in good hands”.

I had my last blood draw at my clinic this morning and I was gobsmacked I didn’t get a chance to come to terms with it and I have to go back on Saturday to the new clinic. I’m not mad, I just feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I need preparation and coddling for these things. Maybe some signs on the walls to give us fair warning. Maybe a referendum so we have some choice in the matter. But nope… just a piece of paper and a fcuk you.

Anyway, I’d like to thank you all for stopping by and reading this week’s dramatic performance by yours truly. I’m fine now. I just needed to whine a bit.

15 more sleeps!

Great news: One embryo is normal! One perfect little potential baby. It was such a stressful day. The clinic called me three times today giving me a tiny heart attack each time. They were paper work calls but damn..IT! The last call I asked if I would hear about my kiddos today and she said yes. I told her that I was very nervous and she told me not to be. That really calmed me down. I don’t know whether or not she was privy to any information but the confidence in her voice made me feel calm. On the drive home I got a call from a Rhode Island number. It ended up being the RE so I’m glad I didn’t let it go to voicemail. He gave me the good news and briefly went over the plan for the ERA test which will start with my next period. Then we made with the pleasantries and his last words to me were “Lucky embryo number 12″… So that’s what I will name it… Lucky. It’s going to be a great Christmas!

Good news: We booked tickets to go to South Africa for Christmas! We’re set to leave next Thursday! I can’t wait to see my family and my friends. The best bit is my best friend is going to be there and I’m going to meet her sons for the first time. Her eldest is 3 and the newy is 4months ish. It’s going to be a good Christmas!

Bad news: N dropped a bomb on me that he can’t join me for the trip home. The job he’s doing currently is being delayed and we can’t afford to change his flight details. I am heartbroken. We’ve never spent Christmas apart and I really don’t want to do it. It’s going to be a bad Christmas…

A strange thing happened after Thanksgiving. I’m not sure if it’s happened to me before. If it has, I don’t remember or I didn’t blog about it.

We had a good Thanksgiving. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. We do 2 dinners. One with his dad’s side of the family and then another with his mom. I expected his dad’s one to be a little hard since it was the first without his dad but it was good. There were laughs and everyone was in a good mood.

Dinner at his moms was pretty good as well. The food was amazing! I’m 100% not eating healthy right now. Perhaps I’ll start again when we run out of left overs.

We got home at about 9pm and while we were sitting on the couch I realized N had to go to work in morning and I would be alone all day and a huge wave of emotion just crashed into me. I felt lame like the weight of the world just rested its fat ass on my shoulders. My breath was a little ragged and I choked back tears. At first I tried to fight it because I thought I was being silly but then I thought that this had to happen. I felt heavy but also felt like I was at the top of the roller coaster, the scary bit when you’re just about to drop.

So I grabbed my blanket and sunk into the couch and just let it happen. I didn’t cry but I just felt all the emotions. Heavy waves crashing into me. I thought of everything we’ve been through this year and let those emotions come to the surface, hang out a bit and go away.

I think I was too emotional to cry. It was a lot to feel all at once and It lasted pretty much the rest of the night. I was just a big ball of catharsis but eventually I was able to drag myself to bed and fall into a very deep sleep.

The next morning I felt a lot lighter and ready to take on the rest of the weekend. When I think about it, I think it was the last of the hormones from the cycle purging from my body. My period was just ending as well and I’m usually weepy at the end of my period but this was way more than just weepy.

I’m glad that’s over and I just wanted to document it. Has anyone experienced this after an IVF cycle? Or am I just an emotional weirdo?